Best Friend's Psycho Girlfriend.

LegacyUser

First off I’d like to admit that there’s two of us here typing this, may come off as your typical rant, but it’s a plea for advice.
Would like to know if people had anything similar that happened in their lives.
Also, gone un reg because my friend in question has been known to view boards.

The entire issue revolves around my friends who we’ll call Paul and Paulina both in their late teens.
Paul and Paulina have been going out for the last two years. In those two years they’ve had what most people who know them call a very bad relationship.
Paulina for lack of better words is a very spoiled, rich kid, drama queen, brat, who constantly starts fights with Paul (and among others) whenever possible over the most trivial things.
Over the 2 years, they’ve broken up countless times (at least once a month). That’s not exactly the problem at hand.
It wasn’t until a couple of months into their relationship that we (Paul’s friends) started noticing that Paulina would not stop making an eejit of Paul.
She constantly makes scenes at parties, blab about their relationship to anyone who’d bother to listen. Making up and breaking up every other day.
There was an incident where Paul and I were in the middle of a packed bus and he burst into tears following an argument they had over the phone.
He didn’t cry about the argument, more so about how he’s sick of her always having to be “right” and have the last say. Making him look like the bad guy in the relationship
And I’ve been told truthfully told by another friend that a similar incident happened to them when they were at a party.
It’s gotten to the stage were if he tells us the reason he’s feeling down is because they “Broke up”
He’d be lucky if any of us reply with “How long for this time?”

I think I should let you know more about Paul and Paulina
Paul in every other walk of life is possibly one of the most laid back individual I know. He’s very intelligent, works hard at college (however it comes easy to him)
And meeting him for the first time you’d realise he’s very humble and a great socialiser. He has all the characteristics I wish I could have!
That being said though, I’ve lost respect for him along the way considering his partner.

Paulina, who our close knit group of friends have come to know over the last two years, think she’s possibly the most irritating person in the world and that’s being polite!
In truth; Paulina is a spoiled, manipulative, hot-tempered, drama-queen. A pathological liar who manages to come up with a new sob story every week (that “explains” her bad personality) be it bring parentally abused, having learning disabilities to somebody stealing her parking space which she manages to make it look like the War on Terrorism itself.
I won’t be bias though. I will admit, she does have some redeeming qualities, she can be a laugh, good sense of humour (sometimes). Sometimes I feel bad because she has it in her head her and I are good friends but in truth, I can’t stand her. (I’ve found of quite recently that I’m not the only one who feels like this towards her, everyone in our group, and even friends of friends can’t stand her)
There was a time when Paulina gave Paul an ultimatum; completely cut off one of his closest friends or their relationship was over for good! So he’s completely cut off the friend “for good.”
Now I don’t know the full story behind why this was done, but he foolishly (in our opinion) made the wrong decision.
I’ll try to end her shortcomings there, as a friends of ours who studies psychology says “She’s your text book attention seeking psycho”

Up until now I’ve put up with it, I figured that it wasn’t any of my business, I trust his choice. But embarrassing the poor guy and beating him into a mindless submission is just not on!
Paul barely resembles our friend anymore, he uses to be happy 24/7 but now he just doesn’t talk, laugh or even smile as much as he use to.
The problem for Paul’s downfall however is Paul himself, on the countless occasions of their break ups, it’s always been him that’s called her and apologised (for bullsiht arguments that Paulina started).
Oh did I mention Paulina has had other guys during one of their 2 day break ups? Yes, guys (plural) which Paulina has put down to “Not cheating, we were broken up!” whilst Paul has only ever been with Paulina.

It’s not just Paul whose relationship is suffering because of Paulina. You see Paul, Paulina and 3 other people live in a house together in Dublin because they all go to college in the city.
One of the 3 people is our friend who we’ll refer to as Mark. I’ll try and make this simple.
Paul, Mark and Mark’s girlfriend “Mary” go to Trinity
Paulina goes to UCD
Mark’s girlfriend doesn’t live in the house, but for the first few weeks of moving in Mark and Mary spent their free time in Mark’s room (as couples do)
Now this turned into a habit, which annoyed Paul and Paulina, Paulina struck a fight with Mary and has banned her from the House.
So now Mark can’t see Mary outside of college has much as he’d like to and Mary has to catch the last Bus Eireann bus home every night.
Aside from that Mark had admitted honestly (to us) that he disliked Paulina since before they all moved in but this pushed him over the Edge, and he leaves the house whenever she’s around which is affecting Paul and Mark’s close friendship. (We have a plan about rectifying this, we just needed to give the example)

