Don't know what to think.

LegacyUser

I was doing a bit of thinking the other day and I realized that I'd be strangely comfortable with the idea of no longer being alive. I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything like that, I'd never commit suicide, but if I was to die in a car crash lets say, I almost wouldn't mind really.

I look into my future and I can't really see any improvement over the mundane, uneventful 23 years I've had so far. I've never connected with anyone so if I were to die only my immediate family would be affected.

I was imagining spinning out of control in the car and seeing the headlights of an oncoming lorry, and I imagined a calmness coming over me, a release from the nothingness which is my life.

I seem to walk through life and constantly in my head make fun of myself for being so inept at anything that matters. Sure I can get breeze through college and pass every test easily, the only challenge I see is how close to 100% I can get, I'm very handy i.e I can fix anything within reason.

But the important things like, social skills, the ability to hold a conversation, have a girlfriend, have a friend full stop, the ability to have fun, be part of a group, look at things in a positive light. I've never been good at the important, simple things in life.

I look to my future after I finish college this year and all I see is Job, change job a few times, grow old alone and die. Why even bother with that?

RedXIV

not really that odd when i stopped to think about it. If i was to die tomorrow, i'd be happy enough with my time here, i did an awful lot of stuff i wanted to do, i was happy 99% of the time and things were never exactly terrible for me.

But that doesn't mean i don't want to do more with my life. For example i've always wanted to go to Japan. Its just something i want to do. And if i do it, i'm sure I'll get another goal. To me it sounds like you're associating your issues with other people

social skills, the ability to hold a conversation, have a girlfriend, have a friend full stop, the ability to have fun, be part of a group,

Not trying to distract from these issues but do you satisfy all your own goals? Are you happy about yourself before you tackling issues with others? Take it from me, happiness with yourself will lead to happiness with others. It's inevitable. When your happy, people will be drawn to you. It's just the way things are.

Surely you have a goal or a desire OP? why not start working on it. Save up and go where you want to go. Learn what you want to learn. And take pictures that seems to help

G&T

Your not unique in your thought's
Sound's like you just dont enjoy life,
living like an olde wan,you need
a bit of excitement

I think you should graduate and get
the flock out of here
Go to oz/states for a year
Pastures new, people tend to be more open
to making new friend's when away,

Go do some charity work,build a school in
Africa next summer.

Just make your life count,
so many young people don't
have the chance.

kjt

I have to say it's not that strange at all. Since 17/18 I've always felt that way (23now), I really couldn't care if I dropped dead tomorrow. I don't mean that in a negative/wishful way, I think I'm along the same lines as yourself. I've enjoyed my life and sure as heck ain't afraid of dying! When I was younger I used to think about it lots, wondering what it would be like to die but I'd never take my life, I enjoy it too much!

If your around Dublin and want somebody to talk/hang out with send me a PM!

McGinty

Hi Op

Whilst I cannot personally relate to how you feel, having listened to my partner I have some insight to what you are saying:

I was doing a bit of thinking the other day and I realized that I'd be strangely comfortable with the idea of no longer being alive. I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything like that, I'd never commit suicide, but if I was to die in a car crash lets say, I almost wouldn't mind really.

I look into my future and I can't really see any improvement over the mundane, uneventful 23 years I've had so far. I've never connected with anyone so if I were to die only my immediate family would be affected.

I was imagining spinning out of control in the car and seeing the headlights of an oncoming lorry, and I imagined a calmness coming over me, a release from the nothingness which is my life.

I seem to walk through life and constantly in my head make fun of myself for being so inept at anything that matters. Sure I can get breeze through college and pass every test easily, the only challenge I see is how close to 100% I can get, I'm very handy i.e I can fix anything within reason.

But the important things like, social skills, the ability to hold a conversation, have a girlfriend, have a friend full stop, the ability to have fun, be part of a group, look at things in a positive light. I've never been good at the important, simple things in life.

I look to my future after I finish college this year and all I see is Job, change job a few times, grow old alone and die. Why even bother with that?

My partner is nearly 40 and he said he felt the above until he met me, now I am not taking any credit for being the great I am, I am only repeating what he says, but I believe him for some reason. He wasn't suicidal but his life had a nothingness or a sort of greyness that if he went, he felt it wouldn't really matter. He is shy and finds social situations hard, however, he was never shy with me and we have a brilliant life together, he brings out the best in me, so I guess what I am saying is that life can ignite for you at any time, it doesn't have to be grey, and whilst my partner attributes meeting me to helping him, prior to meeting me he was doing stuff for himself that he really enjoyed, so maybe ask yourself what pleases you, I won't use the 'joy' word but maybe start with what do you like doing.

LegacyUser

I felt that a while ago. Mid 30s but I was on holidays with a friend, having a great time; my business was doing well, and then I thought "hang on, this is great... yes, I could die now and be happy but I'd rather get another 50 years of it before I do".

I have some things I want to do and it'll take a while to achieve them... actually, no, I could do them all now (right now) but I'm saving my money.

Find a hobby you love and you want to do everyday and you'll soon snap out of it... I found one last year and it has changed my life somewhat... new friends, new opportunities, new experiences...

