Christmas and the in-laws

notalot

Hey there, this is my first post and I hope it doesn't seem too trivial alongside some of the other posts but it's driving me mad and I'm really angry about it. In a nutshell, I'm with my husband for 8 years, we always spend Christmas day with my parents - we both happy to do this. His parents are separated and his dad has a new relationship and family, his mum is own her own and for the last 5 years we've invited her to spend christmas with us at my parents which she does. The problem is my sister in law - every year she makes her plans for Christmas and never factors in HER mum. She always lets her mum know in september that they have planned to go away or don't have the room blah blah, which means that I'm responsible every year to make sure her mum is invited and taken care of.

I thought it would be different this year as they're staying at hmoe and have moved into a lovely big house but NO, she tells my husband last week that she's going to her Dad's for Christmas lunch. Which means yet again I;m responsible for her mum.

Am I being unreasonable, I have no problem alternatinmg from one place to the other, talking turns, I have offered to cook christmas dinner for everyone at my mother in law's. Just feel that me and my parents are being taken advantage of.

Any thoughts? Should I say something to avoid this happening next year too?

SpookyDoll

Is your sister in law your husbands sister?

Or your brothers wife?

Sorry but am confused.......

RedXIV

not to be overly critical or anything but it is Christmas and family is a fairly strong theme of the time. I'd say even if you decided to completely ignore her existance on Christmas day, your husband would make sure she was looked after. You don't just forget about family at Christmas, i'm sorry you seem to look on this as a chore but if your willing to share Christmas with your parents, you should, in fairness, be willing to spend it with his. After all, you don't know how many left you can do that for....

MagicMarker

If you're happy enough to have your mother in law over, then what's the problem?

Your sister in law is entitled to spend xmas with whoever she likes. It's not her fault you feel guilted into having people over. (that's how it seems to me)

notalot

Hey all thanks for the advice - just to clarify, the sister in law is my husbands sister so it's their Mum.

I should say that its not a chore for us or my parents however my Mum does feel that she shouldn't have to do it every year as we also have other relations who visit.

MagicMarker

Your mum doesn't ''have'' to do anything.

RedXIV

Perhaps you should point out to your mum that if you were to be 100% fair on the issue, you'd alternate every year. the fact she see's you every year is fantastic and your husband gets to see his mother which is also great. But his mother could have also made a similar request but she didn't. I'm not sure if there is tension or similar but it appears that unless you can reach an agreement with the parents, you will stay in the same routine

Iago

notalot wrote: »

Hey all thanks for the advice - just to clarify, the sister in law is my husbands sister so it's their Mum.

I should say that its not a chore for us or my parents however my Mum does feel that she shouldn't have to do it every year as we also have other relations who visit.

So would you rather spend christmas without your husband? Why should he spend every christmas at your parents and not be with his?

Have you discussed how happy he would be not seeing either of his parents on christmas day if you forced the issue?

LegacyUser

Who cares, the more the merrier at Christmas imo, once you all get on. She might leave you something extra in her will for looking after her so well at Chrsitmas. Play the long game!

John Mason

why does your mother "have to do it" every year?

What is wrong with you?

can you not have it you in your house and give YOUR MOTHER break ?

SarahSassy

Its your husband's Mother so he needs to grow a pair and make an arrangement with his sister. What do you suppose they do with his Dad when the sister is entertaining Mammy? Are you going to go to his Dad's?

abi2007

to be honest i think your being a bit selfish. if it was my mom that was on her own I'd invite her to have christmas with me every year no matter what. I don't know how your husband feels but i'm sure he wouldn't like to see his mom on her own for christmas.

Humria

Well what exactly have you to do for your mother in law? If it's basically having an extra person over for dinner then it doesn't seem like a huge amount extra to do, if there are other issues at hand then it may be different.

In an ideal world your sister in law would want to have she mother over for Christmas but she doesn't. The way things are you get to spend every Christmas with your parents. Many couples divide their time between two sets of parents. Your husband may be content with spending Christmas with your family but how does he feel about having his mother there? It may be nice for him to have her around. She is your sister in laws mother but she is your husbands mother too, not just some stranger. You and yor husband may be burdening more of the responsibility but I think calling it "being taken advantage of" is a little dramatic.

