To Nice?

LegacyUser

What does every woman want in a man? I always hear woman talking about getting hurt and how there man doesnt treat them right. I see my mates treating their girlfriends/wives terribly and still they stand by them. I hate seing woman treated badly as I grew up with sisters and seen the hurt it caused.

When I was younger I was a jack the lad and was at all sorts but still treated my GF's well. I know I dont have to act the big lad but if anything happens I can handle myself. The less I have acted the big lad the less bother I seem to get in nowadays which is a good thing. I have grown up and now enjoy myself without acting like an idiot.

Anyway I have always treated woman really well. When I am in a relationship I always put my GF first. I am well mannered and act like a gentleman when I am out. I never cheat on woman. I am a good cook and always keep my house clean and tidy. I love cooking for my GF and just letting her relax in general. I have been told by ex that I treat them the best they have ever been treated ever. The most recent couldnt believe how nice I treated her. Things in the bedroom were great aswell and I done things to her that hadnt happened before. At the start of the relationship she knew I was paranoid about getting hurt and said that would never happen as I was the nicest person she ever met. I quickly got over the paranoia as things were amazing between us and I thought getting better. Then recently she told me she doesnt want to be in a relationship. She says its not me and its just her but I have been here before and I am asking myself what I am doing wrong. Everytime I get close to someone it ends up me getting hurt. We hadnt had a fight or anything and I thought things were going well. I look around and see the guys treating the woman bad are the ones that seem to hold onto the relationship. Am I being to nice?

Beruthiel

I don't believe that crap about being 'too nice'
As long as you are totally yourself and true to yourself then you shouldn't be trying to be something you're not.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

What does every woman want in a man? I always hear woman talking about getting hurt and how there man doesnt treat them right. I see my mates treating their girlfriends/wives terribly and still they stand by them. I hate seing woman treated badly as I grew up with sisters and seen the hurt it caused.

When I was younger I was a jack the lad and was at all sorts but still treated my GF's well. I know I dont have to act the big lad but if anything happens I can handle myself. The less I have acted the big lad the less bother I seem to get in nowadays which is a good thing. I have grown up and now enjoy myself without acting like an idiot.

Anyway I have always treated woman really well. When I am in a relationship I always put my GF first. I am well mannered and act like a gentleman when I am out. I never cheat on woman. I am a good cook and always keep my house clean and tidy. I love cooking for my GF and just letting her relax in general. I have been told by ex that I treat them the best they have ever been treated ever. The most recent couldnt believe how nice I treated her. Things in the bedroom were great aswell and I done things to her that hadnt happened before. At the start of the relationship she knew I was paranoid about getting hurt and said that would never happen as I was the nicest person she ever met. I quickly got over the paranoia as things were amazing between us and I thought getting better. Then recently she told me she doesnt want to be in a relationship. She says its not me and its just her but I have been here before and I am asking myself what I am doing wrong. Everytime I get close to someone it ends up me getting hurt. We hadnt had a fight or anything and I thought things were going well. I look around and see the guys treating the woman bad are the ones that seem to hold onto the relationship. Am I being to nice?

You're building this up in your head, your girlfriend didn't say you were being too nice and from what I see all your girlfriends have been happy with the fact. So why when it goes south do you assume it's because you're too nice?

SpookyDoll

Anyway I have always treated woman really well. When I am in a relationship I always put my GF first. I am well mannered and act like a gentleman when I am out. I never cheat on woman. I am a good cook and always keep my house clean and tidy. I love cooking for my GF and just letting her relax in general. I have been told by ex that I treat them the best they have ever been treated ever. The most recent couldnt believe how nice I treated her. Things in the bedroom were great aswell and I done things to her that hadnt happened before. At the start of the relationship she knew I was paranoid about getting hurt and said that would never happen as I was the nicest person she ever met. I quickly got over the paranoia as things were amazing between us and I thought getting better. Then recently she told me she doesnt want to be in a relationship. She says its not me and its just her but I have been here before and I am asking myself what I am doing wrong. Everytime I get close to someone it ends up me getting hurt. We hadnt had a fight or anything and I thought things were going well. I look around and see the guys treating the woman bad are the ones that seem to hold onto the relationship. Am I being to nice?

Nope, you just haven't found the person who appreciates you yet. dont change the above behavior at all, my BF treats me really well like you did your ex and I really, really appreciate it and it makes me adore him more.

Girls who are into bad boys can often be headwreckers and believe me bad boys dont make for good partners/boyfriends so dont try to change yourself to suit that.

