still not coping...

gedas

hi all,

i've posted here a couple of months ago looking for advice on breakup, and i'm thankful for all advice i got. my girlfriend of nearly 6 years broke up with me back in august, but it's been just over 2 months since i last saw her basically because i've moved to london (moved because of the breakup, a bit drastic, I know).

Anyway, i still find it very hard to deal with it. i'm starting a job soon, and at the moment doing some training. but i can't concentrate, i can't make myself dive into this whole new life, because i'm still hoping she will give us another shot. and we are keeping in touch regularly, and i can't stop telling her how much i love her and want to be with her. smells of desperation, i know.....

My self-esteem is non-existant. I've bought a couple of self help books to help me get up on my feet, but i can't start doing anything they tell to do, because i don't think i deserve to feel better. in fact, even though sometimes i do get some positive feelings about myself, i must bring myself down in order to remind myself that all the pain i'm going through is what i actually deserve, otherwise i wouldn't have to go through this. it's some sort of self-inflicted emotional torture. i have so many good people around me, but i'm thinking "why are they here for me?"

if anyone is feeling similar, how do you cope? or if anyone has any idea on how to change these negative thoughts, please tell me......sorry if this was too long.....

IanCurtis

Six years, two months. Go easy on yourself. No amount of self-help books are gonna heal what's happened, nor one-night stands, hobbies or clubs.

You gotta look at yourself now and give yourself a break. There is no quick-fix to this, but take some heart in these facts:

Many, many people get married having never experienced a heart-break like this so this makes you more prepared and stronger. 1 in 3 get divorced and find themselves single at 55.

Secondly you're not alone here. This has happened to millions all over the world. If you wanted out, you'd have topped yourself by now so the only way from here is up.

Lastly, I'm here. PM me your thoughts and anything else if you wish. I firmly maintain that your true soulmate doesn't come along until you've experienced true loss.

Day by day, hour by hour...it's the only way. You can do it, you will do it.

LolaLuv

I agree with IanCurtis, you've got to ease up on yourself a bit. Two months is nothing, especially for such a long relationship. You have to give yourself permission to grieve and to deal with it in your own time. And it's common for your self-esteem to be crap after a bad break-up. You'll find your way again, it will just take time.

I think it would do you some good to take a break from contact with her. You have to stop beating yourself up, and that's unlikely to change while she's still in the picture. The negative thoughts will stop eventually, but first you have to withdraw from her completely.

dub45

Calendar time and emotional time have nothing got to do with each other at all. It helps to remember that sometimes.

And remember people are not idiots - you have friends and good people in your life because you have earned them over a period. And you are the same person now that you were during that six years. You have not suddenly become unattractive.

Sometimes in life like now when you have experienced loss you have just have to go with the pain and the bad feeling. There is no easy switch to press. You do the routine stuff its painful but it does help to do it and you do come out on the other side.

And I know how hard it is to do it but you must cut communications with the other person for a definite decent interval - it is absolutely essential.

Colonel_McCoy

Op I was in a similar situation as you it takes time, certainly more than 2, 3 or even 6 months. It took me a year to sort my head out. I know its different for everybody but be patient

Terpsichore

Oh I know exactly how you feel! I've been there myself a long time ago.
Only time will help you heal.
No matter how much you love the person and long for her to be back, if she broke up with you, there is very little you can do to make her come back. Just take the message and move on.
No matter how hard it is, you have to allow you to gradually change your thought pattern and focus on something else.
Because you cannot force someone to love you or be with you, there is really no point whatsoever to hurt yourself more. I know you don't believe this now. But it's true.
You're in London! Go out to Xmas markets, museum, concerts, plays, do stuff for yourself. Join the Lunch Club and meet new people...
Take care of yourself.

Das Kitty

The only advice I can give is to stop contacting her, you're stirring it up every time you see her name on an email or a text. If she's initiating the contact it's most likely she's trying to allay her guilt, it would be fairer to leave you alone and let you hate her for a while.

Hopefully your new job is busy, it will keep your mind off it most of the day if it is.

Hang in there!

gedas

thank you for responses.

i know i have to cut all contact. right after i've moved out of ireland, i didn't talk to her for about a month. and i think i did feel better. but just before i left, i got done for speeding while driving her car, so she got the mail with all the fines and points on her name. now i didn't think that was fair, so i had to ring her and give her my new address so the gards could post the whole package to me. i paid the fine, got the 2 damn points, and i think it's only fair, my mistake after all. but after that it's been all going downhill.

i have this hope, which i refuse to give up, and it annoys me. i believe that if i stop talking to her then she will forget me quickly. but when i do talk to her i sound like a pathetic fool (which probably i am). and i also believe that if i keep on saying that i love her, then perhaps she will understand that i really do love her and maybe decide to try again. but no matter how hard i try, it's the same old reply: i'm not sure, i'm lost, i need more time, i need to understand what i feel, or just plain silence.....

I always thought that i need 2 things to be happy: home and someone to cuddle up to. i had both and even more, and now all is gone...i ended up with something i definately didn't want at all.

i know people have far bigger problems, so thanks for reading...

Wibbs

Ok in my humble....

gedas wrote: »

i have this hope, which i refuse to give up, and it annoys me. i believe that if i stop talking to her then she will forget me quickly.

Quite the opposite. If you stop talking to her usually the opposite will occur. Doesn't mean she'll want you back but she will think of you. Maybe as much as you think of her. After six years she will do. You changing your tune will likely increase that. So forget about her forgetting you.

but when i do talk to her i sound like a pathetic fool (which probably i am).

