Cant stop Loving my dead Wife

cherrypicker555

My wife died 3 and a half years ago, she was ill for 2 years, we met as teens, were were poor together, we had money together, we were high together, we were low togeher, we done everything together, I worshipped the very ground she walked on, trusted her with my life, she was my living Goddess, she was beautiful but also had humility and class, she was a glamour model when younger, which she got bored with, when she got ill she was studying.

I saw her get ill and suffer, I cried with her in despair when she knew she was dying, I cried with her when she on the floor screaming that she could not take the pain of her type of cancer, tumors pressing on the nerves of her spine. I saw her suffer, it scarred me for life. I saw her go from being a healthy young woman to wrecked by cancer her dreams smashed.

In the last year I went a bit mad with dating, met some nice women, some crazy, some in between. Met a solid female, we go out together, go round hers, she tells me she loves me, shes a nice person.

The sex is crap, I cant get into it, with my wife it was electric.

I still wake up everynight thinking of my wife, if someone offered me all the gold and women in the world, or to have her back I would want her back everytime.

The reality is I'm in my late 30s,I will never stop loving her, which means I can never love anyone else properly nor really find true happiness, its the cross I will bear for the rest of my days.

unhappycamper

Thanks for sharing your experiences and feelings OP.. Reading your post is most humbling, I have no words to give you but to say thanks for sharing, it is indeed a very sad post to read. I hope there is a point in your life where you may feel differently but all I can hope for is that you remain patient and give yourself more time to see this through, where there is a will there is a way and there is always light at the end of every tunnel.

Best regards OP

Einstein

I feel for you CherryPicker. There's no doubt you've had some tough times. But who says you have to stop loving your wife? I'm no expert, but there's no reason why you shouldn't love her for as long as you live. The hard part, is just coping and moving on day to day, and dealing with the anguish and hurt that you're feeling, and possibly entering new relationships, without comparing what you had with your wife. That's the hard part.

I wish I could offer more, i rarely post in PI but felt compelled to when i read your post.

I wish you the best.

You are where you are.

Best advice is to run with what you want to do yourself.
If you are not getting fulfillment from the dating then don't do it.

Do you not think you'll need companionship at some stage? If so keep the remenissing of your late wife to yourself and continue the search for the best partner that works for you.

3 and a half years is a very short time and nowhere near the time to get over a death of a partner I would think-but you do at this stage need to give yourself a reality check and realise that you are long term going to need to move on.
Your late wife would want that for you.

iguana

As Einstein said, you will probably love your wife for the rest of your life. That's just how it is when you lose someone you really love and it doesn't mean that you won't one day love someone else too. It sounds to me like you need to give yourself some more time to deal with your grief and stop pushing yourself into relationships you aren't ready for.

All the best.

Wibbs

Good advice from Black Briar. This is a terribly difficult emotional trauma to have to suffer. Three years is maybe not enough for you to fully grieve. I mean gone through the whole process. Obviously your heart has been smashed in pieces by this. This will take time. You will never forget and you'll never get over it, but you will get through it and out the other side. As Black Briar says your wife would have wanted that for you.

Did you get any counseling for this pain? TBH I'm not that big a fan of counseling for every bloody emotional ache and pain but you have a serious emotional injury and guidance would be advisable. Yes you may get through it yourself. I mean you've gone through what most would consider a hellish time, but guidance now could make all the difference.

Now this is only my take, but maybe you've gotten into something relatively serious too quickly and for the wrong reasons. I think going on dates was a healthy plan, but going out with someone you weren't ready for just yet was a step too far.

It's also possible that because of your all to natural and understandable need for companionship, this "solid" woman when compared to the crazies and the nice women that went nowhere, seemed a good bet. She may a nice person but she simply may not be the right woman for you. Ive gone out with women who were really genuine kind people, but we were just not right for each other. It happens all the time. Sometimes that was hard to see at the time too(though lack of sex compatibility would be a sign) and that's without the emotional trauma you've suffered. I honestly don't know if I would have coped TBH.

IMHO I think you should back off from this current relationship. It may not be easy, but better than this person getting hurt and you staying in something that's wrong for you(for both of you). Maybe get some counseling. Certainly date again, but only try to build something with someone that you feel you can. You're not trying to replace your wife. You can't, but you can build a new life with the right woman.

I wish you the best of luck I can.

The Real B-man

Deleted User wrote: »

You are where you are.

Best advice is to run with what you want to do yourself.
If you are not getting fulfillment from the dating then don't do it.

Do you not think you'll need companionship at some stage? If so keep the remenissing of your late wife to yourself and continue the search for the best partner that works for you.

3 and a half years is a very short time and nowhere near the time to get over a death of a partner I would think-but you do at this stage need to give yourself a reality check and realise that you are long term going to need to move on.
Your late wife would want that for you.

Yes this happend to a relative of mine years of heartache and pain till he met someone to share that love and passion with years later there happily married and have kids

Life moves on, not saying its for everyone but you can find happiness again.