I think girls go through a phase where they think they like bad boys. Thats just because they dont know any better. A man who is savage in the sack and also treats you like a queen is an unbeatable combination.

So dont go changin!

not yet

At the risk of getting banned.....

Sorry buddy you need to cop the fcuk on. All this oh I treat women the way they sould be treated, or i'd never disrespect a woman, or and here's the STRANGE bit....I keep my house tidy. FFS what has that got to do with a relationship. Grow a pair, most women seem to like that..........

I'm not saying be a slob,or treat women badly, but you need to be yourself, and stop trying to impress them with TIDY fcuking homes or great moves in the bedroom.

RedXIV

OK, now this may come out wrong so don't lynch me if it does. There's nothing wrong with being too nice. Respect for women and the house etc is commendable and i'd be similar enough (in regards to women, i'm crap when it comes to housework ) but just be careful that you're not taking the "being nice and respectful" thing too far. if you're consciously watching your words or finding yourself doing anything to spare your partner any discomfort, you may come across as distant and clingy.

Also, while i know all women are different, I find that you can be a total gent while also being a bit cheeky and fun. It tends to be recieved very well if you've already established the fact you have respect for women because then she'll know it's just a game.

Lastly, don't overthink yourself too much and don't let this knock your confidence. being a nice guy is usually portrayed as a bad thing in the movies, but usually the girl ends up in his arms anyway. It'll work out, wait and see

LegacyUser

I'm afraid i'm going to give you some bad news, Women don't really like the over nice type, they say they do but in reality they don't not for any longer than it suites them.

I'll give you an example , There was a girl that I really like/she liked me etc I was chasing her for a bit slowly but then I started getting to nice I guess it takes the excitement out of it for them. So this girl see's this side of me, I'm a good cook made her dinner, payed attention to her feelings, gave her lifts anytime she needed etc, helped her when she needed someone...in the end she said she doens't feel the same and goes off with some womanising prick who eneds up hurting her.

Situation B, I met another girl just after this and was very subtle this time , In kept her at arms length didn't contact her much saw her once a week and I swear the differance was unreal , she was all over me because she didn't see the nice side she saw the slightly arrogant , take it or leave , musician side of me. So no matter what is said this is the fact and this has happened time and time again.

LegacyUser

This whole thing is something that annoys me too. I know a couple that broke up the same time as me and my ex, the guy treated her bad. He’s a bad, angry drunk and they always have screaming fights. His dad has an abusive/alcoholic past and it’s looking like it was going this way with this guy. His brother even couldn’t stand how he acted.
So the girl splits from him and keeps having taking him back, sleeping with him and it kept happening. She then saw 2 fellas since they “officially” broke up and dumped the last lad now and has taken the a$$h0le back again.

WTF??
Now in my case, I did nearly everything right. I was great with my ex, we had minor troubles here and there but we never had huge fights or shouted at each other, and on the other hand it wasn’t a case of us getting too settled. In bed it was dynamite all the way til the end yet due to whatever reasons (college, distance- only a short one) I still don’t understand why we couldn’t have kept it going. We hooked up once since then and that will be the last it will happen. Now I’m lucky if she even replies to a text or e-mail within a week, when she used to be the one always contacting me. I would love to have got back with her but unfortunately I wasn’t a bad enough boyfriend to merit her returning to me time and time again. I just don’t understand how that happens.

Captain Ginger

not yet wrote: »

I keep my house tidy. FFS what has that got to do with a relationship.

This may surprise you, but coming across as an organized and clean person is in most cases if not all better than coming across as a complete and total slob.

not yet wrote: »

I'm not saying be a slob,or treat women badly, but you need to be yourself, and stop trying to impress them with TIDY fcuking homes or great moves in the bedroom.

So he should just make no effort at all? Pssht hogwash.



OP, I think what you're doing is fine, the only issue I can see (I could be wrong on this) is it that you're always going out of your way to do things that it's become a routine and there's no nice surprises in the relationships, an example being, say you have one man who cooks for his girlfriend every day, or a lot, and then one who does it rarely, but when he does he really goes to town on it, makes it really nice and romantic, obviously the latter is going to have more effect? Just a bit of speculation on my part but good luck finding one who appreciates you.

dblennon

RED XIV said just about right,

For lack of a better word be a little selfish don't pander to every need, don't always be available If you're a nice guy you won't want or need to change that.

I know; I tried the asshole route got me nowhere cause it's not my nature.

