Self-injury

LegacyUser

We had our family Christmas party last night, got home at about 1:30 (had some alcohol, but am not drunk) and I haven't slept a wink since. Not 100% sure why, my mind can be quite occupied when trying to sleep. I'm not usually up for these things socially as I tend to be too quiet which can piss people off, but last night was genuinely OK, I think.

I've been thinking about self-injury again. I used to do it (cutting primarily) fairly regularly over a period 2 years, but haven't done it in 3 years. The 'anniversary' of having 'stopped' is coming up again soon, but to be honest, I don't think that's anything to do with what's in my head right now. In years gone by I hadn't realised day X was coming up or even noticed on the day itself. I took this is a good sign as it meant I had some distance from it.

I just wonder what the implications would be if I were to start over, physical ones are obvious, but mentally I have no idea as I've not had such a long gap like this before. I did not start in my teens and I am not female so that's that stereotype out the window. I used to have a counselling psychologist (who had a strong background and interest in SI) and she said it was good that we caught it early. She was excellent and I know I was very lucky to see her. After my undergrad finished she referred me to a psychotherapist who was also very good. The last time I saw him was in Sept 07 before my final year as a postgrad was due to start, this was just a few sessions just to check in, so to speak. We left it so that things are somewhat of an open door policy in that I could return if I felt I had to. I know I could pop back to him, but he's way over on the south side so I'd have to make up some excuse for the parents. Please don't tell me to go a Dr or psychiatrist - I find the medical perspective to be rather useless for mental health and have been down that road previously. I am rather isolated, currently unemployed and can be very anxious. I can be prone to suffer from what I term 'cabin fever', but I feel that is not at play here. That generally involves my sleep being knocked completely out of sync, becoming quite depressed and anxious. I am doing two pieces of voluntary work, I adore them, but they are web-based. I've been very determined in trying to keep up a fairly normal pattern in order to avoid falling down this slope again, so I've been going go bed before 11 or 12 most of the time, nights such as tonight are an exception, and also making sure I'm awake or up for a bit of breakfast radio. My postgrad (graduated last month) was rather stressful (extremely so, at times) but I had professional support and again a lot of determination and some healthy habits which I believe saw me through it. I won't lie and say I didn't think about cutting myself during some of this time, I did, but managed not to. A large part of me believes this was down to being utterly terrified of starting again, however as of this moment I'm not so terrified. I would also have flinched at the notion of doing it again, but now I don't think I would.

There isn't really anyone I can talk to about this. There is no way I can talk about this with anyone in my family even though they know I used to do it, there's not a chance of me discussing mental health with them. I know I can email the Samaritans, write poetry and discuss this on SI fora, but in a way I might be looking for suggestions or ideas that are a bit outside of the box or a bit less restrained, hence posting. I do have a label, not a mental health one, but I'm not going to mention it here. I think anxiety was the undercurrent of a lot of my self-injury, I never flat out asked any professionals why they thought I did it, but a lot of the therapy/counselling seemed to be devoted to how anxious I was...and I know it was a coping mechanism.

Maybe this is just stupid talk in the small hours, I don't know. I know it's likely you'll pick holes in some of what I've said here which is fair enough, and that realistically, yes, I could see the therapist again if I had some plausible excuse and now that I've the free time. But, there is that twisted part of me that almost wants to be completely alone in this, I've an image of myself of moving out from home, living alone and just taking a blade to myself.

Hmm, things are a bit conflicted, I guess.

lostinnappies

Hey there,

I think you know yourself really what the out comes of self-injury(harming) would be other wise there would be no conflict.... the real question you need to ask yourself is why? Why is it now that it has entered your mind again.... Why have you not noticed your anniv of when you last stopped until now?

I know you said not to tell you to see a psychiatrist or any professional but in truth I dont think anyone here knows your circumstances well enough to be able to give you the answers you need.

Could you be suffering from depression? This is just what enters into my head when i read your post. Although it may not be very obvious depression has a way of creaping up on you. Sleeplessness etc.

LegacyUser

Hey again, thanks for your input.

I didn't harm and passed the 3 year harm free mark. I won't lie, it still has crossed my mind a bit including the use of bleach, but I think I'm mentally outside of/away from the place I was in when I first posted, at least when it comes to SI specifically. I suppose I didn't notice about the anniversary partly because I was never really someone who counted days of being harm free (some people do as a way of helping themselves), but also because it was simply absent from my life. I emailed the Samaritans over the CHristmas, obviously they're going to be extra busy then, they never replied, but usually do so.

I don't think it's depression, no. I know the signs for that within myself and around me, feeling absolutely rotten/pit of the stomach feeling crap/that my skin is rotten, suicidal ideation and so on. The sleep is more under control/regularity now. I think if anything is likely to knock it sideways it's anxiety - it tends to be more pervasive and can be a culprit for poor mental health. My head can be very mean towards myself, and whilst everyone can have bad thoughts about themselves, I think the difference is how part and parcel such thoughts are when your mental health is shot to bits...a lot of it can feed into itself...So in the end my self-esteem and confidence levels are ultimately very, very low which has some impact on that fact that I feel I have amounted to very little as a person.