Why aren't I sure??

LegacyUser

I’ve been seeing an English guy for over a year. We met online and have been doing long distance. He’s a really nice person and has so many of the qualities you would want in a boyfriend. He’s very kind, reasonable, not at all jealous and just generally supportive of me.

It hasn’t been a plain sailing year. We’ve had a few issues, most of which have been solved through communicating better with each other. I think we have coped quite well with long distance.

What’s bothering me though is I’m not sure if he’s the guy for me. He’s very happy with me but I just don’t know. I think part of the problem is that we met online. I’m not sure if I’m attracted to him. I usually can see the positives in someone’s physical appearance and because of that find it quite easy to “fancy” someone. But when I look at my boyf, I just can’t figure out if I fancy him or not.

He’s quite affectionate and touchy but I’m not like that at all. As this is my first real relationship I’m not sure if me not being affectionate is just how I am or if it’s because he’s not right for me. I know he’d love me to be more affectionate and I keep trying to do better when we are together.

We see each other at once a month, sometimes more often. When I see him it takes me a while for me to get used to him. I have to get used to how he talks, the things he says. It’s like getting to know him all over again. I wonder if that’s a bit strange?

One thing I’ve noticed is that, I think we get on better together when we are in the UK rather than in Ireland. I think he prefers it when I come over there too.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think, “Is this right?.” We do have a really good time together and I suppose that’s what’s stopped me from ending it.

The other thing I should say is that I’m going to university next year. This is the first window of opportunity we’ve had to be in the same country. I have applied to the city where he is living (and to a uni in Ireland). I’m anxious to resolve the conflict in my own mind so that I can make a decision. I wouldn’t be going to the UK purely for him. But he would be part of it. My other reasons would be, I think the course there would suit me and city life would give me a chance to spread my wings.

I have told him that I’m not sure. I don’t want to mislead him. He thinks everything will be ok and that perhaps some of my own personal issues are causing me to feel so unsure and unsettled.

I suppose I’m wondering what all of your opinions are. If I’m being silly for continuing this when I have doubts. Thanks

Annie Bananie

If you cant answer if you are sure if you should be with him, try and ask the opposite: Can you see yourself happy without him?
After a year, in my personal opinion, you should know.

MagicMarker

This is your first real relationship so you've decided to settle for what's easiest.

It's been over a year already, if at this stage you don't know if you're attracted to this guy then you're not attracted to him, do you him a favour and end it. He's not your boyfriend, he's your friend who you have sex with once a month. You're leading him on to believe there's something there when it's not, not for you anyway.

jaybo1

MagicMarker wrote: »

This is your first real relationship so you've decided to settle for what's easiest.

It's been over a year already, if at this stage you don't know if you're attracted to this guy then you're not attracted to him, do you him a favour and end it. He's not your boyfriend, he's your friend who you have sex with once a month. You're leading him on to believe there's something there when it's not, not for you anyway.

how are you still posting here with your opinionated advice. OP said nothing about sex. Did you get excited? you know it all it seems.

Anyway, maybe he is not the guy for you OP, but you seem to like him. Just give it time and when you go to uni try and keep in touch. You will maybe find out soon then if it is meant to be. But let him know if you have doubts. Talk to him.

MagicMarker

jaybo1 wrote: »

how are you still posting here with your opinionated advice. OP said nothing about sex. Did you get excited? you know it all it seems.

Anyway, maybe he is not the guy for you OP, but you seem to like him. Just give it time and when you go to uni try and keep in touch. You will maybe find out soon then if it is meant to be. But let him know if you have doubts. Talk to him.

Yes, I know everything.... EEVEERYYYTHINGGG!!! How's that for opinionated?

Yes, she does like him, I like my mother. See what I did there? ''Like'' alone is not a good enough reason to be with someone. Attraction is pretty much the first thing to arise in the development of a new relationship, if after a year you still don't know if you're attracted to someone, then quite frankly... you're not!

Now, call me a cynic, but I don't believe you can be in a relationship with someone you're not attracted to, it's a basic human need when it comes to things like that. I also don't think you can have a healthy sexual relationship with someone you're not attracted to, which is a hugely important factor in a relationship.

As for uni, unlike you, I don't think she should just jump right and ''see how it goes''. 30% of the reason she's chosen that university is because of the course, the rest is because her boyfriend is there. In these kind of circumstances, that's not a good way of choosing to move out of the country and practically start a new life.

