Best Mate and his Missus

tolosenc

Bitta context first. All parties involvedare 19/20. My best mate started going out with a girl last March, as you do. Thing is, a bunch of us (including him) had already decided to do the whole J1 thing from June to September. So he kept faithful for the summer and they resumed when we got back. Since then, other than two occasions where we bumped into them on a night out, he has hung out with us only once.

It's not that anything happened over the summer, I mean, westill see him and have lunch while at college, but come Friday and Saturday, no matter what the plans are, he always spends those nights with her, even missing a session 3 doors down the road to hang out on the other side of the city with her and her mates.

Don't get me wrong, she's lovely, certainly no succubus :P. She's quiet, and never really got to know the other girlfriends/the girls in our group.

The recurring joke is, "Is X coming out tonight?" or "Where's X?" responded to with whipping sounds.

I'm concerned that he seems to be drifting out of our social circle. The few of us that sre in college with him will still be there, but he's fairly distanced from the others. If this relationship doesn't work out, he may find it difficult.

I want to broach this subject with him without coming accross as intrusive or obnoxious.

Any advice?

MagicMarker

It's none of your business, he can spend his time with who he wants, when he wants.

From what you say, you see him all through the week at lunch etc. And at the weekend he wants to be with his girlfriend. I fail to see what the problem with that is?

[Jackass]

Welcome to the world of relationships.

Many a good man has been lost in the never ending battle of the grilfriends. Nothing you can do about it really. You could say it to him in a decent way to make the effort, after all, your his mates, but he's so infatuated with her that he chooses to do this.

I think it happens to everybody at least once, but some never come back. I used to know a guy once who was deadly craic! Always on the beer, was on holidays with him, savage lad and really good mates - never a shortage of laughs with him.

One night we were out and he met a girl, about a year and a half ago. I've seen him twice since. And one was about 2 weeks ago.

shut up!

It happens, and it happens a lot at the ages you guys are.

Ultimately I think someday he'll regret it. But he has to live his life.
He must really like her being celibate for an entire summer on a J1, so maybe he's just in that loved up phase where he doesn't want to leave her.

Wibbs

What the others have said really. I would say the idea of someone being "ost" to the group, is often just down to being happier with the person they're with. The old "lets have the craic" person may have been a phase and this gives them the excuse to leave that behind, or it can be a phase itself when they get too far wrapped up in someone to the detriment of their own growth. Given you say this lassie is sound, I'd say he'll probably start drifting back into nights out with the lads after a while. In any case as has been pointed out he sees you and the rest a fair bit anyway.

Silverfish

obl wrote: »

The recurring joke is, "Is X coming out tonight?" or "Where's X?" responded to with whipping sounds.

To be honest, if my mates started making comments like that about my significant other, I wouldn't want to spend a whole lot of time with them either.

Maybe ease up on the comments and slagging and digs, and they might actually be more willing to spend time around ye.

But to be honest, its his time to spend how he wants, he sees you all week.

tolosenc

[Jackass] wrote: »

that he chooses to do this.

That's what a couple of us aren't so sure about anymore, hence some of the concern. He's not the most, how do I put this, "ballsy" guy, nor is he very well versed with women. He came to a 21st a couple of weeks ago and brought her. He was apologising to her about it the whole night.

Faith

obl wrote: »

That's what a couple of us aren't so sure about anymore, hence some of the concern. He's not the most, how do I put this, "ballsy" guy, nor is he very well versed with women. He came to a 21st a couple of weeks ago and brought her. He was apologising to her about it the whole night.

I was staying with my boyfriend recently and we spent an evening helping his friend (who I'd never met) move into his new house. My boyfriend kept apologising to me about it, but I had absolutely no problem with it. I'd imagine your friend was concerned his girlfriend wasn't enjoying herself, hence why he kept apologising, rather than her trying to stop him going.

Honestly, you just need to realise that you can't see your friends all the time, whenever you want. During uni, I only see my friends every so often. We meet for a coffee every couple of weeks maybe. We all have lives and work to do and different interests and many have boyfriends and girlfriends. Seeing your mate several days a week is actually pretty good going. Stop throwing a strop just because you can't see him whenever YOU want to.

