first attempt, harsh criticism welcomed so go mad!

cwstuff

yeah basically its a poem about some homeless guy that died there in the streets. All tips etc wanted. I dunno if its any good, but i figure il post it here, see what reception is. I have another profile on boards, but Im fairly shy about that sort of stuff so. Anyway yeah, Its called free.

cwstuff

A shiver shakes his spine again,
Cold lips of night.
Kissing him softly
As the frost falls gentle, light.

Her touch was warm as she took his hand,
And led him slowly away,
Away from the cold, hard doorstep,
And back towards better days.

He saw his wife, recently passed,
He cried as they embraced,
Both free of the pain they endured in this life.
And all of the hardships they faced

Free from the hunger, the cold and the pain,
Free from the bottle, the wind and the rain,
Free from the taunting child, no respect,
Free from the sneers they had come to expect.

cwstuff

i kinda feel it needs a more definite end?

Matt Holck

sounds lovely

I'm tired of endings

Insect Overlord

The only technical criticism I could make is that the rhyming scheme is uneven, but that's not really important.

Otherwise I'd agree with Matt, it's a nice piece of poetry. Puts a pleasant twist on an otherwise brutal situation.

Poppy78

Lump in throat, eyes welling up.

Very nice.

cwstuff

hey guys... thanks for the comments so far! didnt exect such a positive response at all... im quite chuffed hahaha

cwstuff

forget that sentiment.

I later found out that said homeless man viciously beat his wife.

I am too romantic sometimes.. haha

peanuthead

cwstuff wrote: »

Cold lips of night.
Kissing him softly

Hey

I think its good, I like it. Just one little thing, The lines above would sound better IMO if they were run-on lines (just take the full-stop away after night;

"Cold lips of night
Kissing him softly"

pipsqueak

you know thats pretty good man, actually very good

btw excellent worthwhile thread, mods pls note!

Insect Overlord

pipsqueak wrote: »

you know thats pretty good man, actually very good

btw excellent worthwhile thread, mods pls note!

cwstuff

peanuthead wrote: »

Hey

I think its good, I like it. Just one little thing, The lines above would sound better IMO if they were run-on lines (just take the full-stop away after night;

"Cold lips of night
Kissing him softly"

yeah the first four lines flow better like that actually.

it was reading kinda awkward.

pipsqueak

like a poetry comp!

cwstuff

pipsqueak wrote: »

like a poetry comp!

huh? im really lost as to what you mean.

thanks for the compliements though!

Matt Holck

poetry feeds my muse best

pickarooney

Matt Holck wrote: »

poetry feeds my muse best

I daresay your muse is bulimic

Matt Holck

only mammals have mammary glands