Will my grieving boyfriend ever come back to me??

jenniferdew75

Me and my boyfriend of over 3 years broke up 2 months ago. It was my decision and it was a bad decision.
His father died in July of terminal cancer. so it was expected but still came as a shock. He died at home and my bf had to witness it.
At first he wanted me around all the time, i asked if he wanted space and he said he needed me more than ever. So I was there for him of course whenever he needed me. Then after awhile he changed abit, started wanting more time apart and going out more without me. His life goals also changed, he said instead of going travellin with me as we'd planned, he wanted to go with his friend who was already going, he also said he didnt want to marry till he was 40 which hurt me alot because he knew it was something that meant alot to me at the time. eventually we broke up but it was a harmonious breakup, we told each other we loved each other and wud always be there for each other.
I've realised over these 2 months apart that marriage doesn't actually mean all that much to me, if it's not with him then i dont even want it. I wud be willing to wait a lifetime to marry him rather than marry someone else tommorow. I was selfish.
He knows i wud like us to get back together and I know he still loves me and misses me as much as i miss him but he is reluctant to let me in because obviously he is still grieving. recently over the past few weeks he seems to be coming round although he still says he cant be with anybody right now and needs to be his own man. he told me he misses me and loves me and no one will replace me but he just wants to be friends for now. I told him that as long as i know he sees a future for us i will wait for him as long as it takes and he then said he didnt kno wat he wanted.
I know he is saying this because he is grieving and i've been told even the simplest decisions are hard when a person is grieving over the loss of a close loved one. I told him I love him and i am not going anywhere because i know wats going on and he can either ignore me or embrace me but the fact is im stayin put and ill always be there for him. He said he doesn't want me to resent him one day and i said thats not possible because i know wats really going on.
My question is am i doing the right thing or am i setting myself up for a long hard fall??
I know i was so selfish to leave him when I did and i regret it more than anything i've ever done in my entire life.

Amazotheamazing

What age is he?

My father died when was 17 and it definately messed me up for a while (in hindsight).

Hard and all as it is, all you can do is give him time. Hard to predict what'll happen though, it's was a pretty life changing event for me, I definately wasn't the same person afterwards, not in a bad way, just my perspective was changed on a lot of things.

Aurora Borealis

I think the best thing for you to do right now is concentrate on other areas of your life and allow him the space he needs to do whatever he needs. You are doing neither yourself nor him any favours by hoping and dreaming things are different. At least if you pick yourself up you'll be in a much better position to deal with whatever comes your way and you just don't know what might. I wouldn't advise jumping into another relationship for some time either as though it is all too tempting when you're feeling that way it does give the space you need to grow and heal either. Take some time for yourself, it's so beneficial when you do.

jenniferdew75

Thank you!

I have been told by someone who lost their father that I should just be myself and try not react to the grief. I should be the person he loves. If he is cold towards me i should tell him i love him. Not smother him but just keep reminding him that im there and not going anyway. The person thinks he is facing trust issues with the world and is scared of being close to anyone because he may lose them again and cannot face that pain. First his father dies and then i leave him. I feel like such a terrible person. I cry every night but not because were not together because of what i have done.

jenniferdew75

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

What age is he?

My father died when was 17 and it definately messed me up for a while (in hindsight).

Hard and all as it is, all you can do is give him time. Hard to predict what'll happen though, it's was a pretty life changing event for me, I definately wasn't the same person afterwards, not in a bad way, just my perspective was changed on a lot of things.

he is 22

MagicMarker

What part of the grieving process determines you have to go travelling with friends rather than with the person you love which had already been planned?

Sounds to me like he's bull****ting. I think he's liking the single life and is keeping you dangling until something better comes along.

IMO, of course.

jenniferdew75

MagicMarker wrote: »

What part of the grieving process determines you have to go travelling with friends rather than with the person you love which had already been planned?

Sounds to me like he's bull****ting. I think he's liking the single life and is keeping you dangling until something better comes along.

IMO, of course.

That was my initial reaction and my first plan was to cut contact with him. until i spoke to someone who had been through what he is going through. She was very firm in what she believed to be going on and i have every reason to believe she is right, because he is such a good, kind and caring person i do not believe he would do that to me. she believes if i cut contact with him, because he is in grieving, he will allow it to happen. which i also believe is true.

Linoge

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

That was my initial reaction and my first plan was to cut contact with him. until i spoke to someone who had been through what he is going through. She was very firm in what she believed to be going on and i have every reason to believe she is right, because he is such a good, kind and caring person i do not believe he would do that to me. she believes if i cut contact with him, because he is in grieving, he will allow it to happen. which i also believe is true.

He could have changed his "goals" because he knew that it would inniate a breakup. He's using grief as a reason not to get back with you now.... which is absolutely rediculous.

By the way, have you asked yourself why he is prepared to marry you, just not for another 20 years?? Surely if you are going to get married at all what difference does doing it 10-15 years earlier, especially if it would mean alot to you (and also, at 40 you're effectively ruling out kids).

MagicMarker

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

That was my initial reaction and my first plan was to cut contact with him. until i spoke to someone who had been through what he is going through. She was very firm in what she believed to be going on and i have every reason to believe she is right, because he is such a good, kind and caring person i do not believe he would do that to me. she believes if i cut contact with him, because he is in grieving, he will allow it to happen. which i also believe is true.