I've had the "I'm not ready/want to be in a relationship" and it's always the same situation I have been like a boyfriend too soon it def scares even the best of girls away.

allabouteve

Unregistered wrote: »

What does every woman want in a man? I always hear woman talking about getting hurt and how there man doesnt treat them right. I see my mates treating their girlfriends/wives terribly and still they stand by them. I hate seing woman treated badly as I grew up with sisters and seen the hurt it caused.

When I was younger I was a jack the lad and was at all sorts but still treated my GF's well. I know I dont have to act the big lad but if anything happens I can handle myself. The less I have acted the big lad the less bother I seem to get in nowadays which is a good thing. I have grown up and now enjoy myself without acting like an idiot.

Anyway I have always treated woman really well. When I am in a relationship I always put my GF first. I am well mannered and act like a gentleman when I am out. I never cheat on woman. I am a good cook and always keep my house clean and tidy. I love cooking for my GF and just letting her relax in general. I have been told by ex that I treat them the best they have ever been treated ever. The most recent couldnt believe how nice I treated her. Things in the bedroom were great aswell and I done things to her that hadnt happened before. At the start of the relationship she knew I was paranoid about getting hurt and said that would never happen as I was the nicest person she ever met. I quickly got over the paranoia as things were amazing between us and I thought getting better. Then recently she told me she doesnt want to be in a relationship. She says its not me and its just her but I have been here before and I am asking myself what I am doing wrong. Everytime I get close to someone it ends up me getting hurt. We hadnt had a fight or anything and I thought things were going well. I look around and see the guys treating the woman bad are the ones that seem to hold onto the relationship. Am I being to nice?

Its great that you take pride in being a decent guy, but sometimes men can be so determined to do the 'right' thing that they lose sight of how the woman feels about things. She might want the 'wrong' thing sometimes. Its nice to know you 'let' her relax too. She doesn't need your permission, and she doesn't need you to orchestrate it. She's an adult. Its good too that she believes you treat her well, but if you make a martyr of yourself she's going to get fed up being grateful all the time.

Its great that you 'done things to her' but its better if you do things with her. Just a tip. You aren't just constantly giving and she taking.

Lots of people are paranoid of being hurt, but that doesn't give you permission to treat her as though she's about to, if given the chance. I'm sure she doesn't want to get hurt either, no one does. If you wind up getting hurt everytime you get close to someone, perhaps its time to rethink your expectations.

I've seen a friends relationship crash at the first post because both were so concerned about being hurt, hurting each other, and doing the right thing, and in the process they both got frightened of something that should have been good. Personally, in my experience, you have to do what feels right, even if it's not the way you planned things to go.

LegacyUser

To elaborate on me. I am not being Mr nice to try and impress that is just me. I dont have to watch my words or put on an act. I am not tip toing around my partners making sure I do everything right. I am just a normal guy that respects other people for who they are. There is always things in a relationship that get to people but its dealing with them things that makes it stronger thats what we had talked about. She had told me she loved me and that hopefully one day we get married and did that scare me. I was shocked but not scared as this girl is imo the perfect girlfriend. I did love her but it seems either she didnt love me from the start or something happened. I just dont know whats the deal with it.

SpookyDoll

I did love her but it seems either she didnt love me from the start or something happened. I just dont know whats the deal with it.

Look, you might never find out. Its tempting when you are madly besotted by someone to want to change yourself to be as perfect for them as they are for you. We all do that to a certain extent.

Either you were not quite right for her and it has nothing to do with your nice personality and she moved on.

Or the nice personality vs bad boy dihlemma was an issue for her, in which case shame but she will grow out of it (think of it as temporary insanity)

As for the other posters who lost out to alcho's etc, all I say is give those girls 5 to 10 years with an alchoholic wife beater and see what tune they are singing then....

Dragan

Despite what we are led to believe most relationships tip along fine until eventually they just run out of steam. We hear about the **** and the bitches and all the rest of it because they have a bigger impact. The majority of relationships just end because people get bored and things stagnate.

I don't care you are, you could be the hottest person in the world, money out your ass and all the moves in the world, if the version of you in 12 months time is the exact same as the version then it normally means underneath it all you are just a bit too boring.

People talk about change as if it is bad, it's not. Change is a great thing, if done for the right reasons. You can't change for someone else, but you SHOULD change naturally over the course of your life as you see and experience new things and ideas, meet new people, develop new interests etc.

I hate this tired ass "girls like ****" argument and the ever present "Maybe i am too nice". Guess what, they don't and your not, it's just that women the same as men like people who keep them interested, who pose a challenge, who force then to think etc.

Thats about it.

