Self centered drivel

LegacyUser · 12-12-2008 7:10pm #1

Hi guys, firstly I want to say thanks for reading this and don't pull any punches. Also sorry if I ramble on but this post will probably just end up being a stream of consciousness from my highly disorganized mind.

Ok first things first - My main problem is that a few months ago I broke up with my GF. We had been going out for 4 months and she was my first real GF (we are both 20) . It's driving me mad because I literally think about her first thing in the morning and last thing before I go to sleep at night. I know it would be stupid of me to expect you guys to give me a reason why she wanted out considering I don't even know that. Personally looking at allot of the problems posted here I think I was probably coming on to keen - I would always change plains just to see her, text her first etc...
At the time I did this because I didn't see the point in playing games and literally enjoyed being with her more than anything else I could possibly have on. I'm starting to think this was a mistake and hopefully something I can learn from (I was very clueless and naive). What really bothers me is that I really liked her and opened up to her like I never would have to anyone else. Being a bit shy and reserved I always thought people really like me when they got to know me better and they usually do. This kind of rejection from the person that knew me best was really devastating.

I thought we got on together really well. We would spend hours talking to each other about everything and had so much in common. We were both probably very awkward (we didn't kiss until the forth date!) But anyway despite what I thought she broke up with me, when she told me I was so confused and shocked that I said so little. She said that it wasn't working and I just said something like yeah and gave her half a hug before making an excuse to get out of the situation. I really wish I had said something more to her or at least asked her why? I haven't seen her or spoken to her since.

Sure their are other girls but nobody that I really like.

I really want to talk to her but feel it's been left too long and wouldn't accomplish anything except making me look pathetic.

After she left I really wanted to improve myself - but I don't know how.
I know I'm going to sound like a big headed bastard but this is how I see myself but maybe others see something else. I'm so lucky - I'm tall pretty, handsome, regular visitor to the gym and have the 6 pack good mussel mass etc. I'm really rich and I have come top of my year ever year so far in collage in the very demanding subject that I study. Why cant I get the girl I want? Why the hell don't I have the confidence to get women? Surely I should be beating them off with a stick? I know I don't sound very modest but honestly I am very down to earth and only mention these things not to brag (because what would be the point on an anonymous forum?) but simply to put my situation in context.

How can I improve myself? I think the only area I'm lacking is social skills and self confidence. I have really pushed hard on this in the last few months and went to events etc where I knew nobody and forced myself to mingle etc. Still it needs more work and I am still alone, still wasting so much of my time and energy obsessing about this one area of my life...

Thanks guys if you managed to make it through that nonsense! I really would love to hear what somebody else thinks because this is the kind of thing I would never tell anyone in the real world.

unhappycamper · 12-12-2008 7:54pm

Sorry to here you broke up up OP, we all know it sucks really bad. The truth is that money, college grades, six packs mean nothing. Inside you there has to be a more spiritual person. Did you think about that or show that side of you to your girlfriend ?

MagicMarker · 12-12-2008 8:02pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I know I'm going to sound like a big headed bastard but this is how I see myself but maybe others see something else. I'm so lucky - I'm tall pretty, handsome, regular visitor to the gym and have the 6 pack good mussel mass etc. I'm really rich and I have come top of my year ever year so far in collage in the very demanding subject that I study. Why cant I get the girl I want? Why the hell don't I have the confidence to get women? Surely I should be beating them off with a stick? I know I don't sound very modest but honestly I am very down to earth and only mention these things not to brag (because what would be the point on an anonymous forum?) but simply to put my situation in context.

If you really think all this about yourself then you more than likely come across quite up yourself. It doesn't matter how big your muscles are or how much is in your bank account, women don't like it.

No offense, but you sound delusional to me, top of the class every year in college but yet you can't spell simple words? Sorry, I don't buy that.

LegacyUser · 12-12-2008 8:02pm

We all go throuh it.

The giref cycle:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

I for one broke up with my second girlfreind a couple of months ago.
We'd been giong out 2.5 years, and I never knew what I had until she left.
We get on great now though, as sort of awkward friends. But it's going to hurt when I see her with a new guy.