Even nice guys can do hurtful things...

Tbh, I really see no reason why the death of his father would result in him not wanting to be with you when he says he loves you as much as he does. It really doesn't make sense. As for traveling, fair enough he doesn't want to travel, but to ditch you and do it with a friend instead, why? Again, what possible reason for that?

Finally, he's 22, you've been together for 3 years, a long time for someone his your age. I broke up with a girl when I was 22 who I had been seeing for 4 years, I still loved her at the time, but I didn't want to be with her anymore, it was hard but had to be done.

As horrible as it sounds, when you broke up with him he got a taste of being single again, and he probably liked it. I don't think he wants to get back together with you, but he scared of telling you so, you being there for him whenever he wants is a comfort to him, why would he deny himself that?

I think you should do yourself a favour, and start moving on as soon as possible, because at the end of the day I think you'll only get hurt.

Terpsichore

I know men (grown ups) who would take the death of their parent as a big signal that you must love while you can and pray for the perfect partner to come along to share life and love.
He seems not to be at this point in his life.
You need to live life to the full for yourself. 22 is very very young.

Mr. Incognito

My Dad died in January and trust me the shock of it means you reappraise your life- maybe before he was happy to hang out with you and settle down but now he might want to go live a bit fuller because he realises that life really is short after all. I'd walk out of my job today if I didn't have to finish my final exams, once they are done- i'm gone.

Like you, I also ended up breaking up with my gf. Grief is a personal thing, and it's hard to talk to someone, no matter how close about it as it's not something you can describe, quantify or do anything about, it must just be endured until it subsides. It's a deep eching pain that no-one can take away and one needs to grieve before one can move on.

Give him his space, there is nothing you can do only wait. Time takes time.

Do not press him for answers- he doesn't have any right now as he's trying to rearrange his life.

jenniferdew75

Terpsichore wrote: »

I know men (grown ups) who would take the death of their parent as a big signal that you must love while you can and pray for the perfect partner to come along to share life and love.
He seems not to be at this point in his life.
You need to live life to the full for yourself. 22 is very very young.

Im living my life but at the same time i dont want to give up on him. I feel like i have nothing to lose. I feel because i left him he fears i may do it again and that is why he doesnt want to let me in again. I read when someone is grieving they block people out through fear of being hurt again.
We met up last friday and it went really well i could tell he missed me as much as i missed him but at the same time i cud see he was abit uncomfortable. I gave him a letter id wrote that said if there was any chance he missed me as much as i missed him then he shud let me know cos i will wait for him till hes ready to be with someone again. He said the letter made him cry. He said he cant be with anyone right now but he will never stop loving me. if he didn't care and didn't truly want to be with me then why wud the letter make him cry??
To me it seems as if he does want to be with me but the grieve is overtaking him and that is why he cant make a decision.

Puddleduck

Hi Jennifer,

Is it possible your looking for signs that he still loves you and wants you back because you want them to be there? Yes hes going through a hard time but you hanging back in the shadows waiting for him to piece himself together isnt right either. If your meant to be together, you will be. For now you need time apart. Or at least he wants it. Leave him have some space to sort out his head and figure out what he wants from his own life. You should do your own thing. You mentioned travelling, why dont you go travelling yourself, or with friends.

Breakups are hard at the best of times. And most people will question and second guess their decision to break up at some point, the guilt and tears come with that too. Thats all normal. However your further tormenting yourself by continually waiting for him to give you the green light that things will be ok. They may not be. This is a chance for you to make yourself a stronger person, distance yourself from him a little bit, he needs support, but perhaps your not the best person to give it right now.

Terpsichore

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

Im living my life but at the same time i dont want to give up on him. I feel like i have nothing to lose. I feel because i left him he fears i may do it again and that is why he doesnt want to let me in again. I read when someone is grieving they block people out through fear of being hurt again.
We met up last friday and it went really well i could tell he missed me as much as i missed him but at the same time i cud see he was abit uncomfortable. I gave him a letter id wrote that said if there was any chance he missed me as much as i missed him then he shud let me know cos i will wait for him till hes ready to be with someone again. He said the letter made him cry. He said he cant be with anyone right now but he will never stop loving me. if he didn't care and didn't truly want to be with me then why wud the letter make him cry??
To me it seems as if he does want to be with me but the grieve is overtaking him and that is why he cant make a decision.

Sorry if I sound a bit too strong, but when the toy is broken, you can't play with it anymore.
He is crying because it's a terrible thing to loose a close one, and because he is deeply touched by your commitment to him. He's crying because he can't be with you now. And he doesn't know if he will ever be again. Let him be totally for a while. And see how things are in a few months time. Don't prevent yourself from living though. He would'nt want that if he really loves you. At the end of the day, it does take two to tango. You can't force someone to love you or be with you. It's terribly tough, but if and when he will be able to be with you again, he will let you know.

jenniferdew75

Puddleduck wrote: »

Hi Jennifer,

Is it possible your looking for signs that he still loves you and wants you back because you want them to be there? Yes hes going through a hard time but you hanging back in the shadows waiting for him to piece himself together isnt right either. If your meant to be together, you will be. For now you need time apart. Or at least he wants it. Leave him have some space to sort out his head and figure out what he wants from his own life. You should do your own thing. You mentioned travelling, why dont you go travelling yourself, or with friends.

