Overcoming irrational jealousy?

LegacyUser

Ok, hopefully I can make this clear and uncomplicated!

I had a past relationship which broke up due to me being jealous of my GF, sometimes justified, sometimes not. I was young at the time (20).

She sometimes told lies and gave me reasons to doubt her. Other times I was just completely irrational.

Fast forward a few years. I have a great GF, serious relationship (talking about moving in together - a big step for her, as she is foreign and will have to move to Ireland permanently).

She is completely trustworthy. She is mature, gorgeous, sensible, great fun, everything I could want.

Yet I always have this irrational feeling when she goes out at night without me. I can not pinpoint why I get this feeling.

I don't think it is because I don't trust her. I feel I could line up 1000 guys and she would turn every single one of them down. I have complete faith in her that she would never cheat on me.

I am wondering if it is an ego thing. Maybe I don't like the idea of her having fun without me. If so, I really hate myself for it. My GF doesn't deserve that. I am able to lead a seperate life, and I don't expect her life to centre around me. I am not convinced that this is the reason why I get this irrational feeling sometimes.

Is it the thought of other guys liking her? I don't like the thought of other guys eyeing her up, but I take it as a compliment that my GF is desirable to others. And I am sure I have harmlessly checked out other guys GFs in the past, and probably will do so again in the future!

So, I know that there is no logical reason why I should get this irrational feeling when she goes out. Is it some insecurity that I have? Is it jealousy? Am I looking for reassurance? Is it a hang-up from a previous relationship? Am I being a nancy-boy (this may be the answer!)?

It is the same type of feeling that the EX used to give me, except on a much smaller scale. So I know the issue is with me. My GF has never ever once done anything to make me doubt her or be suspicious of her.
I have never mentioned this to her as I feel it would be counter-productive. It would make her a bit cautious, and it wouldn't solve my problem.

My male brain is able to see how illogical the whole thing is, yet I can't change it.

How can I go about distracting myself when these feelings occur? Or better yet, how can I prevent them from happening at all?

Hope the post was clear, any helpful advice appreciated.

seahorse

irrational wrote: »

My male brain is able to see how illogical the whole thing is, yet I can't change it.

How can I go about distracting myself when these feelings occur? Or better yet, how can I prevent them from happening at all?

Well you cant prevent these feelings from occurring at all because, regardless how sternly the insecurity brigade may judge you, some degree of possessiveness towards the one we love is a natural and normal trait; it is part of the human condition. What you can and should do is listen to that male logical brain; that is how you can distract yourself when you feel these feelings. Listen to the side of yourself that is speaking when you reassure yourself there's nothing to worry about (because that's the side of yourself that's talking sense!)

We've all been given cause to feel jealousy at one point or other; the thing to remember here is that you haven't been given just cause, so natural as it is to feel a bit insecure sometimes when you see your partner walking out the door looking hot and sure to draw admiring male glances, you should remind yourself that there is nothing to worry about, and that deep down, you know that.

Kya1976

this is something i find extremely annoying in a relationship, maybe because I'm not jealous whatsoever....never have been and I doubt I ever will be...

To me this sound more like insecurity, which I think jealousy stems from anyway. I'm 100% sure that there's nothing she can do to change the way you think, this is something you need to deal with, it's only gonna cause you aggro walking around feeling/thinking like this....
think it's a case of you need to mature a little and learn how to trust your gf.

LegacyUser

Kya1976 wrote: »

To me this sound more like insecurity, which I think jealousy stems from anyway. I'm 100% sure that there's nothing she can do to change the way you think, this is something you need to deal with, it's only gonna cause you aggro walking around feeling/thinking like this....
think it's a case of you need to mature a little and learn how to trust your gf.

Did you read my opening post properly?

I said that my GF has done nothing wrong. I'm not expecting her to do anything to change the way I think. I explicitly stated that this was My issue. I do not want her to change either.

I also said that I trust my GF completely. When I get these feelings, I'm not worrying that she will cheat on me. At all. I would trust that girl above anyone in this world.

I'm not so sure its a case of me being immature. I do not justify my feelings and I can see how illogical they are.

I do not burden her with my stupid anxiety. Ever.

I was looking for help with preventing or overcoming these feelings.

Thanks for taking the time to respond though.

