Guilt, Shame & Not Moving On...

LegacyUser

Ok so before I start...frequent visitor and occasional poster here and apologies for the ridiculously long post!, and please Im here looking for advice and opinions not for a hammering for what Im about to explain.

Background story:

Was going out with a girl for nearly a year. It was quite possibly the perfect relationship, first love and all that. I adored her. We had our ups and downs like every couple,she broke up with me about two weeks before last christmas, but got through that and back together. After about 11 months together she said that she just wasnt "in love" with me anymore but did love me...we broke up and on pretty bad terms in the end as I kinda flipped out saying she had been stringing me along for a few weeks etc etc.

I was so heartbroken, I was inconsolable to say the least!

Now to bad part...

Through all this bad time for me, there was always my friends there for me, which was great. However there was also one of my now ex's best friends there to support me and be there for me. I really valued this. This girl then starts going out with one of my friends to add to everything, but it didnt last long and they broke up.

We got really close then, always talking about each others thoughts and problems, and soon she started saying things like "youre such a nice guy you deserve better than x", "I mean youre a good looking guy, I certainly think so anyway!"

(This the point where I seriously f*cked up) I began to reply to her with equal compliments and one night we were out having a few drinks and we ended up kissing.

We continued to "joke" about it and how it could never happen again and we would never tell anybody. So basically I kissed my ex's best friend and one of my friends ex's, and it was gonna be a big secret. Bad I know.

Fast forward about two months and my ex (whom I still loved) calls me telling me she misses me so much and still loves me. We ened up talking all through the night on the phone and start to meet up hanging out with each other again, and possibly getting back together.

So were pretty much going to get back together, when on a night out with some girls she decides to get with some random guy. When I was told this I completely lost the plot, was enraged and told her about me and her friend kissing. That was the end of me and the ex ever talking again.

Next morning I call over to my mates house and tell him waht happened. He was extremely hurt and disappointed but said it took balls to come over and say it to him.

The way I see it things just arent the same now between me and my friend, it just doesnt feel the same.

Fast forward another few weeks again...ex-gf contacts me with a message saying "even if you dont care i forgive you". I apologise to her and that was that.

Few days later, she rings me, saying how she still loves me after everything asking me to come and visit her in her place to talk about everything and talk things through.

So I did, for her. Went up told her everything and tried to explain why it happened. Again apologised. Possibility of getting back together but in the end we said that was it and said our goodbyes, forever. Not the result I wanted.

And that brings me to about 10 weeks after that...to today.

Every day I get up and the first thing I feel is the guilt of letting what happened, happen. I hate myself for it and feel so ashamed, it just wasnt me. It's not something I ever imagined myself capable of doing, completely out of character and unlike me. I loved the girl I had so much, treated her so well, would have done anything for her. It was after we broke up that I made a massive mistake, and I recognise that.

I still think about my ex all the time, I just can't move on, I can't even forgive myself. I have learned a massive lesson and huge experience from this mistake. But it's just so hard, some days I don't even know if I can cope with it anymore.

Please anyone ever in this situation give me some advice, or just your opinion even!

Thanks in advance!

Karen_*

Well my opinion is that you haven't done anything terrible at all and I'm amazed you're carrying so much guilt around with you. Let it go!! What happened is NOT so bad!


I seriously thought I was going to read about some dreadful behaviour or bad treatment of someone by the beginning of your post. You and your exes mate should probably not have been with each other as it would step on peoples toes. But in fairness both of you had permenantly split from the other two.

You made a mistake but I don't think you and your ex would have worked out even if you HAD got back together. And by the way OP there are two other people involved here in this whole scenario. I've left out your mate because all he did was go out with someone but the two girls are litte game players themselves. So they should be feeling as bad as you are but they probably aren't. And why should they when you're taking the blame on all yourself.

AnonoBoy

You didn't do anything horrible.

You apologised to your friend for kissing his ex. You didn't do it while they were going out so it was a minor offence (in some people's books not even an offence at all). It's not like you kissed her while she was dating him.

