Falling for someone who isn't available...

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm just wondering if anyone here has ever fallen for someone who is already taken?
And if so...did it ever work out?

I've just realised I am crazy about a friend of mine...but he has a girlfriend. We went on a few dates a few years back but it never turned into a full on relationship. We remained friends though, kept in touch by email and text mostly, and ran into each other on nights out occassionaly.

I have reason to believe he likes me too...on a night out recently he said he would break up with his girlfriend to be with me if he thought I was interested. He said this to me and my 2 friends who were there also. He said this while drunk though...so how do I know if he meant it...or if it was drunk-talk that he regretted saying in the morning?
I don't know too much about his relationship with his girlfriend. They are together close to a year, but I've no idea how the relationship is.
Obviously I dont want to start anything while he is still seeing someone else...but I'm just wondering does anyone have any advice on how I should approach this...?
I don't want to bring it up until I am a bit more sure about how he feels...for fear of rejection, fear of ruining our friendship etc.

There's probably no other advise you can give, other than the obvious..."Talk to him"...but I just thought getting it off my chest might help a little.
Unrequited like sucks!!

LegacyUser

Well, i've been there, and done that and tbh had to just leave it. His relationship was long term and I just couldn't do that to a couple.Even if he was interested. There was (still is) a lot of chemistry, but i've since got to know his girlfriend really well too, and I just couldn't do that to people.
Unrequited love is possibly the worst thing imaginable, but if you give it time it does get better. I've since settled for being friends with the guy, and its working out well. I know it's not much help, but I wouldn't make any moves unless you've some definite (sober) signals.

Trinity

In_Like wrote: »

Hi,

I'm just wondering if anyone here has ever fallen for someone who is already taken?
And if so...did it ever work out?

I've just realised I am crazy about a friend of mine...but he has a girlfriend. We went on a few dates a few years back but it never turned into a full on relationship. We remained friends though, kept in touch by email and text mostly, and ran into each other on nights out occassionaly.

I have reason to believe he likes me too...on a night out recently he said he would break up with his girlfriend to be with me if he thought I was interested. He said this to me and my 2 friends who were there also. He said this while drunk though...so how do I know if he meant it...or if it was drunk-talk that he regretted saying in the morning?
I don't know too much about his relationship with his girlfriend. They are together close to a year, but I've no idea how the relationship is.
Obviously I dont want to start anything while he is still seeing someone else...but I'm just wondering does anyone have any advice on how I should approach this...?
I don't want to bring it up until I am a bit more sure about how he feels...for fear of rejection, fear of ruining our friendship etc.

There's probably no other advise you can give, other than the obvious..."Talk to him"...but I just thought getting it off my chest might help a little.
Unrequited like sucks!!

Has he mentioned it since the drunken talk?

When did you realise you were crazy about him, after he said that to you?

I'd be inclined to leave it. Hes obviously not that into his gf if he said he would leave her for you which makes him a bit of a bollix tbh, sounds like hes obviously just with her for the sake of it.

But i wouldnt be the one to break up a one year relationship. If and when he is single you can have the chat again but until then do nothing. And unrequited "like" is not a good enough excuse to come between 2 people.
Then again he could just have been drunk. Either way the ball is in his court he is the one with the gf. 2 days before christmas is not the best time to be the one to cause a break up.

If he meant it he will bring it up again.

If it didnt work out a few years ago what makes you think it will now?

Are you lonely by any chance? Not once have i heard you mention you might feel guilty about talking about him breaking it off with the gf and starting a relationship with you. Have you considered her in any of this cos he obviously has not.

I'm sorry to be harsh but if i thought my bf was making plans behind my back to leave me with his "friend" and speaking so flippantly about our relationship i would be gutted, and so would you i imagine.

A year might not seem a long time to you but in terms of a relationship its a bit more than a one nighter and she could be crazy about him. You dont know anything about the relationship so it could well be serious and he was just talking ****e due to being drunk.

LegacyUser

Trinity1 wrote: »

Has he mentioned it since the drunken talk?

When did you realise you were crazy about him, after he said that to you?

I'd be inclined to leave it. Hes obviously not that into his gf if he said he would leave her for you which makes him a bit of a bollix tbh, sounds like hes obviously just with her for the sake of it.

But i wouldnt be the one to break up a one year relationship. If and when he is single you can have the chat again but until then do nothing. And unrequited "like" is not a good enough excuse to come between 2 people.
Then again he could just have been drunk. Either way the ball is in his court he is the one with the gf. 2 days before christmas is not the best time to be the one to cause a break up.

If he meant it he will bring it up again.

