Left On Shelf ?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm a single 33 y/o male and over the last couple of weeks have have been contemplating the fact that I may spend the rest of my life alone as in having no partner. This came to a head last week at my mate's wedding when I realised I was the only one of my mates over 30 still single. On the face of it I should have a bit going for me good job, home, outgoing etc but it is just not happening for me with the opposite sex. Over the years I have been told I'm a good looking guy (obviously not) and have had numerous suitors but none that I could see myself in a long term relationship with.

I have tried the online dating thing but to no avail. If anyone who knew me was reading this they would be shocked as I would be viewed as someone who makes the most of being free and single and no interest in a commitment. However the opposite is true. To be honest I wouldn't settle down for the sake of it but my confidence is at an all time low and disillusionment at a peak.

Anyone else out there in same boat and do you have any words of advice?

Thanks.

Wibbs

Well I would say you have plenty of time for a start. You also have all the apparent trappings needed for interest to be shown(job, home, outgoing etc). I would also forget your looks bit for a second. It's in the eye of the beholder, especially for women. Women beyond the very young tend to be much more open about looks and attracted to personality and social standing than men.

OK then the next question is why you get the knockback long termer wise. Have any of these women given you a reason? They usually do, just men may not see it for what it is. Commitment, emotional stability, prospects of a future together are the usual reasons women stay, or if they're lacking why they leave.

My observation, right or wrong, has been that women are careful about who they make a commitment beyond six month to. It's also been my observation that when long termers go south it's more often the woman who leaves, because of something that puts them off continuing after the initial buzz has passed. Now it can be just simple incompatibility, but if you are getting consistently left after the initial buzz then I would ask questions.

How long did these relationships last? What was the longest? I ask that, because if it's longer than six months then the women have made some commitment to you. After that something changes their mind. Is it a consistent something you can put a finger on? As I reckoned above, lack of commitment, emotional stability and prospects of a future together are the usual reasons women leave. If they do go off with someone else it's because they appear to have more of that than the guy they're leaving, with a side order of novelty thrown in for good measure.

It's also possible that you're picking the wrong personality types from the get go. You may claim you want a long termer, but you may pick those you know will leave.

Maybe sit back and examine where you're going wrong. Yes we can all blame it on "nutty women" and they do exist, but they're not all like that, not even close. The only one we can improve is ourselves and the first step is figuring out where we may need to, for ourselves. After that the other stuff tends to fall into place as we make the right emotional decisions and partner choices in the first place and we have the emotional tools to make healthy relationships.

vandermeyde

Unregtoday wrote: »

If anyone who knew me was reading this they would be shocked as I would be viewed as someone who makes the most of being free and single and no interest in a commitment.

Maybe it's time to lay this misconception of you to bed so. If you've mates who are in relationships/married etc. that means they're with women . Women have women friends. Tis a good place to start*. If they think you're only a jack the lad they won't be touting you about to their friends as a possible suitor. Ask em, you'll get a few dates out of it and who know's you might strike lucky... Worked for me!

* this is based on the assumption that you haven't man-wh0red your way around most of their friends already

LegacyUser

I'm 32 and single and sometimes wonder will I ever meet anyone I can see myself with long term but like you I wont settle just for the sake of it. Theres no point in that.

Maybe like vandermeyde said, stop giving the impression that your happy being single and have no interest in commitment, if thats the impression your giving off then women interested in anything other than a casual fling wont want to be wasting their time. I know I wouldnt anyway :L

LegacyUser

"OK then the next question is why you get the knockback long termer wise. Have any of these women given you a reason?"

If anyone is doing the knocking back its me because in the last few years I honestly haven't being meeting girls who I'd consider for a long term relationship - for a more casual realtionship yes but not long term. Recently I have been thinking maybe I should stuck it out with Ms X or Y but that could be just disillusionment with being single?

"this is based on the assumption that you haven't man-wh0red your way around most of their friends already"

Unfortunately this is the case. So friends are not an option really anyway most are hooked up. My problem now is notwithstanding those who know I'm having trouble attracting anyone I'd have any real interest in.