As it stands, If they broke up Paulina would have more to lose than Paul. We know it will tear Paul up inside, but honestly we think it’s best for him.
She’s the kind of person who stops talking to people if her ego is in anyway bruised.
How do we get it into his head that this girl is destroying his credibility piece by piece?
Like most people, Paul can’t help who he loves, but how do we remind him that he’s only in his late teens and that there’s plenty of other fish in the sea?
It seems ludicrous but the hatred for this woman spreads far beyond our group of friends. A lot of our parents who’ve met her think she’s just vile!
We’ve all had girlfriends (and boyfriends) who refused to come to parties because they know Paulina would be there. Seems immature but Paulina would start fights with them, like many times before.
How can we cut out Paulina “our friend” without being complete hypocrites?

Nevyn

You can't. You can only shun her yourself. I have seen a family member go throught something like this and one by one she got him to cut of all his friends and some of the family. He has to make the break from her when he has had enough, all you can do is
refuse to deal with her and support him as much as you can with out being critical which I know is damn hard.

Silverfish

Thats quite a lot of psycho for one person.

Unfortunately, he's at an age where his heart will rule his head, and there won't be anything you can do to persuade him otherwise when he 'loves' her.

He can only learn from his own mistakes, and people will only act on what they see themselves, not what others tell them they see.

He will learn with experience in due course that this is not how relationships go, and he will hopefully want to get away from this. In the meantime, if you force his hand, he will end up resenting you, and at the moment, he's likely to choose her over you.

All you can do is be there for him as a mate, and especially when it all does eventually go tits up.

Poor guy.

uberwolf

If she can create ultimatums, so can you, collectively.

Politely, decline to attend or associate with her. in every circumstance. You don't have to put with someone. All of you or her kinda of a decision for him.

MagicMarker

Send Paul a link to this thread. It may be the wake up call he needs.

Beruthiel

uberwolf wrote: »

If she can create ultimatums, so can you, collectively.

Politely, decline to attend or associate with her. in every circumstance. You don't have to put with someone. All of you or her kinda of a decision for him.

Agreed. And tell Paul why. Also tell him that you think he's a great friend and that you are there for him, but never again for her.

Bottle_of_Smoke

have you ever talked to her about how horrible she is to Paul? If she considers you a close friend she might discuss it. If anything it might shock her to think other people realise how much of a bitch she is.

LegacyUser

Sorry for late reply, been busy with last minute college stuff.

So great replies from people thank you very much.
I guess you're all right.
The only way to get over this is to beat her at her own game (in a maturely fashion)


some interesting points I'd like to address;

have you ever talked to her about how horrible she is to Paul?

oh he's fully aware how horrible she is, but he'll never address it because he's too passive, she will find a way to turn it around onto him. and like Silverfish said "he's at an age where his heart will rule his head"
Our friend danced around the topic but Paul instantly (and angrily) withdrew and him to stop sticking his nose where it didn't belong!
(a clear indicator that he will resent us if we try and interfere)

Also tell him that you think he's a great friend and that you are there for him, but never again for her.

Agreed, hopefully he'll eventually see that he stands to lose more than he realises, should he not wise up.

better to be mature than to take drastic measures with unforeseeable outcomes.
Thanks once again people, you've steered us in the right direction!

mizzoni

youre friend has been robbed of his manhood! how in the f*ck can a guy put up with that ****,no matter how laid back he is.I was similar to him,passive,non argumental,non confrontational,nice guy syndrome, and i paid the price for it because the ex had someone lined up after i got the "you're a lovely fella but I think I want to be on my own for a while..." phone call!
buddy you need to slap the **** out of him and make him stand on his own two feet like a man and put that b*tch in her place.if i knew where he lived I'd do it because no lad should have to put up with that sh*it

Silverfish

mizzoni wrote: »

youre friend has been robbed of his manhood! how in the f*ck can a guy put up with that ****,no matter how laid back he is.I was similar to him,passive,non argumental,non confrontational,nice guy syndrome, and i paid the price for it because the ex had someone lined up after i got the "you're a lovely fella but I think I want to be on my own for a while..." phone call!
buddy you need to slap the **** out of him and make him stand on his own two feet like a man and put that b*tch in her place.if i knew where he lived I'd do it because no lad should have to put up with that sh*it

Did your friends do that for you, or did you learn for yourself?

