Headwrecked

LegacyUser

Hey - I would normally be the last person to post something personal on an online forum but my head is melted and just looking for peoples views....I'm doin a form of postgrad course in Dublin at the moment. Classes are divided into quite small numbers. My problem is...wait for it...a girl in my class. I'd have been a bit of a jack-the-lad - women-wise in the past, but this girl just blows my mind and i'd honestly be happy if she was the last girl i was ever with! She has however, got a boyfriend. Normally that'd be 'back-off' territory. But i know she has strong feelings for me - and though we get on great, its always like this big elephant in the room between us. I can't get her out of my head but i can't very well just broach the subject cause despite what she feels i reckon she'd freak a little bit and stick with the relative 'safety' of her current relationship despite the fact that they're having problems....so what do i do!!?

jellie

You cop on.

She has a boyfriend. If she wanted you over the boyfriend shed break up with him. regardless of your feelings for her, have some respect for her relationship.

Sephiroth_dude

Unregistered wrote: »

But i know she has strong feelings for me

How do you she has feelings for you?did she tell you?

conceited

but this girl just blows my mind and i'd honestly be happy if she was the last girl i was ever with!

ya and when she finds that out she will dump you too.
Shes not miss perfect !!!!!!!!!! You've alot of growing up to do young man

Iang87

Unregistered wrote: »

i'd honestly be happy if she was the last girl i was ever with!

i dunno if you would man she would definitely be a different girlfriend than she is friend just like you'd be a different boyfriend than friend. Also man you gotta back up from their relationship otherwise if they do break up etc she could blame you if itturns out to be the wrong decision on her part

LegacyUser

As cold as this sounds people leave people all the time for other people. Im not saying its right or the OP should encourage it but it does happen.

If you want the girl then just keep doing what you're doing- eventually the tension will become too much and you'll find out one way or the other.

Its not the stuff of romance novels but I dont have enough fingers or toes to count the amount of women I know who left their BF for a new guy- ok some of them broke up, left it a month or 2, then started going out with the new guy so they could deny it but the seed was well and truly planted while she was with her ex

jen_23

If she breaks up for this guy for you chances are the relationship was already going south and you'l be no more than a rebound.... ie you would have been a way out and a crutch to help her get over the relationship.

cantdecide

sar84 wrote: »

You cop on

:rolleyes:Chillax- if he wants to be a jerk, he's quite entitled to and he doesn't need your approval.

OP, you will have to be jerk if you want to pursue this. Minor flirting could be as much interest as she has in you and you could do yourself a lot of damage if you come clean.

LegacyUser

jen_23 i disaggree that he will be no more than a rebound.

how do you know this? By the sounds of it there are feelings between the OP and this girl.

I know plenty of relationships that have split due to a girls interest in someone else.

starface

A similar thing happened me but i am the girl. I was goinng out with this boy five months and one of my best friends decided to declare his love for me. I hadn't the same feelings for him (although i had madly fancied him in the past). I took everything he said with a pince of salt and talked it through with him. I still just think he was lonely and just let small feelings get the better of him. Me and this boy are still great friends despite the odd awkward moment but he meant too much to me as a friend to let it ruin our friendship. Me and my boyfriend of that time have since broke up as he wasn't the right boy either although i had thought different at one stage. SO what i saying is, what ever you do... if its goes badly there is always the future and time.. I think we should live for the moment and not drag it out for the year!!1

Give it some time ...maybe she just going through a loved up early stages with her boyfriends and more than likely it won't last. If it does, clearly you're not the boy for her...as harsh as that sound!

If her boyfriends is long term, things are a little different in my opinion. sometimes we get stuck in roots and althought we have strong feels for her boyfriends he may not be the boy for her or maybe he is the love of her life.

i seem to be in twom inds here.... thats because i am..there is no right answer but know that girls flirt woth boys even though there is no real feelings there. its not to be mean its just how things are

Loxosceles

OP, I am a woman, and I think that taking her out for a nice private coffee and baring all in such a way that you make yourself vulnerable, will definitely get her interest. Nobody responds in a hostile fashion when someone actually gets vulnerable and honest, and if they don't feel they have to cover or save face, which is why it needs to be private.