The bottom line is that things may not be exactly how you want them to be but it definitely could be worse. It seems unlikely that your sister in law is going to relent without a fight and I think it wouldn't be nice for your mother in law to be the burden in the centre of the family dispute.

Terpsichore

Too late for this year, but drop a hint that next year you and your husband are planing a second honey moon away over Xmas...

Carrigart Exile

SarahSassy wrote: »

Its your husband's Mother so he needs to grow a pair and make an arrangement with his sister. What do you suppose they do with his Dad when the sister is entertaining Mammy? Are you going to go to his Dad's?

I think this is very unfair. It seems perfectly acceptable for the OP to get to be with her mother and father but the husband 'has to grow a pair' for wanting to be with his own mother at Christmas. I think you need to read 'A Christmas Carol'.

seahorse

You need to have a word with your lazy wagon of a sister-in-law. Otherwise take Terpsichore's advice and plan to be abroad next year. And dont mind the nonsense about you being selfish; it's your sister-in-law who's being selfish - it was her this woman brought into the world, not you.

marti101

You see your parents every year but begrudge him seeing his mother,i thinat this stage op you need to have xmas in your own house and let everybody else have the christmas that they may like.You just seem to resent that his Mother comes over for christmas but has your husband ever said about goi,maybe her resents it but does cause he loves you.i hope your kids arent like this to you when you get older,cause what goes around comes around

LegacyUser

I actually do think you're right to be a bit annoyed.The thing is that there are people like that in every family. You're almost always going to have one person who suits themself in some way. Okay, she's going to her dad's...fair enough. But next year, why doesn't she have the mother, and you stay at home in your house.
You are actually very lucky to have a husband who's happy to go to your family every Christmas. Personally, I think you should start spending Christmas in your own house. Maybe give your own mother a break, and have her over too. Why can't you start your own Christmas traditions, instead of carrying on the ones from your youth, and slotting your husband into them??
Bottom line...yes it's irritating, but unfortunately there's very little you can do about it this year. So next year, start doing something completely different.

notalot

Thanks all, plenty of advice there. I left it all quite general as I was just trying to get a sense of how I'm feeling and am I totally overreacting or being reasonable?

The background to all this is that when our daughter was born we spent her first Christmas away with my parents - I felt bad about his mum not being able to see her granddaughter on her first Christmas so the following year I said no matter what we're doing, she should be with us (we cannot have Christmas in our house as we have a galley kitchen with no table only a counter for three and no dining room/table - tiny house). I asked would she be comfortable coming to my parents or if not I could cook in her house and she wouldn't have to lift a finger and she could invite whomever she wanted but she didn't want me to do that. I also suggested that my husband and I could take her out to a hotel but she didn't like that idea - (I have also suggested the above every year since).

So my mum called her directly and asked her to join us for Christmas - she was delighted and accepted.

Every year since then she calls me to ask what we are doing for Christmas and can she join us, she has also called my Mum directly to ask if we're going to her and if there is room for her to come along. When I ask her what her daughter is up to to, she has already made plans which don't include her and I suppose that is the real reason I'm angry. Eevery year she makes her own plans with her family and never includes her Mum in these plans, not even for one year and she just assumes that we'll take care of her Mum (which we do).

I had a chat with the other half about it last night and he thinks his sister is being a spanner but of course he wants his mum with him - so we'll continue the way we are for now.

b3t4

Family is wonderful isn't it. (please note sarcasm) All this having to do this and having to do that. My own family is the one reason I dread Christmas.

notalot, if you get on with your Dad's mother then try to remember that she is only one person to cater for. Sure it's annoying that you're doing it every year but your sister in law, more than likely, does not get on with her and thankfully you don't mind her that much.

To give your mother a break possibly have Christmas at yours next year and have everyone around?

A.

cafecolour

I'd count your blessings. Your mother sounds like a wonderful host, your mother, your mother-in-law, you and your husband all get along, and your daughter gets to have both her grandmothers with her on Christmas.

Quite honestly, even if you weren't hosting her you'd have to see her at some point during Christmas. I'm surprised you're not working a trek to his dad at some point as well. That's how it works, even without a grandchild, mums want to see there own children and vice versus. You're saving yourself the annual "well we went to your parents last year, so we'll go to mine this year, but we can go to yours for Christmas eve, and we'll have the morning for just us" sort of deliberations.

