Show-off Friend(s)

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,
I'm a regular poster on Boards - only sometimes on PI though.

I've already made up my mind on this one, and personally I think it's the best decision, but I'm open to criticism (as you have to be when dealing with a personal issue), but it's moreso a story I'd like to share and trash it out with myself first before I make any foot forward decisions.

Throughout primary school, I had a friend who always had the upper hand on me. From the minute we became friends in Junior Infants, he would always have been the boss in the friendship - very bossy and what he said went. And even towards first year, I just put up with it, and whenever I would say it to him, he'd get thick, we'd have a bitch, and then he'd be back bossing me around again within an hour. He was my only friend and I always remained loyal to him.

We were in an organisation together and went to meetings once a week, and there, in front of 30 other people, for an hour and a half, once a week for 4 years straight, I would have had the piss absoloutley ripped out of me. He needed a victim to use while he attempted to flirt with the girls there, while I was constantly been stood on. Thankfully, the girls there always saw through it, and remained nice to me, but it was still embarrassing for me none the less. His dad also went sometimes to the meetings to supervise, and sometimes joined in. Because of that, I suffered major confidence issues, social (friendship) issues and often cried myself to sleep at nighttime. This went on from 4th class right up until 2nd year.

Towards 6th class, whenever we fought, he would go home that evening and I would avoid talking to him for weeks, because I knew he'd be the boss as soon as we'd start talking again. And even if we didn't talk for a while, hid mother would just drive him over to my house, pretend she didn't know, and there'd be a box of sweets under his arm for me and my family - a subtle bribe from the mother.

But towards first year, i copped on a little bit, decided that it was time to cop on, after a shaky start, I began making my own friends in secondary school, and veered away from him a good bit. However, it wasn't until 2nd year, I began stopping him from bossing me around, and indeed it wasn't until about 9 months ago I actually began telling him to F*** off. I'm still friends with him to this day, and thankfully, through a lot of self-education, I have found ways of preventing him bossing me around while still being friendly enough with him.

But then in second year, I became friendly with another lad in the same year as us. After a while of getting to know him, we began to tell each other secrets, and things about our families that were secret. I'll call this guy friend B, and I'll call my primary school Friend A. But anyway, for the first time ever, i actually had a friend that I could trust with a secret and that wouldn't tell his mother everything (Friend A's mother is a well known gossiper, i learnt that through experience). From there, I went to been affiliated to numerous friend circles and over the last two years, my confidence boosted greatly, and while I still have only Friend B as the person I can trust with all my secrets, and another guy I trust the odd time as well, I've got loads of friends, and not one enemy within the whole school.

But in the last month or two, I've began noticing that Friend B is turning into what Friend A was. He constantly will abuse me in front of his friends, and get a good laugh out of it, and doesn't care how I feel really. He's began putting his own interests in showing off to his other friends before how I feel.

When I'm alone with him, he tells me stuff and I listen, but now when i tell him about something, he no longer listens - he turns the subject back into himself, or will just say "yeah", nod his head, walk away. I don't know if he realises he's doing it, but I think he does. And also, he's began sharing my stories that I tell him with his friends when I'm not there.

Also, and he's always done this, and i never really thought about it until tonight, he is constantly using me. He borrows money off me permanently, and is constantly getting me to do stuff for him - I don't know why I agree to do it - but he doesn't take No for an answer, he'll just nag you until you do it.

But yeah, thats the story, it's a slippery slope, and he's going down it with me, and I decided tonight that I just couldn't spend another three years with it. Being in 5th year, I'm not spending it with a guy like him that I don't like/trust anymore.

I'm an independent person, who's very self-sufficient, and perhaps thats my downfall, that people use me and I don't use them, I just do it myself. After all, the only thing I relied on him for was to be a friend who i could trust - nothing else. I'm going to think about it over the weekend, but from Christmas onwards, but I think I'm going to begin removing people like 'Friend' A & B from my life - it's for the best IMO.

Thanks for (scan)reading this, I just had to get it off my chest. I'm open to suggestions/comments/criticisms though, and please be honest with me. If you think I'm being selfish, please say it.. I probably am.

MIN2511

How old are you? I have to say, this is a well written PI.

You know what you want and you are going with your instincts.... No regrets, you should be fine....


All the best!

4zn76tysfajdxp

Unregistered wrote: »

If you think I'm being selfish, please say it.. I probably am.

Nope, you're doing the right thing. Fair play.

LegacyUser

"I'm an independent person, who's very self-sufficient, and perhaps thats my downfall, that people use me "

You are not independent or self-sufficient.

You need to develop your self confidence to a point where you don't let people use you.

cufroige

OP..you're in 5th Year... School Sucks for this kind of thing coz you're limited to your network..

Anyway, you seem to be quite aware of what's going on..You're a sensitive guy, who comes across in your post as very tuned in..

Just understand that you are not responsible for other's shortcomings, continue to be yourself, don't take yourself or others too seriously and if you feel you're being shortchanged by those you trust, then stop trusting them..

