He wants to stay friends

JennyLove · 22-12-2008 2:06pm #1

Dear Boardies

My boyfriend and I recently split up. He broke it off. He does not want to cut contact with me because he loves me and sees me as one of his closest friends.

What does this mean? Appreciate male opinions on this.

Thank you

:-)

Wagon · 22-12-2008 2:08pm

It means he wants you to do the hard part so he doesn't have to.

JennyLove · 22-12-2008 2:09pm

Thanks Wagon. I'm not sure what you mean by the hard part?

Trinity · 22-12-2008 2:14pm

It means he is being a selfish prick and only thinking of his own feelings.

How long were you together?

At this point he has probably broken your heart and he wants you to stick around so he doesnt have to feel the same heart ache of losing you. Hes making life easier for himself. Depending on the type of guy he is he may still want to see you casually as well, so to have you at his beck and call most likely but still be able to live the life of a single man, have his cake and eat it basically.

You have to decide whats best for you and what you want and dont fcuking mind him.

He went and made the decision to end your relationship he can live with the consequences. You wont get over him til you have cut contact for at least a few months. To make the transition from lovers to friends you have to cut the strings first and rebuild the relationship under different terms.

Wagon · 22-12-2008 2:15pm

JennyLove wrote: »

Thanks Wagon. I'm not sure what you mean by the hard part?

He breaks it off with you but doesn't want to be the one to say that no contact is the best option for getting over each other. He'd rather you did that instead so he can tell everyone that you were the one who broke contact and you were the bitch...

My advice is be the bitch

If you want to get over this chap, no contact is the best if not only option. you'll only be protecting yourself and there's nothing wrong with that.

Wibbs · 22-12-2008 2:15pm

He wants to keep the bits he wants to keep, your friendship and all the support that entails, but doesn't want to commit to you in a romantic relationship. Make everythng easy for him, but not so easy for you. He get's the best of both worlds without the responsibility. Plus it lessens his guilt too.

OK down the line you can be friends, but I would suggest not at the moment until you have moved on. Him being in your life, maybe with a new woman(women) will lessen significantly your ability to move on.

I would tell him you understand, but it would be better for both if you take a break from each other and try to stick to that. If he objects it's for purely selfish reasons.

ham_n_mustard · 22-12-2008 2:15pm

JennyLove wrote: »

He does not want to cut contact with me because he loves me and sees me as one of his closest friends.

does exactly what it says on the tin

ARGINITE · 22-12-2008 2:15pm

It can mean many things, but best to make a clean break of it and if you want to be still friends in the future then you can make your decision then.

homerun_homer · 22-12-2008 2:16pm

If he broke up with you and you still have feelings then it's only going to really hurt you and drag out the grief.
If you think you can hack it and you can cope with seeing him at some point with a new girl on his arm then stay friends, but if every little thing will end up hurting you for not being with him then you are best to cut all ties.

JennyLove · 22-12-2008 2:28pm

Thanks Boardies. Some good advice there. I am very confused by it all. Do guys say stuff like that to see if they will develop feelings for you again?

not yet · 22-12-2008 2:31pm

He's being a selfish knobend, Maybe he's thinking of a fcuk buddy for those lonely nights,maybe he just wants you close in case he has a change of heart......either way just say NO THANKS and move on.

Riesen_Meal · 22-12-2008 2:32pm

JennyLove wrote: »

Do guys say stuff like that to see if they will develop feelings for you again?

Not really no, we're all different unfortunately, maybe thats in the back of his mind, maybe its not, either way, as one of the other posters said, could you hack being around him if he turns up with a girl under his arm some night, how would you feel then???

How long were you going out?

JennyLove · 22-12-2008 2:32pm

ok thanks to all for your advice.

Trinity · 22-12-2008 2:35pm

JennyLove wrote: »

Thanks Boardies. Some good advice there. I am very confused by it all. Do guys say stuff like that to see if they will develop feelings for you again?

Guys are individuals, so it wouldnt be fair to comment on that.

Its hard to say but you know your boyfriend, why do you think? Could it be that he doesnt want to be cruel and hurt you further? COuld it be that he wants to keep you on the back burner in case he doesnt meet anyone else? Could it be that he wants to shag you now and again without the commitment? We dont know because we dont know what kind of character he is

I'm not sure about the see if they will develop feelings for you again to be honest it sounds like a long shot.

WHat were his reasons for breaking up? If he loves you and you are close friends?

Doodee · 22-12-2008 2:50pm

JennyLove wrote: »

Thanks Boardies. Some good advice there. I am very confused by it all. Do guys say stuff like that to see if they will develop feelings for you again?

I've had female ex's do that to me too.
It's not always a bad thing. It just means that they care for you and that the relationship has run its course.

If you require space then it is best to do so, it's often easier than having to deal with anything that may arise from their new found freedom.

Best of luck.

JennyLove · 22-12-2008 3:03pm

We were going out just over 1 year. The reason he gave was he didn't feel as strongly as he used to.

Trinity · 22-12-2008 3:09pm

JennyLove wrote: »

We were going out just over 1 year. The reason he gave was he didn't feel as strongly as he used to.

Well i'm sorry to hear that it must have been very hurtful. I dont have any honest answers as to why he wants to keep contact and i dont think you should get your hopes up by trying to figure it out too much.

