Doomed to never spend Christmas day with other half..

LegacyUser

I know this is a bit of a silly personal issue compared to the more serious ones, but I would like some opinions on this.

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years now (I'm a girl as well and we're both 25)and we live together. She has been a huge part of my family's life for the past few years, but I have yet to meet any of her family because her mother doesn't approve of the gay thing and lives with her granny.

Whilst this is obviously a bit upsetting anyway, it becomes more apparent at Christmas because obviously I would love to spend the day in question with her. My family would love to have her over (we frequently host my sister's boyfriend), but we can't because her mother wouldn't approve. Equally my family would be happy for me to spend Christmas with her, but I can't because her family wouldn't have me.

It bothers me because obviously one wants to spend Christmas day being Christmassy with the one you love and I fear that this will never happen. I know it's quite selfish of me on many levels, because I know her family obviously want to spend Christmas with her as well - but I hate the idea of never being able to spend the day together.

She has promised me that we will in the future, but that could be thirty years away.

Is there a certain point in a relationship when one can unselfishly say that you want to spend Christmas together? Or is this not allowed until you have kids or are married?

Also our families live over 100 miles apart so neither of us can call into the other for an hour on the day.

Trinity

Most certainly its time to put a stop to this.

Granted no-one likes family trouble but its up to your partner to tell her mother look this is the person that i love, we are a family unit, we want to spend christmas day together and if she is not welcome here then i will spend it at her house and see you stephens day.

Its an awful awful situation for your partner to be in and also for you however her family will never accept you as a couple unless you stand united.

I would hate to be in either of your shoes, and chosing between family and lovers is horrible but after 4 years i would expect changes to happen and in this case its up to your partner to stand up for you herself and the relationship.

Overheal

My family would love to have her over (we frequently host my sister's boyfriend), but we can't because her mother wouldn't approve.

This is where I'd advise she draw the line. Her mother is welcome to disapprove and welcome to have her home off limits, bit to tell your 25 year old other half where she can't spend her time on Christmas Day?

Whats wrong with spending the morning with your immediate family (and better halves) and then spending the afternoon/evening with your extended familes?

metrovelvet

Can the two of you host Christmas day one year and invite everyone over?

challengemaster

Bit silly still taking orders from mammy at that age. Grown ups now...

metrovelvet

Overheal wrote: »

Whats wrong with spending the morning with your immediate family (and better halves) and then spending the afternoon/evening with your extended familes?

Did you miss the bit of the 100 miles apart?

Overheal

metrovelvet wrote: »

Did you miss the bit of the 100 miles apart?

88 Miles per hour?








A 100 miles, 2 hours drive, really? I mean thats just me, I'm used to traveling 16 hours on 2 flights and getting my ass felt up by 3 TSA agents (none of which, are ever attractive) to get where I'm going for christmas. In direct contrast, 100 miles should be a ****ing breeze.

Pherekydes

I have a gay sister and she has never spent Christmas apart from her partner. My folks were as dyed in the wool catholic as anyone, but they never objected to my sister, her partner or their being together at Christmas, regardless whose house they were in, including their own [Parents: it's early, I don't know if I was clear].

It's time for your partner's family to mature or your partner to decide if she wants to spend her Christmas with her partner or with her family.

I hope Christmas goes well for you.

Beruthiel

Isn't it time for your g/f to carry on as normal with her life and let her mother either take it or not? After all, she has nothing to be ashamed of, she should hold her head high and ignore her mothers ignorance.

There are many options for Christmas. Personally I love to spend it in my own house and go see the parents a couple of days later.
Ye could go to each parents house every second year.
Or if you have a car, as overheal suggests, one in the morning and the other in the evening.

Aurora Borealis

Ya poor thing, I feel for you. It's not selfish of you to want to spend Christmas cuddled up with your loved one at all. It's a hard one to deal with, all too easy to say she should stand up to her parents etc but obviously the sacrifice she would have to make for the rest of the year is the issue here. I know I'd feel the same as you. I love Christmas and it's always an important time of year for me in a relationship but with something as delicate as someones relationship with their parents I don't think you can say too much. Have you openly discussed your mutual plans as of yet for Christmas? Her parents despite their old-fashioned ways are clearly of great importance to her. I know if I were her I'd be going the other way and would long ago have made clear where I wanted to be for Christmas but there are obviously things that are causing her to hold back and that has to be respected. Maybe you could both batton down the hatches a few days before or after the 25th and have a second/separate Christmas for yourselves, with all the trimmings, bad tv, walks and presents. I think in your situation that's what I'd try to do.