If it didnt work out a few years ago what makes you think it will now?

Are you lonely by any chance? Not once have i heard you mention you might feel guilty about talking about him breaking it off with the gf and starting a relationship with you. Have you considered her in any of this cos he obviously has not.

I'm sorry to be harsh but if i thought my bf was making plans behind my back to leave me with his "friend" and speaking so flippantly about our relationship i would be gutted, and so would you i imagine.

A year might not seem a long time to you but in terms of a relationship its a bit more than a one nighter and she could be crazy about him. You dont know anything about the relationship so it could well be serious and he was just talking ****e due to being drunk.

Hi Trinity,

I really appreciate your honest response.

When did you realise you were crazy about him, after he said that to you?
Nope. I realised this a good few months back. Then shortly afterwards I realised he had a girlfriend so I made a huge effort to ignore my feelings and try to get over it.
All was fine when I didn't see him...but any time I saw/see him the feelings are still there.

Now ever since he said what he said, I cant get him out of my head...as (probably stupidly) I feel that I might have a chance I'm crazy about him

But i wouldnt be the one to break up a one year relationship. If and when he is single you can have the chat again but until then do nothing. And unrequited "like" is not a good enough excuse to come between 2 people.
Unfortunately you are probably right
The fact that he came out and said what he said probably means he isn't happy in his relationship at the moment, so it might be best to wait and see if that relationship ends itself, without me getting involved. Obviously the last thing I want to do is hurt the girl. I know I'd be completely devestated if it was the other way round.


If it didnt work out a few years ago what makes you think it will now?
We didn't really know each other back then. We met on a night out, had a few dates, nothing serious. I headed off travelling shortly after we met, and then he went travelling a while later. We kept in touch though and have become good friends since we've both returned.



Are you lonely by any chance? Not once have i heard you mention you might feel guilty about talking about him breaking it off with the gf and starting a relationship with you. Have you considered her in any of this cos he obviously has not.
Of course I feel terrible for his girlfriend. When he said what he said that night it would've been easy for me to kiss him etc, but I didn't. I knew he had a girlfriend so I laughed it off as if it was just drunk talk.
It keeps playing on my mind since that night though


I'm sorry to be harsh but if i thought my bf was making plans behind my back to leave me with his "friend" and speaking so flippantly about our relationship i would be gutted, and so would you i imagine.
I agree one million percent. I'd be completely devestated...which is why I am writing about it here and not pouring my heart out to a taken man

THanks again for your response Trinity. I really appreciate it.

MagicMarker

Why would you want to be with a guy like that?

Yeah, he'll leave his girlfriend for you if you're interested, in a years time he'll leave you for someone else if they're interested and so on and so forth.

You're digging a hole for yourself tbh.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Well, i've been there, and done that and tbh had to just leave it. His relationship was long term and I just couldn't do that to a couple.Even if he was interested. There was (still is) a lot of chemistry, but i've since got to know his girlfriend really well too, and I just couldn't do that to people.
Unrequited love is possibly the worst thing imaginable, but if you give it time it does get better. I've since settled for being friends with the guy, and its working out well. I know it's not much help, but I wouldn't make any moves unless you've some definite (sober) signals.

Although that obviously isn't the response I was hoping for, I know that what you said is right.
Unrequited strong like (possibly early stages of love)...really is the worst thing isn't it.
I don't really want to be the cause of a break-up...so I'll sit tight and try to get over it I guess

miss_shadow

This is so common its not even funny. My friend fell for a girl who had a boyfriend, she split up and told him to move out so she could move in my friend!!but they are still together 1 year later and very much in love. I wouldn't suggest it to anyone though.plenty of single men out there, who know how to control themselves.

Trinity

You sound like a nice girl, and nice girls can fall for the wrong people. And find themselves with bad reputaions.

We cant help our feelings but we do have control over the situation and what we do next. Believe me i am not judging but i do think you would be making a mistake. Its a horrible place to be.

If he leaves her of his own accord, then certainly you could have a chance at happiness with him. It may sound romantic now, like a love story so to speak etc.But starting a relationship on foot of something like that may be the downfall of the relationship in the future.

If its meant to be it will be. In the meantime go out have fun and you never know you may meet someone that you have more than strong like feelings for.

If it helps you then minimise if not cut contact. If he asks you whats wrong etc at that point you could say if you wanted to that you are developing feelings for him and that given that he is not single, you think its best for you both. Thats not asking him to break up nor is it saying you want him to. At least he will know how you feel also. I suppose it sounds like i am contradicting myself and i probably am, but there is a subtle difference. This way he knows how you feel, you take yourself out of the equation right then and anything he does after that point is completely his own doing.

