Not sure whether to stay with BF

LegacyUser

Long story short....last night my bf & I were having words. We've been living together about 4 months & hasn't been easy but have gooten used to living together.

Main issue is that everything is struggle for him. Yesterday he got really pissed off cause I got him mince pies & sent him a text to say it would help him feel Christmassy - he flew off the handle & told me to lay off telling him how he should feel.

Anyway, we sorted things out (somewhat) after that. He feels very under pressure to loads of stuff the last few weeks but I seem to be the only person getting the brunt of it.

Then last night he made a comment that really threw me. He said 'who the f in their right mind would want to have a wife and kids'. More rows....boring really but I can't get what he said out of my head & feel like he doesn't really want to be in a relationship. I said that to him this moring but he says I'm over reacting.

I've got the feeling this is going nowhere......just feel like the relationship is too much for him (like everything else)

Beruthiel

When things are ok, have you sat him down and talked to him about this?

louisecm

Are you happy? If the answer is no, then either things need to change or you need to leave it. I really believe its that simple.

a bit lost

a bit lost wrote: »

Then last night he made a comment that really threw me. He said 'who the f in their right mind would want to have a wife and kids'. More rows....boring really but I can't get what he said out of my head & feel like he doesn't really want to be in a relationship. I said that to him this moring but he says I'm over reacting.

Who in their right mind would want a wife and kids?


Most men just get tricked into it


You sound like a total nag. So I'd look at yourself first OP. However if he doesn't want a wife and kids and you do want all that, then why stay together?

louisecm

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

Who in their right mind would want a wife and kids?


Most men just get tricked into it


You sound like a total nag. So I'd look at yourself first OP. However if he doesn't want a wife and kids and you do want all that, then why stay together?

Eh what? What did she say that made her sound like a nag? Saying she got some mince pies to help them get into the Christmas spirit? If thats nagging then I wish I had someone at home nagging me.

Beruthiel

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

Who in their right mind would want a wife and kids?


Most men just get tricked into it


You sound like a total nag.

Uncalled for.
Read this forums charter with regards to unhelpful comments.
B

petethebrick

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

Who in their right mind would want a wife and kids?


Most men just get tricked into it


You sound like a total nag. So I'd look at yourself first OP. However if he doesn't want a wife and kids and you do want all that, then why stay together?

eh, rubbish. She doesn't sound like she was nagging at all. It sounds like her boyfriend is a bit of a child....

meditraitor

a bit lost wrote: »

Yesterday he got really pissed off cause I got him mince pies & sent him a text to say it would help him feel Christmassy - he flew off the handle & told me to lay off telling him how he should feel.

What!

He doesnt sound old enough to be in a proper relationship, send him home to his mum and go find yourself a normal guy.

deathstarkiller

He kind of sounds like a bit of a grump. You shouldn't let him take his bad moods out on you.
Him turning a light hearted comment about mince pies and Christmas into a row is a bit much to take.
Also what guy in his right mind says 'who the f in their right mind would want a wife and kids' to his girlfriend??? Say it to your mates if you like but not your gf. Sounds like he's starting rows on purpose.
You need to either tell him to cop on or you're leaving or if you're not happy, just leave.

Also, there was nothing there that made you sound like a nag!

boredatwork82

Please note, I could completely wrong on my opinion here.
this sounds to me like this dude feels guilty about something or wants out of the relationship, but doesn't have the balls to do it. I have seen guys treat their girlfriends exactly like this. It makes them feel justified about cheating on their partner as they say things are really crap.
Or he wants her to do it. I am a guy and I did this once, looked back and regretted the way i did it.

Edit - Deathstarkiller got there before me, starting rows purpose... for whatever reason.

metamorphic

OP, what has him under pressure? do you know, or does he just claim to be under pressure?

you get the brunt of it because you're close at hand, maybe suggest he meets a friend down the pub (or where ever) and have a good aul rant to let someone else hear the complaints instead of you.

