Romance, etc - advice ...

Nyree

I went out with this guy once and he was sickeningly romantic. I'm more of a practical person so I don't get the whole romantic thing. I understand there has to be a certain amount of it, especially at the beginning. But it's like the whole "I love you" thing, it's just words. i would much prefer a guy who never said anything to me and then once in a blue moon came out with something subtle. I would find that much more of a turn on than someone who is constantly pouring their heart out when they hardly know you. I just think romance is shallow and wont get you through a relationship or a marriage or the hard times.

This guy I went out with, right from the get go he kept doing this staring thing which made me really uncomfortable. In a restaurant across the table, he would keep staring at me and he'd say things like "You're a wonderful person " and it was silly because it was only the second date so he hadn't a clue what sort of person I was ! Then he wanted me to meet him Saturday morning and stay out with him all day until 2am and then again the same thing on Sunday. It was too much too soon - I just didn't want to give up my entire weekend for somone I'd just started dating. I know there's no set rules of course, but I always thought when you started dating someone that you met them maybe once a week and then after a while twice a week and so on ... anyway, when we were out, all he wanted to do was go for walks (bearing in mind we were both in our 30s, not teenagers) which I don't mind but his idea of going for walks was to walk through the park or street for 5 minutes, stop for a snog in broad daylight infront of God knows how many people (not my thing at all), walk for another 5 minutes, stop for a snog ... then one night he wanted me to snog him in a queue for a taxi and I told him I'd prefer to leave intimacy to more private situations (I was trying not to hurt his feelings) and he got into a big sulk and stalked off in a huff ! One of the really embarrassing things he used to do was, we'd be having our cuddle on the usual public thoroughfare and he'd keep petting my hair - like running both his hands down my hair really fast and saying "Now ! Now! Now!" like I was his pet dog ! I felt like his pet dog ! And he sounded demented. he also used to put on these really patronising false smiles when he was trying to be romantic. I found the whole thing suffocating to be honest. Is all this behaviour normal because I don't think I could go through another relationship like that again to be honest. Are all guys like this ? Surely not !

abi2007

no i don't think it's normal.. he sounds a bit obsessive or controlling.

Miacc

Nyree, that guy sounds like a nut! you're obviously sounder than he is so it seems that's where the problem lies! ... ! Sincerity is so important, seemed he was lacking on that count among other things!e.g. personal insight, interpersonal social skills etc., but it does take a while to get to know what someone's like.

dont let him put you off relationships-i say:o

Nyree

Oh thank God, lol, I thought I was going mad ! You see he had just broken up with someone he was engaged to so I think he was on the rebound, in fact I'm sure of it. Not that that necessarily excuses the over-romantic stuff but I think his ex-fiance liked it. I thought I would get a reply back saying it's perfectly normal and to get over it !

Nevyn

Firstly there are 4 sets of rules,
your rules for what you think is acceptabel behaviour,
his rules for what he thinks is acceptable behaviour,
what society and law thinks is acceptable behaviour
and what both as a couple agree is acceptable behaviour after dicussing such things
and coming to an agreement.

Personally it sounds like you are dating a teen ager and I for one would not stand for that type of behaviour not that I am not against PDA put there is a limit and
does he not have a life of his own ?

You are right he doesn't know you and it sounds like he is more intrested in being enamoured with an idea of you then getting to know the real you and your rules as to how you life your life.

No not all men are like that but a lot of 'boys' are.

Nyree

I'm so glad I'm getting these responses because I was sure I must have missed something and would be told not to be so silly. I used to come home and tell my mother and she used to say "Ah ! that's lovely, he's mad about you !" but I think she just wanted me married to be honest ! It wasn't lovely. It was like going out with a 14 year old school boy who's going through puberty. And I'm sorry for being so explicit but he hadn't a clue how to kiss. He kissed with his mouth wide open so it was covering half my face - how in hell are you supposed to kiss someone like that ? It was like kissing a dying fish. Please tell me I've a lot better things to look forward to !!!

MagicMarker

Yeah, he's a bit full on.

What's more concerning is that you kept seeing him past the second ''wonderful person'' date, after he planned your whole weekend, after the first walk, or after the taxi queue, after the hair stroking, so much so that you referred to it as a relationship.