There's always a lot more going on with people who seem to 'use' you, try not over analysing their behaviour..don't lower yourself to another level by trying to better it, and don't be afraid to let people down by not always being there either as the good friend or either as the punching bag...You don't have to let anyone down for that matter, you can still be polite & popular while also being unavailable when something/one doesn't suit you

Get use to doing your own thing..Most importantly, Be your good self... Good Luck:cool:

beks101

Sounds a little insensitive OP, but the great thing about friends is that they're not family. You can pick and choose who you want to hang out with and confide in.

Secondary school is a great place to set the standard for any potential friendships you'll develop in the future.

Develop the self confidence to run a mile when you bump into people, such as friend A and friend B, who try to shoot you down. There's better people out there for you.

Firetrap

Good for you, OP. I'm glad to see that you're mature enough to realise what sort of people these friends are and how they're damaging you. You sound like a good person and are worthy of better friends than these. These are all life lessons and if you learn from them, they're a worthwhile exercise.

Friends don't set out to hurt, use or humiliate you. Well done on spotting the trend and doing something about it. I'm sure you've seen threads on PI where people are stuck in relationships/marriages with partners who make them feel about the size of a pea. I know you're only talking here about friends but it more or less amounts to the same thing.

You need to help yourself and build up your self-esteem. In a couple of years time (which seems like such a long way away just now), you'll be finished the goldfish bowl that is school and you'll meet plenty more people to add to your circle.

LegacyUser

OP,

Do what you need to do to be happy!

It's great that you're aware of what's going on for you emotionally, I wish I were as 'tuned in' to myself when I was your age.

It's never selfish to look after yourself. After all, if you're not okay, how can you ever give anything of worth to others?
If we give take care of ourselves, the 'goodness' will overflow in to others around us.

Hope you soon feel better anyway!
-A

Bob the Builder

MIN2511 wrote: »

How old are you? I have to say, this is a well written PI.

You know what you want and you are going with your instincts.... No regrets, you should be fine....

Thank you. (if that gives you any hints ). Well um, I wouldn't say that I know where I'm going, but experience helps

Unregistered wrote: »

You need to develop your self confidence to a point where you don't let people use you.

Indeed. I often feel that way. Especially when it comes to money and peer pressure. I'm terrible at that. thanks for your honesty.

Ben Shaggy Gasket wrote: »

Nope, you're doing the right thing. Fair play.

Thanks Ben Shaggy Gasket.

cufroige wrote: »

OP..you're in 5th Year... School Sucks for this kind of thing coz you're limited to your network..

It sucks for a lot of things, and not only what I've described above. Studying and all that isn't my thing. But yeah, another reason I'm dying to get out of school.

Anyway, you seem to be quite aware of what's going on..You're a sensitive guy, who comes across in your post as very tuned in..

Probably too tuned in, and I have a week off work after Christmas, so If I have enough money, i might f#ck off for a few days with one or two of my other friends.

Just understand that you are not responsible for other's shortcomings, continue to be yourself, don't take yourself or others too seriously and if you feel you're being shortchanged by those you trust, then stop trusting them..

There's always a lot more going on with people who seem to 'use' you, try not over analysing their behaviour..don't lower yourself to another level by trying to better it, and don't be afraid to let people down by not always being there either as the good friend or either as the punching bag...You don't have to let anyone down for that matter, you can still be polite & popular while also being unavailable when something/one doesn't suit you

Get use to doing your own thing..Most importantly, Be your good self... Good Luck:cool:

Thanks very much for your post. I totally agree, and once again, its something I'll have to improve on.

beks101 wrote: »

Sounds a little insensitive OP, but the great thing about friends is that they're not family. You can pick and choose who you want to hang out with and confide in.

I know it does, but to be honest, I've always given my friends more than I've taken. I ask for little more of a friend than loyalty, trust and honesty, and when these barriers are broken, I don't think I can rebuild them. I've always tried the hardest for my friends, even when I needed time to myself, and I often found myself getting extremely stressed over it. After a lot of thought, I've just decided that perhaps, I should save myself the stress, and find something else to focus my energy on.

Secondary school is a great place to set the standard for any potential friendships you'll develop in the future.

Develop the self confidence to run a mile when you bump into people, such as friend A and friend B, who try to shoot you down. There's better people out there for you.

Thats what i'm worried about. If these are the guys I'm going to end up meeting, then I have to learn to create my distance. I'd rather not be the coathanger anymore.

Firetrap wrote: »

...

Thank you Firetrap. Your post was a very good read. And I understand that there's challenges outside of school from the minute I leave.

Unregistered wrote: »

It's great that you're aware of what's going on for you emotionally, I wish I were as 'tuned in' to myself when I was your age.

Trust me, you don't. Being tuned is all about pretending that you're tuned out.

I really just went unregg'd to stop it from appearing in the "Find all Threads started by this user", as I have friends and family that use it, so I'd kinda like to learn all I can from this thread, and then bury it under the carpet and carry on with my life.

Two weeks off, more or less, over christmas, so I'm going to spend it on myself, and probably spend sometime with the family as well who I have neglected for a long time, and try and get along with them all again.

Christmas is going to be crap, but it will hopefully be counteracted by a new and improved new year.
Thanks people. And it's posts like this that make PI so good.