Your sister-in-law is really neither here nor there - don't let yourself worrying about what she 'should' do poison your head for what you have. As for your mother feeling obligated to host dinner because of this, she shouldn't. If you want to do something else one year for Christmas, do so, and simply let his mother know or I'd say it would be nice to actually invite his mother as well if you went elsewhere.

SpookyDoll

notalot wrote: »

Every year since then she calls me to ask what we are doing for Christmas and can she join us, she has also called my Mum directly to ask if we're going to her and if there is room for her to come along. When I ask her what her daughter is up to to, she has already made plans which don't include her and I suppose that is the real reason I'm angry. Eevery year she makes her own plans with her family and never includes her Mum in these plans, not even for one year and she just assumes that we'll take care of her Mum (which we do).

I had a chat with the other half about it last night and he thinks his sister is being a spanner but of course he wants his mum with him - so we'll continue the way we are for now.

Hey OP, I get your point, you dont mind having the husbands Mam at all by the sounds of things she is a lovely woman.

But that sister in Law -what a piece of work, selfish, selfish, selfish...she should be ASHAMED of herself treating her mother like that.

Her poor Mam never knowing where she will be for Christmas and never getting included in the selfish sister in laws plans. Nice, "thank you for raising me Ma, see ya round"

After Christmas I would get your husband to confront her and ask her just who the hell she thinks she is jibbing off her own mother every Christmas like an old unwanted shoe...!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!!! :mad:

Sugar Drunk

I bet your mother in law is very grateful for you inviting her along every year the poor woman must feel awful that the sister deliberately leaves her out. t least you all get on so its not a problem that she comes with you but I understand you and your husband being annoyed at the sister.

Would your brother maybe have a word with the sister after christmas about it? She is being really selfish. It means that if you and your husband decided to go away some christmas you are the ones feeling guilty leaving his mum alone.

LegacyUser

how well do you know the sister?
Maybe her and the mother have a colourful past and don't really get on?

notalot

Unregistered wrote: »

how well do you know the sister?
Maybe her and the mother have a colourful past and don't really get on?

Known them both for 8 years, they seem to get on pretty well, her mum minds her child regularly. She does tend to suit herself a lot of the time though and I think she views her mum as a bit high maintence so maybe its easier to do their own thing and to be fair she has to take into account her husbands family also.

I think I need to stop stressing as everyone has pointed out, to be fair we're lucky to have our parents and my daughte will be delighted to have so many grandparents there plus her cousins (my sisters).

We call into his Dad every Christmas morning for breakfast so that should keep everyone happy, if not a little tired!

daiixi

Perhaps your mother in law wants to spend Christmas with you and your family rather than with her daughter?

If you have a problem with the sis in law then you should probably tell her. She probably now thinks there's nothing wrong with the situation OR that you now have a set ritual of her mum spending Christmas with your family and that she doesn't have to include her mum. Perhaps there's problems between the daughter and mother? Try talking to her!

meganj

This is ridiculous!

Your husband is probably happy to spend xmas with your family because his mum is there to! I understand that it's hard for your mum having his mother there or whatever the problem is. His mother is not something to be pawned off on either of the siblings! If your not happy tell him to stay at home with his mother.

If my boyfriend ever said to me that my Mother had to go somewhere else on xmas day... I'd be going with her.

Bare in mind she's his mother, she can do no wrong and be careful of what you say because it will come back to haunt you!

Vyse

In fairness to the OP this is a point that will elicit strong emotions in most near everybody. I think this type of discussion happens between nearly every couple.

OP, if you are happy to have his mother over than I think you should keep it that way. I can understand your annoyance with his sister but I think that is a separate issue. If you are happy to host her for the day and she is not then I can't really see the issue (although I can understand you wanting to vent). You can't really expect to leave her alone for the Christmas.