There could be some very simple fixes for the "pressure" like getting some sort of plan together to tackle them.

I suppose, try and help him out but if he's still using you as a sounding board for his bad moods then call it quits.

MagicMarker

If you're living together only a few months then it sounds to me like he's feeling crowded and releasing the frustration like a lot of men do, by snapping at those around them. The fact that you live with him means you get most of the crap.

Unfortunately, if you bring this up with him then he'll just snap again thinking you're over reacting, causing him more grief.

I'd write him a letter, not something overly melodramatic, but a clear and concise letter detailing your concerns. Tell him that you aren't happy with his behaviour and it needs to stop. I'd even give him a night alone to think about it, let him reflect. Spend the night with a friend, if you're there as soon as he reads it then he'll just snap again, but if you give him the night to think about it he might have a clear head and realise what a díck he's being.

yomamasflavour

Seriously the amount of BS posts and ridiculous comments - "Feeling guilty", "grump", "is a bit of a child", "Send him home to his mum" serioulsy wtf?

How can you get all that from 7 line s of text?

Firstly - The context isn't known (The " ..wife and kids." bit) As you said he is "very under pressure" and as you've only been sharing together for four months, do you not think you're reading WAY too much into what possibly was merely a 'on the fly of the moment' comment?

My opinion would be that yes, you are over-reacting, and that maybe you're the one thats not old enough to be in a proper relationship.

As regards him flying off the handle over the mince pies - I would imagine if someone is under a lot of stress and is very worked up then the last thing they need is to get a dig from their partner about lightening up.

Granted he has no right to take it all out on you, but unfortunately thats what happens when you're nearest to the firing line.

meditraitor

yomamasflavour wrote: »

As regards him flying off the handle over the mince pies - I would imagine if someone is under a lot of stress and is very worked up then the last thing they need is to get a dig from their partner about lightening up.
.

What a load of rubbish, when your under pressure the best thing for you is your partner trying to lighten things up. If he had any respect for her he wouldnt be such a child, pressure or no pressure getting thick over your partner buying some mince pies is way over the top.

LegacyUser

The context of the wife & kids comment was - I was listening to a guy on radio last night who is a rugby ref & he's gay - but he was talking about how hard it was coming out & accepting that he wouldn't have a wife & kids....relayed some of i'view to BF & he said 'who the f would want a wife and kids'.

That's the context.

NewFrockTuesday

Seriously the amount of BS posts and ridiculous comments - "Feeling guilty", "grump", "is a bit of a child", "Send him home to his mum" serioulsy

wtf?

How can you get all that from 7 line s of text?

Firstly - The context isn't known (The " ..wife and kids." bit) As you said he is "very under pressure" and as you've only been sharing together for four months, do you not think you're reading WAY too much into what possibly was merely a 'on the fly of the moment' comment?

My opinion would be that yes, you are over-reacting, and that maybe you're the one thats not old enough to be in a proper relationship.

As regards him flying off the handle over the mince pies - I would imagine if someone is under a lot of stress and is very worked up then the last thing they need is to get a dig from their partner about lightening up.

Im thankful Im not in a relationship with you.

Granted he has no right to take it all out on you, but unfortunately thats what happens when you're nearest to the firing line.

Yes OP - totally agree. You should absolutley sit back, not say a word and take all the s**t that this guy gives you. Theres a good girl now. And just be gratefu you have such a nice man in your life, even if the poor love is the only person in the world with a job and a number of pressures in his life. And when his behaviour degenerates more, again, just shut your trap and leave the poor guy alone.

Gottit?

OP, seriously, sort him out. If ye cant hold a decent conversation about the way thigs are going then Id have a serious think about what your future is going to be like.

dancingqueen

OP, you have said yourself "main issue is that everything is a struggle for him"

You should ask yourself why this is? It's possible that there's an underlying issue here that makes him act the way he does - and you have to decide if you can put up with this, if he won't change......

