Words of love....

LegacyUser

Can anyone help me. I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I love him inside and out, he has the kindest, gentlest, funniest personality. I am afraid I am going to blow it with him.

The problem is I cannot bring myself to say the words "I love you" to him and all the other things I want to talk to him about just wont come out. I want his kids some day but I cant say that. I love him so much I dont want anyone else and I want us to speak those words and commit to each other.

I dont know what is wrong with me, the words just will not come. We had a small row last night which happens very rarely, it was a misunderstanding and we cleared it up, we didn't go to bed on it. But while he ranted and got angry I was just frozen and detatched.

What is wrong with me, today I am devastated I hurt him, I would rather hurt myself a million times than cause him an ounce of pain. I want to email him and tell him I love him, I adore him, I would do anything for him, I just want to see him smile again and be happy.....but I cant type the words, much less say them.

All day I will be watching the minutes go by till I can be with him again but when I see him I will be as frozen and frustrated as ever.....

Rosita

As far as I can see you have written the words in that post. I would say a slight modification of what you wrote there (to allow for the fact that you will be addressing him and not the general audience!) would get your message across very easily via email. Also the fact that you have had a tiff of sorts is a nice excuse to hang the whole thing on if you feel awkward about it.

I don't know how long you are together or anything like that but obviously it is better if you believe that the feeling is - to some degree at least - mutual, before laying yourself bare so to speak.

If you wanted to be ropmantic/soppy (and why not) you could send him this link and let a legend pass the message on for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fvv7Qh3MU-o

LegacyUser

thanks for the link Rosita (sorry I cant see it as work has banned the site) and the reply too.

I dont think I have explained properly though, I know exactly what I feel, I just cannot, cannot say it, no matter what happens.
I have some sort of block where I feel its wrong to open up, there will be some terrible penalty to pay. I dont know what.

I know he loves me, but I cannot address any important issues, like he has hinted he would like kids with me and I would love nothing more but no matter what I cannot say that to him. And time is ticking by, What do I say...I want to say I love you, I would love your baby, I dream about it....but I cant...do people say those things? Or leave them unsaid...Its time to move forward, has been for some time and he told me I am "in charge" of the relationship but I am frozen like a dead thing so no decisions get made and I pretend thats ok

I cannot talk about any important emotional stuff at all, its killing me, I love this guy so much.

I feel men dont want to hear these things from women and if I say anything he will break it off with me to punish me. Yet he is not that type of person.
How do other girls communicate about this stuff to their boyfriends, how do you start to talk about it. I have suppressed emotional things for so long I have no clue where to start.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

Rosita wrote: »

If you wanted to be ropmantic/soppy (and why not) you could send him this link and let a legend pass the message on for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fvv7Qh3MU-o

haha, that'd be funny

just write it down now like you are doing on boards and show it to him, or just show him your post

Terodil

Tongue Tied wrote: »

but I cant...do people say those things? Or leave them unsaid...Its time to move forward, has been for some time and he told me I am "in charge" of the relationship but I am frozen like a dead thing so no decisions get made and I pretend thats ok

I cannot talk about any important emotional stuff at all, its killing me, I love this guy so much.

I feel men dont want to hear these things from women and if I say anything he will break it off with me to punish me.

OP: You are sooo close to making it! If only you didn't stand on your own toes!

Vulnerability can be unbelievably sexy. It shows your bf how much you care for him. If you blush when saying it, if you have difficulty saying it, if you fumble for words... it'll just make you so much more adorable and his knees so much weaker.

If you want and feel scared otherwise, write him a letter and say what you managed to say here. Again, don't worry about what he'll say... he'll just hear your feelings through what you write; the words are secondary. You may think that it's terribly cheesy and insufficient and inappropriate and whatever... trust me... he will disagree.

Just give yourself a little nudge... you were able to write it here, so why not in a letter addressed to him?

Good luck!!

In$omniac

Tongue Tied wrote: »

I cannot talk about any important emotional stuff at all, its killing me, I love this guy so much.

You remind me of myself so much, you need to get rid of the emotional barriers you have. With my last b/f I could not express myself emotionally, it scared me when I realised I fell in love with him. So I sent him a letter explaining all even when I sent the letter I got all embarrassed at the thoughts of him knowing how I felt about him.
When you feel the time is right, tell him how you feel, be it in a letter, email etc.

Tongue Tied

Tongue Tied wrote: »

thanks for the link Rosita (sorry I cant see it as work has banned the site) and the reply too.

I dont think I have explained properly though, I know exactly what I feel, I just cannot, cannot say it, no matter what happens.
I have some sort of block where I feel its wrong to open up, there will be some terrible penalty to pay. I dont know what.

I know he loves me, but I cannot address any important issues, like he has hinted he would like kids with me and I would love nothing more but no matter what I cannot say that to him. And time is ticking by, What do I say...I want to say I love you, I would love your baby, I dream about it....but I cant...do people say those things? Or leave them unsaid...Its time to move forward, has been for some time and he told me I am "in charge" of the relationship but I am frozen like a dead thing so no decisions get made and I pretend thats ok

I cannot talk about any important emotional stuff at all, its killing me, I love this guy so much.

I feel men dont want to hear these things from women and if I say anything he will break it off with me to punish me. Yet he is not that type of person.
How do other girls communicate about this stuff to their boyfriends, how do you start to talk about it. I have suppressed emotional things for so long I have no clue where to start.

Is there any other underlying cause to all this? Have you been treated this way in the past? I mean thinking someone is going to break up with you just because you love them is not exactly trusting of him, when you think about it.
Not to mention you think you're going to blow it by not telling him, so what do you have to lose?