Edit : Also the whole "afraid of being hurt" thing is rubbish. If you are afraid of being hurt then don't go out with anyone and wait until you are ready. It's an unfair pressure to place on a new partner to remind them that you are constantly weighing them against people from you past that they have never met.

LegacyUser

A lot of guys get confused about what attracts a woman, they seem to think what matters is whether you are good or bad. It's not about that.

Women are basically attracted to the following thing;

Being a cool guy ( social skills, social intuiton )
Not caring what anyone thinks of you.
Being a man who takes what he wants
Decisive
Assertive
Understanding female sexuality ( and understanding how dirty most girls minds really are)
Emotionally stimulating. In case you don't already know, women are extremely emotional beings. Do you give her emotions? They love emotions.
High status behaviour
Masculinity

These are a few of the things they are attracted to. A so called good guy and bad
guy can have these qualites.

From your posts I get the impression what other people think of you affects you emotionally. You need to get this fixed. That's not masculine. Be calm and happy from within.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

What does every woman want in a man?

Well they're all different for a start!:D I would say there are general notions though. I may get roasted for some of this.....

I always hear woman talking about getting hurt and how there man doesnt treat them right. I see my mates treating their girlfriends/wives terribly and still they stand by them.

I will say some women are like that. I've known quite a few. They get some emotional reward from being in a slightly tense relationship. For one it's exiting. They don't know where they stand and that keeps the sexual interest going. For another it gives them something to think and talk about with friends. I used to listen more when women mates would go on about how awful their men could be. I would even throw in the whole, "well I think you should leave him" etc. I don't now, unless the guy is actually abusive. I learned that a lot of the time telling me and others about the guy was part and parcel of the emotional reward. They weren't looking for a solution as such. Or the relationship wasn't that bad and they were just venting steam.

Anyway I have always treated woman really well. When I am in a relationship I always put my GF first.

I would stop you there. Put yourself first. I don't mean you should be a selfish prat. I mean that you and how you are is most important. As who she is should be most important to her. Your emotional wellbeing and balance is first principle. If you have that balance you will treat her well too. Do not put her on a pedestal. Biggest mistake ever.

I am well mannered and act like a gentleman when I am out. I never cheat on woman.

That should be expected pretty much.

I am a good cook and always keep my house clean and tidy. I love cooking for my GF and just letting her relax in general.

OK cool, but what does she do for you? Do not bribe women and think you're great because you're being nice. Reward women for being good partners. I would say the same to women BTW. Too many people bribe their partners for their own selfish needs. People feel this selfishness instinctively too.

I have been told by ex that I treat them the best they have ever been treated ever. The most recent couldnt believe how nice I treated her. Things in the bedroom were great aswell and I done things to her that hadnt happened before. At the start of the relationship she knew I was paranoid about getting hurt and said that would never happen as I was the nicest person she ever met. I quickly got over the paranoia as things were amazing between us and I thought getting better.

All good.

Then recently she told me she doesnt want to be in a relationship. She says its not me and its just her

You see that's where I smell bull. OK maybe not that dramatic and probably not conscious on her part, but bull nonetheless.

Let's recap, she found you sexually attractive, that aspect was good, she said you treated her brilliantly, best ever in fact, yet she leaves? No logic there is there? Hence your confusion. The reason you're confused is because her actions don't mirror her words. Who would leave a "perfect" relationship? Very few. You see it's not her as she puts it, it is you. More to the point it's her and how she feels about you. She's lost the spark for you. She's gotten balse and bored because there is no challenge anymore. She knows she has you 100%. She doesn't want to jump your bones and share a future with you basically.

Now she's likely pulled the "can we be friends" card as you were a nice person, so she'll want that around, but romantically/sexually/building a future? Nope. To keep a woman it boils down to keeping her sexually interested in you. Now people may cover this up with romance and spark and all that stuff, but that's what it boils down to. When she split up with you, what was the main and biggest thing that stopped? Sex and romance. Not friendly chats or any of that. As I say this ex and/or others probably wanted to keep the "friend" thing going. The diff between a relationship and a friendship, is the sex. More to the point the sexual attraction. That's were you're losing them. Blokes usually respond by saying, "but but the sex was great". Maybe so, but her interest in having that sex with you went away. An ex of mine way back left me for a guy who couldn't get it up(I found out later) and we were very sexually compatible. Why" because outside the bedroom I wasn't keeping her interest. I could have been sex god wibbs inside the bedroom, but that makes little diff long term.

but I have been here before and I am asking myself what I am doing wrong. Everytime I get close to someone it ends up me getting hurt. We hadnt had a fight or anything and I thought things were going well. I look around and see the guys treating the woman bad are the ones that seem to hold onto the relationship. Am I being to nice?