Plek Trum

Ah.. so familiar!

I've been with my partner for 7 years, living together for the last 4 and we have yet to spend Xmas day together.. but out of choice!

We live very close to her parents home, my folks are about an hr's drive away. Both of us want to spend Chrsitmas with our families so we compromise. I head home to my parents Christmas Eve and she to hers, celebrate Christmas with our respective families and return St. Stephens day to our own home, exchange gifts, put down the fire, cook a lovely meal and have a complete 'US' day together. No mobiles, no interruptions, just the two of us together.

It has worked perfectly so far, and to be honest having that day to look forward to is like our own Xmas.. and therefore a second one ha ha! Maybe this is something you can consider doing, make it special and be inventive with ideas? Best of luck and remember even though its an important day, it really is only 24hrs.

hot2def

i pretty much in this exact situation, only me and the g/f are together 10 years now.

For various reasons I have to hold my peace for the moment, but one day, I am slapping her mother...

CathyMoran

Hi,

You have my sympathies - for the first 8 Christmases with my now husband we spent them apart - what was worse was that for 5 of those years he was in another country for Christmas. We only got to be together one Christmas before we got married because we were getting married on the 29th of the month! What we did was have video calls and very expensive phone bills in general - it was not ideal but it worked for us.

SpookyDoll

but we can't because her mother wouldn't approve.

So what if she doesn't approve, just accept that she doesn't approve and ignore her.

You are giving her way too much importance by allowing her to dictate what you do. You're 25 -thats an adult you can do what you like and frankly screw the begrudgers!

The aul one needs to learn to fall in with your way of doing things, not the other way around.

Why not have your own Chrimbo together and see how she likes that! ha!

metrovelvet

Overheal wrote: »

88 Miles per hour?


A 100 miles, 2 hours drive, really? I mean thats just me, I'm used to traveling 16 hours on 2 flights and getting my ass felt up by 3 TSA agents (none of which, are ever attractive) to get where I'm going for christmas. In direct contrast, 100 miles should be a ****ing breeze.

OH - Are you spending Christmas day travellinng within the US?

Far far easier than getting from one end of the country in Ireland to another in one afternoon on a Christmas Day. Seriously. Also, we dont know that the OP has a car.

[I know the TSA drill -good god they are getting worse- I feel your pain!]

iguana

Does her mother actually know she is gay and living with a partner? If not that would bother me more than the issue of xmas and finding a solution will be a less straightforward.

If she does at least know this then you need to have a chat with your gf about how much being apart at xmas is upsetting you. Plenty of couples spend xmas apart even when they each like each others families so you gf just might not see it as that big a deal. But if it is upsetting you so much then you both need to reach a solution.

From my perspective since I met my husband we've spent each christmas together, usually with his family and once just the two of us. I understand people wanting to be with their own family, but when you're in a relationship that person is your family too.

Dizzyblonde

If at any point my husband wasn't welcome in my family home, or anywhere else for that matter, I'd have stayed away too. It's just not on, and the fact that you're a same-sex couple shouldn't matter to those who love you.
I'd have next Christmas at yours, invite everyone, and if anyone chooses to stay away then it's their loss.
At your age if parents don't approve it's sad, but none of their business really.

wolfpawnat

In all fairness, 4 years together, now you really have to be having the most important day of the year together, I am only with my fella for 2 years and this is his first xmas without his dad and I am pregnant and he's insisting I come to his.

I would have thought families would be fighting to have both of ye over for the first xmas. So what if her mother doesn't approve. Ye love each other and want each other there. If her mum doesnt want you at hers for xmas, go to yours the 2 of you. When her mum realises you are going to spend xmas together regardless of her dated views, she may be far more willing to have ye. Please note tis is only my opinion, I keep an f you attitude if others dont like what I want.:)

LegacyUser

Eh? What's the problem exactly?

You're both 25. Your family is happy to host both of you. Two fingers to her family if they can't handle it.