I have told my better half (whom I am marrying in March) that we will go our separate ways at Christmas. I can't imagine not being at home for the holidays. This will continue up until the point we have children (at which point I would suggest that we either stay at home or alternate parents homes over the Christmas). Diff'rent strokes for diffrent folks I guess.

iguana

Vyse wrote: »

I have told my better half (whom I am marrying in March) that we will go our separate ways at Christmas. I can't imagine not being at home for the holidays. This will continue up until the point we have children (at which point I would suggest that we either stay at home or alternate parents homes over the Christmas). Diff'rent strokes for diffrent folks I guess.

Don't you think it's time to put your wife above your childhood? You are obviously insisting on spending xmas at home because the day is important to you. And by spending the day apart you are telling your wife that she has no part in such an important day in your year. That's either very hurtful to her or if she doesn't care then she also thinks you have no part in an important day for her. You two are a family now and within your family you should be putting each other above everyone else.

tbh

I can see why you would get annoyed, but really, look at the bigger picture. It's not causing any hassle for you to look after his mum, his mum probably feels bad that she never gets to spend christmas with her daughter, and what you're doing helps her get over that. At the end of the day, it's between your sis-in-law and her conscience.

Vyse

iguana wrote: »

And by spending the day apart you are telling your wife that she has no part in such an important day in your year.

Sorry that is a the biggest pile of BS I've read. You don't know me, my wife (to be) or my family so don't go making such assumptions. Did you ever stop to think that a family member could be seriously ill and that there may not be many Christmas' left? Yeah I agree that in marriage you should put each other above everybody else but that does not mean that you stop becoming an individual.

Stop making massive over generalisations. ANd maybe, when you post, why don't you direct your comments to the person looking for advice.

MagicMarker

Vyse wrote: »

Sorry that is a the biggest pile of BS I've read. You don't know me, my wife (to be) or my family so don't go making such assumptions. Did you ever stop to think that a family member could be seriously ill and that there may not be many Christmas' left? Yeah I agree that in marriage you should put each other above everybody else but that does not mean that you stop becoming an individual.

Stop making massive over generalisations. ANd maybe, when you post, why don't you direct your comments to the person looking for advice.

To be fair to iguana, if I was engaged to be married and my other half told me to fúck off for xmas (which is basically what you're doing) then I would be none to pleased, because I would want to be with her at christmas time, because she WOULD be part of my family.

As for having a sick relative, what's your point? Are you only able to see your family when you're alone? What's stopping you bringing your WIFE TO BE with you?

The fact you're getting all defensive about it says to me that you know you're in the wrong somewhat.

jim o doom

notalot wrote: »

I had a chat with the other half about it last night and he thinks his sister is being a spanner but of course he wants his mum with him - so we'll continue the way we are for now.

I agree that your sister in law is being a spanner - but at least this way both your parents and his mother get to see their own kids & grandchild at xmas - it may be frustrating but I reckon you are doing the right thing (so congrats, it's the time of year to be nice to each other, eh?). Who would want to spend christmas with an ignorant thoughtless gobsh!te like your sister in law in the first place? not even her own ma from the looks of it.

iguana

Vyse wrote: »

Sorry that is a the biggest pile of BS I've read. You don't know me, my wife (to be) or my family so don't go making such assumptions.

You made your position on christmas day very clear. Your wife to be is supposed to be your family, but you have told your her that she will not be with you on one of the most important days in your year. And how exactly does spending christmas day with the person you're supposed to love the most impact on your individuality?

And as you said that that will continue until you have children, it seems unlikely that you are basing that decision on somebody being terminally ill. And I agree with MM assessment that your vitriol is because I hit a nerve.

littlebug

I think you're right to feel annoyed at your sister in law. How involved is she with your mother in law the rest of the year? Maybe next year if the sil does a runner again you could insist, with your husband on board, that you'll do dinner at her house but reassure her that she won't have to lift a finger. She may find the thought of lots of people coming to her house for xmas and all the work preparing for it, not just the cooking but the cleaning and decorating etc and feeling like she has to be "hostess" overwhelming.

For some people there comes a time when Christmas isn't how you would like it to be and sacrifices have to be made, but it's best then to think of it as just another day but do your best to make it good and happy for the people around you. A good stock of wine helps.

tantipie

i dont think the op or her hubby have too much of a problem with it,,maybe op's mom is fed up and i dont blame her,,you should talk to your sis in law,,it is so unfair that she just carries on regardless of what her own mother is doing,,