Chin up, it's REALLY not that bad. Chalk it up to experience. There is no such thing as "the one" and if there is then you could never know unless you've been with lots of others.

Find a new girl. You're young, much younger than me, use it.

Kidchameleon · 12-12-2008 8:05pm

"...and I just said something like yeah and gave her half a hug before making an excuse to get out of the situation"

I think you handeled that pretty well, she had obviously made up her mind and instead of acting desperate you just let her go on her way, fair play to you. I understand how much this is hurting you and I dont wanna sound cliche but give it time and you WILL get over it, and get out there and meet people as a better more experienced man!

Go for it!!

Wibbs · 12-12-2008 8:11pm

I agree you didnt act desperate. Good call, though were or are you emotionally distant? I dunno.

I'll say this, the guy I've seen with the most success with women of all shapes makes and flavours, works a mundane job, has sod all disposable, the only six pack he has is in the fridge, and he's as pretty(btw strange term to use) as a bulldog licking p*ss off a nettle. He's very grounded emotionally though and he actually likes women.

LegacyUser · 12-12-2008 8:31pm

unhappycamper wrote: »

Sorry to here you broke up up OP, we all know it sucks really bad. The truth is that money, college grades, six packs mean nothing. Inside you there has to be a more spiritual person. Did you think about that or show that side of you to your girlfriend ?

Thanks for the reply unhappycamper

I'm really not sure - I thought I did but maybe I was too worried about what she would think? I really wouldn't consider myself a superficial person but I am worried that I don't project an accurate representation of who I really am to other people?

MagicMarker wrote: »

If you really think all this about yourself then you more than likely come across quite up yourself. It doesn't matter how big your muscles are or how much is in your bank account, women don't like it.

No offense, but you sound delusional to me, top of the class every year in college but yet you can't spell simple words? Sorry, I don't buy that.

Hi MagicMarker,

Maybe I do come across like this. I said in my original post that this is how I see myself and maybe not how others see me. I may very well be delusional but I want people to understand I can only portray the situation from my point of view. I really wouldn't consciously lie here because as I said before what would be the point?

Thanks for calling it like you see it mate

Kidchameleon wrote: »

"...and I just said something like yeah and gave her half a hug before making an excuse to get out of the situation"

I think you handeled that pretty well, she had obviously made up her mind and instead of acting desperate you just let her go on her way, fair play to you. I understand how much this is hurting you and I dont wanna sound cliche but give it time and you WILL get over it, and get out there and meet people as a better more experienced man!

Go for it!!

Thanks Kidchameleon - First thing I did was delete all our text messages (which I had backed up being the soppy fool I was) and deleted her number from my phone. I often think she probably doesn't realize how much it annoyed me seeing as I immediately cut all contact.
I have met lots of people - just not really clicked with them. You are right though at least now I have a bit more experience and sense.

sfy5g wrote: »

We all go throuh it.

The giref cycle:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

I for one broke up with my second girlfreind a couple of months ago.
We'd been giong out 2.5 years, and I never knew what I had until she left.

We get on great now though, as sort of awkward friends. But it's going to hurt when I see her with a new guy.

Chin up, it's REALLY not that bad. Chalk it up to experience. There is no such thing as "the one" and if there is then you could never know unless you've been with lots of others.

Find a new girl. You're young, much younger than me, use it.

Hi sfy5g;58246546, sorry to hear about your GF.

I think everything you said there seems pretty spot on and thanks for the reply.

Karen_* · 12-12-2008 8:55pm

It doesn't always have to that you've done something wrong OP. I have a v goodlooking, muscular, millionaire friend with a cracking sense of humour and he's a lovely man. But I'm not interested in him. And just as well since he's not interested in me either:p

Maybe the chemistry just wasn't there for her? Its really common to be mad about someone and for them not to feel the same. It makes you feel less than but thats simply not true. You wren't right for each other and the important thing is to try and not be down on yourself about it. You sound great and like a lovely bloke. And I've taken your list of things you have going for you exactly in the context you mean them unlike some!:pac:

You did nothing wrong. Its not always about having done something wrong and its definately not about not being good enough. You just didn't fit together and she realised first.