Like I've said before it's your definition of nice that's the problem. The fact IMHO is that men and women have very different definitions of nice. I would also say(again IMHO) what women say they want publically(even to themselves) doesn't always square with what attracts them or they go for.

In general terms, they want a man who will respect them, but they want a man who respects himself. This means that they will tire of a man who bribes them with affection all the time. They will tire of a man who says things like "you're the only woman for me". They will tire of a man who submits their own ego to them all the time. They will tire of a man who doesn't stand up for his own needs and wants. They will tire of a man if they feel he will always take whatever they throw at him without complaint. They will tire of a man who always follows the woman's emotional path. They will tire of a man who won't stand up for himself and won't call them on their nonsense(and we all come out with nonsense:)).

I'm actually convinced that women will test potential mates for this too. I've women mates who are among the most emotionally balanced smart, grounded people I know. Good friends. I wouldn't go out with them(even if I fancied them). They treat their partners in quite a different way to how they treat me. They can be emotional nightmares.

Why? IMHO and it is a mad theory of mine, they do this only to men they may want to have kids with. They want to see how emotionally stable these men are, when faced with emotional instability. Reasons may be that pregnancy can screw with a woman's emotions, so they want to check you can handle that appropriately. Kids can be very variable too so they want to see how you cope that way too. Since they have no interest in having kids with me, they don't feel any need to pull the same stuff. End of my mad theory:D

I would advise to continue to have respect for women and treat them well, but do much less following of them and more listening to your own needs. If you're a nice guy as you are 90% of the time that's good and both will be happy. The 10% consists of them knowing that you do have options elsewhere and that you will take those options if it comes to that. That 10% is where a helluva lot of the attraction lies.

Wibbs

Dragan wrote: »

I hate this tired ass "girls like ****" argument and the ever present "Maybe i am too nice". Guess what, they don't and your not, it's just that women the same as men like people who keep them interested, who pose a challenge, who force then to think etc.

Thats about it.

Yep it is pretty much. Relationship fall apart in the majority of cases from pure boredom. Usually after the first rush of hormones, when the other person is brought into sharp focus.

not yet

Unregistered wrote: »

A lot of guys get confused about what attracts a woman, they seem to think what matters is whether you are good or bad. It's not about that.

Women are basically attracted to the following thing;

Being a cool guy ( social skills, social intuiton )
Not caring what anyone thinks of you.
Being a man who takes what he wants
Decisive
Assertive
Understanding female sexuality ( and understanding how dirty most girls minds really are)
Emotionally stimulating. In case you don't already know, women are extremely emotional beings. Do you give her emotions? They love emotions.
High status behaviour
Masculinity

These are a few of the things they are attracted to. A so called good guy and bad
guy can have these qualites.

From your posts I get the impression what other people think of you affects you emotionally. You need to get this fixed. That's not masculine. Be calm and happy from within.

100% right in my opinion

Doghouse

OP, I think it's highly possible that the reason your GF broke up with you is unrelated to how 'nice' you are. I can only speak personally but I've never broken up with anyone because they were too nice (though I did break up with someone because he was an asshole), only because the attraction/spark/whatever isn't there anymore. As some other people have said, it's keeping things interesting that's important. Having fun and having lots to talk about, as well as the aforementioned 'spark' - which in my experience is highly unpredictable, is what keeps you together. Personally I think it's good to be a nice person, whether you're male or female, and to treat your partner with the same consideration and respect that you'd expect from them. It's also important to be yourself so game-playing and trying to keep girls at arm's length and that type of stuff will not make for a successful long-term relationship. It might work for a while but all concerned will get bored of it in the end.

As for girls liking men who treat them badly. I don't get it myself but I know some women like the 'bad boy' type. However, by this they usually mean a guy who appears to be a bit 'dangerous' and a bit of a rebel and not someone who actually treats *them* badly. They often like the fact that this guy appears all macho and misunderstood on the outside but they have a softer side which only the girlfriend sees blah, blah. There's also the other side to these relationships which is that women who are in an abusive relationship often have their confidence destroyed to the point where they feel unable to leave the guy and he therefore has a 'hold' of sorts on them. As you can imagine, that's hardly what you'd call a proper, healthy relationship.

In any case OP don't feel bad for being a person who treats others well. I know loads of girls who'd love a boyfriend like that! Relationships end all the time - best to try to move on and find someone who's more right for you rather than torture yourself over what you might possibly have done differently.