RossFixxxed

Hi OP, I can totally relate to this. I lost that girl and a child. I've been there for many years. But there IS another side you will move to. you will do things that you know she would be proud of. You'll find things inside yourself you never thought you had.

I have now met an amazing girl, and all the horror in my life seems to have been to get me to here, and I'm madly in love. It's ok to miss and love her, of course you do. I'd be worried if you didn't to be honest.

There are a lot of counselling, doctors ect you should to go. Or PM me if you want a bit of empathy.

It seems hopeless, but it really isn't. I can promise you that. You have to get out and move, and get your life moving on. You'll see how worth it it really is.

The reality is I'm in my late 30s,I will never stop loving her, which means I can never love anyone else properly nor really find true happiness, its the cross I will bear for the rest of my days.

You WILL never stop loving her, but you CAN love other people. Sure it's a cross to bear, god it is, but it can give you strength, and open you up too.


Sorry this is so fragmented I'm in work, but i'm here to reply and i'll keep this thread open. Good luck OP, I'll be thinking of you



R

Aurora Borealis

Firstly can I offer my condolences. Your post really pulled at my heart strings. I can't really start to imagine what you're going through. Three and a half years though is really not that long and even some relationships take years to get past, nevermind a happy, loving marriage. While I do think it's good for you to try at least to pick up the pieces and engage in the world of dating, if you still feel still way all the time maybe it's something you should hold off for a time to give yourself the chance to live a little on your own a bit more first. Sometimes if you rush yourself into situations thinking you should be able for them it can make things harder and only serve to highlight the fact that you are simply not ready no matter how much you wish you were. I do think that we have to just go with our emotions sometimes particularly in relation to loss and grief. It's a process over which we have no power. I would suggest you do and experience things you would never have dreamed of before, travel, climb a mountain anything that might help you see outside the life you've known with your wife.I don't think you can ever get over a loss like that or ever really stop loving a life partner but you can in time learn to live with it and love life and others in new ways.

not yet

It must have been so hard to see you're wife pass away in front of your eyes.

I do believe that as time goes by the memories soften...if that makes any sense. My uncle married his childhood sweetheart,they were to together for 30 years (the love of his life) she died 10 years ago and he thought he would die,but he meet someone he is more then happy with and loves.....

But his first wife will be always be the love of his life.....and there's no harm in that.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about this. It's perfectly normal to feel this way but at some point you need to be able to move on, that doesn't mean forgetting about your wife or even getting over her but it means what it says, moving on in such a way that you are able to live a life for yourself and enjoy your life in some significant ways. Your wife would have wanted you to live your life as much as you can. Good luck with it.

cherrypicker555

Thankyou for the replies, some sound advice there. Its intresting to get other peoples perspectives. I think as time goes on you learn to live with it better, you never forget, it changes you forever.


Im am slowly trying to rebuild my life and connect my emotions to the world and people again, it takes time, the advice about doing something new and starting a new chapter was v intresting. One small step at a time.


CP.

RossFixxxed

Good man. That's exactly the right attitude. It's damn tough, don't get me wrong, but it is doable. It's impossible to see any light when you're so deep down, but you are making huge progress. Keep it up and keep in touch!

In$omniac

If I could hug you I would, am so sorry your wife went through all that pain and you having to see her suffer.

Give yourself time, I personally think your wife will always be 'the one', and if any woman falls in love with you and you her, she will just have to understand your feelings.
You will find true happiness once again, little steps forward is all that is needed, best wishes to you

Slidey

I have never posted in PI before but for this I will make an exception.

My gf died after a short illness nearly 4 years ago.

Just like you I worshipped the ground she walked on.

Like others have said you don't stop loving the person ever, you just learn to live with it and move on.

At the time I was told, 'time is a great healer'. I was of the opinion that they were wrong and what would they know. It is true though and time dulls the pain.

Enjoy your companionship and try not to compare things.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

cantdecide

This is one of the most moving things I've ever heard. I wish I could help more but I hope you realise that you don't have to leave go of the past in order to move into your future and you are allowed to always love her.

metrovelvet

Sounds like you are still in mourning and not ready. People die but our feelings for them, whether bad or good, don't die with them. Just be good to yourself and allow yourself whatever time you need to be able to hold the love you have for your deceased wife while also being ready to love another and receive love from another.

There is an incredibly moving film your post reminded me of called Truly Madly Deeply. It might help to take a look.

crosstownk

I don't usually post here but this thread is an exception.

OP - My sincerest condolences.

While I have never experienced the emotions that you have, I have come close so can empathise to a certain extent.

Time heals all wounds is an expression that pops up from time to time. I don't believe it. But time does give the opportunity to look both back and forward so it will (hopefully) make the experience easier to cope with. You will see the other side. Your memories of your wife are yours - cherish them but move on at the same time. Time is all it will take - how long that will be is impossible to predict but it will happen.

Best of luck - I wish you all the best in the future - you deserve it.

kildara

Hi,
Having recently married, your story tugs at heart-strings.
I don't have any advice other than to agree with alot of previous posts - you will always love her and will not be expected not to.
I hope you find happiness in whatever form it may be.