All you can do now is look out for yourself. Breaking contact is even more painful than a break up believe it or not. By hanging around you are avoiding the pain that will come eventually, especially if he has moved on and you havent. As another poster said could you handle seeing him with another girl?

It may not be selfish reasons he had asking you to stick around but its not of any benefit to you to do so.

If he has a change of heart he will come and find you. Give him time to miss you. Take it on the chin, say ok i am sorry you feel that way but i think its best if we break contact as i find it too difficult to see you, talk to you knowing i cant have you, and that you hope in time to be friends, wish him all the best and walk away.

That would be my advice anyway, although i know its very difficult.

jellie · 22-12-2008 3:15pm

Trinity1 wrote: »

Take it on the chin, say ok i am sorry you feel that way but i think its best if we break contact as i find it too difficult to see you, talk to you knowing i cant have you, and that you hope in time to be friends, wish him all the best and walk away.

Personally i would not give his ego such as a boost as to say all that stuff, but maybe i just have a lot of ex hatred. "knowing i cant have you" just seems a bit much to me.

JennyLove · 22-12-2008 3:15pm

Thanks Trinity. I'm thinking about doing that. Best in the long run.

JennyLove · 22-12-2008 3:17pm

sar84 wrote: »

"knowing i cant have you" just seems a bit much to me.

Agree. I won't be saying that to him. :-)

Trinity · 22-12-2008 3:22pm

sar84 wrote: »

Personally i would not give his ego such as a boost as to say all that stuff, but maybe i just have a lot of ex hatred. "knowing i cant have you" just seems a bit much to me.

I suppose that line is optional.

It doesnt sound like a nasty break up and he doesnt sound that nasty either, at least he is not stringing her along.

Had he cheated or treated her badly then dumped her my advice would be the opposite tbh

Have you ever broken up with someone who hit the roof? Its horrible and you think less of them. I have broken up with people and they said ok i'm sorry you feel that way etc and tbh i thought twice they acted so mature and accepting i actually saw them in a different light.

She will know what to say but my point is to take it like a lady and walk away with your dignity, cos thats one thing you need to have left after someone breaking up with you.

SUre its easier to name call and scream and rant and walk off all bitter and twisted but that will only justify the break up to him and leave you both with a bitter memories of the relationship and each other. They may just need a break and give him time to miss her etc.

Its all down to the individuals and the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Its natural to want to hurt people that hurt you but in the long run it doesnt help anyone.

JennyLove · 22-12-2008 3:25pm

Trinity1 wrote: »

Its all down to the individuals and the circumstances surrounding the relationship.

Well said. And yes I am a lady!

jellie · 22-12-2008 3:36pm

ah i know, i wasnt saying be a b*tch either, just thought it was a bit much

just remain polite & keep some dignity

if you WOULD like to remain friends then take some space & time for yourself first. i would recommend cutting contact for awhile at least though, & if you use things like bebo or facebook delete him as a friend. nothing like finding out your ex has a new gf by seeing photos of him all over her on bebo a month after the break up..

Trinity · 22-12-2008 3:39pm

sar84 wrote: »

ah i know, i wasnt saying be a b*tch either, just thought it was a bit much

just remain polite & keep some dignity

if you WOULD like to remain friends then take some space & time for yourself first. i would recommend cutting contact for awhile at least though, & if you use things like bebo or facebook delete him as a friend. nothing like finding out your ex has a new gf by seeing photos of him all over her on bebo a month after the break up..

Agreed. I read too many books, one of them being how to stop your break up

Didnt work LOL, but i did feel better about having some pride left at the end of it all even though i really wanted to kick his balls and call him every bollix under the sun

homerun_homer · 22-12-2008 3:40pm

sar84 wrote: »

if you WOULD like to remain friends then take some space & time for yourself first. i would recommend cutting contact for awhile at least though, & if you use things like bebo or facebook delete him as a friend. nothing like finding out your ex has a new gf by seeing photos of him all over her on bebo a month after the break up..

Wholeheartedly agree. I kept up Facebook contact for a while and seeing updated photos is very hard thing to cope with.

Trinity · 22-12-2008 3:43pm

homerun_homer wrote: »

Wholeheartedly agree. I kept up Facebook contact for a while and seeing updated photos is very hard thing to cope with.

Ouch. This is why breaking contact is best until you distance yourself and this type of thing doesnt hurt anymore. Some people think you are being bitter, i call it being sensible and protecting yourself from further hurt while you recover from the hurt and get your confidence back.

homerun_homer · 22-12-2008 3:52pm

Trinity1 wrote: »

Ouch. This is why breaking contact is best until you distance yourself and this type of thing doesnt hurt anymore. Some people think you are being bitter, i call it being sensible and protecting yourself from further hurt while you recover from the hurt and get your confidence back.

Very right. I understand not wanting to lose contact from both sides of a break up but unless you both lost interest in the relationship and both knew ending it was for the best and can go back to being friends - it can't be done. You need time and space.
I heard that the time to get over someone is about half the length of the relationship but it wasn't true for me, but I blame the 'holding on' factor and keeping in touch. Maybe I'd be in a better frame of mine if I bit the bullet earlier and cut contact.

He wants to stay friends

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