To be honest, this is reading to me like you and your mates have decided you want to see X on demand and he's not adhering to your schedule. So rather than understand that you can't see him all the time, and that he has a life, you're trying instead to retell the story to make his girlfriend out to be a villain who's keeping him away from you. I'm sure you guys probably don't even realise you're doing this. But as people grow up, they generally stop spending all their time with the same small group of people.

iguana

Faith wrote: »

But as people grow up, they generally stop spending all their time with the same small group of people.

QFT, but the good news is that just because you don't see each other as much a good friendship will survive that. I have friends that I used to see everyday in my teens/early 20's. I might only see them every year or so now but we instantly fall back into the same closeness. If he is a good friend that will be true for you too. Though as it is you are seeing him most week days so you don't have to worry about that yet.

Chinafoot

Silverfish wrote: »

To be honest, if my mates started making comments like that about my significant other, I wouldn't want to spend a whole lot of time with them either.

Maybe ease up on the comments and slagging and digs, and they might actually be more willing to spend time around ye.

I read that as X being his mate, not the girlfriend.

However, I do agree that making comments like that isn't going to help the situation. If he knows you think she has him whipped he's not going to be too keen to have her around you. Maybe try asking him to bring her out, make sure the girls in the group make a big effort to get to know her. Slagging him off and making her seem like she has him under the thumb will push them further away.

19/20 is still quite young and it sounds like this is his "first love" so to speak. It can be crappy when you're the friend who feels a bit neglected but I think you need to let him enjoy this honeymoon period. Remember that he was only with her from March to June before he was away from her for 3 months. He's loved up and wants to spend as much time as possible with her.

As the relationship progresses this will more than likely ease off and you'll probably see him a bit more.

niceirishfella

Well, he's a red blooded young man, and maybe the relationship he has and the sex in it is intoxicating.
So, he's leaving his mates out in the cold a bit........I remember doing this myself. Can't blame the guy.

Whispered

Please dont cause trouble over it. When I got with my OH his mates felt the same, and as time wore on he grew aware of it and started feeling like he wasn't welcome when he did call round to them, which only made things worse. I certainly felt like I wasn't welcome and one or two of his mates made sure of it.

They're all back on track now but it made things very very difficult at the start and TBH our memories of the start of our relationship, which should be all happy and exciting is clouded by the fact he felt he had to choose.

The one or two friends who did their best to accept me & our relationship are the ones he is especially close to now.

Friendship, is friendship, no matter what. If he drifts a bit, he will be back once the newness wears off and his relationship finds it's natural pace.

Sir Oxman

iguana wrote: »

QFT, but the good news is that just because you don't see each other as much a good friendship will survive that. I have friends that I used to see everyday in my teens/early 20's. I might only see them every year or so now but we instantly fall back into the same closeness. If he is a good friend that will be true for you too. Though as it is you are seeing him most week days so you don't have to worry about that yet.

Yep, same here.
3 or 4 very good friends of mine I see about 4-5 times a year due to work/other commitments/life/distance and immediately we meet up the bond and closeness is still there. These people are who I consider to be my closest friends even though I don't physically see them a lot, I am good friends with 2 lads I work with and do more socialising with them but the former are closer to me -

We keep in touch by phone and email and text so the OP shouldn't really be worrying too much as he sees his mate regularly.

JayeL

Hanging out with a bunch of friends on a regular basis becomes less desirable as you get older. I don't know why, it just does.

Groups are generally something people cling to in singledom and once you're paired off, your friends become more like people you see now and then than the only thing happening every weekend.

Incidentally, my own opinion on groups of friends is that they work best the less formal they are. Actually referring to your friendships with certain people as "the group" seems a bit too formal, with a hierarchy and "we're all heading out tonight" kinda mentality.

If I thought that any of my friends were resenting me because I'd rather hang out with my OH of an evening, I'd think less of them. So basically, OP, your friend has a girlfriend he obviously loves a lot and he's entitled to hang out with her as much as he wants, just as you'd be if you were seeing someone. If friendships take a back seat or even fall away because of it, well that's life. Welcome to adulthood!