Tim Robbins

a bit lost wrote: »

I've got the feeling this is going nowhere......just feel like the relationship is too much for him (like everything else)

As with a lot of threads in this forum, I feel inclined to ask what age you both are even though that can sound very patronising.

Most men, don't want to have wifes and kids when they are in the early twenties and then in their early thirties they do.

All sort of strange things can happen in relationships, people break up get back together, people have affairs, people lie, people get bored, people have low sex drives, people can deal with something about the other person even though in many other respects they love each other.

Some couples when they first move in they argue a lot because there's some lifestyle adjustment required. Others get on great from day 1, but then one might stray so there's big problems.

There just isn't any real hard and fastened rules. It comes down to what both your needs are and how well you respect each other's needs and differences.

It also comes down to what age you are. Young people don't want serious commitment. This is usually because they are still growing up and exploring the world and themselves. And they just don't want responsibility.

Katgurl

OP, can you give some more detail?

how long are you together?
is his recent behaviour unusual?
is it (either of you) your first time co-habiting with someone.

It can really be a strain getting used to being with someone 24/7 and the adjustment can be difficult.

He shouldn't be taking his frustrations out on you granted, but try not to take it too personally.

John Mason

listen love, you are posting on the internet about whether to break up with your boyfriend or not. you already know the answer but at too afraid to admit.

no one here can help you until to decide to wake up and smell the coffee

(but tbh i have to agree with your bf "who the feck would want kids and wife anyway" and i hate mince pies)

LegacyUser

My BF is 37 - I'm 32. We've been going out a year and a half.....living together 4 months.
Yes, it took some adjusting but I'm not sure that any of this is due to living together. He doesn't seem able (some of the time) to cope with everyday things. The reasons he feels under pressure - he's very busy with work & has lots of people to meet coming up to Christmas. I'm not kidding. Also, I asked him to come to my family for 1 nights between Christmas & NY & that's a major issue.

Aurora Borealis

My advice for the present... Just leave him off and let him sort out whatever it is that is annoying him. I've done the whole trying to cheer someone up or make things better and it can only serve to annoy even more and suffocate people. Just leave him be for a while and go about your own business.

Long term it is important to be able to talk to your partner, if it's the case that you can't I would worry that you're mismatched.

a bit lost

a bit lost wrote: »

My BF is 37 - I'm 32. We've been going out a year and a half.....living together 4 months.
Yes, it took some adjusting but I'm not sure that any of this is due to living together. He doesn't seem able (some of the time) to cope with everyday things. The reasons he feels under pressure - he's very busy with work & has lots of people to meet coming up to Christmas. I'm not kidding. Also, I asked him to come to my family for 1 nights between Christmas & NY & that's a major issue.

Apologies about my earlier post. From the OP wording, I assumed you were in your early-mid twenties and you were just the type that over-reacted to every little thing your bf said.

However, yeah, he does seem to have a few issues if he's acting like that at 37. I reckon he's either a bit immature relationship-wise, or else just assumes it's OK to take his frustrations out on his woman.

MagicMarker

a bit lost wrote: »

My BF is 37 - I'm 32. We've been going out a year and a half.....living together 4 months.
Yes, it took some adjusting but I'm not sure that any of this is due to living together. He doesn't seem able (some of the time) to cope with everyday things. The reasons he feels under pressure - he's very busy with work & has lots of people to meet coming up to Christmas. I'm not kidding. Also, I asked him to come to my family for 1 nights between Christmas & NY & that's a major issue.

Your boyfriend has to get his priorities straight then, if his work his effecting his home life then he has to do something about it. It's unfair to expect you to just put up with it.

Mimibear

a bit lost wrote: »

My BF is 37 - I'm 32. We've been going out a year and a half.....living together 4 months.
Yes, it took some adjusting but I'm not sure that any of this is due to living together. He doesn't seem able (some of the time) to cope with everyday things. The reasons he feels under pressure - he's very busy with work & has lots of people to meet coming up to Christmas. I'm not kidding. Also, I asked him to come to my family for 1 nights between Christmas & NY & that's a major issue.

