Oink!

Bull's Pizzle

This pork crisis has reminded me of a curious experience I once had. A friend of mine had begun internet dating and was signed up on several different sites, including a bondage site through which he hooked up with a girl who identified herself as a 'bottom' - i.e. she liked to be abused. She described herself as 'gorgeous' but when he met her he found this description to have been wildly inaccurate, and abandoned the date after one drink. It seemed that any kind of harsh treatment was pleasing to her so she took some kind of enjoyment from this and kept texting him. We were out for a few drinks one night and he was telling me about it and getting texts from her and didn't know what, if anything, to do about it.

Now this whole business was completely new to me, and I wanted to learn more about it, so I got her number and sent her a text ordering her to come into the bar we were in, just to see how she would respond. She asked who I was and I told her I was the guy who was going to f*ck her that night. There was a bit of back and forth during which I maintained this imperious tone, but I never expected her to actually materialise. I was wrong: a while later my friend nudged me and pointed her out. She had just walked in

She was absolutely destroyed - fat, hot and pink in the face. Her clothes were wretched and shapeless and even her hair was badly cut - like the kind of haircut a teenage boy has when he wants to grow it long but isn't allowed to have it past his collar. She stood there, nervously shifting her mass from foot to foot, while I contemplated her. She was truly awful, but I was undeterred

In the dedicated spirit of a man of science, I took her back to my place, and ordered her to strip naked and go and lie face down on my bed. While waiting for this unedifying spectacle to unfold, I pondered what to actually do with her. I supposed she liked to be beaten and berated, so I took off my belt and went in and started lashing at the mound of misshapen pink sludge that was on my bed. I shouted at her that she was a disgrace, and that she was in dire need of discipline.

It didn't take long before I started feeling foolish. The whole affair seemed like a ridiculous piece of slapstick. I thought I needed to ramp up the intensity of what was going on, and got a wire clothes hanger from the wardrobe, straightened it out and began to bring it down hard on the slack flesh of her buttocks. It quickly became apparent that I had gone too far. She yelped like a scalded cat and started yelling out, Manchester! Manchester! (the signal that she didn't want to play any more).

I stopped what I was doing and examined her. I had actually drawn blood, which I hadn't wanted to do and went to get some ice from the freezer. Unfortunately, all that was in the freezer were some pork chops, so I took them out and put them on her ass. The contact with food seemed to bring her some relief and after a while she said she was feeling better. By this stage I was thoroughly sick of the sight of her, so I sent her away and went about erasing all traces of her presence from my place

I must have been in a somewhat distracted frame of mind, as, although I don't remember it, I put the pork chops back into the freezer. Then a few weeks later, a friend stayed over after a night out and I got up in the morning to find him tucking into the pork chops which he had fried up in an attempt to tackle his hangover. I didn't tell him where they had been, but they didn't do him any harm. He said they were quite tasty.

4zn76tysfajdxp

Oh yeah, this is going to go down well.

Nodin

Well, its a better effort since the last "readers letter" thread......

CreepingDeath

Hmmm... one of the stranger threads I've ever read.

Reminds me of a "Top Tip" in "The Viz" comic ie.

Rashers can be used as skin grafts for pigs. Sounds applicable here.

funk-you

Thats not weird at all....not at all i tells ya!

-Funk

themadchef

Sicker than a plane to Lourdes

Turd Ferguson

OP's post should be included in the Charter, or at least made a sticky.

dr.bollocko

AH is not a blog.