Breakups are hard at the best of times. And most people will question and second guess their decision to break up at some point, the guilt and tears come with that too. Thats all normal. However your further tormenting yourself by continually waiting for him to give you the green light that things will be ok. They may not be. This is a chance for you to make yourself a stronger person, distance yourself from him a little bit, he needs support, but perhaps your not the best person to give it right now.

Thank you, ive made lots of plans already for the followin year that dont include my ex.
Holidays etc.
I've had 3 boyfriends in my life and none meant as much to be as this one. I love him deeply and feel if i just give up hope and move on i will be throwin away the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. I know he's not gonna come running after me, simply because he doesnt have the power within him at the moment. The way i look at it is, he is within a black cloud. He is not himself and the decisions he makes are not really wat he wants, he is doing the opposite to what he wants. He told me he is still havin trouble sleeping at night and he is going to work but not actually doing any work. This is not the man i know he is a hard worker and loves his sleep.

Zulu

Sounds to me that he set you up to split up with him.
He doesn't want to get back together with you - however he might use you as a crutch at some stage.

I know you can't see that at the moment, but I'd happily wager that in 5 years time, you'll agree with me.

Move on.

Sorry.

Amazotheamazing

MagicMarker wrote: »

Even nice guys can do hurtful things...

Tbh, I really see no reason why the death of his father would result in him not wanting to be with you when he says he loves you as much as he does. It really doesn't make sense. As for traveling, fair enough he doesn't want to travel, but to ditch you and do it with a friend instead, why? Again, what possible reason for that?

Finally, he's 22, you've been together for 3 years, a long time for someone his your age. I broke up with a girl when I was 22 who I had been seeing for 4 years, I still loved her at the time, but I didn't want to be with her anymore, it was hard but had to be done.

As horrible as it sounds, when you broke up with him he got a taste of being single again, and he probably liked it. I don't think he wants to get back together with you, but he scared of telling you so, you being there for him whenever he wants is a comfort to him, why would he deny himself that?

I think you should do yourself a favour, and start moving on as soon as possible, because at the end of the day I think you'll only get hurt.

Dude, no offence, but unless you've lost your father you can't understand the implications and how it changes everything. Apologies in advance if you have.

I was devastated (again, in hindsight), I was a dick to my mates, to my girlfriend, to everyone really. Not intentionally, I didn't even realise what I was doing, but I was. He's probably going through the same thing, and he probably isn't aware of what he's even doing. If the OP thinks he is worth it, then give him time.

Zulu

Rubbish. I lost my mother in similar circumstances. Granted you're a bit all over the shop, but you are still responsible for your actions.
The chap doesn't want to be with her for what ever reasons and is stringing her along.

It quite simple really: if he wanted to be with her, he would be.
However, he's not.

Amazotheamazing

Zulu wrote: »

Rubbish. I lost my mother in similar circumstances. Granted you're a bit all over the shop, but you are still responsible for your actions.
The chap doesn't want to be with her for what ever reasons and is stringing her along.

It quite simple really: if he wanted to be with her, he would be.
However, he's not.

It's early days yet though, and she broke it off with him. He probably is a little wary. I wouldn't be in rush to write off a long term relationship from her point of view. He has a lot going on, you can't expect the right decision every time.

St Bill

OP, your boyfriend is going through a tough time right now, but he still has to carry on living and treating the people around him with respect. He should make it clear whether or not he wants a relationship with you. He's keeping you hanging on because he just doesn't know what he wants.
It's good that you care about your ex, but don't let it take over your life, and don't keep making excuses for him because his father died.

Zulu

St Bill wrote: »

He's keeping you hanging on because he just doesn't know what he wants.
It's good that you care about your ex, but don't let it take over your life, and don't keep making excuses for him because his father died.

QFT.

LegacyUser

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

It's early days yet though, and she broke it off with him. He probably is a little wary. I wouldn't be in rush to write off a long term relationship from her point of view. He has a lot going on, you can't expect the right decision every time.

I wanna thank u for ur support amazotheamazing.

I also posted on a forum especially dedicated to grieving and I've found the people who have no idea what its like to lose a close loved one have said he is playing me for a fool and keepin me on tenter hooks incase nothin better comes along and i should move on and forget him.

I don't believe for a second that is what he's doing because he is such a good, kind and caring person and i know he loves me deeply and would do nothing to hurt me intentionally.

It is only people who have experienced extreme grieve like he is that have told me, i should give him the time he needs and show him that im there for him. However long it may take.

If he knew what he wanted he would tell me to move on, rather than saying he wants to be friends FOR NOW, and then saying he didnt know.

I've found that every few days he will text me just asking how i am and how my family is. Like clockwork, every 3 days he does it. and i respond of course in a friendly tone and recently he started to come out and started calling me the old name he used to call me when we were together, telling me to be safe etc.

I do feel in my heart we will be together again, im not sure when but i feel we will and until that day i am going to be there for him in any way he needs me and i am going to show him i love him and give him the integrity and routine that i believe he needs to feel from me.

jenniferdew75

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

It's early days yet though, and she broke it off with him. He probably is a little wary. I wouldn't be in rush to write off a long term relationship from her point of view. He has a lot going on, you can't expect the right decision every time.