It sounds like he has some of his own issues to deal with that he may not be sharing with you for whatever reason, but tbh we can't really define what it is because we don't know the situation, its unfair of us to judge the situation really.... In saying that you deserve to be treated like an adult and he is acting like a immature child.

Tells

Life is way too short..

Get outa there. Your happiness is what counts at the end of the day.

Tim Robbins

a bit lost wrote: »

My BF is 37 - I'm 32. We've been going out a year and a half.....living together 4 months.
Yes, it took some adjusting but I'm not sure that any of this is due to living together. He doesn't seem able (some of the time) to cope with everyday things. The reasons he feels under pressure - he's very busy with work & has lots of people to meet coming up to Christmas. I'm not kidding. Also, I asked him to come to my family for 1 nights between Christmas & NY & that's a major issue.

Ok. Just remember no relationship is perfect. At least 25% of people feel awkard around the OH's families.

Perhaps spend a little time apart, have a few girls nights or something. And if you miss each other, it's a sign there's something there and you should work through things.

Life is stresful these days, everyone has bumps and bruises.

If you can work through things, great. If you can't work through things, so be it, at least you tried.

Good luck.

Peewee_lane

All I can say OP is...

if you think these are warning signs, take heed, dont put the blinkers on, just because its christmas and be aware girl.

If it is stress hes under and things were going great, then do put the blinkers on and let him lean on you in the relationship a little.

If my Oh who Ive been with for over 1,5yr now said that to me I would be so upset. I dont want to ever put up with anything I dont have to again, a lesson I learnt in my last relationship.

Maybe he might be trying to throw you off a scent of some kind? Dont want ot put those thoughts in your head though.

Good luck baby x

SpookyDoll

a bit lost wrote: »

My BF is 37 - I'm 32. We've been going out a year and a half.....living together 4 months.
Yes, it took some adjusting but I'm not sure that any of this is due to living together. He doesn't seem able (some of the time) to cope with everyday things. The reasons he feels under pressure - he's very busy with work & has lots of people to meet coming up to Christmas. I'm not kidding. Also, I asked him to come to my family for 1 nights between Christmas & NY & that's a major issue.

Only got one simple piece of advice, if it feels like trying to swim through treacle now, it is only going to get a whole lot worse...

He sounds a bit neurotic to be honest, he sounds like he thinks you are "trying to trap him"

I dunno if you are, you dont sound as though you are but it doesn't sound too encouraging.

I would be quite insulted by a man acting this way if I hadn't done anything and would be inclined to move on. Specially if he is just paranoid and highly strung.

TheZohanS

Seeing as it's your first xmas living together he should be making more of an effort.

Getting mince pies for him so he could get into the xmas spirit was very sweet of you.

Your boyfriend is acting like a jerk.

valleyoftheunos

OP Living together takes so much adjustment, way more than 4 months, particularly if one or both of you have been living alone beforehand. It can be a massive source of stress at first and I would reckon that this is why things have been a struggle for him lately. His wife and kids comment would back this up in my opinion, he doesn't seem to be appreciating the benefits of living as a couple yet although he may in future.

I suggest that you stick with it, but only for a prescribed amount of time and only if he learns to behave, as others have pointed out, he is not the only one who faces pressure from work and home. Its not acceptable for him to loose the rag and take things out on you.

I would take two steps, firstly talk to him and tell him that you know things are difficult but that the situation cannot continue as it is with his behaviour as you are not happy. Then in your head give him a time limit, a couple of months perhaps for things to improve.

Secondly, if in that time things have not improved you can issue him an ultimatum, Things change within a month or you leave, and the change has to stick, once that month is up if his behavior goes back to the way it is now you will leave straight away.