No you're not. You are when chatting to her but that's only part of who you are, not the whole of it.

and i also believe that if i keep on saying that i love her, then perhaps she will understand that i really do love her and maybe decide to try again.

Common mistake. She actually doesn't care whether you love her or not. She only cares at the back of it all about how she feels. Doubtless I'll get some raised hackles about that one, but that's my take on it. Now she will care in some ways. She's used to you saying this and she's used to her hearing it, but that's about it. It's about how she feels. Don't beleive me? Well you love her and she's not with you. She may be off with another, but yet you stick in there. You actually don't care or acknowledge how she feels. If you did you wouldnt be this into her still. She spots this too, deep down. Everytime you say I love you, what she feels in a primal way is that you are not listening to her feelings. Other stuff too in fairness.

but no matter how hard i try, it's the same old reply:

Because you're trying to hard and you're repeating what she's already heard.

i'm not sure, i'm lost, i need more time, i need to understand what i feel, or just plain silence.....

Excuses mostly. They pretty much translate as "I've lost the spark for you" "I don't see you as a sexual being that I can share a future with" I don't want to lose you entirely either though" "I'm just as scared to be single, but not scared enough to try again at the moment"

My advice. Back off. let her go. Agree with her that the break was a good idea as you both were going nowhere. Wish her the best and tell her you're a better person because of her. Try to move on. Date others. Change the record. All of that guff. If you two are one of those rare couples where you are actually right for each other and have a special bond, time apart will increase it.

RedXIV

I know it can be pretty crappy trying to move on. And i know what its like hoping against hope. But even if you really want to give this another go, you've admitted yourself you're coming across as desperate and needy. Thats not all that attractive to the opposite gender and thats what your trying to do, re-ignite the infatuation she had with you. And you do that by being the most incredible, fun and attractive person you can be. Go out and have fun, laugh, smile, enjoy life. This idea that you don't deserve happiness is rubbish. everyone deserves happiness.

gedas

"You actually don't care or acknowledge how she feels. If you did you wouldnt be this into her still. She spots this too, deep down. Everytime you say I love you, what she feels in a primal way is that you are not listening to her feelings. Other stuff too in fairness."

you're probably right, wibbs, it all smells of selfishness. and i actually thought i could and even did love her honestly and sincerely. i just want her to be happy with me. but yes, on the other hand, i can make her happy by just stopping bothering her. as for dating others, i don't think i have much to offer to anyone.

and RedXIV, i know i can't make anyone want me. and now i am going to sound as a definite loser, but at the moment i honeslty don't know how could anyone find me as the most incredible, fun, and attractive.

fcleere

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

that can be hard to accept but i think its very true.
i also agree with cutting contact,i was going through a break up and i found this worked very well,in both trying to get over "her" and stirring up her interest in me. we ended up gettin back together,for a while.....

dub45

gedas wrote: »

"You actually don't care or acknowledge how she feels. If you did you wouldnt be this into her still. She spots this too, deep down. Everytime you say I love you, what she feels in a primal way is that you are not listening to her feelings. Other stuff too in fairness."

you're probably right, wibbs, it all smells of selfishness. and i actually thought i could and even did love her honestly and sincerely. i just want her to be happy with me. but yes, on the other hand, i can make her happy by just stopping bothering her. as for dating others, i don't think i have much to offer to anyone.

I think its very important to remember that in these situations both people are very very raw. Feelings are accentuated, distorted and certainly 'not in balance' and its perfectly understandable that they should be.

I dont think that the word 'selfishness' used in this context is the nasty selfishness that we use in another way. After loss and hurt of course we are going to be selfish how can we not be? Its a reflex thing.

You have been with this person for six years - you have lost part of yourself for whatever reason it doesnt really matter. A loss like that is huge. Give yourself time and space to come to terms with that loss and allow yourself to 'feel' the hurt etc. Remember you have lost not just a love but a routine, an outlet for your feelings, the weekends to look forward to - the certainly of being with someone when you go somewhere, phone calls messages etc - someone showing you affection laughing at your jokes and so on. How can we not feel lousy when this is removed. Be kind to yourself - stop being hard on yourself.

gedas wrote: »

and RedXIV, i know i can't make anyone want me. and now i am going to sound as a definite loser, but at the moment i honeslty don't know how could anyone find me as the most incredible, fun, and attractive.

Ok at the moment you may not be the most incredible fun and attractive person how could you be? It would not be natural after your loss to be in that state. But you are you - the person who admitted above they they have good friends and so on. Thats the person thats now shook up but that person is not gone.

Your friends value you for what you are - that mad mixture that we all are in different ways from time to time. At the moment the best friend to you is yourself - your good friends can support you and will do so but you have to set out on your journey to recovery from your loss - no one can do that for you - and the old cliche of the longest journey beginning with the single step is so true in these circumstances. So have that cup of coffee, chat etc. No one is expecting you to be a stand up comedian or anything. Just be yourself and be kind and encouraging to yourself - the rest will follow. And it really is no harm to be a little selfish in the best possible sense of that word - if you dont look after yourself and get yoursel right who else can?

~nop~

CUT ALL CONTACT.

After every major break-up the most important thing is that you have to learn to love yourself again. During relationships we get so used to placing value on ourselves by what the other person sees that when the relationship breaks up this all comes crumbling down.
You've got to stop loving her now and start loving yourself, because when you do is when you'll finally get over it.