Personally, if she decides to go, I see her realising that she is in fact not attracted to her boyfriend, a break up will ensue, his life will be ruined and she'll be all alone with absolutely no friends or family in a Uni she doesn't want to be in anymore.

This is her first real relationship, with a man from another country she met on the internet. So I'm going to assume she's young with little confidence when it comes to the opposite sex. She met this guy, they shared secrets, she loved his attentiveness, she loved being ''with'' him, this all came together in the guise of a relationship. She loved being his girlfriend, being a girlfriend, she loved that she could talk to him etc etc. She didn't 'know' if she was attracted to him or not, but at such an early stage it didn't matter, she was overcome with everything else. As time goes by, everything else, that new relationship feeling, fades away, and the attraction or lack thereof takes centre stage. She carries on hoping, telling herself it will get better, because if she doesn't, she won't be his gf anymore, she won't be a girlfriend anymore.

Now that last paragraph is full of assumptions, i accept that I may be wrong, but i'd bet money that I'm not.

Just my 2p.

Wibbs

Have to agree with MM on this one. Yes there's all sorts of presumption going on here, but I would be surprised if a goodly proportion of it was wrong.

Too many are in bad relationships, or at least relationships that are not moving forward in a mutually healthy way, or are on them for the wrong reasons. I would say that after a year the chances are you would know, yay or nay. Now given this is largely a relationship by remote control, that adds to the confusion. It can be easy to fall into the trap of making it more than it is. Yes you like this guy and it has fulfilled a need on you in certain circumstances but those circumstances are about to change. A good relationship will change with them. A good relationship is adaptable.

I just get the feeling the OP's situation is based on more shaky ground. The lack of affection, touchy feely etc is not a good sign. I've known people who claim to be like that and yes some are to some degree or other, but they usually become more touchy and affectionate with people they truly gel with.

That this is the OP's first real relationship adds to that. She's not practiced in the dynamics of relationships. That takes time to figure out. This relationship could simply be a comfortable practice run at the real deal. I would think long and hard about what your next step is.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies so far.

Just to clarify a few things. I'm 21. I consider him to be my first real boyfriend but I have had experiences in the past with men. (Bad experiences.. but c'est la vie). I really dont think that I'm with him just because I like having a boyfriend. I'm not afraid of being single.

I really dont want to hurt him. Sometimes I feel like I'm using him.. That I'm enjoying (for want of a better word) all his good traits without really making a commitment to him. Every few months, I go a bit nuts and have to say "Aaagh I'm not sure.." We talk about it and he manages to talk me round and make everything ok again. He thinks I'm not letting myself settle down and be happy. I dont know.

My lack of affection worries me too. I just find it very difficult to hug or kiss him.. More so in public. I also get annoyed with his constant desire to kiss me etc and end up pushing him away or not responding.. This is obviously upsetting for him.

Regarding s-e-x, we're both happy with that aspect of things. Unfortunately I cannot take any perscription contraceptives. He's been great about all this and I couldn't ask for anyone more supportive in that respect.

jellie

personally, if i was questioning my relationship regularly i would think that theres something not right in it.

i think what it would come down to is can you see your life without him in it? would you be happy without him?

Wibbs

steelers_fan wrote: »

Just to clarify a few things. I'm 21. I consider him to be my first real boyfriend but I have had experiences in the past with men. (Bad experiences.. but c'est la vie).

Which may be part of it. He's your first nice guy boyfriend, so in a sense he is your first "proper" relationship. Plus if you have had a run of bad experiences the tendency is to continue that, or to go for the opposite "safe" route. That can be fine for a while as you're no used to it, but all too often boredom sets in or a vague sense of not being bothered. Bad relationships are clearly unhealthy, but there is an element of excitement to them too. Not quite knowing where you stand with someone tends to make them more appealing. With your current bloke you know exactly where you stand with him. That's both nice and probably a little boring.

I really dont think that I'm with him just because I like having a boyfriend. I'm not afraid of being single.

Probably not, but why are you with him, if you knwo what I mean? I know some very nice women, dead sound, attractive, etc, but I'm not going out with them. Why? Because the relationship would be missing something for me. Sure it would go ok and would be nice for a time, especially in the early stages but ultimately when that tapered off the lack of compatablity would rear it's ugly head.