LegacyUser · 12-12-2008 9:17pm

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree you didnt act desperate. Good call, though were or are you emotionally distant? I dunno.

Hi Wibbs, having read many of your other replies to peoples posts I have been looking forward to your input.

Maybe I am emotionally distant? I always feel like I have to live up to some stupid image I have created for myself in my head. I always have to do the smart and prudent thing in front of my parents, appear physically tough to certain friends etc

Wibbs wrote: »

I'll say this, the guy I've seen with the most success with women of all shapes makes and flavours, works a mundane job, has sod all disposable, the only six pack he has is in the fridge, and he's as pretty(btw strange term to use) as a bulldog licking p*ss off a nettle. He's very grounded emotionally though and he actually likes women.

Sorry you misunderstood what I meant by pretty because I placed the comma in the wrong place and couldn't edit it. What I meant to say was pretty handsome (although I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I probably do love myself just a little

)

I think your right about being grounded emotionally and it is something I really aspire to achieve myself. Just to clarify what do you mean by "he actually likes women"?

Thanks for the reply

Karen_* wrote: »

It doesn't always have to that you've done something wrong OP. I have a v goodlooking, muscular, millionaire friend with a cracking sense of humour and he's a lovely man. But I'm not interested in him. And just as well since he's not interested in me either:p

Maybe the chemistry just wasn't there for her? Its really common to be mad about someone and for them not to feel the same. It makes you feel less than but thats simply not true. You wren't right for each other and the important thing is to try and not be down on yourself about it. You sound great and like a lovely bloke. And I've taken your list of things you have going for you exactly in the context you mean them unlike some!:pac:

You did nothing wrong. Its not always about having done something wrong and its definately not about not being good enough. You just didn't fit together and she realised first.

Hi Karen,
Thanks for your well thought out reply. I have to say that response really made me feel much better. It's nice that I can talk to you all like this because I really don't think I could be this open with somebody I know in real life.

Karen_* · 13-12-2008 12:06am

I'm glad you feel a little better. You probably did nothing wrong. But its only natural to feel crap when you've been broken up with and to start thinking you've ten heads or something. Don't start disliking yourself or feeling that you put people off because thats rubbish. When you feel awful you wouldn't notice anyway if someone was eyeing you up because you're far too busy feeling awful.

Its her loss. Think of it that way. She couldn't or wouldn't see how special you are but she's not the be all and end all. Get back out there and have fun and meet people. And if you feel that there are things you would like to change then change them. For yourself. Don't change who you are for someone else or try to become someone you're not.

unhappycamper · 13-12-2008 2:42am

Unregistered wrote: »

I really don't think I could be this open with somebody I know in real life.

Exactly my point, learn to be, allow yourself to be, what have you got to lose if you are? Let go, enjoy the ride, laugh at what you say, others will laugh with you not against you, be intimate, be silly , be funny be wild whatever just don't hold back if you don't want to.

Wibbs · 13-12-2008 10:52am

Unregistered wrote: »

Maybe I am emotionally distant? I always feel like I have to live up to some stupid image I have created for myself in my head. I always have to do the smart and prudent thing in front of my parents, appear physically tough to certain friends etc

That could be part of it. It can come across as forced or false. Not in the pretentious sense, more you come over as out of sync with yourself. That wouldn't thow someone at first, but a few months of that might. I know it has with me and women I've gone out with. I've seen them in one way and after a while I felt a disconnect between who they actually were and what their public persona was. Then again that could be just a personal thing for me to be uncomfortable around.

Sorry you misunderstood what I meant by pretty because I placed the comma in the wrong place and couldn't edit it. What I meant to say was pretty handsome (although I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I probably do love myself just a little )

Makes more sense in fairness:)

I think your right about being grounded emotionally and it is something I really aspire to achieve myself.

It's a biggy. It takes time too. It also takes the right methods and work. Too many focus on the outward and not enough on the inner person. You can have too much of the opposite too. Too much focus on the inner and not enough on the practical. Navel gazing types. Balance in everything I suppose.

Just to clarify what do you mean by "he actually likes women"?

