I feel really lonely

LegacyUser

I have absolutely no friends at all. I am very shy and have lost any friends down the years I did have, I feel isolated in work with noone to talk to, I spend lunch times by myself and I think once my Mum and Dad die, I will be left with just my OH.

I feel really upset by it all, I find it hard to talk to people and get myself in a stuttering mess if I do. I don't know how to go about making friends and I am convinced that noone would want to be friends with me either

I have even thought about my funeral, there would be so few there, there wouldn't be a point to it.

Karen_*

Well whereabouts are you Andrea because if you're in Dublin a good place to start meeting people is at some of the boards meet ups and you'd be most welcome.

Other ideas are the usual, to join something and get an interest. I felt very lonely and I joined in alot of boards things and have made some great friend and I also joined a musical society. So I got alot busier and more confident. So many people are in the same boat as you and its not easy when you're shy to get out there but you have to make the effort. New friends will not come knocking on your door.

SeekingHelp

Hi Andrea,
I know what you mean, and sometimes living in any city (If you're in Dublin), can feel lonelier than ever. Like Karen said, the Board meet ups sound like a good place to start meeting people. I'd even like to know when these happen for Boards.ie Karen?
You can never have enough friends, no matter what. But its always important to have those friends who you can rely on and trust no matter what. People will like you, it just sounds like you're completely lacking in confidence. I used to be shy and lack of confidence and decided to bite the bullet and get up and do Karoke for work. It scared the Bejazus out of me, but I did it and I'm glad I did it! I know I'm still a bit anxious at times, but I'm alot better off than I used to be.

Is there anything that you've always wanted to do?

sparkzter

Hi Andrea, We all think about our place in society and our social status at times but maybe you think abit too much as you are alone alot. When I feel lonely or alone I listen to music. Listen to a favourite band or explore music that makes you feel better about yourself. May take months to find something you really like but least ur not thinking morbid or lonely thoughts. If you get into a band it is a common ground for you to chat with like minded people , from which gigs and nights out can evolve.
I am sure you think the worst of yourself and are being too harsh on urself.
Make a new years to get out more, wherever it may be.

In$omniac

Oh you poor thing you sound really really low in yourself, I was just about to pm you but realised your a guest.

Andrea there is no easy way of saying it, but you have got to get yourself out there and start meeting people.
I too am very shy upon approach of a stranger but I have learnt how not to clam up and get all nervous, by just relaxing and not trying to say everything at once which may end up sounding like some foreign language.
If you are thinking others wont want to be your friend then you may give out all the wrong signals via body language etc.
Try learn to relax with yourself the rest will follow, I wish you well with it

Pherekydes

Regarding boards events, look in the events forum

I agree that keeping busy with an interest helps. I'm quite the same as yourself, shy and a bad mixer and I went back to college in September. Now I'm too busy to think about my own situation. Keep yourself occupied with interests, new and old and you'll naturally meet people during these.

Gyalist

While you all, no doubt, mean well in suggesting Board events I doubt whether a painfully shy person can face a room full of strangers.

OP have you ever considered some form of counselling? Do you have a social circle that you share with your OH?

LegacyUser

I was like you about 10 years ago.

I wasn;t in a relationship but had one good friend and when he was busy, I was at a very loose end.

But, 10 years later, I have many more friends, but I still go through bouts of loneliness.....

So, what can you do?

Well, getting involved in something locally is a good start. Is there a festival on where you live or a community group? Having a sense of community is important... I find that even if that means getting a regular hello from the person at your local coffee shop.

Have you any hobbies/interests? I joined a sports club at the start of the year and have been away on weekends and day trips with some of the members... you have the added bonus of having something in common to talk about.

Remember, just because you think that people do not want to talk to you, does not make it fact - people on the whole are very nice and easy going.... so why not make an effort with those you work with - I have always found work places the ideal place to socialise (then again, out of the 6 or so places I have worked, I probably keep in touch with 3 or 4 people).

There's a good book to get called The feeling Good handbook which gives advice on handling situations you are not comfortable in.

I find that it can be difficult to make casual friends in Ireland - possibly more so than in other countries..... people seem very happy to be in their own clique and are sometimes suspicious of new people...... maybe that's a worldwide thing.

I would have been a very shy person in my teens and 20s and I find that the more I do,the easier it becomes......