St Bill

I'm in the same boat as you OP and while I have days where I think it would be nice to have an 'other half', I prefer my singledom to being with someone just for the sake of it. It's hard to find someone to click with, but I certainly enjoy going out to see who I do click with and the banter that comes with it. All the same, I can't help but believe there's a lucky man out there somewhere .... :pac:

In$omniac

I gave off the impression to my friends that I like my single life, where in fact only of this year I told them I've hated it all along, would just not admit it to anyone before.
I've no problem meeting up with guys, but for some reason I seem to find fault with them where in fact the fault is with me not them!
Ah sure as my friends tell me, be patient it will happen when it happens :rolleyes:

Dob74

Unregtoday wrote: »

Hi,
I'm a single 33 y/o male and over the last couple of weeks have have been contemplating the fact that I may spend the rest of my life alone as in having no partner. This came to a head last week at my mate's wedding when I realised I was the only one of my mates over 30 still single. On the face of it I should have a bit going for me good job, home, outgoing etc but it is just not happening for me with the opposite sex. Over the years I have been told I'm a good looking guy (obviously not) and have had numerous suitors but none that I could see myself in a long term relationship with.

I have tried the online dating thing but to no avail. If anyone who knew me was reading this they would be shocked as I would be viewed as someone who makes the most of being free and single and no interest in a commitment. However the opposite is true. To be honest I wouldn't settle down for the sake of it but my confidence is at an all time low and disillusionment at a peak.

Anyone else out there in same boat and do you have any words of advice?

Thanks.

I am about to get get married and I met my wife to be when I was 33. I was in the same boat as yourself. Its simple just put your neck on the line and ask someone you know out. Try dating as many as you can. Its not like when you are in your early 20's and can shag a bird and see no more of her. You are not going to find someone perfect because no is. You are going to have to make the first approach to the woman. Thats the way it is in this day and age. And probably always will. Never tried the net but sounds like a last chance saloon.

cantdecide

It ain't not nice being left on the shelf. I started teh online dating thing recently. I've found it not so easy on the mojo when nothing happens.

GigaByte

I'm 36 and single, have a really great job, nice car, a big house and no money worries and love being single.

I find after I've being going out with a girl for a few months I miss being single and start thinking up excuses to break up. This has happened with my last 4 girlfriends!

Am I worried? No at all!

Enjoy being single and whatever you do, do not go out with some one just for the sake of it, you'll end up feeling worse and its not fair on the girl.

SarahSassy

GigaByte he has already said he wants to meet someone ......

OP, I had a similar attitude to you and let off the impression that I was happy out single.. Its not easy to change this and stat acting a bit more vulnerable, open and in my case, I hated the thought of being seen as needy / desparate. The only big problem is that your current supposed attitude is putting people off....

You have started the process by admitting to yourself that you want to meet someone. Now try dropping some small hints to friends who may have suitable friends and just get yourself out there.. You are young and trust me, 33 year old normal men are in high demand...

LegacyUser

I'm new to boards so excuse my ignorance please but...what does OP stand for?

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm new to boards so excuse my ignorance please but...what does OP stand for?

"Original Post" or "Original Poster", depending on context.

cantdecide

http://letmegooglethatforyou.com/?q=mean+op

GigaByte

SarahSassy wrote: »

GigaByte he has already said he wants to meet someone ......

Who doesn't! but there's no point going out with someone just because you "think" you have to be in a relationship. If you read his posts you'll see thats what he's suggested.

You can't suddenly decided you're going to wake up in the morning and walk out and find the woman of your dreams. You've got to change your mode of thinking and learn to be happy with yourself.

Now if he does wake up tomorrow and find the woman of his dreams don't come back and laugh at me!!

LegacyUser

Thanks Victor. I did comment back to the OP. Obviously didn't like the end of it because it's nowhere to be read?

LegacyUser

"The only big problem is that your current supposed attitude is putting people off...."

I was thinking its cos I'm an ugly B**tard
I'm not sure about the attitude thing as surely that would only apply to people who know and not strangers?

