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Barbie's letter to Santa

  • 12-12-2008 12:48pm
    #1
    Hagar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,793 ✭✭✭✭


    Dear Santa:

    Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
    at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
    frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and
    I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
    There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
    gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
    be around to smell it).

    So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm
    sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
    gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
    crawling up your butt?

    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
    bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear
    to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

    3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
    wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
    If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
    anatomically correct;

    4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
    away once he is anatomically correct;

    5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
    get it done;

    6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

    7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
    a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a
    hooker....for goodness sake!

    8. A new, more '2008 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
    a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
    a bag of chips;
    "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake
    fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
    Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;

    9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

    10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok,
    Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't
    think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find
    yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

    Up yours truly,

    Barbie


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