Kya1976

irrational wrote: »

Did you read my opening post properly?

I said that my GF has done nothing wrong. I'm not expecting her to do anything to change the way I think. I explicitly stated that this was My issue. I do not want her to change either.

I also said that I trust my GF completely. When I get these feelings, I'm not worrying that she will cheat on me. At all. I would trust that girl above anyone in this world.

I'm not so sure its a case of me being immature. I do not justify my feelings and I can see how illogical they are.

I do not burden her with my stupid anxiety. Ever.

I was looking for help with preventing or overcoming these feelings.

Thanks for taking the time to respond though.

yes i did but I'm sorry I dont think there's a magic pill you can take for this problem.
sorry I couldn't be of any more help:)

Beetlebum

Kya1976 wrote: »

yes i did but I'm sorry I dont think there's a magic pill you can take for this problem.
sorry I couldn't be of any more help:)

He didn't ask for a magic pill or an easy answer. Why did you bother replying at all if you could be of no help?

Trinity

I'm currently trying to overcome a similar problem.

Is it only when she goes out? Like for that period of time that she is gone what happens?

What are you doing, thinking, feeling? Where are you, who are you with?

Basically its a tough job but you have to try change your pattern of thinking. Replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.

If you know she wont cheat what is it your worried about, what is your fear? Is it of other guys hitting on her? She sounds like an attractive lady and this could happen, but you cannot prevent it and neither can she, she can reject their advances of course and it sounds like she will do that. But the fact that you trust her is fantastic dont you think? Thats a great bonus and must give you peace of mind.

Could you go into a little more detail if possible, give an example? It would be easier for me to understand if you were worried about her cheating. Are you afraid of losing her?

SOunds like you have a good head on your shoulders so i will spare the lectures but if you hold her too tight, its a self fulfilling prophecy that you will in fact push her away, therefore your fear of losing her is whats gonna happen.

How do you feel about yourself? Could it be that you perhaps dont feel good enough for her?

Just throwing these out to get more insight!

Wagon

Well dude, im not sure if there's a solid answer but I get that too sometimes. I've had reason not to trust people, through actions of my ex's in the past. My current girlfriend lives in a different country and every time I get doubts or something, I just remember that she isn't my ex. Or any of them! It helps me out a little. And like someone said above, it's natural for someone to be a little possessive over the person they are with. Hope this helps.

LegacyUser

Well there. I'm going unreg'd for this one.

What you've just written there is me.........exactly........2 years ago.

Insecurities from past GF, and other issues.
Knowing the problem.
Hating the problem.
Not being able to source it.
I was actually stunned to read your post, epecially about trusting your girlfriend fully.....and getting the same...ehm.(let's not go there) response from certain people who don't actually listen. It used to irritate the hell out of me when people said "you just have to trust her man!"

If you are as similar to me as you seem, I could hazard a guess that when you feel it, the thoughts going through your head are
"I trust her....I just don't trust them"

With me, I think the trust thing became an issue when I had a crap GF who I would catch out on small lies. I would catch her out on these by manipulating conversation, phrasing things in certain ways, and eventually find a lie there somewhere. I was young too (19) and it was one of my first serious relationships.

I will say this to you my friend.

Leave the past behind. You may think that you're not holding onto any feelings on the surface...but they're still there.

This might get a backlash here. Pretend. Only to start out with. It's what I did. When she'd call after a night out, I'd listen to all the goings on and nod, smile and make jokes about stuff that happened (guys chatting her up etc). After a while, you begin to realise this is how you should deal with it. Even if you need to emulate it first. Try it out. After a while, you'll feel better. You won't go to bed with that sick feeling in your stomach. The feeling of worry.

If you get wound up about stuff like that, not only will your relationship suffer, but your entire life.

Guys will chat her up, come onto her. Accept this fact. You will have to live with it for quite sometime. If you know your woman, you know she won't let anything happen..no harm done. There's nothing more attractive than someone who's secure in themselves.

Your problem is you're afraid of getting hurt/lied to again. Possibly waiting for something to go wrong?

We all have our past baggage, and you can't drop it overnight. Not if you're an emotional person who has had trust betrayed before.