I wanna thank u for ur support amazotheamazing.

I also posted on a forum especially dedicated to grieving and I've found the people who have no idea what its like to lose a close loved one have said he is playing me for a fool and keepin me on tenter hooks incase nothin better comes along and i should move on and forget him.

I don't believe for a second that is what he's doing because he is such a good, kind and caring person and i know he loves me deeply and would do nothing to hurt me intentionally.

It is only people who have experienced extreme grieve like he is that have told me, i should give him the time he needs and show him that im there for him. However long it may take.

If he knew what he wanted he would tell me to move on, rather than saying he wants to be friends FOR NOW, and then saying he didnt know.

I've found that every few days he will text me just asking how i am and how my family is. Like clockwork, every 3 days he does it. and i respond of course in a friendly tone and recently he started to come out and started calling me the old name he used to call me when we were together, telling me to be safe etc.

I do feel in my heart we will be together again, im not sure when but i feel we will and until that day i am going to be there for him in any way he needs me and i am going to show him i love him and give him the integrity and routine that i believe he needs to feel from me.

MagicMarker

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

I wanna thank u for ur support amazotheamazing.

I also posted on a forum especially dedicated to grieving and I've found the people who have no idea what its like to lose a close loved one have said he is playing me for a fool and keepin me on tenter hooks incase nothin better comes along and i should move on and forget him.

I don't believe for a second that is what he's doing because he is such a good, kind and caring person and i know he loves me deeply and would do nothing to hurt me intentionally.

It is only people who have experienced extreme grieve like he is that have told me, i should give him the time he needs and show him that im there for him. However long it may take.

If he knew what he wanted he would tell me to move on, rather than saying he wants to be friends FOR NOW, and then saying he didnt know.

I've found that every few days he will text me just asking how i am and how my family is. Like clockwork, every 3 days he does it. and i respond of course in a friendly tone and recently he started to come out and started calling me the old name he used to call me when we were together, telling me to be safe etc.

I do feel in my heart we will be together again, im not sure when but i feel we will and until that day i am going to be there for him in any way he needs me and i am going to show him i love him and give him the integrity and routine that i believe he needs to feel from me.

To be fair, did you come here to get advice or to just listen to what you wanted to hear?

Why is he alienating you and only you? He wanted more time apart from you, he didn't want to go traveling with you. If he were being like this to everyone then I'd probably be saying to hang on in there and support him, but he's not. You are the only one he doesn't want to be with right now, he's going out more with friends, not you.

So why, as part of his grieving, does he not want to see you anymore, after 3 years together? Can you really think of any reason for that apart from the fact that it's because he doesn't want to be with you?

He may not be leading you on in a malicious way, he may be too young and naive to really know what he's doing. Yes, he's so kind and caring and nice and he loves you deeply blah blah, that really is irrelevant tbh, if he wants to be single then love doesn't really come into it, for a couple as young as you are in a relationship as long as you have been in, it's almost inevitable that one wants to break free and live their life for fear they're ''missing out''. It doesn't mean he hates you, it doesn't mean he wants to hurt you, it just means he wants to experience life on his own, hence why he wants to travel with his friends rather than you.

Feel free to 'wait' for him, that's your prerogative, but don't be surprised if you're waiting for a really, really long time.

jenniferdew75

MagicMarker wrote: »

To be fair, did you come here to get advice or to just listen to what you wanted to hear?

Why is he alienating you and only you? He wanted more time apart from you, he didn't want to go traveling with you. If he were being like this to everyone then I'd probably be saying to hang on in there and support him, but he's not. You are the only one he doesn't want to be with right now, he's going out more with friends, not you.

So why, as part of his grieving, does he not want to see you anymore, after 3 years together? Can you really think of any reason for that apart from the fact that it's because he doesn't want to be with you?

He may not be leading you on in a malicious way, he may be too young and naive to really know what he's doing. Yes, he's so kind and caring and nice and he loves you deeply blah blah, that really is irrelevant tbh, if he wants to be single then love doesn't really come into it, for a couple as young as you are in a relationship as long as you have been in, it's almost inevitable that one wants to break free and live their life for fear they're ''missing out''. It doesn't mean he hates you, it doesn't mean he wants to hurt you, it just means he wants to experience life on his own, hence why he wants to travel with his friends rather than you.

Feel free to 'wait' for him, that's your prerogative, but don't be surprised if you're waiting for a really, really long time.

It's not just me he's pushing away, he's also moved out of his home and left his mum. I know that when someone is grieving they often push away the ones they love the most. so to be honest the fact he is pushing me away and no one is quite flattering to me.

The reason he wants to travel with his friend and not me is because his friend is always going and he knows he can say he'll go with him and actually do it. where as us as a couple are dreamers. I'm in college at themoment and so money was an issue. he would always pester me about saving etc and deep down he knew i wud never be able to afford. he said he wants to go with me but if he didnt go with his mate he wud regret for the rest of his life.

Zulu

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

I also posted on a forum especially dedicated to grieving and I've found the people who have no idea what its like to lose a close loved one have said he is playing me for a fool and keepin me on tenter hooks incase nothin better comes along and i should move on and forget him.