May be its case of putting my neck on the line whilst socialising. To be honest most of the girls I've been with over the years has been as a result of them approaching me in shape or form and thats a rarity for me these days.

Pete4779

Unregtoday wrote: »

Hi,

I have tried the online dating thing but to no avail. If anyone who knew me was reading this they would be shocked as I would be viewed as someone who makes the most of being free and single and no interest in a commitment. However the opposite is true. To be honest I wouldn't settle down for the sake of it but my confidence is at an all time low and disillusionment at a peak.

Anyone else out there in same boat and do you have any words of advice?

Thanks.

Don't take this the wrong way, or mods please don't presume I am trying to rile anyone up but I am serious, and giving direct advice.

You're post comes across as incredibly feminine, and that you have developed what would have traditionally been female anxieties.

"being left on the shelf" - you are not a character in an Emily Bronte novel. Stop even thinking that. Women may worry about "being left on the shelf" as they might lose the chance to have children. A man doesn't get left on the shelf because he can hook up with women as long as he lives, and at any age. Hence why you see 45 year olds with 20 year old women.

worrying about being alone at a friend's wedding - a single man at a wedding is like entering horny-single-girl-city. Instead you were worried about being alone and with no relationship!

"suitor" - MALES are suitors, not women. That you used the word shows that you are passive when describing your relationships. Men do not have suitorss, that is just the way it is.

"good job, home, outgoing" - these are thigns that are going for you? And when in your life did you learn that having all of this is what makes women attracted to a man? Surely you have seen beautiful women with a guy that has none of these things, so why do you think it? My opinion is because of an excessively feminised upbringing. Smack it out of you. Women want a man, not a 60 year old bachelor, which is what you sound like.

You want words of advice? Forget trying to convince yourself that your own home or job is attractive to women. They all have that themselves -look around you.

1. Go the gym. Become obsessive in the gym. You need to get the testosterone going and stop being so passive about life.
2. Join clubs and develop your interests. At the moment, you have zero interesting things going for you, so how could a relationship work when you don't have anything for a women to have in common with?
3. Set goals for yourself: for example, by the end of January, you will have visitied a certain location, asked out 10 women you meet, etc., . With no goal except what you perceived to be a magic catch all "your own house and a job", it's time to stop doing what you have previously done and try something new.

If I am alone in thinking that you using the "left on the shelf" and "suitor" stuff was feminine and highly revealing, I would be surprised. Knock those ideas out of you right now and never ever have them enter your head again.

Yes I am basically saying Man the **** up. Time to act like a proactive self-determined male and not a pansy. Don't listen to women you know sayign what they like in a guy. Yes they like it, but it means the like guys that are women in guys bodies. They don't want adult relationships with these guys.

LegacyUser

Pete4779 wrote: »

Don't take this the wrong way, or mods please don't presume I am trying to rile anyone up but I am serious, and giving direct advice.

You're post comes across as incredibly feminine, and that you have developed what would have traditionally been female anxieties.

"being left on the shelf" - you are not a character in an Emily Bronte novel. Stop even thinking that. Women may worry about "being left on the shelf" as they might lose the chance to have children. A man doesn't get left on the shelf because he can hook up with women as long as he lives, and at any age. Hence why you see 45 year olds with 20 year old women.

worrying about being alone at a friend's wedding - a single man at a wedding is like entering horny-single-girl-city. Instead you were worried about being alone and with no relationship!

"suitor" - MALES are suitors, not women. That you used the word shows that you are passive when describing your relationships. Men do not have suitorss, that is just the way it is.

"good job, home, outgoing" - these are thigns that are going for you? And when in your life did you learn that having all of this is what makes women attracted to a man? Surely you have seen beautiful women with a guy that has none of these things, so why do you think it? My opinion is because of an excessively feminised upbringing. Smack it out of you. Women want a man, not a 60 year old bachelor, which is what you sound like.

You want words of advice? Forget trying to convince yourself that your own home or job is attractive to women. They all have that themselves -look around you.