LegacyUser

ah ya something I forgot to add was that my ex and her friend were life long friends since early childhood...then this happened, so not anymore.

As far as I know my ex and her are just about on talking terms these days after this happening.

MagicMarker

Fair enough you kissed your ex's friend but she CHEATED ON YOU!! (you were practically back together so I would call it cheating) She has the nerve to text you saying she forgives you!!? Did SHE say sorry?

On top of that your friend has forgiven you.

It sounds like a disaster of a relationship anyway, you should be happy it's over. Don't beat yourself up about it, yeah you did some questionable things but really nothing too serious at the end of the day.

Cheeky Chick

Dont be so hard on yourself, you r not the first and definitely not the last. these things happen its only natural, but dont be ashamed of it.

With regards to your ex, its never easy breaking up with someone and you always hold on to that hope that you will get back together, but if ye have agreed its better just staying friends well i guess its just something that you will try deal with. In time it'll get easier, i know that!!! Keep the chin up, and stop feeling guilty!!!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies so far...

Just to clarify, tis not a case of me and the ex just being friends, we have cut all ties completely.

Somehow though I have this nagging guilt at the back of my head, along with a small part of me that still for some stupid reason I hold a hope that even though I know it will never happen that one day we will be back together.

The saying "experience is the name people give to their mistakes" springs to mind!

petethebrick

What are you guilty about - you did nothing wrong!!
Nobody cheated on anybody did they? Just two grown ups having a bit of a kiss - even if you had been shagging it wouldn't be a big deal in my opinion. Seriously man, you need to lighten up - guilt can be a big problem for some people. From the way you talk in your post I can tell you're a pretty decent guy so don't go around beting yourself for little things, life is too short!

Fiii

Hang on, she breaks up with you 3 times, tells you she doesn't love you, then changes her mind and when you are about to get back together hooks up with someone else, and somehow the breakup is YOUR fault and she forgives YOU?

Forgive me, but I am going to be blunt here....
She was never going to get back with you long term.
You guys broke up for a reason, that reason most likely being that she wasn't into it anymore (sorry), then when she felt a little lonely, changed her mind and messed with your head a bit until she was comforted.

Ok, the kissing of the girls friend probably wasn't the greatest of ideas, but you we're both single at the time. I would feel a little bad for breaking the cardinal 'don't mess with a friends ex' rule, but in the long run, it was a wee mistake, not a huge error on your part, and here's the important bit - IT WAS NOT THE REASON YOU AND YOUR EX ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER.
Your friend forgave you, guilt over. The reason things are probably different between you guys now is because you feel so guilty. Guilt does terrible things to a person. You need to let go of it.

Back to your ex....again, I will be blunt. You need to cut ties with this girl and move on with your life, she is bad news.
I bet she always gives you a small glimmer of hope when you break up, doesn't she? She's dangling you on a string 10feet in the air for when she's feeling down and needs a pick me up. Once she feels better about herself, she will drop you like a sack of potatoes. THIS WILL NOT STOP.

I hope this doesn't sound condescending, but you guys sound pretty young. My guess would be late teens, possibly very early 20's?
There is plenty of time for you yet to live your life to the fullest. You sound like a pretty sound guy with a good heart. Go enjoy being young and someday, when it is right, you will find the right girl.
I promise you, your ex is not the standard of women out there, there are some good ones left!

Forget the ex, let go of the guilt, chalk it all up to experience and get out there and enjoy your life.
Everything gets easier with time.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

Fiii you have quite possibly just made my day!

I think I need a kick in the ass or something to wake me up because I think youve hit the nail on the head there with a lot of things I didnt realise.

Great words, thanks dude!

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

your ex sounds like a ho-tel and deserves the what she felt from hearing about you scoring her friend

she repeatedly screwed with your head and scored another guy when you were with her

you shouldn't feel guilty, you should feel happy you got out of that relationship

Fiii

sosorry wrote: »

Fiii you have quite possibly just made my day!

