Some Personal Issues

LegacyUser

Hi, this is basically a rant on how bad things are going for me right now…I’m 20 from the south of the country, and just have the worst habits of driving people away from me. I am highly opinionated and love to express my views…and don’t like the idea of holding them in…but the advantage seems to be that I’ll keep friends. I’ve lost an awful lot of friends through this, and if I don’t express my opinion, I feel that I’m not being myself which doesn’t seem fair to everyone else.

I have a few more issues, like lack of confidence in certain situations like worrying will I appear as some weirdo in front of others…but I am usually fairly sociaiable and don’t really have too many problems. I do have a lot of problems with my image, I don’t like it one bit, and to be honest, I think my figure has more of an oestrogen built hormone system rather than a testosterone, don’t get me wrong, I’m not effeminate, but some of my features like legs and back seem to appear more feminine than they should!? It can’t be undone, so it bugs me…(By the way Im not an effeminate person, straight as a ruler)

I also have an infatuation with a girl I know…I fell out with her over drink, but she doesn’t really know that I feel like this, and we are living in very different locations at the moment. I was never with her, but can’t get her out of my head. I thought the distance thing would benefit me, as I won’t see her again, and contact is extremely limited to nearly none at all, but we are still very good friends…nearly best…and so I can’t possibly get her out of my head. The distance thing seems to have worsened the situation and I find sleep difficult, and loads of other daily activities very hard to date.

So things are really tough at the moment…I also over-react and worry that my friend will “get off” with another person which worries me and I can’t get that worry out of my head. So I’m faced with the difficult decision of whether I should keep her as a friend and hope to move on, or get rid of her as a friend. I do know, thought, that I have no chance with her…I know it.

So I’m a little paranoid in that respect…and so this situations and the above one are making things very difficult for me right now. I’d appreciate as much advice as possible on this.

Cheers!!

Kidchameleon

Hi,

To be honest, I really like people who speak their minds, I find myself drawn to those sort of people. Your only 20, you will learn a lot of social lessons over the next few years, when to hold back, rights and wrongs in certain situations, lessons you can only learn through trial and error. As for the girl, are you so sure you cant get with her? Perhaps its your lack of confidence that is making you think that? If your definite nothing will come of it then you just gotta get her out of your head, go out with friends, see a film, read a book, she wont be the last girl you will think about 24/7!!

Good luck!

cafecolour

Well, being opinionated is fine - I read once that people bond more over common dislikes rather than common interests. However tone and delivery is very important. A lot of opinionated types can come off as grade-school know-it-alls or interminable ranters, often a little too convinced of their own intelligence. So basically, becareful of social skills

So first make sure you're not taking an condescending tone. As one of my friends use to tease her boyfriend, anytime you start a sentence with 'Actually,' it's the hallmark of sounding like know it all.

Phrasing wise, skip "The new james bond sucked ass, how could you like it?" and be a bit more constructive to spark conversasion. Ie "It was okay, but not good as the first. The beginning and ending were awesome, but the middle was a bit too choppy for me, it felt like they tried to put too much in." If the person you are directing this to responds with something (agreement or disagreement, matters not), you have an conversation. If they don't respond or say something vague or non-commital, don't keep on going on the subject.

Also, on that note, aim for converastions with people. If you're trying to loudly hold court with your opinions (ie ranting at the whole table about how much something sucked, especially in response to someone else), you're looking to be the center of attention, not make a personal connection.

Finally, make sure you know what you're talking about. Seriously. Too many people who like to argue or such think they can just BS about anything and get through it. Not so. Even if people don't call you on it, if they catch you talking obviously BS they'll think you a buffoon, and basically write you off for the future - even when you do know what you're talking about. I went through a phase myself where, even not following sports at all, I decided I should be able to make small talk about them if it came up. Just ended up embarassing myself.

Okay, enough of my social skills lecture for today

On your other issues - if you're generally sociable, then don't worry about it when you're not. You can't be 'on' all the time. And don't worry about the effeminate features - I think that's even in these days. You'll attract the girls who are into that.

As to the female friend - you're stuck in limbo hell for fear of losing her. Put it all on the table. If it doesn't happen, then walk away (don't try and stay friends) and come back when you've found someone new and it's no longer raw.

cufroige

GREAT REPLY CAFECOLOUR!!!! Briliant advice:cool:...

Bottle_of_Smoke

Reading the first two paragraphs I was thinking "no problem here, you're just from cork"

Anyway cafecolour posted exactly what I was going to say regarding that, it's all abotu delivery, once you're not highly strung/defensive no one will mind you expressing your views.

As regards the girl. Just tell her. Once you get closure on it you'll stop worrying about her going off with someone else. And you never know, she might like you too.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that advice, it was definitely useful, I'll take it on board.

The thing is tho...when you said "Don't stay friends"...I couldn't get that?? Even if I'm finding things tough as I'm head over heels, she doesn't really know that, so for her sake, I shouldn't lose her as a friend? Get me?

What you think?

SpookyDoll

I am highly opinionated and love to express my views…

Ok, to be brutal, often people who call themselves opinionated can be just coming accross as "obnoxious" and "boring" to others so be careful on that.

When you are talking be careful of the following:
Peoples eyes are not glazing over
(ie; sitting there patiently waiting for you to just finish)

You are not talking over other people, ie hogging the conversation and not allowing others to talk or interrupting them repeatedly. Let other people have their turn!
(nothing is a quicker way of losing friends)

Which brings me to:
Listening!
Actually listen to other people, dont just begrudgingly give them their turn while mentally preparing your next sentance. Really listen to them.

Make sure you are not just talking about yourself and your opinions all the time
(You might find yourself fascinating but others dont, remember everyone has opinions not just you!)

and if I don’t express my opinion, I feel that I’m not being myself which doesn’t seem fair to everyone else.

Aw, lol thats so "other-centred" of you!
No, seriously OP, This sentance is funny because if you look at it, you seem to believe other people will be wounded or missing out somehow if you are not your complete un-edited self.

Thats false, everyone has to edit themselves to make themselves more palatable to others, its just the way the world works. Your peers are already doing this, its just something you are learning late.

You already know that you in your raw and unedited state is a bit "too much" for other people to take and its driving other people away. Ok
You need to take that fact and build on it, identify your least attractive personality traits and eliminate them (ask a trusted friend to be honest, but dont then get angry with the answers)

Then find your nice qualities and build on them!

Good luck, as for the girl, you know already she aint gonna bite so leave it alone, and "getting rid" of people because they are not useful to you is not a nice thing to do so dont do that.

Just leave it alone and be friends if you can.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that OP, I certainly appreciate what you said, and can relate to my faults by reading that.

Cheers...I agree, I should stay friends with her...I want to...seriously I do...