Hey listen, I hope it works out for you, but I gave you advice contrary to that. Perhaps you are only hearing what you want to hear? Why would you need to seek advice on multiple forumns unless you weren't sure? Where do you think that notion of doubt stems from?

I don't believe for a second that is what he's doing because he is such a good, kind and caring person and i know he loves me deeply and would do nothing to hurt me intentionally.

Of course you don't, you believe you love him. Maybe you do. How could you love someone who'd intentionally hurt you???
And hey, he's probably doesn't intend to hurt you, however he won't let you get on with your life, will he?

It is only people who have experienced extreme grieve like he is that have told me, i should give him the time he needs and show him that im there for him. However long it may take.

It's really sweet that you'd wait for him to change his mind. Romantic to boot. I hope that works out for you, I guess it always does in hollywood. There's no reason you guys can't have a hollywood romance now is there?

If he knew what he wanted he would tell me to move on, rather than saying he wants to be friends FOR NOW, and then saying he didnt know.

Of course he would. Although if he really did love you, he'd lie and tell you to move on, wouldn't he? Surely he'd want your life to progress and he wouldn't want to leave you in limbo land where you don't know where you stand

I do feel in my heart we will be together again, im not sure when but i feel we will and until that day i am going to be there for him in any way he needs me and i am going to show him i love him and give him the integrity and routine that i believe he needs to feel from me.

Good for you

metrovelvet

Some people need a lot of distance when they are in mourning. They need to get away from all the reminders and all the people who are close to them. I did this also, because the intensity of mourning is exhausting. I didnt want to speak to anyone who was close to me. I cant explain why, it was just this overriding need to flee.

I would take no heed of the people here saying he's using his grief as an excuse to dump you. He doesnt need an excuse to dump you.

MagicMarker

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

It's not just me he's pushing away, he's also moved out of his home and left his mum. I know that when someone is grieving they often push away the ones they love the most. so to be honest the fact he is pushing me away and no one is quite flattering to me.

I don't think it's unusual for a guy of 22 to move out of the house, I would hardly call it pushing his mother away. As for loving you the most, I'm sorry but that sounds awfully like you clutching at straws tbh.

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

The reason he wants to travel with his friend and not me is because his friend is always going and he knows he can say he'll go with him and actually do it. where as us as a couple are dreamers. I'm in college at themoment and so money was an issue. he would always pester me about saving etc and deep down he knew i wud never be able to afford. he said he wants to go with me but if he didnt go with his mate he wud regret for the rest of his life.

In your first post you insinuate that you had actual plans to travel together and he changed his mind to travel with friends. Now you're saying you didn't have any real plans, it was just talk and you knew you'd never be able to anyway.... which is it? Why do you originally misrepresent yourself to emphasize his pushing you away, and now play it down to counteract the argument that it may have been his way of ending the relationship?

jenniferdew75

QUOTE=MagicMarker;58204063]I don't think it's unusual for a guy of 22 to move out of the house, I would hardly call it pushing his mother away. As for loving you the most, I'm sorry but that sounds awfully like you clutching at straws tbh.

In your first post you insinuate that you had actual plans to travel together and he changed his mind to travel with friends. Now you're saying you didn't have any real plans, it was just talk and you knew you'd never be able to anyway.... which is it? Why do you originally misrepresent yourself to emphasize his pushing you away, and now play it down to counteract the argument that it may have been his way of ending the relationship?[/QUOTE]


because i'm as confused as he is??? first he's sayin he loves me and missin me and callin me 'his baby' in text msgs and next he cant be with anybody, i understand theres a difference between lovin someone and wantin to be with them. but why wud he feel the need to keep me in his life as much as he is....textin every 3 days?? if he didnt want me i'd expect him to text maybe every month or so just to check am ok. i dunno.
We had visions to go travelling but nothin was cemented....like i said we were dreamers we'd say we'd do something and then never do it. we intended to go but wether we wud get round to it or not is a dif story.

Zulu

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

because i'm as confused as he is??? first he's sayin he loves me and missin me and callin me 'his baby' in text msgs and next he cant be with anybody,...

If you loved someone, would you want to be with them? or not??

jenniferdew75

Zulu wrote: »

If you loved someone, would you want to be with them? or not??

Well yeah i personally would?? wouldnt you??

Zulu

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

Well yeah i personally would?? wouldnt you??

Of course I would. And yet he doesn't want to be with you. What does that tell you?

jenniferdew75

Zulu wrote: »

Of course I would. And yet he doesn't want to be with you. What does that tell you?

He doesn't love me??
I find that kinda hard to believe? i dont think it's as simple as that.
If he didnt love me he wouldnt feel the need to have me in his life at all surely?? he is the one comin to me with texts every 3 days.

shellyboo

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

He doesn't love me??
I find that kinda hard to believe? i dont think it's as simple as that.
If he didnt love me he wouldnt feel the need to have me in his life at all surely?? he is the one comin to me with texts every 3 days.

