Very Passive

LegacyUser

I am very passive agressive and have been for a long time. I came from a family where you couldnt discuss things directly because you were accused of being critical. Recently however i am starting to lose my temper with people. Someone might say something to annoy but i dont even let them know that they are annoying and then after a while i flare up. Then it looks like i got annoyed for no real reason. Also i dont even give reason afterwards why i did that or attempt to give my side of the story or even defend myself so i look even worse. People think i am really easy going. Sometimes i feel as ihave no courage at all

SO how can i become more assertive(and direct) and less passive agressive?

Kevster

It will take time to become more assertive, and you will have to have the determination to change firmly on your mind. Think of thoughts such as: 'I'm not going to take **** from anyone anymore'; 'I'm not going to let people walk all over me anymore'; 'It's okay to be not nice sometimes'; etc.

I managed to turn myself into a guy who did everything for everyone (which partly caused my own downfall) to a guy who is in control and knows when to say 'NO'.

Overheal

I was like that for a very long time. Very often I would lash out at my step brothers whom would normally have no cause in the slightest as to what was pissing me off. Really you just have to bite your balls and apologise, explain why you went off on them. Its a good way to start expressing yourself (through apology like that) and eventually you will find yourself being more upfront in conversations in general.

estar

at least you are aware of this.

thats the start. practice taking note of how you feel, taking note of your emotions. you dont have to react straight away, but when you do take note of things that you feel are over stepping the mark, bring it up with the person in a calm way. just say - that hurt my feelings, dont say things like that again. and work through with them whatever they come back with.

dont over compensate with anger or aggression. no one is perfect. not even you! people are going to say things that you dont like every so often, as life isnt perfect. remember that sometimes you just have to let certain things go, as life is too short.

well done on breaking this pattern. passive aggressive people tend to lose friends as their friends don't understand the pattern of the delayed reaction.

cufroige

Overheal wrote: »

Really you just have to bite your balls and apologise, explain why you went off on them. Its a good way to start expressing yourself (through apology like that) and eventually you will find yourself being more upfront in conversations in general.

I certainly would not disagree with overheal BUT being passive aggressive this is not a helpful way to express yourself because you'll find yourself apologising A LOT & that will make you seem doubtful of yourself, your mind. To yourself & others.. You will end up having an identity crises

You may end up feeling & coming across like you've no mind of your own.
And people will not respect / trust your point of view.

OP, I could have written your post myself... I was a total bottle-up'er... I have worked a lot on myself to live my life in the present moment & to clarify my mind, my feelings as they present themselves. I has helped my greatly but I still tend to bottle things up subconsciously...

Changing your automatic behaviours is not easy... I think the Dali Lama described it as being as difficult as 'unlearning how to drive' because that's how subconscious it is... the action comes before the thought. Our in your case the RE-action... keep that word in your mind..remember to Re-act is to act without thinking.. to respond is to express yourself.. try to respond to situations / people as they present themselves... as the previous poster said, in a calm way, before it becomes a grudge for you to stew over...by all means apologise absolutely when you are unreasonable, but try to express yourself clearly as you go so that "I'm sorry" won't end up as your theme tune... Nobody will accept sorry when it's thrown about a lot

I can only suggest that you start an audit on yourself, your behaviours, thoughts & feelings, do some study, go to a therapist if you need the direction. You need to realise that no matter what is happening in your own reality is influenced purely by your perception of it.. try to develop a better understanding of how you perceive & think & act, and also try to tune yourself into the fact that you really have little influence on anothers reality, thoughts & actions & that will with practice teach you some tolerance & help you let go a bit

You carry a terrible burden being PA, it's very stressful & an enormous waste of energy...

You don't want to become labelled as being hot headed/ over reacter either by yourself or by others...you need to learn to help yourself before you have a complete identity crises.. & OP It ain't gonna happen overnight.. be patient & give yourself credit along the way

You need to work on it & practice constantly...read some books.. here are some suggestions

Eckhart Tolle- The power of now
Dali Lama- the path to a meaningful existance / happiness (something like it)
Dr Tony Humphries- who's life are you living...

NLP / therapy also if it's causing you distress in your life & relationships

I hope this helps you...:D