Why did you feel the need to get into a relationship with someone you quite clearly didn't like?

Madame Razz

MagicMarker wrote: »

Yeah, he's a bit full on.

What's more concerning is that you kept seeing him past the second ''wonderful person'' date, after he planned your whole weekend, after the first walk, or after the taxi queue, after the hair stroking, so much so that you referred to it as a relationship.

Why did you feel the need to get into a relationship with someone you quite clearly didn't like?

Really good point here. Granted the average bear(including myself) would be a little unnerved by that level of soppyness.... but if you actually liked the guy you probably wouldn't have abhorred it so much.

Trust your gut instinct on these things, if you don't like him after date two call a spade a spade and move on, as opposed to wasting your own and his time!!

If it doesn't feel remotely right in the beginning,it's unlikely it ever will;)

Nyree

Well, I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'd never had a boyfriend. I thought if I chucked him, I'd never meet anyone else. I guess I was right, here I am 5 years later and there's been nobody. But I don't regret it - I couldn't stick him. I mean, he didn't hurt me or cheat on me or anything, he wasn't bad in that sense, but it didn't matter. I would have gone mad if I'd stayed with him another minute. It was when we broke up that I really saw him for what he was.

Madame Razz

Nyree wrote: »

Well, I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'd never had a boyfriend. I thought if I chucked him, I'd never meet anyone else. I guess I was right, here I am 5 years later and there's been nobody. But I don't regret it - I couldn't stick him. I mean, he didn't hurt me or cheat on me or anything, he wasn't bad in that sense, but it didn't matter. I would have gone mad if I'd stayed with him another minute. It was when we broke up that I really saw him for what he was.

absolutely no need to be embarrassed; some people do relationships, others don't, and nobody has to; unless it's right for them.

But 5 years later you have to let this go. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince I'm afraid, and happen he was one of the frogs.

A guy can be the nicest man in the world, but if he's not for you he's not for you, it's not something that you can pretend, not for anything more than a short space of time anyway.

So right now i'm guessing that it's Xmas and you're a little bit lonely, cos it's that sort of season??

WEll look on the bright side, it's also a great time of year for parties, socialising and other generally fun stuff, and a great opportunity to enjoy yourself and meet new people. BE good to yourself, be nice to yourself, and focus on enjoying yourself and having a good time. Mr right/ reasonably rigt will come along in his own good time, but a watched pot never boils so make the most of the season, forget the loneliness and laugh laugh laugh.

Happy Christmas!

MH

Nyree

Well, the reason I don't have a boyfriend after 5 years is not entirely because of what happened with Mr. Romantic - I just never meet anyone. The reason I'm embarrassed is because I was 30 by the time I met someone and then he turned out to be on the rebound. My social life used to be fairly ok - I joined a social club about 10 years ago and thought I'd made some good friends (after many years of bad friends) but they haven't turned out to be the nicest people in the world, let's put it that way. And the club isn't doing well, can't get members. The remaining members, these so-called friends of mine, I can't get them motivated to do anything. They are very cliquish and tend to leave me out, going off together on holidays and not inviting me or even telling me. They don't call me for months and then use me because they're stuck for someone to go somewhere with, that kind of thing. Anyway, the thing is, my social life is pathetic. But when I did have a fairly ok social life I never met anyone either. And I have joined every club and night class known to man over the years - it's quite depressing. I sometimes wonder if there are any single men in their 30s left. Think I've been left on the shelf. Anyway, happy Christmas to you too ! Sorry for being a moan.

Liam Byrne

Nyree wrote: »

I sometimes wonder if there are any single men in their 30s left.

The answer to that is YES (well, from first-hand experience there's definitely one, anyways......ME!!!!!)

We've all probably been with our fair share of odditites; too clingy, to manipulating, too psycho, too intense, too shallow, etc.

Sometimes it's horses for courses (know a few friends who are so in each others' pockets that it'd annoy the bejaysus out of me, but they're perfect together) and there are girls that if you ignore them or treat them like **** they'll stay interested, but if you treat them OK they'll leg it or take advantage and treat guys like crap....