I think another reason I (maybe you too?) felt that way was because I know the male species. I was single...and heaven forgive me, I did the whole nightclub, pull as many women as you can period. It can give you a terrible insight into what goes on when a gorgeous woman are in the vacinity of such people. It's perhaps an even worse insight for those who mature and move on. Knowing that your woman is out in the same places where these fellas are out and about is not fun at all.

Anyway, try out what I suggested and good luck.

It's been a bit of a jumbled up reply, but hopefully you can get something from that and loose those feelings that I once had.

LegacyUser

I think it is do with my own insecurities.

I have just thought of an example that really annoyed me. Happened maybe last month.
She is from a different country. One of her friends (housemate) had some friends visiting. She didn't know the visitors but as they had a mutual friend in common, they all ended up out in a pub together.

One of the guys that was visiting liked my GF. It came up in converstaion with my GF and her housemate (her housemate brought it up in a jokey kind of way).
My GF introduced me to the guy when I was at her house one day. The guy was kind of brief with me but chatty with everyone else. This happened on the two occasions I met him. Then I saw photos from the night out in the pub. There was one of him with his arm around my GF. This annoyed me.

Now, I was not mad at my GF. She did not lead him on, she introduced me to him, her friends teased her about it in front of me, I stayed at her house two nights when that guy was also in the house. So it is clear that she wasn't even thinking of liking him. She even begged me to go out that night to the pub but I couldn't because of work the following morning.
I trust her completely, I don't doubt that she would ever cheat on me.

So why does it piss me off so much when I see that photo? Or when I think about that guy ignoring me? Its not logical that something like that would bother me. Or at least, cause me so much disproportionate annoyance.

I never mentioned any of this to my GF because it has no relevance to her. I will never mention any of these anxieties to her because it is the type of stuff that would drive anyone away.

Now this is only an example. Sometimes I worry with no justification at all. I'm secure in every other aspect of my life. I thought I was secure with my own self but maybe I am not.

I mean, we have talked about getting married. Everything is so good. Why do I ruin things for myself? The girl wants to move country to be with me.

I repeat, she thinks I am a laid back BF, totally secure in myself. I will never tell her about these feelings.

I also think that I am giving a false image of the relationship. I am fine 98% of the time. But it this small 2% that annoys me.

Thanks for all the help so far.

cantdecide

When you draw whatever conclusions you come to, I'd consider telling her about the problems you're trying to overcome. At least if you do find yourself in a state of jealousy over something she will know you don't mean to be that way in the heat of the moment.

metrovelvet

I dont know how jealous you get but I dont think a little bit of jealousy is a bad thing. It points to several things: one you value her so you are scared of losing her, two you are humble enough to be aware that you could lose her, three your own sense of inadequacies, four recognition of a predatory world out there.

Unfortunately, when these acknowlegements grow out of proportion they start to cause trouble. If you can accept them and just hold them and acknowlege them for what they are then perhaps you can not feel enslaved by them. When they start to bother you, try to distract yourself and do something to pay attention to you and not the fact that your girlfriend is somewhere else without you.

seahorse

irrational wrote: »

Its not logical that something like that would bother me.

Here's where you're going wrong: You're trying to marry logic and emotion. You can forget that - it will never happen, the two don't mix.

Logic and emotion are like oil and water and always will be. It wasn't logical for me to be majorly pissed off when some desperate slapper spent several months trying to get her hole off my long-term partner, even though he and I laughed about it and I knew for a fact she was never going to satisfy her desires. Here's the thing: I was still pissed off with the cheek of her, and such is human nature. Anyone who tells you otherwise here is either deliberately talking crap on the internet or has no clue how the human mind works.

McGinty

Hi Op

Seahorse makes some good points, however, I don't think it hurts to examine how we behave in such situations.

Whilst I don't get jealous per ce, I do get needy and like you I hate it. Like you I don't express it but I feel it inside and it gets to me. The fact that you are aware of and wanting to work on your jealousy issues is really commendable, a lot of people just act on them, so give yourself so credit for that. You are right that it is an internal issue for you, and I think, well this what I am doing about my neediness issue, is to be totally aware of the feelings, put a spotlight on the feelings when they arise, be aware of them but don't judge them (easier said than done but if you can it works) sometimes I do this and the needy feelings go away. They come back, but I am hoping in time they will only strike on rare occasions, I have only got in touch with them recently.