1. Go the gym. Become obsessive in the gym. You need to get the testosterone going and stop being so passive about life.
2. Join clubs and develop your interests. At the moment, you have zero interesting things going for you, so how could a relationship work when you don't have anything for a women to have in common with?
3. Set goals for yourself: for example, by the end of January, you will have visitied a certain location, asked out 10 women you meet, etc., . With no goal except what you perceived to be a magic catch all "your own house and a job", it's time to stop doing what you have previously done and try something new.

If I am alone in thinking that you using the "left on the shelf" and "suitor" stuff was feminine and highly revealing, I would be surprised. Knock those ideas out of you right now and never ever have them enter your head again.

Yes I am basically saying Man the **** up. Time to act like a proactive self-determined male and not a pansy. Don't listen to women you know sayign what they like in a guy. Yes they like it, but it means the like guys that are women in guys bodies. They don't want adult relationships with these guys.

Fair play to you mate for stating your opinion and I certainly am not riled by it. Looking back on my mails I can see where you are coming from. But to be honest I have been told on several occassions that I am too much of a lad and man's man and thats where my problem may lie. I used the ref to job etc to highlight the fact that I was self sufficient and independent (very manly traits) and obviously not as some "magic catch all" or why would I need to post in the first place. As I stated in the original post anyone who knew me would be shocked to see what I was posting anyone who knows me would say I am in full control of my life and making the most of the single life. I am not trying defend myself just replying to your post and I stand by the language and tone of my original post as I was writing in the moment. I have to admit any women I have been with recently has just been for the sake of it and my confidence is at an all time low. Maybe your post is the kick up the hole I need.

Aurora Borealis

Sorry but guys can feel lonely and all the rest too. talk about sterotyping!

OP I guess I'm kinda in the same boat.. and feel lonely too sometimes and toy with the idea of online dating etc.
I don't click very often with people in that way though I do find it very easy to chat away to people and make friends etc it just happens very rarely that I actually like like someone. As in once in a blue moon type effort. But that's me and I can't change that and the thing is I'd rather feel a bit blue or lonely every now and then than be in something I'm not totally sure of.

Wibbs

I have to agree with Pete4779's post. The thing is I would say much the same to women(which he may not have intended:)). get out there. Stop worrying about who you are, rather find out who you are and where you need a tweak or two and take it from there.

Pete4779

Wibbs wrote: »

I have to agree with Pete4779's post. The thing is I would say much the same to women(which he may not have intended:)). get out there. Stop worrying about who you are, rather find out who you are and where you need a tweak or two and take it from there.

yes that was exactly what I meant in an incredibly crude way!

Everyone has phases like this, and you need to grab it and use the opportunity to change the parts of your own life that are not working. Some people realise this when they are 22, some at the age of 50. Some people never realise that their life is not a rail track of birth-hormones-marriage. Be thankful you've realised at the prime age of 33 that the way of life you have been living is not working the way you want and be confident that:

a) the person you are now is the product of the way you have lived your life in the past years
b) the person you want to be, with a good relationship (or whatever you want in life), is who you have to develop into over the next weeks, months and years.
c) suddenly, at around the age of 35, if you are in shape and have money, you are entering the James Bond age and magically you can now sleep with 20 year old women again!


There is no left on the shelf, and life will give you exactly back what you put into it. Going out drinking at the weekend is fun, but is not living life BTW!

Pete4779

Unregistered wrote: »

Fair play to you mate for stating your opinion and I certainly am not riled by it. Looking back on my mails I can see where you are coming from. But to be honest I have been told on several occassions that I am too much of a lad and man's man and thats where my problem may lie. I used the ref to job etc to highlight the fact that I was self sufficient and independent (very manly traits) and obviously not as some "magic catch all" or why would I need to post in the first place. As I stated in the original post anyone who knew me would be shocked to see what I was posting anyone who knows me would say I am in full control of my life and making the most of the single life. I am not trying defend myself just replying to your post and I stand by the language and tone of my original post as I was writing in the moment. I have to admit any women I have been with recently has just been for the sake of it and my confidence is at an all time low. Maybe your post is the kick up the hole I need.