Nyree

Andrea, first of all, you have to get yourself out of this spiraling negativity because it will become all consuming and you wont be able to function. You'll give yourself a nervous breakdown. If other people see someone who looks depressed and tearful all the time it's going to put them off. You need to give yourself a break. Even if you don't feel like it, for the sake of turning your life around, at least pretend. Looking depressed will get you nowhere, I promise you. People might pity you for a while and I've no doubt you deserve it but they will get fed up, that I guarantee. I know it's hard to hear this but trust me, if you go around with your head down people will avoid you.

I have spent nearly all my life trying to make good friends and I always seems to end up with people who use and abuse me. It really gets me down and I sometimes think there aren't any nice people around. It is hard to make casual friends in Dublin, especially with other single women. They are all so self-absorbed and don't seem to care about meaningful friendships. But never ever think it's you. Why would it be you ? I don't know the intricate details about your life situation but why don't you try sitting with other colleagues at lunch? Even if you're too shy to join in the conversation, just listen. That's a first step. Then maybe tomorrow you can add a short comment and the next day you can say something else. But sit with them and make the effort to look like you are interested in what they are saying, even if you're not. Smile and nod and make eye contact. You will find that someone will direct a comment or question your way eventually.

But you've first got to lose these thoughts about funerals and pointlessness. We all get them but you have to go on. Think of it this way - supposing you could see into the future and you see that you're still alive at age, say 75, which is intirely possible. And you see that you still have no friends at age 75 (just bear with me) Now you can choose to spend the next 40 years using up all that energy being depressed which would be very boring. Or else you could use a lot less energy enjoying yourself and having fun. Either way, you're going to get to that end result, of being age 75 with no friends. So you can do it the easy way or the hard way. Now luckily for you it is highly unlikely that you will have no friends for the next 40 years - so already there's a silver lining on that black cloud, right ?

Please let us know how you get on !

LegacyUser

Making friends takes work. You have to stop focussing on your doubts and your negative thoughts. Of course you are an interesting, lovely person and people would be delighted to know the real you! You need to start telling yourself this once an hour - instead of imagining your funeral!

Just practice talking to people generally - eg in shops or while waiting in a queue. Just make a few comments, smile and you'll be amazed how friendly most people can be. Next - join some groups - thing of things where people will mix and talk to each other - like a book club or a language class.

The best advice I ever got was to be interested in others and not thinking about myself when I'm in social situations! Ask people questions, pay attention and follow up the next time you see them - eg "You said your son was sick - how is he now? He must be excited about Christmas? Oh, I saw the toyshop is having a sale are you going down to it?" - that kind of thing.

It takes time. I moved to a new area about 3 years ago and I joined a lot of different classes and things - some things worked, others didn't. But finally I have made a few friends to go out with, and I meet people I know when I'm out walking down the street etc

I really worked hard on it though. I'd really recommend you do the same. Its up to you to change things.

AARRRGH

My advice to you is to join some sort of political/activist group. Now, I will disclaim this by saying there are a lot of angry individuals in these groups, but you will absolutely meet people and gain some sort of "purpose" in life.

For example, you could join some sort of animal rights group - they're full of young people who socialise together.

Another advantage of joining these sort of groups is it'll help you put your life in perspective. It's quite likely your life is/should be better than 95% of the world. You just can't see it.

Whatever you choose to do, the key is to get yourself out there and spend as much time as possible around other people. That's the only way you're going to make new friends.

PS I don't recommend the boards beers thing. I went once as a friend was too shy to go on her own, and I found it a bit depressing and a bit of a slutfest.

LegacyUser

Thank you. I know I have to do something, my OH and I don't go out together very often and I would feel really shy going to a boards thing. Where I live, there isn't many things I can join... maybe I will try in the city centre?

Nyree

I thought you said you had absolutely no friends !

entropi

Nyree wrote: »

I thought you said you had absolutely no friends !

Aye she did, yet mentioned she has an OH. Andrea, i would check those local free papers if you get em round your area, if nothing comes of it try looking for classes or groups of people who do something you have always wanted to try, or currently have active interest in:) I went through my own spell of depression years ago when all my old friends moved on with their lives and i didnt, now i have new friends and a great outlook on life while currently learning to do something i'd love to work at...it can be done, there is no quick fix but it is most certainly worth the effort:D Keep that chin up, think positive and i'm sure things will work out in the near future.