boyfriends nightmare mother

pinkcocktail

dont really know what type of advice i want, think i just wanna get it out.
Iv been with y boyfriend for two years, love him to bits theres no one liike him in my eyes. Any way i move from down the country when i was 18 to live with him in dublin (hes from dublin) we had our own place up untill june. we couldnt afford it anymore. i was going to move bck home, but his parent said we could live with them. Anyway we moved in but we didnt get his old bedroom now his 40yr old brother sleeps in there, Even tho hes got hi own family. So me and my boyfriend sleep in the 'parlour', sleepin on two small couches with boxes for our clothes. while his bro sleeps on the bed my boyfriend bought and the wardrobes he bought also. Any way his mum is a total night mare though shes a nice woman nd nice to m. but she is a total bitch to my boyfriend he does everything for her...everything. he gets no thanks just abuse. Even when we go out anywhere shes in having a snoop in our room, so its resulted in us having to lock hour door. I thought of an iddea to take the drawers he bought out of his old bedroom for use to use, mostly cause i wanted to feel a little bit normal again having somewhere to put my clothes instead of boxes, so he aked his mum last nigh nd she said yes but live it till today so she could clean them out. i was so happy though then he went to ask her to clean them out today and she turned around and said no. my boyfriend kept at her bshe was sayin how she wanted her house back and do u not think iv nothing better to do. i just broke down crying and couldnt stop all day,sounds stupid but i was just so c=socked that she would do that, im a 20yr old girl i think i at least deserve somewher proper to put my clothes. we got the drawers in the end but is it really that much to ask we live in a room, sleepin on couches way to small just so we can be together. i could just move home to a big house big bed but i want my boyfriend so id stick it out, but my boy is so depressed his mum is always puttin him down. moving out aint an option as we are a good bit of dept. am i just being a moany ungreatful bitch!

Silverfish

I just have a few questions:

Do you buy your own food?
Do you contribute towards bills?
Do you cook / clean / contribute towards the housework?

pinkcocktail

yes we buy our own food, pay half the bills, and i clean when mum aint aroun, shes a clean freak i offer to clean for all the time and i just get a lunt know she never leaves the house, she just cleans, we have to dry the sick when we wash our hand in the sink:( thats how bad she is..

MagicMarker

pinkcocktail wrote: »

am i just being a moany ungreatful bitch!

Yeah you are tbh.

This is not your house, it doesn't matter how old his brother is or who paid for the bed or wardrobe in that room. Your boyfriend moved out and his brother took the room. You don't have the right to move back in and take it back. That's not how family homes work.

You're living there rent free I assume? Well then either put up or shut up or move out. You can't possibly be in enough debt to be unable to pay for a room in a shared house.

Silverfish

pinkcocktail wrote: »

yes we buy our own food, pay half the bills, and i clean when mum aint aroun, shes a clean freak i offer to clean for all the time and i just get a lunt know she never leaves the house, she just cleans, we have to dry the sick when we wash our hand in the sink:( thats how bad she is..

Alrighty

My only suggestion is, you'll have to work at getting out of debt, and getting another roof over your heads.

If you were to share with another couple, or friends, its highly likely you can get somewhere within your means, especially with the drop in rents at the moment.

Sometimes high rent is a small price to pay not to have your head wrecked.

Unfortunately, its her house, and its her rules, and you don't really have a right to demand or expect anything, as its her doing you a favour.

pinkcocktail

im aware that he dosent hve the right to have his own room back, its the fact that his bro only comes down to sleep there at night, leaves cups, dirty sock and everything for his mum to clean up, never bring there grand daughter down at all, come down at the weekend always asking for money off them! but yet she gets up in the morning makes his breakfast and lunch and he dosent even say thatnks to her. while my boyfriend does eveything for her and she just puts him down all the time, i hate seeing my boyfriend so down, like he really thinks his mother hates him. its just not right.

MagicMarker

pinkcocktail wrote: »

im aware that he dosent hve the right to have his own room back, its the fact that his bro only comes down to sleep there at night, leaves cups, dirty sock and everything for his mum to clean up, never bring there grand daughter down at all, come down at the weekend always asking for money off them! but yet she gets up in the morning makes his breakfast and lunch and he dosent even say thatnks to her. while my boyfriend does eveything for her and she just puts him down all the time, i hate seeing my boyfriend so down, like he really thinks his mother hates him. its just not right.

Well then move out. Simple.

TouchingVirus

Indeed, running away solves all those family problems MagicMarker

OP - Have you tried talking to the mother? You say she treats you grand, so why not have quiet word?

pinkcocktail

she talks grand to me but she, but i know she dosent ike me she makes smart comments about me to my boyfriend, we are moving out straight after xmas now, my boyfriend dosent want to be here at all anymore.

Ruu_Old

Talking to someone at MABS is a good start for the money side of things, good luck. Get that tidied away.

metrovelvet

Silverfish wrote: »

Alrighty

My only suggestion is, you'll have to work at getting out of debt, and getting another roof over your heads.

If you were to share with another couple, or friends, its highly likely you can get somewhere within your means, especially with the drop in rents at the moment.

Sometimes high rent is a small price to pay not to have your head wrecked.

Unfortunately, its her house, and its her rules, and you don't really have a right to demand or expect anything, as its her doing you a favour.

You do have the right to expect basic kindness from your own mother and not put downs. Just as you dont need to accept personal abuse from a landlord.

I know what its like to have your mother hate you. The thing about it is that it is so ingrained into our psyche's that it's impossible for a mother to hate her child that we simply choose not to believe it or accept it. Accept it, move out and get some distance.

pinkcocktail

Ruu wrote: »

Talking to someone at MABS is a good start for the money side of things, good luck. Get that tidied away.

thanks for that apperciate it.

Thorntree

Pink cocktail, you are relatively new to the family and don't really know what has gone on before.
It sounds as if you and your boyfriend would be better off on your own, as you have your own family dynamics to deal with.

I'm sure this does not apply to you and your friend, but mothers can get fed up of rude, abusive, dirty, free-loading adult offspring who return misery for kindness, and care only for what they can get. It's easier for those offspring to blame the mother or say that they are "hated.," rather than take responsibility for their problems and act with consideration to a person that is helping them at her own expense of money, time and energy.
Sometimes a person pointing a finger at a mother will point three back at herself.

Silverfish

metrovelvet wrote: »

You do have the right to expect basic kindness from your own mother and not put downs. Just as you dont need to accept personal abuse from a landlord.

My point is, its not her mother, its her boyfriend's mother.

The OP is the one posting the thread, and the OP is the one being provided with a place to live.

The other issues are between her boyfriend and his mother, and there's not much the OP can do there.

cufroige

OP honey... I'm glad to hear you are moving out

Apart from whatever is going on I know I get very anxious when I don't have my own personal space to live in.. it causes all sorts of problems for me no matter who says or does what I'm just uncomfortable sharing my space indefinately with someone who normally doesn't live with me & family...

Her head is wrecked, your head is wrecked, bf's head is wrecked.. and the other fella is just wrecking the gaff with his smellies all over the place yeuk!
It is her house, if it was me I'd F everyone out & get my bleedin peace back...

Remove yourself, you're only 20, you've a lot to learn a lot to give and a lot to work towards...too much stress