Diagnosed at having demented in 20 minutes

LegacyUser

This is going to be a long one, but I'll try to stick to the facts..

My parents are over for Christmas from abroad.
For the last 2-3 years my father has been trying to convince my mother and the rest of use that my mother is mentally ill. he has gone so far as to alienate himself from nearly every person, family or not, that he knows. He has been over heard by members of the family, including my wife, threatening my mother with getting a doctor to commit her to a home.
Needless to say, this is starting to take it's toll on my mother, to the point where when they are back at home, she stays in a separate room and closes the door, so she will not have to be with him.
Regardless of the fact that my sister and myself have told her he cannot do this as the Doctor will have to give her a thorough examination it still gets to her. I have told her more than once in the last year, that if she can't stand being anywhere near him she will have to divorce him. On more than one occasion she has broken down and said she can't handle it anymore and wants to leave him.

Today, everything came to a head. Nice, just before Christmas. I have been very aware that my father has been telling lies and he always denies it. Earlier today he got my wife to arrange an interview for him at the doctor, she seems to have become an alibi of his, even though she was one of the people that over heard him saying threatening things to her. As I drop him off, my wife asks if my mother is going as well. Mum says she wasn't and straight away my father replied, "of course she is, it's the whole reason why we're going". As soon as I heard this I suspected something was up, but I also mentioned to my wife the previous day, that he wanted to see the doctor for no other reason to talk to him about mum. He confirmed today that there was nothing wrong with him and that he just wanted to talk to the doctor about a few things.

Anyway, the phone goes and my wife said that they're ready to be picked up, I know that if when I picked them up that mum would be in a state and dad would have been doing most of the talking. According to him, and this was the first thing he mentioned when he got in the car, that the doctor had given my mother a 20 minute test and confirmed that she had dementure. This sounded like complete and utter bollocks to me and I told him that.

Earlier in the year I had arranged social workers to speak to my mother. They visited their house a while again and had an extensive chat with my mother, on her own, without dad there, much to his annoyance. They reported to me a couple of weeks later and categorically stated that my mother, although getting old, suffered nothing more than a bit of memory loss that they saw as just general deterioration for some people at that age.

I also arranged an interview for my father. The results of this interview had two different out comes of course, depending on who I was talking to. First I was told by my father that the person he had the interview with suggested that "she needed to see a shrink". I conveyed that communication to the person who interviewed him and he told me, in his report, that he was somewhat confused that the conclusion my father came to after a 40 minute interview with him was "she needed to see a shrink" and basically confirmed there were problems which my father seemed to making a meal of, that should be sorted by a marriage guidance counsellor. I mentioned this to my father and he said that bloke he spoke to didn't know is arse from his elbow.

All in all, today I told my father to his face that he was a lying trouble maker and that my mother should divorce him.

The big problem is that my mother probably will not take that first step and contact a solicitor. There is no way that this is going to get fixed and I fear she will end up a complete and utter wreck.

I am keeping my temper under control, just and have done for a while, but I feel that it will unleash it's self soon if he tries any more of this. At the moment, he is chatting to the kids as though nothing has happened. I staying off the drink until he goes to bed because I know that won't help.

I know again tomorrow that he will say something, probably to my mother that will set it all off again.

I'm not sure if there is anything else I can do. Should I contact a solicitor and ask him to contact my mother?

I was gong to try and arrange a counselling session for when they return home, but I really know that it's to late for that. My mother hates my father, understandably and my father is trying to wind her up so as she gets committed and can't divorce him, so as not to lose all his precious facking money.

I have sort off had enough of this myself, but I can't stand by and watch him ruin my mother.

Beruthiel

Wow. You're Da sounds like the one who should be committed.
You don't mention their ages, but if they are into their seventies then the chances of one of them divorcing the other is slim.
Can she not just move out on him? Is there anywhere she can stay?
Would she have the funds to live on her own?
There have to be other options open to her. Start by asking the social worker.
Your mother needs to want to do this though before anything will happen.