This may sound harsh, but texts do not equal love. You can want to have someone in your life without being involved with them romantically, and seeing as you guys were together for so long, he may need the comfort of knowing you're there for him without wanting to be with you... a crutch of sorts. If he wasn't grieving, people would be telling you that he's just using you as a backup option until something better comes along, but I don't think that's true in this case - he's clearly comforted by knowing you're there waiting for him... but that doesn't mean he wants to be with you, I'm afraid.

By all means, be understanding, be there for him, be his friend... but do not be his doormat while he decides whether he wants you or not. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to come back for you when that may never happen.

jenniferdew75

shellyboo wrote: »

This may sound harsh, but texts do not equal love. You can want to have someone in your life without being involved with them romantically, and seeing as you guys were together for so long, he may need the comfort of knowing you're there for him without wanting to be with you... a crutch of sorts. If he wasn't grieving, people would be telling you that he's just using you as a backup option until something better comes along, but I don't think that's true in this case - he's clearly comforted by knowing you're there waiting for him... but that doesn't mean he wants to be with you, I'm afraid.

By all means, be understanding, be there for him, be his friend... but do not be his doormat while he decides whether he wants you or not. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to come back for you when that may never happen.

Thank you, i am gonna do just that. ive realised wen i was simply a friend to him without the mushy texts he started to come out of his shell abit and started callin me the nickname he called me and tellin me to be safe for no reason. maybe because he didnt feel pressured. so thats the plan. Ill be his friend, i wont bombard him with i love u texts ill simply say it when i feel the need to say it.

MagicMarker

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

Thank you, i am gonna do just that. ive realised wen i was simply a friend to him without the mushy texts he started to come out of his shell abit and started callin me the nickname he called me and tellin me to be safe for no reason. maybe because he didnt feel pressured. so thats the plan. Ill be his friend, i wont bombard him with i love u texts ill simply say it when i feel the need to say it.

No!! You don't act like a friend so he'll start sending you loved up texts! You act like a friend because right now, that's all you are!!

I'm sorry, I see this ending very badly for you. While it's obviously you care for him a lot, you're being very naive in your way of thinking.

Normally I'd recommend that you tell him that you're either a couple or your nothing, because friendship in this situation won't work. But right now you're so blinded by love that you really don't care what anyone tells you, you're going to twist it all to suit your own idealist way of thinking, because you can't accept that he may not want a relationship with you anymore, well believe it or not things end, whether we want them to or not.

MagicMarker

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

ive realised wen i was simply a friend to him without the mushy texts he started to come out of his shell abit and started callin me the nickname he called me and tellin me to be safe for no reason. maybe because he didnt feel pressured.

Or maybe he feels lonely and misses the closeness at that time, and sends you a mushy text or two to jump start you up? I'm sorry but this fact alone makes it blindingly obvious that he doesn't want a relationship, he's just too immature to actually make a clean break! He's probably afraid of hurting you so thinks it's better to just keep you hanging on.

I know you don't believe any of this, but this guy is playing some serious mind games with you. You really need to open your eyes here. There's being hopeful, and there's being foolish. Personally, I think you're way past hopeful.

Linoge

Zulu wrote: »

Perhaps you are only hearing what you want to hear? Why would you need to seek advice on multiple forumns unless you weren't sure?

QFT

OP, dismissing peoples opinions because they have not suffered the same grief as your boyfriend is ridiculous. The same way as going solely on someone has suffered is ridiculous.

Some of the posters in here make complete sense and obviously have alot of experience with relationships, people and breakups. This is the advise that you need to hear. What you are going through here is a breakup and the aftermath. You need to do is remove your boyfriends grief from the equation. His father died in July, at this stage he must have regained some amount of normailty back into his life.

From what I have read, it is you who is making the assumption that he doesn't want to get back with you because of his grieving. As has been said many times before, you are clutching at straws. Once you remove his fathers death, this is a pretty standard seen it all before breakup.

Zulu

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

Thank you, i am gonna do just that. ive realised wen i was simply a friend to him without the mushy texts he started to come out of his shell abit and started callin me the nickname he called me and tellin me to be safe for no reason. maybe because he didnt feel pressured. so thats the plan. Ill be his friend, i wont bombard him with i love u texts ill simply say it when i feel the need to say it.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.


Oh dear.

OP if you can't be his friend - don't be. It's not healthy for you, and it's not helpful for him. If you can't be his friend, then YOU need space, not him.

A plan to win his heart back as described above is a disastrous idea, please don't do that. It won't work. You'll end up hurt. And lets face it - love isn't about setting traps or playing games.

I understand I'm telling you the exact opposite to what you want to hear, and you've pretty much made up your mind - and thats cool, sometimes we need to learn our own lessons by ourselves. Just remember if it goes pear shaped, you're welcome here.

shellyboo

Zulu wrote: »

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Oh dear.

/facepalm :pac:

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

Thank you, i am gonna do just that. ive realised wen i was simply a friend to him without the mushy texts he started to come out of his shell abit and started callin me the nickname he called me and tellin me to be safe for no reason. maybe because he didnt feel pressured. so thats the plan. Ill be his friend, i wont bombard him with i love u texts ill simply say it when i feel the need to say it.

Ok, you completely took me up the wrong way. When I said you need to be there for him as a friend, I meant you should be there for him as a friend, for HIM, and not because you have an ulterior motive. Just look at what you wrote! You're going to be his friend after he lost his Dad because it will make him want to be with you again? Selfish, OP... very selfish.