Simply that he likes women. Many men think or claim they do but don't. Like the old joke, "why do women have boobs? So men will talk to them" types. He would hang around and engage with them regardless of whether he was getting nookie time. He doesn't fall into friend zone though. He would be clear in what he wants. A lot of guys have women "friends" that they secretly want to jump. Not the same. They wouldn't hang around with them if they were men. Despite protestations, they're more interested in what's between the woman's legs than what's between her ears. Women pick up on this and will either keep them around for the ego boost or just go off them.

It's hard to say what the issue is. I mean on paper you should be beating them off with a shítty stick. There's something about you or your personality that puts them off or probably more so, doesn't make you approachable. I say the latter as the woman you mentioned who dumped you was just one, so I wouldn't base much on that.

As a matter of interest, is that lassie seeing someone new? If she is what's he like? I found it useful for me in the past to see what an important exes next guy was like, because that can often be a template for what she felt she wasn't getting from me. Sometimes it was just incompatibility, sometimes they were just after novelty, but sometimes it gave me food for thought, into areas where I could improve myself for myself.

unhappycamper · 13-12-2008 12:42pm

Wibbs wrote: »

As a matter of interest, is that lassie seeing someone new? If she is what's he like? I found it useful for me in the past to see what an important exes next guy was like, because that can often be a template for what she felt she wasn't getting from me. Sometimes it was just incompatibility, sometimes they were just after novelty, but sometimes it gave me food for thought, into areas where I could improve myself for myself.

When a guy can see that the girl he really likes is in trouble within her relationship he will steel her from the girls partner with no guilt. My x went off with a very jovial kind of guy ' the guy in the group who has no ego about him and is always laughing and joking and keeping the crew together'. Most of the time relationships end because of circumstances and often in my past I beat my self up for not listening or being more aware. I really believe that love is understanding and love is forgiving and when people break up it's not up to either sex to blame themselves or change their ways (unless they were abusive or something extreme). Some relationships are like candles and when in them we both see the candle burning down, it's just up to one of us to call it a day when the flame is gone.

Wibbs · 13-12-2008 1:29pm

unhappycamper wrote: »

When a guy can see that the girl he really likes is in trouble within her relationship he will steel her from the girls partner with no guilt.

You see I don't entirely agree with that. No one can steal something that is secure. No guy no matter how suave can steal a woman who is in love(or a man for that matter). They let themselves be diverted because the emotional payback of going for someone new is higher than the emotional wrench of leaving. It doesn't have to be by much either. Unless the person in question is a daft as a brush and easily led, in which case bullet dodged.

My x went off with a very jovial kind of guy ' the guy in the group who has no ego about him and is always laughing and joking and keeping the crew together'.

Which may be what she wanted emotionally/socially. A no ego guy, always up for a laugh and socially involved and powerful enough to be the centre of a group orbit is going to be very attractive to women. Those types of men and not those who merely appear to be like that are quite rare too. May have been a less obvious thing though. If you're not that kind of guy, well that's cool, but maybe take a little of that and make it your own in your own way. The lack of ego and being easygoing as an example. I certainly don't mean to change who you are as a person. You're a unique individual, but unique individuals throughout life adapt and change to make themselves better for themselves. They should anyway. Many don't.

Most of the time relationships end because of circumstances

Yes and no. We all have known couples that have overcome crazy circumstances and trials and emerge still together, yet we equally know many more who fall at the first hurdle. What's the diff between those two? OK in the early stages it can go south very easily as people see they're not as compatible as they thought at first, but after that stage and into the long term phase, the strength of the relationship should come from within and from both people. A relationship overly sensitive to outside circumstance is generally not a good one.

and often in my past I beat my self up for not listening or being more aware.

Hey we all do, especially men. How many of your male mates do you hear claim "it was outa the blue, I never saw it coming". The thing is, with the exception of window licking nutjobs who just take a mad notion to leave, it's almost never out of the blue. The signs are/were there and 9 times outa 10 we can see them in retrospect. I personally believe we can learn to see them at the time.