I personally would be wary of a guy that spends a year with someone and then can drop them at the drop of a hat for someone else. If the relationship is not fulfilling him, he should have left anyway, instead of waiting for a better offer and stringing the girl along for the ride.

The feelings may never go away, but its about accepting the situation as it is. The ball is firmly in his court now.

LegacyUser

Trinity1 wrote: »

You sound like a nice girl, and nice girls can fall for the wrong people. And find themselves with bad reputaions.

We cant help our feelings but we do have control over the situation and what we do next. Believe me i am not judging but i do think you would be making a mistake. Its a horrible place to be.

If he leaves her of his own accord, then certainly you could have a chance at happiness with him. It may sound romantic now, like a love story so to speak etc.But starting a relationship on foot of something like that may be the downfall of the relationship in the future.

If its meant to be it will be. In the meantime go out have fun and you never know you may meet someone that you have more than strong like feelings for.

If it helps you then minimise if not cut contact. If he asks you whats wrong etc at that point you could say if you wanted to that you are developing feelings for him and that given that he is not single, you think its best for you both. Thats not asking him to break up nor is it saying you want him to. At least he will know how you feel also. I suppose it sounds like i am contradicting myself and i probably am, but there is a subtle difference. This way he knows how you feel, you take yourself out of the equation right then and anything he does after that point is completely his own doing.

I personally would be wary of a guy that spends a year with someone and then can drop them at the drop of a hat for someone else. If the relationship is not fulfilling him, he should have left anyway, instead of waiting for a better offer and stringing the girl along for the ride.

The feelings may never go away, but its about accepting the situation as it is. The ball is firmly in his court now.

Once again, thanks for your replies Trinity.
You're helping me see it from another perspective. My friends opinions are obviously biased, i.e. "Go for it, your deserve to be with someone you really like" and "it's obvious he is mad about you, go for it" etc. Their opinions wouldn't be the same though if they knew the girlfriend...
So it's good to get an independant point of view on it.

You sound like a nice girl, and nice girls can fall for the wrong people. And find themselves with bad reputaions.
Yep...I agree, nice girls do tend to fall for the wrong people. I can see how following this through right now could also lead to a "home-wrecker" type reputation too.


But starting a relationship on foot of something like that may be the downfall of the relationship in the future.
I was thinking this too. My fear was, IF he ended it with the gf and we got together...then down the road it didnt work out...would he resent me and blame me for losing the other girl etc?
Obviously love is a risky business anyway and none of us have any idea what will happen in the future, but what if he gave up on this girl...only to realise down the line that he prefers her afterall.


If it helps you then minimise if not cut contact. If he asks you whats wrong etc at that point you could say if you wanted to that you are developing feelings for him and that given that he is not single, you think its best for you both. Thats not asking him to break up nor is it saying you want him to. At least he will know how you feel also. I suppose it sounds like i am contradicting myself and i probably am, but there is a subtle difference. This way he knows how you feel, you take yourself out of the equation right then and anything he does after that point is completely his own doing.
Good advice.
As you said, the ball is in his court now...

In the meantime I'll try to not think about him...and just enjoy Christmas.

Pass me the mistletoe!! (joke!)

Trinity

I'm sure your friends are right that you do indeed deserve to be with someone nice and a few years ago i probably would have said the same go for it.

But having learnt a few life lessons i would say if he is that mad about you let him get up off his arse, grow a pair, stop stringing that girl along if he feels she is that disposable, and knock on your door as a single man and ask you out! He needs to man up and stop lining up the next girl so he can dump his current gf.

Good luck and enjoy the christmas, i hope it works out for you one way or another.

Wise-one

Falling for someone with a gf is awful!!
But if i were you i would go for it....you only have one life yunno and this guy seems to like you!
Maybe admit to him when use are out or something....you never know what could happen....good luck!

mollybird

ya i've been there and wore the t shirt. for ten years we played cat and mouse. he told me so many times when we were out drinking that he was crazy about me and that we should give us a go. but when i mentioned it to him when we were sober he didn't know what i was talking about. i was so embarresed. when i finally wanted to stop all the games and see if he wanted to give us one proper go he manged to get in there first with.... my girlfriend is pregnant.

it broke my heart as i realisedin the end i was madly in love with him. and 3 different people and three differnt times could see from being near us that we had something. :eek:

anyway his loss and my gain as i'm with a man who i know truly loves me. so just forget what the guy said when he was drunk and move on. they can't be trusted!!