We've all been through what you have (more or less) and we've probably all been through the opposite extreme too.

Live on, enjoy life, and best of luck!

And Happy Christmas to yourself too!

cantdecide

I am worried about a lot of your language in your posts. IMO, you do come across as a bit negative and judgemental. Most men aren't as soppy as yer man but that doesn't mean he's a nutter- he's not harming anyone. There are lots of women who like to be complimented and have the full attention of their OH. If that's not for you, fine but you have come here looking for confirmation that he's a nutjob when you were just simply mis-matched.

Nyree

No, I never said I wanted to know if he was a nutjob. I wanted to know if that level of attention and soppy romantic stuff was normal. Because having had only one boyfriend, I really have no idea. Seriously, if you had your first boyfriend at age 30 and he turned out like that, would you be totally optimistic ? I also failed to mention other things that happened which might throw some more light on the situation. See what you think after reading this.

We worked in the same building and instead of just ringing me up he would leave letters on my keyboard every morning. I'd have to sit there for 10 minutes reading reams of all this nauseating nonsense. If I happened to mention in conversation to him that I liked a particular singer or movie or band or whatever, the next morning it would be on my desk with a long letter. If I mentioned an event or something, there would be a newspaper article about it on my desk with an accompanying letter.

He kept talking about how bad he felt for ending it with his ex. He would write letters to her out of guilt and ring her up and then tell me about it days later. I wasn't even worried about them getting back together, that wasn't the issue, it was just bloody strange.

He admitted to me that he had this awkward problem. He told me that sometimes when he came into the room where I was, he would freeze and be unable to speak and would have to run out. I just accepted it at the time but looking back, I can see it was all part and parcel of something that wasn't quite right ...

He would spend days macanating over asking me the simplist things, like would I go on holidays and when I'd answer favourably he'd react like he'd just won the Lotto or something. He'd keep saying he thought I was going to get sick of him which got a bit annoying after a while. The time he asked me to go on holidays, I agreed, he nearly fell of his seat and then when I said "So, where will we go ?" he said "I'll discuss that with you later" ?? He was like a school teacher half the time. In a letter he wrote me after we broke up, he told me that he had been very patient with me while we were going out. Like I wasn't quite up to scratch but he was prepared to wait ....!

He invited me around for dinner one day (he was living at home with his Mother) and you know those large Denny pies you can buy in the supermarket, in the round blue and red tins ? Well I got one of those on a plate and nothing else. That was my dinner. He hadn't a clue ! And the best he could suggest was MacDonalds at the end of a date, which I wasn't very impressed with.

One day I owed him a fiver. He took it and when we met up a few days later, he told me he had something to tell me. But when I asked him what, he looked around the pub we were in, like there was someone after him and told me he'd tell me later. Later he took a fiver from his pocket and told me that it was the fiver I'd given him a few days before and that he had tried to use it on a bus and had been informed it was a fake. Highly embarrassed I immediately offered him a new fiver. He took the new fiver and gave me back the fake one !! Now THAT I was not impressed with. After we broke up he sent me the receipt for a necklace he had bought me, maintaining it was incase I wanted to repair or change the necklace ! But by then I knew what he was like regarding money and he just wanted me to know how much he'd spent on me !

When I ended it, he stalked me for months, continuing to send me letters and taking books out of the library on my behalf and leaving video tapes on my desk of films I never asked him to tape ..... turning up at places I was at ... it was unnerving. He also acted like a spoiled baby in work, storming through the office and banging doors and ignoring me ... etc etc ... the reason I didn't mention any of this in my initial post was because none of it necessarily puts me off other men - it was obviously just him. But the over-romantic thing was what was worrying me.

Nevyn

Well there comes a time were if you are falling for the same type odd ball or unstable
person you have to look at why that is happening.

who007

holy crap!
I am stunned...at a lot of things on this thread

Nyree

What has you stunned ?

Danimalito

Your man sounds a bit strange alright.

What's also a bit disconcerting is that you've been so unlucky in your social life. I'm sure there are lots of good single men out there now when you're in your 30's, also I think there must have been plenty of them around when you were in your teens or 20's. And really, friends aren't _that_ hard to find.