MagicMarker

My god! It sounds like war of the friggin roses!

Why won't your mother leave him?

It's a tough situation but you really can't do anything, your mother has to make the decision to leave, all you can do is try and persuade her. Would you let her stay with you? Tell your dad to leave and she'll stay put?

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Wow. You're Da sounds like the one who should be committed.
You don't mention their ages, but if they are into their seventies then the chances of one of them divorcing the other is slim.
Can she not just move out on him? Is there anywhere she can stay?
Would she have the funds to live on her own?
There have to be other options open to her. Start by asking the social worker.
Your mother needs to want to do this though before anything will happen.

Ages, both 73.
If she moves out, she won't have much as he controls the finances. She has become reliant on that.
She just wants to get away from him, but unfortunately where they live there is no family. They are all in different countries.
She does want to do it, well she gets along fine, as long as he leaves her alone.

It's a real problem as we are not close enough to be very helpful and where they live, although a good English speaking country, they don't cater for thing as well as the Irish/UK systems.

My sister will be coming over on New Years Day. This is really the time to get it sorted, but I know as soon as they go back, it'll all go back to square one.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

My god! It sounds like war of the friggin roses!

Why won't your mother leave him?

It's a tough situation but you really can't do anything, your mother has to make the decision to leave, all you can do is try and persuade her. Would you let her stay with you? Tell your dad to leave and she'll stay put?

I suppose she's scared.

I know she needs to make the move. Hopefully my sister will be able lend some more support and we will get her to do something.

I really don;t want him to get away with this. I've seen how he treats her when I'm around, I can only imagine what it's like when I'm not there and she's phoning me in tears and hard;y able to string a sentence together. Staying with him IS driving her mad.

Beruthiel

qwerty uiop wrote: »

Ages, both 73.
If she moves out, she won't have much as he controls the finances. She has become reliant on that.

She is entitled to half of whatever they have. If she is as with it as my 70 year old parents, then she will be well able to sort this out.
I suggest a solicitor to help her with that.

My sister will be coming over on New Years Day. This is really the time to get it sorted, but I know as soon as they go back, it'll all go back to square one.

Try and sit down and get this sorted before ye all go back to your homes.
Again, your Ma needs to be in on the discussion so she can say what it is she wants to do exactly.
Get in contact with the social worker tomorrow for suggestions and options.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

She is entitled to half of whatever they have. If she is as with it as my 70 year old parents, then she will be well able to sort this out.
I suggest a solicitor to help her with that.



Try and sit down and get this sorted before ye all go back to your homes.
Again, your Ma needs to be in on the discussion so she can say what it is she wants to do exactly.
Get in contact with the social worker tomorrow for suggestions and options.

They may well be able to sort it out, but she will continue to suffer while being with him. I don't think you realise what a nasty piece of work he is. I spoke to my mothers brother about this and he confirmed something that dad had been saying about their family which was not nice, but he brings up on occasions in front of my mother. He says that they all suffer from mental problems and don't know their arses from their elbows. Her brother had to muster up all of his strength not to clobber him one, but did say to me that if he dared to open his mouth about it again he will not be responsible for his actions.

I have come to the conclusion finally, I was trying to deny it myself, that he is the most horrible person I know or have ever met. And the add annoyance is, he thinks that every he is does is above reproach. He IS right about everything. I don't think he has any real friends any more, they have obviously seen a little glimpse of what he's like.

I am gutted.

Beruthiel

qwerty uiop wrote: »

I don't think you realise what a nasty piece of work he is.

I have no experience of a parent behaving in such a matter. But I can understand the strain it is putting on everyone.
I also do not think I could stand by and not talk my mother into doing something for herself and her remaining years.
I do not believe it is ever too late to change your life or what you do with it. My own parents have taught me that with the stuff they have been doing in the last few years.
All she needs is the will and the support of her family.
Something can be worked out for her, you guys just need to put your heads together and get the best advice available.

I was trying to deny it myself, that he is the most horrible person I know or have ever met.

It is not an easy thing to admit a parent is someone you despise. You had no choice in this.