I don't think hes going to listen to what his friends say, I think he'll just end up cutting them out until he learns what she's like for himself.

Also, advocating violence on this forum will earn you a ban.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately you can't interfere in other people's relationships as a general rule. It doesn't go down well. All you can hope is that some day the light bulb will go on and he'll realise that she's posionous.
Actually the likelihood is more that she'll be throwing a tantrum some day and he'll just suddenly realise that he's sick of listening to her crap...and that will be the start of the slippery slope out of the relationship.
Anyway there's nothing hypocritical about cutting a friendship with someone who you dislike and don't want to be around. You've known her long enough now to have made that decision based on lots of experience of what she's like as a person. And she just isn't the kind of person you want to know, which is okay.Dont' feel guilty about that, because f.
if she made that decision about you, she wouldn't feel guilty about it. How you go about doing it is up to you, but don't lower yourself to her level. The only thing to be a bit worried about is where Paul is left in that situation. Does he eventually end up with no friends as a result.All you can do is try and avoid and don't engage with her as much as possible, but try and support him. It's a tough situation.

SpookyDoll

Paul has only ever been with Paulina

Theres the problem right there, he doesn't know any better.

It is excruciating to see a good person getting tooled around by a manipulative little c0w like her but he will only cop on in his own good time.

Ye can only vote with your feet and ignore her as Paul will resent any attempt at interference.

Very frustrating and sad but not a whole lot you can do.

Wagon

Floom wrote: »

Our friend danced around the topic but Paul instantly (and angrily) withdrew and him to stop sticking his nose where it didn't belong!
(a clear indicator that he will resent us if we try and interfere)

Well then, he needs a kick up the brown alley, and seeing as how the only person he'll listen to is Paula, then she'll be the one to do it and I can gaurentee you it's going to be in a pretty horrible way. And be there for him when it happens cos he'll feel like a real bastard for treating his friends like crap and the best thing you can do is give him a shoulder to lean on and a pint on the table in front of him. He'll get over her and be back to his old self. but give it time. Sorry to hear this has happened by the way.

Trinity

Never come between an onion and its skin cos all your left with is the smell.

I'm sorry i dont have an answer for you but i just want to point out something. You will most likely lose Paul as a friend.

I have seen it so many times. He will chose her over you and she will make him chose when she gets wind of whats going on.

Just bear that in mind.

DOnt assume that he will just accept it and socialise with you only. SHe will have a say and ultimately have the last word. He will most likely be offended and hurt that you dont like his partner. He will blame you for this, at find you at fault for not accepting his choice of partner, particularly if he does love her.

you will be the bad guy.
He'll wake up in a few years and be sorry but for the moment he will have to live with this ****e if he wont listen to anyone.

RedXIV

uberwolf wrote: »

If she can create ultimatums, so can you, collectively.

Politely, decline to attend or associate with her. in every circumstance. You don't have to put with someone. All of you or her kinda of a decision for him.

By far the best advice here. As long as he doesn't think you're shunning him, he'll begin to learn this the hard way. Its a long a horrible road to follow and it doesn't guarantee any result but it's by far your best option

Lollipops23

sorry, she banned the girl from the house???who the flaming hell does she think she is?"Mark" can have whoever the hell he wants in the home he is paying rent for!!

TBH until he realises the extent of the crap they've both put you through there's no real talking to him, so far it appears he's choosing her. It seems abusive realtionships can work both ways, so just try and be there for him til he cops himself on (and he will do eventually)

yellowcurl

I have to say i feel sorry for the friend Mark. Imagine not being able to have your girlfriend over to the place where you live.

But then again, why on earth don't they just ignore her and let Mary keep coming over???

It seems like they're all a bit passive in that house towards Paulina...

Me to you

Wow thats way too long to read - short and sweet my friend...;)

Wibbs

Me to you please read the charter of this forum. Off topic unhelpful responses are naturally frowned upon. Thanks.

LegacyUser

i really can't belive this my fiance is the friend who his friend has to cut all ties with!! its very hard to sit back and watch and hope he wakes up!!!

yellowcurl

Unregistered wrote: »

i really can't belive this my fiance is the friend who his friend has to cut all ties with!! its very hard to sit back and watch and hope he wakes up!!!

Ok, that was a bit confusing, are you "Paul" or "Paulina"?? Or neither? Sorry

giggsy664

In the ultimatum, Paulina forced Paul to shun "Unregistered's Fiancé". "Unregestered" is neither Paul, nor Paulina