"FRIENDSHIP" What's it all about?? & the hardest thing- how do you start new ones??

Serafina_jah

Hey There,

I'm interested in the whole topic of friendship.

I think there's so many types out there, ye got the surface level ones where ye kinda know them but more on a surface level, ye got the aquaintances, ye have the work friends and then ye have those bollaxes that ye can't shake off and insist on being your friend and calling ye everyfriday night:pac: Don't forget the most important ones- the real solid buddies that have been there all along.

I'm looking to make some of the latter ones but am finding it pretty hard

I have very few friends, but the ones I have are always there for me and I know I can just pick up where I left off with them. These friends though are ones i've had since I was a kid. Now i'm older, I find it really hard to make new friends. I've been moving around the past while which doesn't help, I'm not in college and I work on my own so I haven't really had the opportunity to make new friends.

I've just moved to Tallaght, and am looking for advice on the best way to make new friends, are there any good evening classes around?? Good social clubs?? I'm a nice girl in a relationship, not a mad drinker or clubber, don't smoke have a GSOH though and always up for a good laugh:p

Anyone out there in similar situations?? Any advice? Pearls of wisdom?

Stheno

You might be better off posting this in the Personal Issues forum.

Serafina_jah

Good thinking batman, thanks for that:) Do you know how i'd go about moving it to Personal issues??

dr.bollocko

Serafina_jah wrote: »

Good thinking batman, thanks for that:) Do you know how i'd go about moving it to Personal issues??

Done.
Good luck to you m'dear.

ozt9vdujny3srf

Meh, After hours is probably fine too.

In my view the best way is to join some kind of community or interest group. Be it a sports club (recreational or competitive) / chess/bridge/cards club.

If you can find something that you like the sound of, there'll be a club for it in dublin within range. Especially if you are a driver.

Cosantoir

Glad you put this up...in the same boat, but a little older then you:)

Serafina_jah

Yeayyyyyyy Cosantoir:o Someone in the same boat:) So what is your situation?? I think making new friends has a lot to do with confidence too, and i'm not rolling in it!! I constantly worry about what people think of me.

Cosantoir

Serafina_jah wrote: »

Yeayyyyyyy Cosantoir:o Someone in the same boat:) So what is your situation?? I think making new friends has a lot to do with confidence too, and i'm not rolling in it!! I constantly worry about what people think of me.

Think you hit the nail on the head:)Constantly worried about what people think of you and self confidence.....Had lots of friends at one stage cause we had a common bond but lost that and now few friends......:eek:

Serafina_jah

Cosantoir wrote: »

Think you hit the nail on the head:)Constantly worried about what people think of you and self confidence.....Had lots of friends at one stage cause we had a common bond but lost that and now few friends......:eek:

aww that sucks Cosantoir. It's so easy for groups to fall apart, i've found in the past that if one leaves or there's a little change like there had been a couple in the group and they split up it kind of has a detrimental dominoe effect on the whole group

Have you tried to make new friends yet? Any success?

Cosantoir

Serafina_jah wrote: »

aww that sucks Cosantoir. It's so easy for groups to fall apart, i've found in the past that if one leaves or there's a little change like there had been a couple in the group and they split up it kind of has a detrimental dominoe effect on the whole group

Have you tried to make new friends yet? Any success?

Well yes but I think you try to hard to find the friendships you had before but in reality you can't things:cool: change so quickly and it's just hard to find people you trust,,,,,

JoeyW

Hi Serafina Jah

I'm totally in the same boat too.

Have a few long term pals that are always there for me but we all seem to have seperate lives and don't meet up as often as I'd like.

I have a long term boyfriend too but we like to do our own thing at weekends. I'm lucky I have a really close family and I love spending time with my mum and sister but I'd really like to have a few more friends too.

My work mates are all a lot older than me and we would never meet out of work so thats impossible.

Did you think about posting to the Ladies Lounge meet ups? I added one tonight. I live in Kildare thought and most of them seem to be in Dublin but fingers corossed.

Best of luck

SarahJ

hey, you should visit the ladies lounge forum, alot of people are in your situation, and this forum is very welcoming

Serafina_jah

SarahJ wrote: »

hey, you should visit the ladies lounge forum, alot of people are in your situation, and this forum is very welcoming

Thanks for the heads up SarahJ i'm new to this, do you know if there is any way to post a thread in 2 locations? like could i have it here and in the ladies lounge?

Serafina_jah

JoeyW wrote: »

Hi Serafina Jah

I'm totally in the same boat too.

Have a few long term pals that are always there for me but we all seem to have seperate lives and don't meet up as often as I'd like.

I have a long term boyfriend too but we like to do our own thing at weekends. I'm lucky I have a really close family and I love spending time with my mum and sister but I'd really like to have a few more friends too.

My work mates are all a lot older than me and we would never meet out of work so thats impossible.

Did you think about posting to the Ladies Lounge meet ups? I added one tonight. I live in Kildare thought and most of them seem to be in Dublin but fingers corossed.

Best of luck

Hey JoeyW, Thanks for posting. Thats a good idea, I should check out the ladies lounge & Meet ups. Yeah i don't get to meet up with my long term friends as much as i'd like to either & they're so different from each other that we don't hang out together. I usually hang out with them seperatly so it's awkward I only really have 2 solid friends. I'd love to have lots more that would all get on well with each other. Maybe i'm dreaming!!

robjones

Hi Serafina_jah, totally in the same boat myself, and not sure what to do about it

Agree its got a lot to do with confidence, but even with all the confidence in the world, i think its still probably tough

missmatty

I was in the same boat a couple of years ago, and actually went out of my comfort zone to try to get out of it. I have met some new friends through net meet-ups (although not LL just yet!) which is great, once you get over the whole 'walking in there not knowing anyone' thing. Also going to stay with a new friend for a gig and a nite out soon, met her through travel in October.

