sad ex-boyfriend

LegacyUser

hey, don't really know where to start with this, myself and my boyfriend broke up a few months ago, like any break up it was hard at the time but it just wasn't going anywhere so we ended. We both started going out a lot I suppose thats the norm and luckily i don't leave near him so we rarely saw eachother out.

The only thing is thats out of my system but he still goes out three nights away at home, to the same pub and night club, he hasn't gotten a job since he left college, all he does is laze at home and then drink his dole all weekend. I havn't seen him in ages but anyone who has says he looks a state, i still get the odd drunken call like. Everyone says i'm better off without him cos he's so pathetic and a loser. He's started hanging around with people younger then him (he's 25) that are still in college and just go out at the weekend, but the difference they all have college during the week or work, and there using him. All his old friends are still friends with him but they can't afford to go out every weekend like.

It's not just the drinking, its the total lack of motivation to get a job and move on with his life. I'm still in college and whenever we speak he's says he wishes he had done a master cos now he's on the dole he'll never come off it.

We're on good terms now stay in touch a fair bit, but its hard because he has turned into a completely different person and i feel sorry for him. How do i help him get out of this rut?

laura1408

Hi ucc18....

i was in that situation a while back and the same thing happened to me (ex boyfriend out all the time drinking, lost his job etc)

I called it a mourning period where he thought he was allowed go off the rails and do what he liked because we were over..... It didnt last long tho because there is only so much a person can take....... i was like you, i wanted to help him out and try get him through it but as a close friend pointed out i was only giving him false hope that we would get back together and then that would pi*s him right off when i explained we had no future and it set him of again on..... I learned you have to be cruel to be kind. I no its great having people around you to help you out when your in the pits but at the end of the day you can only help yourself...... Its like when someone is addicted to something, they can get all the help they need but in order to sort there lives out they need to do it themselves.....Its a tricky one and im sure everyone else will have diff opinions but from experiance i would maybe have one last chat with him, explain to him that your over and whats happening to him and if he doesnt take ur advice and sort himself out then theres not much else you can do

louisecm

I was in that situation, and while I'm not saying this is the case for your ex, it ended in my ex having a breakdown and going into a rehab centre for alcoholism. The lack of motivation etc. was a result of his alcoholism. All he cared about was drink, and in the end during his treatment I learned that a lot of the problems in our relationship happened as a result of the alcoholism.

Anyway, whether that is your situation or not, at the end of the day you have to put yourself first. His problems are not your problems, you probably CAN'T get him out of his rut. Its not your fault or your responsibility and it is likely that he needs to pull himself out of it if its going to happen.

MagicMarker

why did you start another thread?

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055442569

Cheeky Chick

I was in teh same situation, i broke up with my boyfriend in feb it wasnt going anywhere well i didnt htink so he was wanting a house and kids and i was like no way i was 23 and he was 30, we were together for 2 and a half years. he went off the rails too, ringing me crying down the phone, he hadnt a job half the reason we broke up was because he lied to me pretending to be in work the whole time while he was after getting sacked, this went on for ages, i'd meet him out and he'd try talk to me and would have a big sorrowful face as to feel sorry for him was out every night drinking spent thousands, dunno where he was gettin money when not working!!! In the end I had to change my number because of all the texts and calls i was bombarded with them, even threathened suicide to me.

At the end of the day its not ur problem to try get them out of this rut, it was there choice to get into it, so they'll find their way out. You have to think about yourself and put yourself first. They will never get over it if you keep being there helping them out, they'll only cling on!!!!

Aurora Borealis

The only person who can ever pull themselves out of a rut is the person in it. I had a massively hard time after one break up and then life threw me another few curve balls. It happens but he'll come out of it when he's ready and though your concern for someone who you were once close to or loved is commendable, in reality he's gonna have to find his own way through it and in my experience we generally do if we try. But you can't make him try nor feel bad if he doesn't appear to want to.