I really believe that love is understanding and love is forgiving

It is, but it also needs feeding. This is the thing a lot miss. You know it's an absolute doddle to fall in love. Piece of píss actually. The law of averages is on your side alone. Remember when you fell in love? effortless. It just happened. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is the hard part. Of course we dont get taught the tools we need to do that. Even fairytales avoid it. "And they lived happily ever after". That's lovely but they never tell us how. Staying in love requires some effort. Staying in love requires effort on ourselves and acceptance of the other. Har to make a movie or fairytale about that though.

and when people break up it's not up to either sex to blame themselves or change their ways (unless they were abusive or something extreme).

You see I think it is. Being abusive etc is the extreme and most aren't. It's the less extreme parts that cause the issues 90% of the time. I think when a relationship fails, after the initial shock it is good for the soul/psyche to examine ones own part in it. We may find through honest appraisal that it was simply compatibility or bad timing that was the issue. Sometimes we may find it was something in us that would be healthier for us to leave behind for our own sake. I think a relationship lost is never good. A relationship lost without finding out about ourselves in the process is very sad and a waste. People talk much about soulmates. I think soulmates are those who teach us something about ourselves. Something we may not have seen without them in our lives. Good and bad. People cling to the good things love tells us but shy away from the bad. In the bad we can often find a healthier way forward. Looking back I've had soulmates that I didn't realise at the time. They taught me so much more than I realised and although painful at the time, I'm very grateful they were in my life, for however long or short a time. I hope I helped them too(even if they don't know it).

Some relationships are like candles and when in them we both see the candle burning down, it's just up to one of us to call it a day when the flame is gone.

That's true too.

unhappycamper · 13-12-2008 1:41pm

Very well said, looking back now my biggest weakness is feeding the love. I am terrible at that, I get complacent and lazy and forget just how important it is to feed the relationship/girl love and respect. Looking back now that is and has always been my greatest fault. It is a no wonder my relationships always seem to end the same way, I noticed a pattern but can't put my finger on it. Now I can thankfully. I get to the 2 year mark happily and then everything falls by the waste side. It is so hard when you are trying to concentrate on being independent, successful, running a new business etc.. It's so hard to balance the two. I hope I remember this thread for the rest of my life. I just cant keep doing this to myself.

Wibbs · 13-12-2008 3:08pm

The two year mark is the hard one. With some it'sthe one year mark, others it even gets out to four years. I rememeber reading about some psych behavioral types who looked at various hormonal and pyschological markers and came to the conclusion that all love affairs/in love/romantic love/honeymoon periods end after at most four years. I would agree with that too. If they're living together that period can be shorter, if apart it may stretch a little longer. People will differ of course but in general and in the vast majority of relationships.....

Now clearly people stay together for longer. That can be for many reasons. I suspect if children come along within that time frame the attachment has something else to grab on to and the shared raising of children replaces the romantic love, or smooths the transition into longer attachment. Throughout our biological history that would have been the case more often than not. Others stay together out of simple habit, shared financial attachments or fear of being alone.

The last group and I would say the minority, stay together from companionship, mutual healthy growth and genuine attachment and compatibility. In other words love.

As I say they are the minority. Don't believe me? Well look at divorce stats. The easier it is to get a divorce the higher the divorce rate all things being equal. 50% divorce rate is not uncommon. Indeed IIRC Sweden has a divorce rate near the 70% mark. I am quite sure if everyone was fully independent and children weren't an issue the divorce rate would be closer to 80% rather than 20%. The richer people are and the more independent they are the higher the divorce rate.

Now this is marriage. This is where people actually went to the effort of walking down the aisle and said "I do" and signed the papers. Non marriage everyday relationships are even more likely to go south I reckon(not saying living together couples aren't valid BTW. In some ways I think they are even more so as one can leave easy so more effort is often in play).

Now many who divorce are bloody happy they did, but many end up in second or third marriages where they still feel something is missing. What's missing IMHO is within themselves. Yes they may be meeting incompatible people, but that's coming from themselves as well. We all subconsciously choose who we go for to a large extent, so many kick off on the wrong foot to start with.

I reckon if we get close to the nub of who we are then we can better make the right choices and we can then make the right choices within relationships and hopefully make them healthy ones. Short Oprah Winfrey version? If you have a healthy relationship with yourself your chances of having a healthy relationship with someone else that lasts are significantly higher.

My 2cents anyhoo.

Self centered drivel

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