LegacyUser

Mollybird....holy crap, I'd say you were devastated when he came out with "My girlfriend is pregnant".

I think if the guy I'm on about said that to me now I'd be heart-broken :-(

Wise-one, thanks for your post. Part of me really wants to take your advise...but the other part of me can't bring myself to actually tell him how I feel, partly for fear of rejection and partly because I would feel awful for his poor girlfriend.

Two different people have told me over Christmas how suited we are etc, and that they think he is crazy about me....which makes the whole "trying to get over him" thing that bit harder.

But sure...who knows what 2009 will bring.

Whatever happens or doesn't happen is all for a reason

THanks again.

MagicMarker

In_Like wrote: »

Mollybird....holy crap, I'd say you were devastated when he came out with "My girlfriend is pregnant".

I think if the guy I'm on about said that to me now I'd be heart-broken :-(

Wise-one, thanks for your post. Part of me really wants to take your advise...but the other part of me can't bring myself to actually tell him how I feel, partly for fear of rejection and partly because I would feel awful for his poor girlfriend.

Two different people have told me over Christmas how suited we are etc, and that they think he is crazy about me....which makes the whole "trying to get over him" thing that bit harder.

But sure...who knows what 2009 will bring.

Whatever happens or doesn't happen is all for a reason

THanks again.

You seemed to have brushed over the fact that this guy is being incredibly cruel and cold hearted towards his current girlfriend. Does that not bother you in the slightest? That he could do that to someone he supposedly cares about? What makes you think he wouldn't do this to you?

Personally, I think it's incredibly naive, not to mention stupid, for anyone to just ignore something so unbelievably flawed in a persons character like that.

You seemed to have brushed over the fact that this guy is being incredibly cruel and cold hearted towards his current girlfriend. Does that not bother you in the slightest? That he could do that to someone he supposedly cares about? What makes you think he wouldn't do this to you?

Personally, I think it's incredibly naive, not to mention stupid, for anyone to just ignore something so unbelievably flawed in a persons character like that.

+1

Also, so many men (and women) have 'grass is greener' syndrome. They like to think 'what if' and flirt with others and get off on the attention. 9 times out of 10 they realise they have it better with their current partner. My ex was flattered by the attention of a girl who kept texting him, sent flirty emails, when he actually ended up kissing her, he realised that he didn't even like her that much, he hated the fact she cheated on her boyfriend with him, and it made him realise how much he really wanted to be with me. Unfortunately, I found out and ditched him, and he still dwells on it and and feels like a complete tool.

Leave guys with girlfriends well alone. I've had plenty of opportunities to be 'the other woman' and I couldn't do it, couldn't live with myself, and at the end of the day, would you want to be with someone who treats their OH like that? What makes you think he wouldn't do the exact same to you once he got bored of you? Sounds like he's on an ego trip. Doesn't mean he's a horrible person, but it happens. I'd stay well clear and find my own man tbh.

metrovelvet

yeah so crazy about you he's still with his girlfriend.

Geesh, why would you want to be with a guy who doesn't even cleanse his palatte between meals?

LegacyUser

I dunno, I've been in the same boat as both the boyfriend and the OP in this situation.

I'm going out with my girlfriend for over three years as this point, and more and more i'm thinking of our future, marriage, kids, and everything really. The prospect of cheating with just anyone doesn't appeal to me. I've been in clubs when girls have asked me back to their place and I've walked away without ever considering going back to their place. However, there is one person, and she's the only person I've met in the three years of the relationship who I would cheat with (if I could stomach the guilt, being brutally honest). It's a very strange thing, have to say it's something that bothers me hugely. I want to be with my girlfriend, she's everything I want in a partner, honestly. No idea how to explain the attraction to the other girl. Relationships aren't black and white, relationships need a lot of work, no matter how devoted you are to your partner. Perhaps I'm naive and everyone is actually mad about more than one person, maybe I'm a complete bastard, I don't know.

On the other hand, when I was in the OP's position, I didn't act on being with the girl who told me she wanted me instead of her boyfriend, there's always someone else, without a partner, to pull.

cullend2

well, something similar happened between me and a friend of mine. we were really attracted to eachother and clicked on every level, and she broke up with her boyfriend to be with me (she had assured me that that relationship was already dead, and she was only still with him until she figured out how to end it).
long story short we got together, i was incredibly happy for a few weeks, but then she realised that she missed her ex. so i get dropped (i suppose in as nice a way as possible under the circumastances). we are in uni together and as a result i never really got a chance to get over her, and as a result i am still mad about her.
but i digress! id say leave it. if it works it could be great, but id say the odds are against you