If he isn't prepared to adapt his unacceptable behavior when he knows what the consequences will be he neither wants nor deserves to be in a relationship.

RyanAsh

hes acting like an asshole, you need to tell him so, godsake just coz he has to meet people for christmas and is busy in work, none of that is your fault! And he should love you enough to want to meet ur family over christmas, we all do it for the person we love, we dont necessarily love it but we do it and any moaning about it is inconsiderate. So talk to him, have it out....you really shouldn't have to ask a bunch of strangers what to do. You need to ask him if those comments about wife and kids are really his feelings and if that doesn't agree with what you want then what are you doing wasting your time. Dont just take that nonsense. Life is too short to be wasting your time if things aren't right, just be sure they're not right first.

Diddler82

a bit lost wrote: »

Long story short....last night my bf & I were having words. We've been living together about 4 months & hasn't been easy but have gooten used to living together.

Main issue is that everything is struggle for him. Yesterday he got really pissed off cause I got him mince pies & sent him a text to say it would help him feel Christmassy - he flew off the handle & told me to lay off telling him how he should feel.

Anyway, we sorted things out (somewhat) after that. He feels very under pressure to loads of stuff the last few weeks but I seem to be the only person getting the brunt of it.

Then last night he made a comment that really threw me. He said 'who the f in their right mind would want to have a wife and kids'. More rows....boring really but I can't get what he said out of my head & feel like he doesn't really want to be in a relationship. I said that to him this moring but he says I'm over reacting.

I've got the feeling this is going nowhere......just feel like the relationship is too much for him (like everything else)

Thats what happens when you live with someone...

As for the lack of festive spirit etc. Ask him is there some underlying issue with you...could be something very simple like you are snoring in bed or you hog the telly ... could be something very simple that can be worked out that brings people to this point.

If it is not something trivial then you need to talk to him and ask him what is wrong and what can you do to help and if moving apart/breaking up is the answer.

Communication is key here.

banshee_bones

in response to the part where he seems to be picking fights for no apparant reason, i do know guys that have admitted this to me, they do it because the GF will get pissed off and break up with him, leaving him to escape -guilt free- without having to actually break up with her.
total chicken s*** behaviour if you ask me.

but this again is a minority so i dont know... maybe it is just work and the holidays, christmas can bring out the bah humbug in some of us but as another poster put it that comment was very insensitive you just dont say that to your Gf that you are living with.

LegacyUser

Have to ask this OP. Has the subject ever come up, did you think you knew where he stood on that particular issue before this recent bad-tempered comment of his?

A lot of people assume they are moving towards common goals with their other halfs without ever having openly discussed it, and then get a shock when they find out they are not on the same page at all. Did this touch a particular nerve with you?

Now I agree that he should not be rude, badtempered and disrespectful to you, someone that he supposedly loves at least enough to move in with. And he appears not to realise that this is unacceptable and childish behaviour - his "you are over-reacting" is a great get-out clause which implies that he is unwilling to modify his behaviour - it is up to everyone around him to react in a way that he finds appropriate. Lovely.

But the actual position of not wanting marriage or children (if it really is his position) is a valid one, so find out quick - or decide for yourself whether you would even want his children either way!

LegacyUser

People don't realise how difficult it is getting used to living with a partner. When I first moved in with my bf we had loads of huge fights over the most stupid things imaginable and amost broke up once or twice. 2 years later we are fine (although we still argue!).

From the mince pie argument it sounds to me like your boyfriend is having trouble adjusting and is lashing out at you. The thing about wife and kids, that sounds like he was trying to hurt you- he may not think this at all really. When he is in a good mood you need to sit down and talk it through. If you are sure you want a family and he genuinely doesn't you need to decide whether to leave. If he thinks he might lose you over his behaviour he may realise that he needs to change how he treats you. On the other hand, he may be unhappy and want to end it but can't, so is treating you badly until you do.

You need to be ready to leave- even if you love him you can't stay with someone who is making you unhappy.