I don't know, maybe you should have a good look at yourself and try to figure out if you're doing something wrong here, i.e. how you interact with other people.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Antilles

I'm the romantic one in my relationship, so take this however you want, OP. Your fella sounds like a total nutbar. My advice is get as far away from him as you can.

Petting your hair and claiming he loves you on the second date does not equal romantic.

Petting your hair and claiming he loves you on the second date equals creepy-stalkerish.

Monkey61

To be honest he doesn't sound that bad - just entirely clueless (the fiver incident and the Denny pie). He was trying his best though.

I think the main point, which has been stated before, is that if you really really liked him then most of that stuff would have been fine. By not dumping him the minute you realised that you didn't like him, you were sending him the signals that the way he was carrying on was working.

Not all men are like that, but when you meet someone you actually like, you might end up wanting more romance than you think you do now.

Das Kitty

I think the most important thing about romance is that both parties need to be on the same page, I'm sure there are plenty of women who would love a man like that, but then there are plenty more who would be unsettled as you were.

Horses for courses.

You do need to assess though that if this is they type of guy you're ending up on dates with a lot that you may need to look in to why this is.

Sometimes the most romantic thing is a cup of tea and a Wispa home from the shop.

Nyree

First of all, just to clarify a few things - I'm not going out with him anymore, this all happened like 5 years ago. Secondly, the reason I went out with him was because I'd never been asked out before and grabbed the chance, naturally. I thought he seemed like a nice guy. And he didn't tell me he loved me on the second date, he said that after a couple of months. And the reason I didn't dump him immediately is because I believe in giving people a chance. I was so amazed to have a boyfriend that I wasn't going to chuck him in over incidents which are not hanging offences. In the end we just weren't compatible and I didn't want to be with him. All of these incidents contributed to it but weren't the entire reason. I was just concerned that maybe all guys expect dates to engage in this level of romantic foreplay because I found it unbearably suffocating and I really couldn't go through it again. And I don't think I could even if I really liked the guy. To me it's superficial, okay it's trivial but it's superficial and that makes me uncomfortable. It also makes me uncomfortable doing it in public, I'm not into public displays of affection. He used to gaze at me and say "I want the whole world to know !" - well I didn't !

Das Kitty

OK, well then have you tried asking any guys out or do you always wait for them to make the first move. If the latter I would suggest taking a leap and asking a bloke out. What's the worst that could happen?

LegacyUser

Wow. That guy sounds a bit odd.
There's nothing wrong with romance, but personally, I'd find someone like him totally and completely smothering. I am lucky enough to be in a very long term relationship, but at the start I used to find some of the things my boyfriend did/said were overwhelming and made me want to run!!I was(still am obviously!) his first girlfriend so I knew that was part of it, but he stopped after a while, and just settled for the more "normal" romantic things.Mind you he never did anything even approaching what that guy did.And I personally don't like big public displays of affection that much either. Holding hands is one thing....full on kissing in the middle of a street, I would prefer to keep in private.But that's just me personally.

He sounds like he just hadn't got a single clue how to behave. That sort of attention is not really normal, but romance is okay!!He just...was less romantic and more smothering and slightly controlling.

I'm in my late twenties, and I've several single (male) friends.All totally normal, nice guys, who have had relationships that haven't worked out for one reason or another. So yes there are decent nice guys out there. But maybe you should take a look at yourself aswell.Maybe you should try doing the asking!
Good luck!

Nyree

I'm glad to hear that that level of romance is not the norm because I really wondered. I couldn't imagine my sister and brother going on like that with their partners. I don't mind a bit but for heavens sake !

In the right situation I might ask a guy out but it would have to be the right situation. I wouldn't just walk up to a guy in a bar and start chatting him up, no way ! Maybe if I was introduced to someone or accidentally found myself chatting innocently away to someone at a party or something - then I might suggest meeting up, but I'd have to feel totally comfortable with him.