I used to think that about life - college, work, death but now it's:

How can I lead the life I want to lead which is "work for me, as much free time to do hobby as I can, winters in the sun, find a nice girl to enjoy those things with".

If you don't have a plan of sorts for your life, you'll just be dragged along.

mutualismo

Bluess wrote: »

I was doing a bit of thinking the other day and I realized that I'd be strangely comfortable with the idea of no longer being alive. I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything like that, I'd never commit suicide, but if I was to die in a car crash lets say, I almost wouldn't mind really.

I look into my future and I can't really see any improvement over the mundane, uneventful 23 years I've had so far. I've never connected with anyone so if I were to die only my immediate family would be affected.

I was imagining spinning out of control in the car and seeing the headlights of an oncoming lorry, and I imagined a calmness coming over me, a release from the nothingness which is my life.

I seem to walk through life and constantly in my head make fun of myself for being so inept at anything that matters. Sure I can get breeze through college and pass every test easily, the only challenge I see is how close to 100% I can get, I'm very handy i.e I can fix anything within reason.

But the important things like, social skills, the ability to hold a conversation, have a girlfriend, have a friend full stop, the ability to have fun, be part of a group, look at things in a positive light. I've never been good at the important, simple things in life.

I look to my future after I finish college this year and all I see is Job, change job a few times, grow old alone and die. Why even bother with that?

I'm quite similar, but I do find meaning, or at least satisfaction, in quite a few different things. Don't you enjoy being smart? Don't you enjoy solving problems? When you get out of college, you may find a great deal of satisfaction in your career, much more than you get out of your education right now.

By the way, I find it hard to believe that you have difficulty holding a conversation. I suspect that you only really have difficulty holding conversations about topics which don't interest you. If that is the case, then what's the problem? If your judgement is that boring conversations just aren't worth having, then you are probably doing the right thing.

Many intelligent people are eccentric, i.e. unskilled when it comes to certain mainstream behaviours like those which you mention in your post. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing in itself, or even a poor reflection on their natural abilities. I would say that since they have different goals and derive satisfaction in different ways to others, they simply lack the motivation to work on these behaviours like most other people do from an early age.

Bluess, I don't think there is anything much wrong with you. Social skills don't matter except to the extent that you desire social achievement. But if you feel that the absence of those achievements is bothering you, then clearly you might want to revise your patterns of behaviour to check if certain changes would help. It might be worth experimenting, say by trying out some social situations which normally you would find uncomfortable, just to see if they work out for you. They might not work out, but it's the only way to find out if a change is really worthwhile.

All of these issues are probably heightened by something which I am sure you realise: that many relationships (romantic and otherwise) are actually very shallow: predicated on looks, image, habit, convenience, abuse, need and power. As a person of depth, these "average" kinds of relationships would not be appropriate to you. As such, you are doing the right thing by protecting your soul and staying away. The risk, of course, is that you might miss out on something of real quality.

Is it worth reaching out to find quality relationships? I'd say deep down you probably think that it is, but something is holding you back. I think that counselling is a great idea for nearly everyone, even those who are mostly ok but could do with some guidance in just a few key areas. It could probably help you find answers to some of these questions.

At the end of the day, though, it's perfectly legitimate to continue as you are, and any changes must ultimately be weighed against your own desires and predospition.

LegacyUser

OP, I could have written that post myself, and just thought I'm let you know you're not alone. I'm a 22 year old girl who to everyone else seems to be holding her life together just fine. I'm doing a postgrad which will set me on the way to the career I've always wanted, have a pretty good job, and a big group of friends, but spend my time thinking that the world is passing me by. I'm just so apathetic about everything and like you, think that if I died tomorrow I'd go quite happily (I too think of the whole car crash thing). I think the best way of describing it is that I don't think I'm living, merely existing....

What you're thinking is alot more common that you'd expect; I think alot of people, especially at our age, start to question themselves and where they're going (and final year in college will definately put those questions in your mind).

Hope you're doing ok and don't forget, life is for living (all I need to do is follow my own advice right?)

Kidchameleon

Hi,

Your only 23, your so so young, its very easy to feel like this at your age, many people at this stage in their life havent experienced much in the social scene (girlfriend ect...), its not uncommon. I can guranantee you that when you finish college, get a job or go travelling you will meet people, fall in love, have ups and downs, youve plenty of time for all of that. Keep the faith friend, the good times are coming, I envy you...

Regards.

Humria

OP, I can identify with what you are going through. During my final year of college all I could keep thinking is that after this life was going to go downhill; I would get a job and spend the rest of my life mundanely trudging through work and life. In my case it had to do with being stuck. I didn't (and still don't) have any idea what I wanted to do with my life. The thought of staying in any job longer than a summer was daunting. The change came when I moved to a different country to do a postgrad course. It has really opened up my eyes. I've met people who have done travelled extensively and really had some amazing life experience. It's inspired me to want to do the same. I'm planning on moving to a different country, working to save some money and then do some travelling. I'll go by myself if nobody wants to come. This has really changed my perspective and made me feel like I'm accomplishing something.

So, what do you want to do? You are seeing the all the negatives at the moment because you are not happy. I suggest aim to do something new. You are young and you do not need to get a job straight away. Once you find something good to focus on, all those problems will seem smaller.