I think just try to get yourself out there, take advantage of any opportunities to meet people. I do have several friends who I've known for around 10 years, met them through work and college, but some people don't make the effort to keep in touch when they change jobs or leave college, more's the pity.

Serafina_jah

Hey RobJones, Thanks for posting I agree with you on the confidence thought. Its probably still very hard to make true friends even if you have all the confidence in the world. I think, well maybe it's just in my case, that a lot of it has to do with trust also. You can meet new "friends" but unless you have trust, the friendship doesn't really develop too deeply. hmmm.

Truckle the Uncivil advised in an above post to join some social communities, interest, recreational or competitive groups. I guess joining new things is a good way to meet new people. Missmatty advises to just get out there and mingle. I guess once you get over the nerves and start new things, meeting new people could develop into making new friends.

I'd love to know what you're thinking of trying and how you get on. Keep us posted

LegacyUser

I think that the older you get the more common interests come into play. I recenlty joined a club of a sport I really enjoy and over the last few months have seen more of the members than those who I'd have considered my friends.

In fact, since having so much fun with these people and having common interests, I've realised just how much I have tried to fit in with my old gang of friends and never succeeding. To be honest, I always thought it was me but having clicked with so many new people over the last year or two, through the club and through the work I do, I have realised that the guys I normally hang out with aren't really friends at all - just people who are friends of a friend who I've tried my utmost to get along with and always felt like I was the odd one.

So in the last few months I have cut contact with some of them - it was always too much hard work and never that enjoyable.

I have one very good friend. Then I've another few decent friends whose company I enjoy - have known them for years (some from school/some from work).... then there are the new people I[ve met who are becoming more like friends - they are enthusiastic, enjoy getting out in nature and are just more "me".

Then there are the guys I've decided not to bother hanging around with.

I think the secret is just to be open - the more open you are, the more open other people will be. Not to the point of telling your deep secrets, but just open to being chatty and friendly and expressing opinions...

JoeyW

The confidence thing is such a big thing too. I always find I get so nervous and keep getting so preoccupied with what to do with my hands?? Bizarre! Maybe its something to do with being an ex-smoker!
I find also though that I can be very lazy, I'll often find someone will invite me out but I'll be all boring and want to sit in front of the telly for the night.
New Years Resolution: stop being so fecking lazy

Serafina_jah

Ahhh JoeyW- thats me all over!!! :)Sometimes friends would ask me out and i'd turn them down to sit in front of the T.v tututu lazy lazy me!! But also it's usually because people that I don't really know might be going too and they could be going clubbing which i just don't have the guts for. Nightclubs? Dancing? actually putting yourself out there I just don't have the confidence for. The very thought of dancing in front of people is so terrifying for me. No No, i'll keep that for the kitchen!! :P

missmatty

God yeah sometimes I just can't be bothered if nightclubs are involved, can only dance when hammered :pac: Not my scene really. And some weekends you just get an urge to stay in with a glass of wine and X-Factor. Nothing wrong with that either.

MintyDoris

It's amazing how many people feel this way
I was in a very long relationship and when that finished I realised that I had very few real friends. That was 3 years ago and while I have made some great connections since then I always figure there is room for a few more
The confidence thing is HUGE and maybe it takes a group of similarly minded people to encourage eachother.

If anyone is in the city centre area I would be up for meeeting for a few drinks/coffees etc after work PM me and we'll sort something out

No harm in giving it a go ...

Nyree

Clubs have a hard time getting members, especially male members for some reason. I've been in and out of different clubs. It's hard to make friends because with so few members, they are very cliquish. And I find you might join say a sports club to make friends mainly but everyone else is totally serious and obsessed about the sport and it becomes boring after a while.

Osteosam

Serafina_jah wrote: »

You can meet new "friends" but unless you have trust, the friendship doesn't really develop too deeply. hmmm.

You know I think the earlier post about expecting friendships to be what our old ones were is spot on... i know my "tried and true" friends who I can not speak to for months cause of life getting in the way then jump on the phone and it's like we've never been apart are the friends who I met at school or in situations where you spend extraordinary amounts of time together. New adult friendships don't tend to form in this "pressure cooker" type situation and so they naturally take a lot longer to build the consistency and trust.
I'll sound like a complete nutter here, but from my dog training psychology knowledge, the most important thing to building a trusting, working, positive relationship is the consistency... you will get moments of excellence if you go at it like a bull at a gate, but if you haven't laid the foundations in a slow steady consistent manner, when push comes to shove in times of need, the trust just isn't there.

So my advice would be to find a social circle you enjoy for the activity itself, be open to the others who are there also, without expecting fast firm friendships to form. And be consistent! If you're as friendly as you sound i'm sure there will be girls who'll extend the hand of friendship to you, and let it build from there.

One of the best definitions of friendship i've heard is "the consistent and mutual sharing of positive emotion"... so with that as a guide I'm hoping that friendships made once you get through that terrible teenage stage have the ability to become as deep and lasting.... at least i'm keeping my fingers crossed as soon i'll be in Ireland with not a friend to my name! Talk about throwing oneself in the deep end!!

Nyree

I hate nightclubs. I know people swear by them for meeting people but I don't think you'll meet a nice guy in a nightclub. The atmosphere is too highly charged and you can't have a conversation with the loud music. I don't mind dancing in front of people, although I admit the first dance is awkward but it used to be the old slow sets that would put the fear of God into me. I was terrified the guy would start groping me and kissing me in front of all those people. Especially in front of your friends or work colleagues, that's worse. So I always avoided nightclubs. Then people think you're a prude which is ridiculous and they lose interest in keeping in contact. It's very unfair.