I don't think he has any real friends any more, they have obviously seen a little glimpse of what he's like.

He has chosen his own life and how he wishes to treat others. He has brought this on himself. You reap what you sow.
This is not easy for you, but if you can do anything for your mother then you will feel a bit better about the whole situation.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

I have no experience of a parent behaving in such a matter. But I can understand the strain it is putting on everyone.
I also do not think I could stand by and not talk my mother into doing something for herself and her remaining years.
I do not believe it is ever too late to change your life or what you do with it. My own parents have taught me that with the stuff they have been doing in the last few years.
All she needs is the will and the support of her family.
Something can be worked out for her, you guys just need to put your heads together and get the best advice available.

I have been telling her to do something about it for a year. Apparentlymy sister has been telling her for a lot longer. We are still trying. I'm convinced that he is scared of losing half of his money, which is why he is trying to drive her mad. He has always been very protective of it. So much that it's made him a complete and utter pratt.

Beruthiel wrote:

It is not an easy thing to admit a parent is someone you despise. You had no choice in this.

It's even worse. I'm dreading that fact that he'll probably live until he's in his hundreds.

Beruthiel wrote:

He has chosen his own life and how he wishes to treat others. He has brought this on himself. You reap what you sow.
This is not easy for you, but if you can do anything for your mother then you will feel a bit better about the whole situation.

She won't help herself though, she hasn't got the confidence. But we will keep trying.

I think I have vented my anger enough. Many thanks for listening and give your views. I'm sure there'll be more on the topic later.
Now, I'm just waiting for him to go to bed, he's normally gone by now!!! Then I'll have a stiff Jameson or something.

Thanks.

Move your mother out of that situation immediately and I mean immediately.
Your father is not right in the head.
I presume your other sibblings are all aware of this so you have them for support.
You've only one mother and she doesn't deserve this.

Take charge and take action.

As regards your father,I'll guess he wont know whats going on.
Theres a good chance he's so not right in the head that he's convinced that all the things he's been saying are true.
Thats an illness he has and funnilly enough he can function quite normally otherwise despite this.

Once you have your mother out of that situation,you can deal with your father-he needs attention too regardless of what you rightly think of his carry on.

Now Get to it!! please

mayordenis

can you get your mom to come home and start legal proceedings from here?

sam34

qwerty uiop wrote: »

Earlier in the year I had arranged social workers to speak to my mother. They visited their house a while again and had an extensive chat with my mother, on her own, without dad there, much to his annoyance. They reported to me a couple of weeks later and categorically stated that my mother, although getting old, suffered nothing more than a bit of memory loss that they saw as just general deterioration for some people at that age.

op - i sympathise with you as it sounds like a horrendous situation.

however, i am quite concerned at the above paragraph.

social workers are not doctors.

they are not trained or qualified to make a diagnosis of dementia, nor to exclude it.

your gp should have also been a bit more thorough than just spending 20 mins with your mother.

perhaps you should speak to your gp alone, and arrange for him to see your mother without your father present.

Esel

It might help other posters to advise you if you tell us in what country your parents live. I would think she could possibly get a court order removing him from the family home for mental cruelty.

Dr. Loon

sam34 wrote: »

op - i sympathise with you as it sounds like a horrendous situation.

however, i am quite concerned at the above paragraph.

social workers are not doctors.

they are not trained or qualified to make a diagnosis of dementia, nor to exclude it.

your gp should have also been a bit more thorough than just spending 20 mins with your mother.

perhaps you should speak to your gp alone, and arrange for him to see your mother without your father present.

Amazingly, the first sensible post! Are you sure OP that your Mother is okay? Am I detecting this unrequitable love for the Mother thing here? I'm not trying to stir ****, just putting it out there. Something doesn't sound quite right to me, and I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but if you're wrong, then things are ****ed!

I say this from experience. Don't be blinded by weakness.

Carrigart Exile

Could you not offer your mother a two week break from your dad staying with you. During that time your dad and mum can have some thinking time; and you can see for yourself if your mum's mental faculties have gone.