Perhaps you should try telling him you have this much difficulty talking about anything emotional? You could work through it together. After all you're in a partnership together now...

Do you have any trouble telling other people how you feel, e.g. friends family etc?

terodil wrote:

If you want and feel scared otherwise, write him a letter and say what you managed to say here. Again, don't worry about what he'll say... he'll just hear your feelings through what you write; the words are secondary. You may think that it's terribly cheesy and insufficient and inappropriate and whatever... trust me... he will disagree.

I think if she cannot write it in an email either, she will not be able to do this, and judging by her post the issue is far more than feeling cheesy.

Faith

1. How old are you both?
2. How long have you been going out?
3. Has he told you that he loves you?

If you haven't been going out that long, talking about marriage and babies might scare him a bit. If he hasn't told you that he loves you yet, why don't you wait for him to say it first, it might make it easier to say it back if there's no fear of rejection.

Rosita

bluewolf wrote: »

Is there any other underlying cause to all this? Have you been treated this way in the past?

I think we may be in danger of overanalysing it - perhaps the OP is just a shy person.

As Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

cantdecide

Assuming that he has told you he loves you and he will be receptive, you should just pluck up the courage and come out with it. He's probably been waiting forever to hear it. What guy wouldn't want to hear how his one and only feels about him. He'll probably go weak at the knees.

metrovelvet

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont think I have explained properly though, I know exactly what I feel, I just cannot, cannot say it, no matter what happens.
I have some sort of block where I feel its wrong to open up, the..

You could start by saying this ^.

Start with ...I feel.... and fill in the blanks. Say I feel like I have things to say to you but I am frozen in saying them and I don't understand why. I feel blocked and unable to speak. I want to tell you ..... but I can't.

Just try it a little bit at a time. Trust takes practise.

Rosita

Rosita wrote: »

I think we may be in danger of overanalysing it - perhaps the OP is just a shy person.

As Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

It just struck me as odd and I wondered if there was any other reason for it.

what stuck out for me were: "I cannot address any important issues" , "I am frozen like a dead thing so no decisions get made and I pretend thats ok",
and most especially
"I feel men dont want to hear these things from women and if I say anything he will break it off with me to punish me."
that doesn't sound like everyday shyness to me, particularly the mention of punishing. maybe it is, but no harm in asking, hm?

Faith wrote:

If you haven't been going out that long, talking about marriage and babies might scare him a bit.

According to her second post, he's the one who's mentioned it not her

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Can anyone help me. I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I love him inside and out, he has the kindest, gentlest, funniest personality.

give it 6 months

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Is there any other underlying cause to all this? Have you been treated this way in the past?

There are so many causes I wouldn't know where to begin, my Mother drilled it into myself and my sisters to never do chase a man and always be distant and mysterious (closed) the conditioning was so strong. Also my father was very cold and cruel to my Mother who was a loving, emotional type of person. But I really dont have money for counsellors. I just need to know how other people do this stuff.....

2. How long have you been going out?
3. Has he told you that he loves you?

Nearly 2 years, yes we have both told each other, I waited over 6 months for him to say it to me as its forbidden by society for a girl to say it first. I sometimes think that is part of the problem, you are so used to keeping your mouth shut, its such a bad thing to do that now I am unable to do it.

He is the one who wanted kids with me, I would like to get on with it or even discuss the hows and whens, but I am literally tongue tied, playing this stupid "cool" game all the time.
Its time to move on from that, but how is it done?

LegacyUser

Hiya

In a way you know, I don't blame you. You are right, sometimes some guys don't want to hear it. I've been with someone over a year and it hasn't been said, and I am very similar to you in the sense that I don't say stuff like that and find it hard. But I do love him. I told him last week that sometimes I fill up inside and I want to tell him that I love him and that I hold back because he never said it to me, and all he said was, " You know how I feel about you". I felt a bit done and I felt a bit hurt and I don't think I'll be telling him again in a hurry, so in a way it ruined my feelings for him. I think he's the one with the issues about it though, not me. I still love him, but I'm not going around advertising it.

I realise I've made him sound like a bit of a dick but he's not, he just isn't good with the whole display thing. Not verbally anyway. He is a very affectionate guy though and I feel love from him and he's incredibly caring and considerate, so I've decided what's more important is how we feel around each other, and not how we say we feel. Yes it's compromised my own little fantasy in my head of how it "should" be, but things aren't as they are sold to us when we're 5.

I wouldn't worry about it Op, if he's hinted at having kids with you, it's very highly likely the guy is a hundred percent in love with you and loves you and nothing you can say will make him leggit (unless it's "honey I'm having a sex change!") so I would put less pressure on yourself about what you're not saying and concentrate on the actions more than the words. I know what you mean though, I am not very god at expressing loving emotions myself, and it's scary to do it. But the impression I got from my partner was that it was like I was speaking a different language he didn't understand and once it gt back to "normal" stuff, he feels more comfortable to open up to me and let the love stuff happens naturally, as opposed to it being discussed.

Maybe, or maybe we have issues being "open" with each other, isn't that what a whole load of new age people would tell you these days? There's no rules though, to each his own I say. We'll see in time I guess.
Just my experience of it OP. Not everyone was born with the ability to say "I love You" to their romantic partner, and it's how you treat someone at the end of it all that matters, there's enough b*stards out there who'll sell the line and treat the person they claim to love like sh*t, so from what I can see, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference to the grand scheme of a relationship unless you're very young or immature, and you don't sound that at all. Many's an "I love you" has been used as a defence after someone walks all over you, so bear that in mind. Good luck.