Attempt at poetry. Constructive criticism welcome!

peterone

I wrote this poem for a character in a novel I'm writing. She had an abortion when she was younger, and this is meant to be like an ode to her unborn child. Appreciate any feedback on rhyming and rhythm etc as this is a first attempt... It's called 'Innocent Child':

Bang! Like a tonne of bricks,
Without foundations laid.
Guilty woman in fear of shame,
The price? A life. You paid!

Black clouds, endless with tears,
I know they’ll never cease.
Innocent child alive in mind,
I pray you rest in peace.

Matt Holck

damn her to hell with mnemonic guilt

quincyk

Ooh, nice and stark - I like!:cool:

luvvie dahling

damn her to hell with mnemonic guilt,
push in the knife, push it up to the hilt,
shun her and beat her and stone her and then,
she'll think twice before she does that thing again.

(edit)
I just really liked the 'damn her to hell with mnemonic guilt'
comment, and thought I'd have a bit of fun.
Didn't mean to be offensive,

peterone

Ok, so I take it you're not too impressed.

Yes it is dark and guilt ridden, but I think it would seem strange if she recalled the event with fond indifference, and it's integral to the story too.

Any other constructive comments re meter, rhyming etc would greatly be appreciated as I intend to include a couple of poems in the story (maybe even a happy one!!)

Thanks

quincyk

peterone wrote: »

Ok, so I take it you're not too impressed.

Yes it is dark and guilt ridden, but I think it would seem strange if she recalled the event with fond indifference, and it's integral to the story too.

Any other constructive comments re meter, rhyming etc would greatly be appreciated as I intend to include a couple of poems in the story (maybe even a happy one!!)

Thanks

I was......which is why I said "I like."


And I did. A lot. It was brave, bold and honest. Grim, too, I might add - all of which are components attached to abortion. Fair play.

getz

peterone wrote: »

I wrote this poem for a character in a novel I'm writing. She had an abortion when she was younger, and this is meant to be like an ode to her unborn child. Appreciate any feedback on rhyming and rhythm etc as this is a first attempt... It's called 'Innocent Child':

Bang! Like a tonne of bricks,
Without foundations laid.
Guilty woman in fear of shame,
The price? A life. You paid!

Black clouds, endless with tears,
I know they’ll never cease.
Innocent child alive in mind,
I pray you rest in peace.

i like that its very good-allways write the poem as if you are the one who has lost the child ,it reminds me of a emily bronte poem its too late to call thee now- i will not nurse that dream again for every joy that lit my brow would bring its after-storm of pain-

Wallacebiy

peterone wrote: »

I wrote this poem for a character in a novel I'm writing. She had an abortion when she was younger, and this is meant to be like an ode to her unborn child. Appreciate any feedback on rhyming and rhythm etc as this is a first attempt... It's called 'Innocent Child':

Bang!
Like a tonne of bricks, Without foundations laid.

Guilty woman in fear of shame,
The price?
A life.
You paid!

Black clouds,
endless with tears,
I know they’ll never cease.
Innocent child alive in mind,
I pray you rest in peace.

Good poem , Concise .
As the target is a Novel , I'd suggest , not to be overly hung on Rhyming and Metre , and consider more the visual emphasis for the reader.
My example above is just an attempt , obviously you'll know better how your character would recite the poem.

Hope that helps , if not apologies .

peterone

Wallacebiy wrote: »

Good poem , Concise .
As the target is a Novel , I'd suggest , not to be overly hung on Rhyming and Metre , and consider more the visual emphasis for the reader.
My example above is just an attempt , obviously you'll know better how your character would recite the poem.

Hope that helps , if not apologies .

Likin your suggestion a lot

Cheers

pickarooney

I imagine someone writing such an emotional piece would probably dispense with rhyme and tight structure.

The Mad Hatter

pickarooney - don't bet on it. The best poem I ever wrote was about the same length as that, extremely personal, and arrived fully formed in my head, with structure, rhymes and rhythm intact. All I had to do was write it down.

peterone - First time I read it I didn't like it so much, but it grew on me. The first line really gets an agitated and almost aggressive mood across. I'm not too fond of the last line of the first stanza, partly because I don't like lines broken up into short sentences like that. I'd repunctuate it as: The price - a life. You paid.

How old was she when she had the abortion? And when she wrote the poem? If she's much older, she may consider herself to have been a child herself at the time, in which case the line 'Guilty woman' could start 'Guilty girl' or 'Guilty child', which would suggest her own innocence/naivete at the time, as well as fitting the rhythmic structure better.

peterone

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

pickarooney - don't bet on it. The best poem I ever wrote was about the same length as that, extremely personal, and arrived fully formed in my head, with structure, rhymes and rhythm intact. All I had to do was write it down.

peterone - First time I read it I didn't like it so much, but it grew on me. The first line really gets an agitated and almost aggressive mood across. I'm not too fond of the last line of the first stanza, partly because I don't like lines broken up into short sentences like that. I'd repunctuate it as: The price - a life. You paid.

How old was she when she had the abortion? And when she wrote the poem? If she's much older, she may consider herself to have been a child herself at the time, in which case the line 'Guilty woman' could start 'Guilty girl' or 'Guilty child', which would suggest her own innocence/naivete at the time, as well as fitting the rhythmic structure better.

Thanks for the quality feedback. The girl was early twenties when she had it so not that young. But she was a very different person to who she is now in her early thirties. The first few lines attempt to convey how she felt at the time i.e it was all about her, and the impact of the surprise pregnancy. But the second stanza she laments for the child, who she didnt really consider at the time.

Re guilty woman, I think I used woman to try show that she feels more guilt now than ever before. not sure if it worked though, and I agree "girl" would flow better.

Thanks again!!