What I meant was that you need to realise that the relationship is over and move on - but obviously you cannot abandon your ex, which would be the best thing to do in most cases, but since he's just lost his Dad this would be extremely heartless.

The reason that he was intimate when you were friendly is beacuse he is needy and craving intimacy and comfort, who wouldn't be at a time like that? He wants to know he has you there to fall back on - that's a selfish way for him to behave, but in his circumstances it's understandable.

But OP - if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. There's nothing realistically stopping him, there's nothing in his way... he's made his choice. And his choice is not to be with you.

You cannot live your life waiting and hoping that he's coming back to you. It's hugely self-destructive for you, and it gives him licence to mess you around and keep you as a comfort blanket for as long as he needs one until he moves on from his father's death, and from the relationship. And while he certainly can't be blamed for needing or wanting that, he's not doing you any favours in the meantime - you're the one who's going to get hurt unless you realise that you need to move on.

jenniferdew75

Zulu wrote: »

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.


Oh dear.

OP if you can't be his friend - don't be. It's not healthy for you, and it's not helpful for him. If you can't be his friend, then YOU need space, not him.

A plan to win his heart back as described above is a disastrous idea, please don't do that. It won't work. You'll end up hurt. And lets face it - love isn't about setting traps or playing games.

I understand I'm telling you the exact opposite to what you want to hear, and you've pretty much made up your mind - and thats cool, sometimes we need to learn our own lessons by ourselves. Just remember if it goes pear shaped, you're welcome here.

Thanks all for the replies!!! Contrare to what u all may think i actually posted because i want peoples opinions wether i agree with them or not.
It's hard for me when i have some people telling me to hang on and give him time and he'll come to me
and some people saying it's not gonna happen and i need to move on.
Am trying to follow my heart but even thats not clear anymore. i woke up this mornin feelin doubtful. That maybe tellin him i love him is not the right thing to do.

When we first split up I was on top of the world, of course i was sad it ended but i think because it was me that ended it i felt in control. For the first month i was fine, i stupidly had a rebound which lasted 2 weeks! It wasn't until the second month i started to miss him. I think because it was me that ended it, i feel guilty and thats why i feel i should do everything in my power to get us back together/show him that im sorry. So while part of me thinking '**** him' the other parts feeling guilty and because i love him so much, im going with the guilt.

LegacyUser

sounds like maybe the whole event had a life changing effect on him but maybe not in the way you think it did. From my own similar experience, i think he might have realised just how short life really is and doesn't want to settle down right now....there's so much to see and do....and there's no rush at all to get married.

jenniferdew75

Unregistered wrote: »

sounds like maybe the whole event had a life changing effect on him but maybe not in the way you think it did. From my own similar experience, i think he might have realised just how short life really is and doesn't want to settle down right now....there's so much to see and do....and there's no rush at all to get married.

We had something very special together, ive never been as close to anyone as i was with him. Which i guess is why im hoping he'll come back one day.

Zulu

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

We had something very special together, ive never been as close to anyone as i was with him. Which i guess is why im hoping he'll come back one day.

Ah, that's totally understandable. And what your going through is a horrible thing, but you are going through this for a reason, and in the end, you'll be stronger and wiser for it.
You'll also be in a much happier place. The only problem is you need to go through all this pain first to get there.
But, don't kid yourself - you HAVE to go through this pain* at some stage, so the quicker you accept that the better in the long run.

(*assuming you don't get back together, but tbh from what I'm reading I really would advise you to let go of that idea.)

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

It's hard for me when i have some people telling me to hang on and give him time and he'll come to me
and some people saying it's not gonna happen and i need to move on.
Am trying to follow my heart but even thats not clear anymore.

Of course it's hard. In your heart, you'd love if he came back to you and said it was all a big mistake, but I think you hear a faint distant voice telling you that that isn't going to happen. It's that distant voice thats wrecking your head, and it's wrecking your head because it's honest. It's right.

When we first split up I was on top of the world, of course i was sad it ended but i think because it was me that ended it i felt in control. For the first month i was fine,

Sure you did, everything was new. Then the hundrum crept in and you started to miss the comfort of the relationship.

i stupidly had a rebound which lasted 2 weeks!

Don't worry about this. Forget about it. Everyone does it and everyone thinks it's crap.

I think because it was me that ended it, i feel guilty and thats why i feel i should do everything in my power to get us back together/show him that im sorry.

I'll tell you what I did: a very good friend of mine, who I really respected gave me some advice, and I followed it.
He told me to write a letter.
I wrote about 4 foolscaps on how I felt; where I taught it went wrong; how I felt it could change; my deepest feelings. This worked wonders in putting everything straight in my head, because I had to think everything through in order to write a sensible letter.
Granted I never gave the letter to her, I didn't have the balls but it's a valuable exercise, and I think it'll help you. If you do give it to him, then your argument for your relationship is all there, he can consider it and make a decision. It also gives you the comfort of a final decision. You won't tourer yourself wondering if you should have said this, should have done that...

What ever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you.

shellyboo wrote: »

but obviously you cannot abandon your ex, which would be the best thing to do in most cases, but since he's just lost his Dad this would be extremely heartless.