LegacyUser

I know that my mother is getting old and gets her words mixed up and forgets things. My father also forgets things, but not as much as my mum. This appears to be a case of old age to me, but because my father is more savvy he seems to be handling it a bit better. My mother unfortunately hasn't really got a clue, but that has been the case for a long time and nothing new.

They live abroad, no family or friends within around 1500 miles. While I was last out there I tried to get mum to see a psychiatrist so as to get confirmation of whether there was a real problem or not. The social workers made it clear that they do NOT HAVE the professional qualifications to make any assessment other than whether they think someone has just general marriage problems or they should see someone of a more professional nature.

Things are complicated because although the rest of the family think they will be better if the divorce, my father clearly doesn't want this as he will probably lose half of everything he has made in his life and believe me he is obsessed with money. The arguments in our family about money has been unforgettable. I remember seeing my mother in a really state last time we visited, because she had the air conditioning, but dad was due home and she couldn't find the remote to turn it off.

This morning my father started trying to prove that she was losing it by asking her all sorts of questions about things that had happened, I just asked him what he was trying to prove and he said "that your mother is losing it". I told him to stop and didn't want to hear another word from him about it.

We phoned the Doctor a while ago and are waiting for him to get back to us. I want confirmation of what my father says is true or not. We will also make an appointment to see him, my mother, sister and myself and we'll have a chat to see what he suggests. I do not believe anything my father says anymore.

Updates will follow.

It's great that I can get this off my chest on boards and really appreciate people listening.

SpookyDoll

Yes, only a geriatrician can properly diagnose dementia.

What your father is doing to your Mother is elder abuse. It does sound that she has lost her confidence altogether. He sounds like he has her brainwashed to believe she cant get along financially without him, despite the fact that she would actually be better off.

I dont think talking about divorce is a realistic option at their age. Firstly it would require your Mother to be proactive but she sounds passive, fearful and accepting.

I dont like the sounds of the situation where your father is going in and painting an inaccurate picture of your Mam to the GP. Is your Mother totally in your fathers thrall?

For example if you the children all got together and said "Mam, we think you should change GP and stop letting Da go in with you" -would she co-operate?

Also, can anyone face him down and let him know that ye are aware what he's up to and are not going to stand for it.

Is your Mothers name on the house deeds?

I really think your mother for a start needs to change GP's and you children need to start interfering a lot more and do everything you can to sabotage his plan.

sam34

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Yes, only a geriatrician can properly diagnose dementia.

well, GPs can diagnose it, but it takes more than 20 mins!
However, most gps will refer patients to psychiatrists and/or geriatricians.

paperclip2

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry for your mum. It sounds horrific for her. But at least she has her children in her corner.

My grandmother had a dementia (Alzheimers). This link might give you an idea of the process of diagnosis, it does take much more than a 20 minute session with a GP.
http://www.alzheimer.ie/eng/Alzheimer-Dementia/Dementia-and-Alzheimer's-disease/Diagnosing-Dementia

Best of luck OP, I really hope things improve for your mother.

BroomBurner

mayordenis wrote: »

can you get your mom to come home and start legal proceedings from here?

I completely agree with bringing your mam home. Even if she doesn't want to start divorce proceedings.

If the tables were turned, you can bet anything she would just take you out of the situation straight away and back to somewhere you felt safe and comfortable. Do the same for your mother. I'm surprised none of you have just considered booking her a flight home. It would be the first thing I'd have done. Even under the guise of a holiday.

Carrigart Exile

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Yes, only a geriatrician can properly diagnose dementia.

What your father is doing to your Mother is elder abuse. It does sound that she has lost her confidence altogether. He sounds like he has her brainwashed to believe she cant get along financially without him, despite the fact that she would actually be better off.

I dont think talking about divorce is a realistic option at their age. Firstly it would require your Mother to be proactive but she sounds passive, fearful and accepting.