I really dont want to hurt him. Sometimes I feel like I'm using him.. That I'm enjoying (for want of a better word) all his good traits without really making a commitment to him.

Maybe you are. Now don't get me wrong I'm not criticising you. What I mean is that after your bad experiences maybe you needed a man who was the opposite of that to give you a feeling for what that was like. We all "use" people, one way or another. In the best sense it's mutually beneficial. In the worst sense it's one sided.

Every few months, I go a bit nuts and have to say "Aaagh I'm not sure.." We talk about it and he manages to talk me round and make everything ok again. He thinks I'm not letting myself settle down and be happy. I dont know.

Maybe he's right. In fact he probably is. There may be a part of you that feels out of sync with the idea of being happy in a relationship or feels you need the "danger" or the unsure feeling. Even if that is correct, it doesnt mean that you need to settle down and be happy with him. Particularly if you're not feeling it as much as you think you should(which I would agree with).

My lack of affection worries me too. I just find it very difficult to hug or kiss him.. More so in public. I also get annoyed with his constant desire to kiss me etc and end up pushing him away or not responding.. This is obviously upsetting for him.

OK jumping on the public thing:) Is it just a general uncomfortable feeling about affection in public or have you ever been affectionate in public with another guy before? If the latter is true, what was different about the other guy? If you've always been like that then that's just who you are and no probs there.

The more he pushes, the more you pull away. That's a natural enough dynamic and common too. It lowers your attraction for him. There's no emotional challenge for you. If you were mad about someone and he pulled away what would you do? You would likely push too as you would want to "fix" that and would feel partially it was because of you. If I was talking to him I would advise him to back off and let you come to him.

Regarding s-e-x, we're both happy with that aspect of things. Unfortunately I cannot take any perscription contraceptives. He's been great about all this and I couldn't ask for anyone more supportive in that respect.

Which again is good of him, but does that make it easier for you to distance yourself slightly in that area?

On paper he sounds great. He sounds like he ticks all the boxes and you should feel lucky to have him. You don't though, IMHO precisely because he ticks all the boxes. Theres no challenge, no dynamic back and forth. It's all coming from him emotion wise. It's too easy. That will bore you long term. I would even say this is more true for women than men. Of course women tend to want a guy who they're sure off, but only 99% sure of. The 1% is what keeps the engine running. The 1% is where they know he has a life and could go and find other women. The 1% is where the passion lies.

I'm probably way off in this and I'm rambling all over here, but I see this guy as a snapback from bad relationships. From one extreme to the other as a way for you to find your feet. This is where your questions stem from. We all ask questions in relationships It's good to do so, but yours seem more like the wrong sort of questions for a good long term commitment.

Maybe ask yourself; Do I find him sexually attractive? Am I socially proud of him? Could I imagine ten years with him?

LegacyUser

What I mean is that after your bad experiences maybe you needed a man who was the opposite of that to give you a feeling for what that was like.

I hadn't really thought of it like that before.

Is it just a general uncomfortable feeling about affection in public or have you ever been affectionate in public with another guy before?

That's a difficult one for me to answer because any previous relationships were basically wrong and secret so there was no public displays of affection.. I didn't realise I found it uncomfortable until I started seeing this guy. Perhaps interestingly, I found it easier to be affectionate at the beginning than I do now.

If I was talking to him I would advise him to back off and let you come to him.

I have asked him to do this many times and I find when he backs off, I feel more comfortable and am more likely to make little gestures of affection. He makes it very easy for me not to be affectionate because he's always so touchy.

Which again is good of him, but does that make it easier for you to distance yourself slightly in that area?

I'm not sure if I totally understand what you mean. All I know is that because of the issues with contraception, we have to plan a little more.

but I see this guy as a snapback from bad relationships. From one extreme to the other as a way for you to find your feet. This is where your questions stem from. We all ask questions in relationships It's good to do so, but yours seem more like the wrong sort of questions for a good long term commitment.

That's an interesting point...

Do I find him sexually attractive?

All I can say to this is that we have good sex. And that's probably not the same thing

Am I socially proud of him?

Umm.. Not always no. He has quite a unique personality which is not everybody's cup of tea. I accept him as he is.. But I have felt embarrased on occasion by things he has said. He's also very academic which can make having a regular everyday conversations difficult. (not for us but when we're in a group of friends)

Could I imagine ten years with him?

Yes I think I can. Although the thought of him proposing is quite scary.