" I know I have been a bit of a womaniser myself before and I know you're with someone, and I don't mean any disrespect for your relationship, but I want you to know that I have very strong feelings for you, more than I've felt for any woman I've actually been with...and if you ever wanted to pursue them, I'll be happy to wait for you."

That would set her agog, I'm sure.

Annie Bananie

It has happened a million times before that people have broken up with their bf/gf to be with another person. And Im very sure it will happen a million times again. And I doubt all these new relationships were all rebounds.

OP - until she breakes up with her bf you cant do much but be her friend.
If she does not know how you feel and you want her to, you can tell her. Its her choice to stay with her bf or if she wants to be with you. I can not see how you interfear in their relationship when you are not a part of it. You can never make her leave her bf, I bet she has her own will.

However if you do tell her and she does not feel the same, you might lose her as a friend. Not saying you will, but it could happen if it gets awkward.

Good luck

Wibbs

Annie Bananie wrote: »

It has happened a million times before that people have broken up with their bf/gf to be with another person. And Im very sure it will happen a million times again. And I doubt all these new relationships were all rebounds.

True, it depends on a lot of factors. If it's a major "real love" relationship and happens right after the chances are high that its in rebound territory. If not, play ball.

I would agree with some of the other posters that the boyfriend is not that much of an issue. OK that may get some hackles up and yes if he was a mate, if she shows no interest and you keep pursuing then or you actively try to break them up that's a no no. Most of the women I've known have gone from one relationship to the next, especially when young. Attractive women who are outgoing are in general rarely single for long. May as well be you who is next up. In the end of the day she is an individual and it's up to her. Nobody can break up a good relationship.

Loxosceles wrote:

OP, I am a woman, and I think that taking her out for a nice private coffee and baring all in such a way that you make yourself vulnerable, will definitely get her interest. Nobody responds in a hostile fashion when someone actually gets vulnerable and honest, and if they don't feel they have to cover or save face, which is why it needs to be private.

" I know I have been a bit of a womaniser myself before and I know you're with someone, and I don't mean any disrespect for your relationship, but I want you to know that I have very strong feelings for you, more than I've felt for any woman I've actually been with...and if you ever wanted to pursue them, I'll be happy to wait for you."

That would set her agog, I'm sure.

I'm not so sure. The accepted wisdom of grand romantic gestures sounds good in theory and it may work with some. It's common in the movies etc and some women may say and even think that's what they want, but what they actually go for can be very different. It would depend on the woman of course and might be age dependent too, but in general I would say it's counter productive. It's too easy to look like a sap for a start. While the gist of it is ok, the sentiment may be laying it on a bit thick. For a get go, I would not say I'll be happy to wait for you. Indeed I would suggest never saying that. It will if only slightly lower you in her eyes. It also gives her carte blanche to leave you dangling.

I would as Loxosceles suggests tell her alright. I would make it casual in setting. The coffee idea sounds good. Tell her how you feel, but don't get too gushy. Tell her that you respect her feelings and her relationship, but you wanted her to know how the land lies. See how she reacts. If she's positive then say OK but nothing can happen if you're not single.

My 2 cents anyway

Censorsh!t

I'm not too certain about the whole spilling you're heart to her approach either. It really depends on what kind of person she is. It would personally scare me off. Or for someone else, as Wibbs said, she could take it to her advantage and know she has power over you, but use this power ina bad way, as happens, no matter how nice she may be

complexdude

OP,

how long is she with the boyfriend and how do you know theyre having problems? have you been out with her socially or is it just college stuff? sounds like you should back off and leave her sort things out with the bf.
if it happens well and good.
best of luck!