I dont like the sounds of the situation where your father is going in and painting an inaccurate picture of your Mam to the GP. Is your Mother totally in your fathers thrall?

For example if you the children all got together and said "Mam, we think you should change GP and stop letting Da go in with you" -would she co-operate?

Also, can anyone face him down and let him know that ye are aware what he's up to and are not going to stand for it.

Is your Mothers name on the house deeds?

I really think your mother for a start needs to change GP's and you children need to start interfering a lot more and do everything you can to sabotage his plan.

The trouble is you do not know if the dad is indeed painting an accurate or an inaccurate picture; yet you assume dad's at some cunning plan. He might just be at the end of his tether. Let the OP take mum for a couple of weeks away from the hassle and see what mum is all about. Clearly if the OP is talking about involving doctors she also has some concerns.

sam34

qwerty uiop wrote: »

Earlier in the year I had arranged social workers to speak to my mother.
They reported to me a couple of weeks later and categorically stated that my mother, although getting old, suffered nothing more than a bit of memory loss that they saw as just general deterioration for some people at that age.

qwerty uiop wrote: »

The social workers made it clear that they do NOT HAVE the professional qualifications to make any assessment other than whether they think someone has just general marriage problems or they should see someone of a more professional nature.

op, the above quotes contradict each other. how can the social workers have "categorically" told you there was nothing other than normal ageing wrong with your mother, and yet have made it clear that they're not qualified to make that assessment?

Carrigart Exile

sam34 wrote: »

qwerty uiop wrote: »

Earlier in the year I had arranged social workers to speak to my mother.
They reported to me a couple of weeks later and categorically stated that my mother, although getting old, suffered nothing more than a bit of memory loss that they saw as just general deterioration for some people at that age.

qwerty uiop wrote: »

The social workers made it clear that they do NOT HAVE the professional qualifications to make any assessment other than whether they think someone has just general marriage problems or they should see someone of a more professional nature.

op, the above quotes contradict each other. how can the social workers have "categorically" told you there was nothing other than normal ageing wrong with your mother, and yet have made it clear that they're not qualified to make that assessment?

That's my point Sam, it looks like dad's copping it for voicing what the family might not want to hear

Poutbutton

What a sad & frustrating situation. Sounds like they have both had enough of each other but your Dad is being so unfair. Yet, in his mind he may actually believe she is loosing it due to her reactin to his bullying. I've known of older couples having gone through this and the 1 satisfactory outcome was a couple who went to a solicitor & were referred to a family mediator (it's law that the solicitor offers this service before going ahead with proceedings) They came to an agreement without going to court due to seeing the mediator, both had the luxury of being able to buy new homes but in the end the male died within a year of living apart from the wife....
But you must move quickly on this as she is probably depressed & could become worse in a short time if she is not supported now.
Whether your Mum has mental health issues or not, she has a right to protection as his wife and at 73, I could see them getting no less than equal division of the finances/property from the marriage. The best outcome is to settle finances, pensions, domicilliary & medical care and simply separate. I would advise you to offer your Mum a tempoary home with you so she can recover emotionally & then apply in Ireland for a judicial separation or divorce. Many "grumpy old men" use the mental health issue to get out of responsibilities and pass the blame of the breakdown of the marriage, take your Mum to a specialist which YOUR own doctor can refer you to, she can be properly diagnosed and then you can make the next move. Contact your social services dept and enquire about accommodation for your Mum should she be eligible.
For the time being you can only ask them to be civil while in your home for Christmas, I hope you get through it & best of luck with the whole situation.

Firetrap

OP, before you do anything else, you should have your mother assessed properly. Not by social workers but by doctors. Once you have all the facts, you can take things from there. I don't know but perhaps you're in denial...I'm not knocking you for that by the way. It's a horrible place you're in at the moment.

LegacyUser

Just had a bit of an episode.

Since my mother has been taking the new tablets, which father got from the doctor when he took her there, she was fine for a couple of days and then for the last fed days has been really strange. Stranger than I have ever seen her, strange as in so far as not knowing who my father was. So strange that my wife had to let the room when alone with her as she was getting scared. My mother has been bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, for no reason at all.