It might help (espically if you are going to live together) to tell your girlfriend, explain to her you know it is your problem and that you are working on it but that it is there, I suggest this because my partner gets jealous, which I find hard, but he is aware the problem lies with him and I know that he is working on it and so I can cope better when he gets jealous or upset. This problems become heightened when you live together so it may be worth considering.

Trinity

You know everyone is different and dont be so hard on yourself. Everyone reacts differently and i would have reacted the same as you.

SOme people would laugh it off, and get a kick out of knowing he wants what you have, i'd be more inclined to think prick. And it wasnt so much the fact that he liked your girlfriend, it was more to do with how he treated you just because you are her boyfriend. And judged you it seems entirely on the fact. Thats his problem.

I dont think that example you gave was that bad at all. Unless of course you let it take over.

Unregged above gave a fantastic answer. You have to shake off these feelings. Its ok to think things once you dont dwell on them or let them take over. I dont think its half as bad as you think.

DOnt try to be perfect, its not necessary at all. And great as she is she must have some flaws herself, even little ones?

I know you dont want your gf to know any of these things, but my fear would be that someday it will spiral and you will just explode at her for nothing, and she wont know what hit her.

It wouldnt do any harm to talk to her, tell her you trust her etc. She more than anyone can reassure you. Communication is the key as well.

I still think half the battle is won because you say you trust her. That is something i wish i had.

I dont think its jealousy, or at least it doesnt sound that way to me. A little bit of insecurity maybe. You have been hurt, its normal. Just dont let it eat away. Think positively, you have mentioned lots of them here just focus on them.

As unregged said fake it for a while, brush it off and say meh hes a prick or meh i have nothing to worry about she loves me i trust her to do the right thing and phone a friend, go out for a pint, get onto after hours and have a laugh!

I wish i had some practical advice to give you but i am only starting counselling after xmas and god i need it LOL

But if you are still worried about it at that stage give me a PM and i will pass on any tips i get, but then i am 100 times worse than you, in fact if i was just like you i would think i was normal and wouldnt bother with counselling :-)

LegacyUser

Man oh man.
That seems like my life story. I was going out with the ex from 18 to 20 when she messed me up. Same thing, little lies here and there, avoid this, avoid that. Made me paranoid beyond belief. When, if she had been upfront with me about things, it wouldn't have been so bad. I can deal with a real problem. I can't deal with my own imagination and an imagined problem!

I too did the whole single thing, out in clubs, chasing women etc. I was never a bastard, but I know how guys think.

I'm also past the stage of 'I trust her, but I dont trust them'.

I used to think like that, but now I think that is just a cop out for jealousy. I trust her, I could put the biggest bastrd in the world beside her and it wouldnt matter because I know she would do the right thing.

At the minute, I am at the stage of pretending nothing bothers me, I can laugh it off when guys come onto her etc.

I think someone hit the nail on the head. I think I react like 'What the fck are you doing, thats my GF'

I think I take it really personally that someone would try to take away something that I love so much. Its not about her, I see it as someone trying to take away some of my happiness.

And I know that is not what they are doing, all they are doing is chatting up a pretty girl. And on the surface, thats all it is.

But to me, its personal, its some randomer trying to interfere with my life and it really bothers me.

The more I think about it, the more I realise this has nothing at all to do with my GF.

I will try respond more later, I'm stuck for time at the minute.

p.s. Even in argument, I will not let built-up feelings explode on my GF. I do not feel as if this has consumed me, or become uncontrollable. Like I said before, its just a nagging 2%.

LegacyUser

I had quoted a post from an unregistered poster on page 1 of this thread. My last post looks like a ramble but it was actually a response to his post!

I think that it is perhaps an ego problem. I seem to think 'wow that guy has some cheek trying to take my GF away from me'.

Or something to that effect.

SamuelFox

Man, I know how you feel, I am exactly the same and have been with all my girlfriends. Basically, I have no solution, all I found that helped me to remind myself that she is free to go whenever she wants and the fact that she committed to me above anyone else that’s out there says it all.

The other important thing to remember is that jealously will ruin a relationship. Imagine how your girlfriend would react if you accused her of lying- that’s basically what cheating is. You cannot give her the impression that you don’t trust her, it will ruin everything.