I think I need a kick in the ass or something to wake me up because I think youve hit the nail on the head there with a lot of things I didnt realise.

Great words, thanks dude!

No problem at all my dear, always glad to give people a good kicking hehe, I jest.
But seriously, let this day be the start of the new you. No more guilt, no more shame.

LegacyUser

I don't think you did anything wrong at all.

In fact, I'm mystified by this "you can go near your friend's ex" rule that some people seem to have. Someone's ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend is not their property and you've no business announcing who they can date. Anyone who has a problem with someone they know dating their ex really needs to start growing up.

Wagon

sosorry wrote: »

Fiii you have quite possibly just made my day!

I think I need a kick in the ass or something to wake me up because I think youve hit the nail on the head there with a lot of things I didnt realise.

Great words, thanks dude!

Fiii summes it up brilliantly. She/He's spot on. I will add that regardless of what your ex might have said to you about no contact ever again, I wouldn't bet on it. Next time she rings for a "pick me up", refuse. Or better yet, don't answer the damn phone. And stop being angry at yourself, you didn't do a thing wrong to be honest and best of luck.

homerun_homer

I just hope at the end of this all that your ex's friend who you were mates with and kissed hasn't shunned you over you telling her. Sounds like you've got some good friends so if anything losing one of them over this would be the killer.
Relationships end and people you love go, it's the biggest killer. When you are not at fault you still beat yourself up over and over. It will ease up, there's no consolation in us all saying that but it will.
Now go out and enjoy yourself and forget about the Ex and the crap way she has treated you.

Sir Humphrey

Fiii wrote: »

I would feel a little bad for breaking the cardinal 'don't mess with a friends ex' rule, but in the long run, it was a wee mistake, not a huge error on your part,

I would not regard this as even a wee error if all people concerned are mature. I know people who are very happily married to friends' exes. Ex boyfriends and girlfriends are not a person's property in perpetuity. Not every person will have the maturity to deal with it without being overcome with jealousy but that does not make it wrong per se.

LegacyUser

OP here, Thanks to everybody for your replies so far, they have actually helped me a lot!

I'm quite surprised that the reaction has been as positive towards me (so much so that I've read over my post many times just to make sure its not biased in my favour or anything, and i dont think so!)

I guess Im surprised also because I had been putting the guilt and bad feeling on myself for so long now. These replies have made me think that maybe Im not such a pr*ck for what happened.

Its made me realise I really need to move on, and hopefully come across some nice new girl to be with!

Apart from this one slip up, Im generally a very nice and affectionate kinda guy!! Bit of a catch apparently?! (or so two of my good female friends say!)

Thanks again tho everybody!!

Id give ye all thanks if I wasnt going anon for this post!!

Fiii

Sir Humphrey wrote: »

I would not regard this as even a wee error if all people concerned are mature. I know people who are very happily married to friends' exes. Ex boyfriends and girlfriends are not a person's property in perpetuity. Not every person will have the maturity to deal with it without being overcome with jealousy but that does not make it wrong per se.

I absolutely agree.
Perhaps I should have said "I would feel a little bad for breaking the cardinal 'don't mess with a friends ex unless a significant matter of time has passed, and/or there were no feelings left for each other for either party' rule"

Glad to hear you are in better spirits OP.
Onwards and upwards!

Fiona

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't think you did anything wrong at all.

In fact, I'm mystified by this "you can go near your friend's ex" rule that some people seem to have. Someone's ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend is not their property and you've no business announcing who they can date. Anyone who has a problem with someone they know dating their ex really needs to start growing up.

You obviously have never had a friend get with an ex you cared about so. Its a horrible feeling and it hurts alot.

However OP, one of the best things a mate can do is be upfront about it if it does happen and I respect that alot. Ive had to this done to me more than once and found out through other means, but one friend told me himself straight off. he felt horrible and it was really awkward for both of us. But my annoyance for him that day was FAR outweighed by the respect I had for him for telling me. Hes still one of my best mates to this day. Yes it was a bit weird for a few weeks but it we eventually got over it.