My mother suggested to night that she would like to stop taking the tables as doesn't like what they are doing to her. I agreed as did my wife and then my dad piped up and said that she wasn't taking the new ones yet, at which point I reminded him that I heard him telling her to take these tablets once a day after back from the doctor, called him a lying bastard and left the room.

This man is such a lair, he has been moving things about, which I knew he was doing before. He removed keys from bathroom and toilet doors and put them under our young sons pillow. Our sons don't do this. He said it must have been mother. Lying facker.

He is the one that needs to see a psychologist. He was crawling under my computer desk to plug in an electric tooth brush. He facked up my modem and printer when doing this. I pointed out to him that the was a free socket on the other wall which was easier to use, he said he knew about that, but didn't want to mess about with it.

The bloke is just plain facking weird!

Jammyc

wow..
quite an event
Has your mother been asessed by doctors since the last time this was discussed on boards?
If not you should really get round to it.
All ye really need is an unbiased, professioinal opinion.

sin mar ata

Write everthing down in a letter to your father. Spell out the damage he is doing. Your sister and even your mother could contribute. Being a man I know we men can be stubborn and blind to the truth at times. It takes somebody else to tell it like it is. A letter is not someone else but it is formal and it might just strike a few cords in your father. What ever mental state your mam is in your dad is a damaging influence on everybody. A letter might just emphasise to your dad the damage he is doing. You can say things you can't or don't say face to face. He has to read the letter on his own and he can't anwser back or walk away.

Hope this helps.

Steve.Pseudonym

Google the pills, find out what they are, what they treat and side effects. Go to your GP and explain the situation with regard to your mother, ask for a referral for your mother to go to see an geriatrician, say they you'll pay for a private consultation and you just need the referral. Get your mother to go with you, not your father. Make sure that you're in the room with her when everything happens, and see what the specialist has to say. Do this immediately.

This way you'll know exactly how everything stands, you have to get your ducks in a row before you can do anything more. If she doesn't have the impairments that your father is claiming, then you can go about finding out what the story is with that. For all you know he's developing some sort of condition himself, he may well believe what he's saying, it sounds like paranoia to me. If it's not the case that your mother has dementia, or that your father has lost it himself, what reason is there that he's doing this to your mother? I can't understand it.

McGinty

Hi Op

I am sorry about what is happening between your parents, and the next thing I might say will be considered shocking, now I am only basing this judgement on the context of your posts and it is something for you to mull over. If your father is trying to undermine and drive your mother mad through lying and scapegoating behaviour then his actions are cruel and evil. He is acting in an evil fashion. At the same time your mother is feeding this by being so utterly passive. You need to ask has she always been this passive, has your father had to care for her all of his life and is using a horrible way to rid himself of that burden. What screams at me from your thread is the level of dysfunction and horror that is occuring between your parents, and it is something I clearly recognise as I had observed dysfunctional behaviour from my own parents. When I read your threads the situation sounds hopeless because you have a lunatic dad who is intent on saving money at all costs, he is bullying your mother and all of this is having a huge affect on you. Your mother is so passive it is scary, reread your posts and look at how you talk about her, she does not sound like a person but someone who needs caring, minding or looking after, who is discussed about but has no self agency. Was your parents relationship always like this or is this fairly recent? Have you considered that you can do nothing about this and that you may have to step back for your own health? What is the effect of all this trauma having on your wife, your children and your relationship between all of them. Whilst we all should care and look out for our parents (if they deserve it) you have a duty to yourself first. If their behaviour (and op there are two of them in this - your mother may appear to be the victim but she is doing **** all to help it and is looking for you to carry her and baby her) is having a detrimental affect on your mental health, you may have to step away from the situation. It is a terrible feeling to realise one or both of your parents are awful people, it is horrible and I can truly empathise, it takes a long time to come to terms with that, but you might have to get ruthless Op and put yourself and your family first and let them get on with it, because right now all your posts tell us what is wrong but there seems to be solution, just a series of obstacles due to distance, or the system, etc.