Having said all that, I never get the chance to ask anyone out since I never meet anyone. I hardly speak to any guys from one end of the year to the other. And any I do speak to, I find them patronising and condesending. I think they take one look at me and presume I'm quiet and shy, like it's a fatal disease and treat me accordingly. I've had guys come up to me in a pub, without introducing themselves or even saying "Hello" and say "I bet your really quiet and shy" which really annoys me because I'm not really quiet and shy. I feel like saying "I bet your really loud and pushy!" If you think I'd give someone like that the time of day, you must be joking.

entropi

Nyree, i'm gonna agree with Monkey61 here and say this guy was not a total nutbar, but just really inexperienced at anything in relationship/dating etiquette. You said it was your first time being asked out and jumped at it basically, maybe it was his first time trying this too, even his first time getting that close to a girl so he could act the way he did...but from my male viewpoint i'm gonna say there are alot of men out there with quirky traits that may seem creepy alright, just like there are women with irrational/not seen as normal behaviour. Thankfully i aint met any of these women yet, hopefully you'll have faith in us males and see we aint all strange haha:D

LightningBolt

Nyree wrote: »

I'm not going out with him anymore, this all happened like 5 years ago.

Personal Issue after 5 years? Are you having recurring nightmares about this guy or something?

St Bill

Nyree wrote: »

I've had guys come up to me in a pub, without introducing themselves or even saying "Hello" and say "I bet your really quiet and shy" which really annoys me because I'm not really quiet and shy. I feel like saying "I bet your really loud and pushy!" If you think I'd give someone like that the time of day, you must be joking.

OP, they're chatting you up. Alright it mightn't be the best chat-up line in the world, but they've made the effort to strike up a conversation with you. Instead of getting annoyed, just have a laugh with them. See how you get on. And put yourself in their shoes, sometimes it's not easy to intitiate a conversation with someone you like.

SIBHCHEVIE

Wo what a weirdo, I like my romance I would even say i'm a hopeless romantic but thats just stalking behaviour!!!

I would agree with the last post they are attempts at chatting you up and do try to engage in them and see where they go, it's better than nothing. Also try going on holidays sometimes it's easier to find guys and chat them up or vice versa.

Good luck and keep looking you'll find someone, just remember to stay optimistic guys can smell desperation a mile away and it turns them off so just be relaxed and be yourself.

dudara

LightningBolt Helpful replies only please. Take the time to read the charter with regard to posting in this forum.

dudara

by8auj6csd3ioq

Nyree wrote: »

I feel like saying "I bet your really loud and pushy!"

Why don't you say just that? it is an excellent response

Nyree

Lol ... I will the next time! I think telling me they bet I'm quiet and shy is really insulting ! I don't think that's any way to chat up someone ! I think these people are arrogant.

MagicMarker

Nyree wrote: »

Lol ... I will the next time! I think telling me they bet I'm quiet and shy is really insulting ! I don't think that's any way to chat up someone ! I think these people are arrogant.

Maybe they're just making an observation? Maybe that's just how you come across? Yes, maybe they are wrong, and maybe you're wrong when you decide that they're suddenly arrogant for making an innocent comment in an attempt to strike up a conversation? Maybe you should lighten up?

by8auj6csd3ioq

Nyree wrote: »

Lol ... I will the next time!

do seriously, i would love to hear their response. don'y forget to post it

I think telling me they bet I'm quiet and shy is really insulting !

that is the spirit insult them back, ask them if you are the first person they chatted up

I don't think that's any way to chat up someone ! I think these people are arrogant.

as above tell em you think they are arrogant. if i was patronising to a girl as in saying these things and she called me on my arrogance and ignorance i would be well impressed by her cos it shows spirit and it shows my perceptions which i base my chat on were wrong ans it show the girl is not afraid to speak up for herself.

by8auj6csd3ioq

OP I was thinking about my contribution here.

I would add that when I say to 'call' them on their arrogance as perceived by you that you should do so in a joking/sarcastic and challenging way, not aggressive. In other words you are challenging them to chat you up in a 'better' way in a humourous manner rather than telling to get lost in an aggressive way

Were you out over christmas? Did you try it? Let us know

LegacyUser

If someone approaches you with 'I bet you're really shy and quiet', just keep bouncing it back to him with stuff like 'Do you?', or 'Why's that then?', and watch his responses... he'll either make a majestic save at that point or dig himself in deeper :P