Would really appreciate some direction advice..

LegacyUser

I'm about to go 31. I broke up with my ex of almost 3 years 3 months back. Gonna be as honest as I can here. Broke up cos of it being my first relationship, and didnt have the experience needed to realise what I had. Thought the grass was greener and all that. Since breaking up have spent most weekends being with women I dont fancy, and pray to never see again. My ex was my best friend, aswell as being sexually compatible. I regret not giving the relationship anywhere near what she gave it, always thinking what if, and looking at other girls.
Ive just started a new career at college so am really enjoying the college life and meeting lots of new people. Thing is I fancy a few girls out of the class aswell as lots of others when I'm out. But how long would it take to find something close to what I had again. Mostly fancy those sexually anyway, couple of polish girls who I wouldnt be able to talk intellectually with etc, younger girls who are at a different place in their lives, etc etc, not relationship material.
So basically since I broke up I have been training again, studying, partying, generally feeling good about myself and then bang, about 2 or 3 weeks ago its like I completely regressed and was timewarped back to being fixatedly obsessively inlove with my ex again.
When I think of her with another fella it feels like Ive been winded by a punch in the lower stomach.
Heres the thing, during the 3 years we were together I broke up with her for 3-4 months and went through this exact run mentally. Every thought is occupied by her now, I cant study, just as previously I couldnt work. It feels more like Ive just been on a holiday or something and now am going 'home' to her.
I realise I'm being selfish. But maybe theres a way to sort myself out and be with her. Does every man in a relationship want to know what if? What happens when a pretty girl smiles at you in a bar? How do you control the unhappiness that comes with not ever doing anything about it? Is this really a case of loving someone enough to let them go for fear of hurting them? Wont they inevitably be hurt? Should I just stop panicking and put my head down until I have my career sorted again(when I qualify in a few years), and try to enjoy the single life? Should I go out on more sober dates? Is it wrong to have my ex as a subconscious benchmark? Maybe the right girl hasnt come along yet? Am I wasting my ex's time? Did you ever get the feeling you werent finished learning or training or making yourself as good as you will ever get in life, and so couldnt settle down or be 'chained' to a relationship?
I'm hoping from reading this someone will see a familiar theme to somewhere theyve been before and point me in the right direction. Hope it wasnt a bad read.

Kevster

Hey,

I also broke up with my first girlfriend because I wanted to 'try' things out with other girls. I was too confidant and actually regretted breaking-up with her a few minutes after I did it. However, I was too stubborn at the time to admit it and she soon hooked-up with another guy (whom she is now married too). Anyway, the feelings that you have for her will fade away with time, but I think that what you should do for the moment is erase all forms of contact that you have with her. I found that this is the best way to get over an ex.

Focus on your own life too. You have potential to be great, but you have to focus.

lostinnappies

you are grieving for the loss of a very good friend... however if she was the "one" you would not have broken up in the first place ... its not fair to her to get back with her if you're not going to commit 100000%.

petethebrick

Yeah you should leave the past as it is I reckon. The fact that you broke up with her once before in a similiar fashion would indicate that you probably would again.....no?
Yeah, for a while you will compare the new girls you meet to your ex but thats just part of life....you'll move on eventually. So basically just suck it up and get out there enjoying life again. Good luck!

Rosita

Having gone out with someone for almost three years there obviously will be a lot of emotional baggage as well as an unwitting pyschological dependence on them which will naturally take quite a while to filter out of the system.

Put simply, you did a lot of 'stuff' together and it is inevitable that you will miss doing this. But the 'grass is greener' thing works both ways and perhaps now that she is on the 'other side', that grass appears greener than it actually was too? You broke up for a reason after all. You failed to give it as much as she did for a reason. Have those reasons gone away? It seems unlikely.

What I don't get is the apparent desire to hurtle straight into a 'relationship'. Why not just enjoy people's company for what it's worth. You don't have to write people off just because it will not be a great meeting of the intellects leading to some idealised endgame.

People at 20/21 are entitled to be 20/21 and yes, they are at a different stage and are relatively immature with a far different and distorted sense of proportion to someone ten years older. But you know the score and perhaps you can just chill and meet different people and enjoy that without looking for the killer relationship every time, especially since you are not ready to settle down.

Wibbs

Rosita wrote: »

You failed to give it as much as she did for a reason. Have those reasons gone away? It seems unlikely.

That's the crux of this. If things have changed well then the second time around can be even better than the first. If not? Well that's why most second go relationships fail.