OK well whatever people have been saying to you I don't believe they meant it or actually know or care what they are saying. As you said, you felt awkward in that wedding situation. Likewise, in many social situations in Ireland, the "single" person is made excuses for to protect some unwritten social cultural nonsense, on behalf of the married couples who like to feel security around them. Don't believe a word they say, not that they are not friends, but they will rarely if ever produce good advice to help you in your own life. Married friends don't like single friends, IMHO. Not really anyway. They have readjusted their lives to new circumstances and aims, and likewise, you need to do the same in yours as you move out of your 20s into proper adulthood, which by and large is a much more interesting time to be single (as a man in your 30s) than in your 20s.

If all your friends are married, etc., then step 1, without question, is to get new friends who all have a focus on meeting women, are in the same mindset, and so on. Ignore the advice of your married female friends: you will end up single forever, or they will introduce you to their proportionally quite large/un-married female friends - this is life, I have seen it!. Ignore your male friends: they will enjoy going for the occasional pints with you to "relive" the single days, but in no way will they really help you out developing your life and social skill set.

I think you live outside of Dublin, and that makes it much much much (I know) more difficult to really push yourself beyond the set culture you experience locally. If you did live in Dublin, you'd see that the city is packed full of single people in their 30s and that is just the way it is. You're living a settled life, before you've even started living.

Aurora Borealis

Of course you have to be proactive and not wallow but I don't think having a moan which is all it was in essence, anonymously in PI calls his masculinity into question. I agree with the perceived sentiment of your post Pete... but just hate the man up notion. Maybe it's just semantics. Anyway yeah you do have to get out there and there's no shame in saying you are on the look out.

Wibbs

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

Of course you have to be proactive and not wallow but I don't think having a moan which is all it was in essence, anonymously in PI calls his masculinity into question. I agree with the perceived sentiment of your post Pete... but just hate the man up notion. Maybe it's just semantics.

I agree that having a moan doesn't call his masculinity into question at all. It's good to vent. I would say that not being proactive and wallowing would frankly.

Now shoot me down in flames and it is IMHO, but quite often there does come a point where men actually need to "man up". This is not being insensitive depending on context obviously. I do think too often while men's sensitive side is ignored in some quarters, it is also the case in some quarters where it's far too overcooked.

GigaByte

Pete4779 wrote: »

Don't take this the wrong way, (the rest is up above)

Great post Pete! Makes a lot of sense.

LegacyUser

OP Here,
I do agree with most of what Pete has said. If a buddy of mine had come to me and said what I said in the original post I would have and would have been expected to say what he has said in his posts.

As I said my confidence has hit a low and have been probably wallowing in self-pity which tbh is not like me.

I do in fact live in Dublin and maybe their are plenty of single ladies in their 30's but they appear to have feck all interest in me at the moment

Anyway, maybe it is a case of finding my old self and getting on with it.

BTW Pete id you ever question my masculinity again I'll come round your house and best F**k out of you with my handbag :-)

McGinty

If anyone is doing the knocking back its me because in the last few years I honestly haven't being meeting girls who I'd consider for a long term relationship - for a more casual realtionship yes but not long term. Recently I have been thinking maybe I should stuck it out with Ms X or Y but that could be just disillusionment with being single?

Hi Op.

Judging from your above quote, it sounds like to me that being single is a choice, I don't mean that in a negative way, I mean it as a postive statement, you haven't found someone you really want to connect with and it is probable that you are feeling impatience, not being left on the shelf.

Judging from your posts you sound like you can meet women, but not the one who ticks all or some of your boxes, amd as frustrating as it, you are doing the right thing. You can meet someone at any stage. I was single for nearly five years, it was often frustating as hell, often lonely but... I knew that I deserved to meet a man who suited me, not just any man, yes I met men and there was one or two who wanted more of a relationship but I didn't, so I waited and waited and now I met someone who suits me, he ticked most of my boxes and I am glad I waited. The only advice I can offer is that you are single by choice and to be patient.