LegacyUser

Hi qwerty uiop,
I know someone who had the very same thing happen to their mother.
You and your sis need to keep being firm on this. What the man is doing is trying to not accept responsility for the marriage breakdown. He is abusing his wife in this way.
Tell him you are her next of kin. As far as I know she can legally remove him as her next of kin. She needs to get a solicitor, maybe you could set it up and go with her? They should be able to advise her on the money,pensions etc. The abuse needs to be logged, women's Aid can advise on this. She needs to protect her assets and if the abuse is logged then she can leave the family home and still have rights to it. Women's Aid helped me as I was mentally abused in very long marriage. She does not have to put up with it, but she does need a solicitor ASAP.

LegacyUser

Just to reconfirm. My wife has arranged on my request an appointment with the same doctor that my father took her to see.

I have mentioned to my mother on a few occasions, normally when she starts talking leaving him, that the best way to do it would be via a solicitor. I mentioned it again today but she is unsure. I think it will hit home more when my sister arrives tomorrow.

There was another incident a little while ago, nothing that was made a big deal out of, but I generally keep an eye on things out of the corner of my eye and while I was browsing on the laptop I could see my father whispering something to my eldest 6 year old son. A minute later, while I was still on the laptop, I saw my son go over to my mother and was just about to whisper something in her. I stopped him, without a lot of fuss and left it there.

A little while later it was shower time for the boys. I took them up and while the youngest was in the en-suite shower, I quickly popped into the bedroom and asked my 6 year old what granddad had asked him to say to granny. He got a bit embarrassed and said that it was nothing, but I know he was trying to hid something. I then said granddad did ask you to say something to granny didn't he? He said yes but he wouldn't tell me what it was. I asked him what granddad said he would do if he found out that he told me? He said he wouldn't give me any more sweets or surprises. :mad:

Also today he was caught trying to confuse my mother by my wife. I had a suspicion he was doing this sort of thing. They had come home with a bit of shopping and dad went straight up stairs with the stuff. My mother went upstairs for a quick rest so she would be fine for midnight. She came down a few minutes later to ask dad where the things were. He said that he put some of them on the window sill and also a couple of things on the floor near the bed. My mother went back up and was back down after a few minutes. She went straight to my wife who went up to help her find them. After a while they came down. I discreetly asked my wife in the kitchen where she found them and she didn't find them on the window sill or next to the bed but in his draw next to the bed. He then tried to take my mother up stairs to look for them, but she told him that my wife had helped her and they found them and it was left at that.

The main problem I have in general, is being able to prove these things should I be required to do so.

I am so glad that my wife discovered the things n his draw as she also heard him say that some where on the window sill. She was doubt me a bit when I told her that I was fairly certain that he was deliberately trying to confuse her.

I'll not bring anything up tonight for obvious reasons.

Happy New Year.

LegacyUser

Sorry. That was me in the last post /\.

comongethappy

Hi Op,

I'm so sorry to hear what your family is going through. It sounds as if your father is mentally abusing your mother, to what end I don't know.

My grandmother is starting to suffer from dementia, but it's not just a simple "misplacing" things, or forgeting where something it put. She has become paranoid and said that different neighbours are breaking in, stealing things, or moving things around, or putting things into her house that weren't their before. It's very sad and heartbreaking to see. She's physically very well, and always had a sharp mind before. However, your mother doesn't sound as if she's in a state like this.

Try to get more involved in the medical side of things, perhaps, as another poster suggested, ask her to contact Women's Aid and have a chat to them. It may be just hearing it from a professional that helps her to take a bit more control in her life. Best of luck.

Esel

It might be a good idea to make notes about any incidents like you just described. They could prove very useful either to assist your mother if she decides to take legal action or to help you marshal your thoughts before you confront your father about the underhand things he has done. Obviously, if you do confront him, you don't have to let him know that you have notes (and I would advise that you take care that he does not become aware that you have). You could just jot them all down as bullet points on a page, which would look like you had composed it from memory. You would have the detail in your head if your father denies anything. Probably best not to let your mother know about the notes either, in case she lets the cat out of the bag!

