finding it hard to get back into the social scene

LegacyUser

Regular here but going unreg for this.

I was in a long term relationship which ended last march. A few months ago I was going out with a new person, this ended a while ago due to uncontrollable circumstances.

I havn't been going out, I feel very depressed one day and then kindof ok the next. Im going out next weekend on a night out, and Im really dreading it. I won't drink, becasue tbh I don't know what I'd be tempted to do. I wont know too many people there, and will be put in a situation where I will have to make small talk to people, etc.

I used to be so outgoing, I feel a shell of my former self. In social situations I want my clothes to swallow me up and to just disappear. Whats the point in making an effort to chat to people, when Im not happy, and when this will show, leading to the arkward situation of 'are you alright?' questions.

Im still trying to get over the person who I stopped seeing last march, I thought I was over him but it's all coming back to me - I seem to forget the things he did and only focus on the good times. To make matters worse, the guy who I was seeing recently wont stop texting me etc, dont get me wrong I really like him but it was all too much too soon.

I am also loosing someone very colse to me at the moment. I just cant seem to motivate myself to do anything, getting up in the morning is a battle, and each little thing in the day is a struggle. I have to force myself to eat, to talk to my friends and to act ok.

I feel if i can just get through this night next weekend I'll be able to prove that Im not that bad and that I can still hold a conversation. Any advice please to make this happen would be a huge help.

Thanks for reading.

Liam Byrne

Lots of vague-ish pointers in there.....

"ended a while ago due to uncontrollable circumstances" - I haven't ever seen many "uncontrollable circumstances", and I've been around a while. Circumstances can be dealt with, if you want to.

"I don't know what I'd be tempted to do" - like what ? Jump someone ? Drink too much and make a fool of yourself like most people seem to do ?

"I seem to forget the things he did and only focus on the good times" - always happens. We've all done this. But what were the things he did ? Were they really that bad ? If so, you're better off without him, and if not, could ye get back together ?

"To make matters worse, the guy who I was seeing recently wont stop texting me etc, dont get me wrong I really like him but it was all too much too soon. " - why's that worse ? Explain to him what you're going through (which has probably understandably magnified in your eyes due to the "losing someone close"). Y'see, while ye mightn't ever get together, at least it shows that he cares.

"I'll be able to prove that Im not that bad and that I can still hold a conversation" - that's a perfect description of EVERYONE in the world. How many people who'll be there will be going through what you are ? You'll never know. No-one has a perfect life or job or relationship, but we all hide the ups and downs and drag ourselves out of it in order to escape and have some fun at weekends and meet people.

Things can sometimes be too much to bear, in which case counselling, etc, can help, but the fact is that at any given party at least 50% will be going through the same motions as you.

So get out there, enjoy yourself, maybe meet someone new (as a friend or more).....and best of luck!

LegacyUser

Just typed a reply and I lost it, sorry. heres what I can remember:

"ended a while ago due to uncontrollable circumstances" - I haven't ever seen many "uncontrollable circumstances", and I've been around a while. Circumstances can be dealt with, if you want to.

Believe me, this was down to circumstances out of my hands.

"I don't know what I'd be tempted to do" - like what ? Jump someone ? Drink too much and make a fool of yourself like most people seem to do ?

Id be more afraid of breaking down in front of everyone tbh, and if i was in a terrible mood and drunk honestly im not sure what I may do.

"I seem to forget the things he did and only focus on the good times" - always happens. We've all done this. But what were the things he did ? Were they really that bad ? If so, you're better off without him, and if not, could ye get back together ?

yes, they were bad. He has a girlfriend and seems to be happy with her, but if he rang me in the morning i'd jump at a chance to be with him again. I think im still in love with him, and knowing he has cut me out of his life completly really hurts.

"To make matters worse, the guy who I was seeing recently wont stop texting me etc, dont get me wrong I really like him but it was all too much too soon. " - why's that worse ? Explain to him what you're going through (which has probably understandably magnified in your eyes due to the "losing someone close"). Y'see, while ye mightn't ever get together, at least it shows that he cares.

I know he would undertand - he is an unbelievable, caring guy. Somehow I just cant bring myself to say anything to him. Im afraid of hurting him.

Thanks for the advice and luck, the way things are going im going to need it.

IanCurtis

It's very soon since your break-up. Of course you're gonna do stupid things and struggle to keep going, but you know you will.

I'd leave this new guy alone and try, try, try to keep yourself going. I know what it's like, believe me. It will pass, but it takes time. Getting yourself a new guy won't help.

It will get better and you're not alone.

Tackleberrywho

Unregistered wrote: »

Regular here but going unreg for this.

I was in a long term relationship which ended last march. A few months ago I was going out with a new person, this ended a while ago due to uncontrollable circumstances.

I havn't been going out, I feel very depressed one day and then kindof ok the next. Im going out next weekend on a night out, and Im really dreading it. I won't drink, becasue tbh I don't know what I'd be tempted to do. I wont know too many people there, and will be put in a situation where I will have to make small talk to people, etc.

I used to be so outgoing, I feel a shell of my former self. In social situations I want my clothes to swallow me up and to just disappear. Whats the point in making an effort to chat to people, when Im not happy, and when this will show, leading to the arkward situation of 'are you alright?' questions.

Im still trying to get over the person who I stopped seeing last march, I thought I was over him but it's all coming back to me - I seem to forget the things he did and only focus on the good times. To make matters worse, the guy who I was seeing recently wont stop texting me etc, dont get me wrong I really like him but it was all too much too soon.

I am also loosing someone very colse to me at the moment. I just cant seem to motivate myself to do anything, getting up in the morning is a battle, and each little thing in the day is a struggle. I have to force myself to eat, to talk to my friends and to act ok.

I feel if i can just get through this night next weekend I'll be able to prove that Im not that bad and that I can still hold a conversation. Any advice please to make this happen would be a huge help.

Thanks for reading.

I have'nt had a relationship longer than 4 months, and I'm 28. What does that say about me??

I'm not bad looking, some might say fun to be around, but I work anti-social hours! I only have a few weekends off work a year!
So I feel your pain at a wedding when somebody asks, whats your significant others name....

Pete4779

Unregistered wrote: »

Regular here but going unreg for this.


I havn't been going out, I feel very depressed one day and then kindof ok the next. Im going out next weekend on a night out, and Im really dreading it. I won't drink, becasue tbh I don't know what I'd be tempted to do. I wont know too many people there, and will be put in a situation where I will have to make small talk to people, etc.

One thing that always strikes me, is that the social life or scene you have is about going "out", but basically that means the pubs and bars. A lot of us in ireland are conditioned into thinking it is where social life is and should be, but in reality, the pub and bar social life is a small percentage of what the world is made up of.

You have decided in advance not to drink, which means that you know that it has been perhaps at one point, a support or a crutch for you. TBH, it's a crutch for a lot of people.

Have you thought about developing your social life around your hobbies and interests? These days people do tend to focus on work and fun, and fun comes down to the pub. If that only happen infrequently, and you already know it involves drinking, a lot of anxiety can come from there.

What do you do for fun? There are two parts to drinking socially: the reduction of anxiety, but also the disinhibition it brings after that happens. I would say to go for a small time, perhaps 2 hrs at most. Talk to people, and then go home. Leave it there and don't try and compress all your need to socialise into one big ball of pub talk. Have a plan the next day to do something else, in the daytime.