I also feel that your mother should get a second opinion from another doctor, one with no connection to her husband. Even though doctors are supposed to always look after the best interests of their patients, this might not be the case with the current doctor, especially if s/he is either friendly with her husband, or even if his/her judgement has been influenced by stories related by her husband.

It is great that your wife now has first-hand knowledge of what he does, and I think it is despicable that he tried to get your young son involved in his mean and nasty scheme. That is very low.

Talliesin

Keep a record of all incidents.

Make sure your mum sees her GP regularly and not in the company of your father.

Tell both your mum and your dad that a single GP can't have someone committed.

Threaten the little bollix with having him committed!

LegacyUser

Still my father is trying to convince others that my mother has Alzheimer's.

Today I left home to collect my sister and her two sons from Dublin airport.
My wifes mother and father arrived about half n hour before I left and all seemed fine on my departure. I left on my own and my mother, father and my wife with her mother and father were all in the lounge chatting.
I rang my wife from the airport as we were leaving to come home. She had gone to the hotel that her mother and father were staying in to make sure they got settled alright.
My wife told me later, that while she, my wife and my mother were upstairs in our house getting made up, my father was informing her mother and father of my mothers Alzheimer's and how the doctor over here had diagnosed it etc etc etc. Needless to say, both my wifes parents thought it was very strange that my mother could have a twenty minute appointment with a doctor she hadn't seen before and be diagnosed as having this condition. They also said that she seemed fine to them, holding a normal conversation and getting facts correct that many would have forgotten about in the two years since they last met.
When I get the opportunity tomorrow I will give them my version of events even though my wife had outlined some of the strange things that my father has been doing over the last year or so.
Doctors appointment is in four days and I really hope that what I have to tell him and question him about raises questions in his mind, as to whether it's my mother that needs the psychiatric help or my father. From what I have discovered, it is definitely my father that needs the help more, but I would really like to see her take him to the cleaners.
My father is quite good at manipulating words and people, but I will make sure that he doesn't get want I think his main aim is. That's assuming, of course, my mother lets my sister and I help her do it.

Again, thanks for the input and the chance to get this off my chest to you guys.

Happy New Year.

LegacyUser

Either your Dad is:

a)a downright dangerous, sinister, evil and profoundly greedy man, on the same scale as "LyingEyes" aka Sharon Collins, with sociopathic tendencies or a personality disorder of some kind.
b) right bout your mother, bar a bit scatty.
c) a bit of both.

I have never liked manipulative people. They cannot be trusted at all, especially if they are also greedy types.

LegacyUser

The end of this episode..

My mother, sister and I had the appointment at the doctors Monday 5th.

My sister asked the first question relating to the amount of different tablets that my mother was taking. Out of the four medical cased tablets she was taking all were ok for her to take. The others which she takes vitamins etc the doctor told her to get rid of them.

I then asked the doctor what he had told my father on their last visit to him.

Needless to say there was no mention of Alzheimer's or dementia, but the doctor did say later to me that there was a memory problem, that if not kept under check could and probably would progress on to dementia then Alzheimer's. He didn't want to mention these in front of mum naturally.

I told the doctor what my father had been saying and he seemed a bit surprised by it.

I then told him about the goings on in the house and that my father was moving stuff about and telling mum that had forgotten where she put it. He said that was just plain evil, but didn’t see it as a mental problem.

Mum had decided that she wanted to return home with him and see how things went. To be fair, while they were here the last few days and had things to do it wasn’t too bad.

My wife told me that she and my sister had questioned my father about the nasty remarks and paying too much attention to the home help. Also asked why he was taking her out anymore on going on holidays. They said that he got a bit embarrassed and admitted that he had over reacted at times to nagging and was wrong to not pay mum much attention.

So all in all, one way or another things kind of settled down before they left.

I just wonder how long it will be before the phone calls from mum start again.