This is about the only think Shellyboo is saying that I disagree with. You can leave your ex. He has other friends and family, so if you need space - feel free to take it.

jenniferdew75

Zulu wrote: »

Ah, that's totally understandable. And what your going through is a horrible thing, but you are going through this for a reason, and in the end, you'll be stronger and wiser for it.
You'll also be in a much happier place. The only problem is you need to go through all this pain first to get there.
But, don't kid yourself - you HAVE to go through this pain* at some stage, so the quicker you accept that the better in the long run.

(*assuming you don't get back together, but tbh from what I'm reading I really would advise you to let go of that idea.)

Of course it's hard. In your heart, you'd love if he came back to you and said it was all a big mistake, but I think you hear a faint distant voice telling you that that isn't going to happen. It's that distant voice thats wrecking your head, and it's wrecking your head because it's honest. It's right.

Sure you did, everything was new. Then the hundrum crept in and you started to miss the comfort of the relationship.
Don't worry about this. Forget about it. Everyone does it and everyone thinks it's crap.
I'll tell you what I did: a very good friend of mine, who I really respected gave me some advice, and I followed it.
He told me to write a letter.
I wrote about 4 foolscaps on how I felt; where I taught it went wrong; how I felt it could change; my deepest feelings. This worked wonders in putting everything straight in my head, because I had to think everything through in order to write a sensible letter.
Granted I never gave the letter to her, I didn't have the balls but it's a valuable exercise, and I think it'll help you. If you do give it to him, then your argument for your relationship is all there, he can consider it and make a decision. It also gives you the comfort of a final decision. You won't tourer yourself wondering if you should have said this, should have done that...

What ever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you.

This is about the only think Shellyboo is saying that I disagree with. You can leave your ex. He has other friends and family, so if you need space - feel free to take it.

Thank you once again

I actually already wrote him a letter and when we met last friday i gave it to him.
It basically said that if he missed me as much as i missed him and he did want to get back together then nothing would have to change, i wouldnt want to go back to that old routine we had, he could stay living with his friend and he of course could go travelling!!....

Thats when i got the texts saying he loved me and missed me and just wanted to be friends FOR NOW.

Before this i had very little hope and was doing everything in my power to move on, but then came the meeting, i could tell he missed me as much as i missed him, i could see it in his eyes, he took every opportunity to touch me etc.

but because ive offered him everything he's ever wanted whilst also having me too i'm becoming even more doubtful....

Zulu

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

I actually already wrote him a letter and when we met last friday i gave it to him.
It basically said that if he missed me as much as i missed him and he did want to get back together...
Thats when i got the texts saying he loved me and missed me and just wanted to be friends FOR NOW.

Ok, so he want's to be friends. He does not want to be your lover. He doesn't want to be with you. Sorry.

The "for now" is bullshit. You can replace that with "it's not you it's me" or "I love you, I'm not in love with you". It's a breakup cliché. Sorry.

i could tell he missed me as much as i missed him, i could see it in his eyes, he took every opportunity to touch me etc.

Of course he did. You guys have been together for a long time. That's how you used to interact; that's what's natural to him. However, he wants to change that now.

jenniferdew75

Zulu wrote: »

Ah, that's totally understandable. And what your going through is a horrible thing, but you are going through this for a reason, and in the end, you'll be stronger and wiser for it.
You'll also be in a much happier place. The only problem is you need to go through all this pain first to get there.
But, don't kid yourself - you HAVE to go through this pain* at some stage, so the quicker you accept that the better in the long run.

(*assuming you don't get back together, but tbh from what I'm reading I really would advise you to let go of that idea.)

Of course it's hard. In your heart, you'd love if he came back to you and said it was all a big mistake, but I think you hear a faint distant voice telling you that that isn't going to happen. It's that distant voice thats wrecking your head, and it's wrecking your head because it's honest. It's right.

Sure you did, everything was new. Then the hundrum crept in and you started to miss the comfort of the relationship.
Don't worry about this. Forget about it. Everyone does it and everyone thinks it's crap.
I'll tell you what I did: a very good friend of mine, who I really respected gave me some advice, and I followed it.
He told me to write a letter.
I wrote about 4 foolscaps on how I felt; where I taught it went wrong; how I felt it could change; my deepest feelings. This worked wonders in putting everything straight in my head, because I had to think everything through in order to write a sensible letter.
Granted I never gave the letter to her, I didn't have the balls but it's a valuable exercise, and I think it'll help you. If you do give it to him, then your argument for your relationship is all there, he can consider it and make a decision. It also gives you the comfort of a final decision. You won't tourer yourself wondering if you should have said this, should have done that...

What ever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you.

This is about the only think Shellyboo is saying that I disagree with. You can leave your ex. He has other friends and family, so if you need space - feel free to take it.

Zulu wrote: »

Ok, so he want's to be friends. He does not want to be your lover. He doesn't want to be with you. Sorry.

The "for now" is bullshit. You can replace that with "it's not you it's me" or "I love you, I'm not in love with you". It's a breakup cliché. Sorry.

Of course he did. You guys have been together for a long time. That's how you used to interact; that's what's natural to him. However, he wants to change that now.

Thanks, i agree with everyone. i dont think he's coming back to me, at least not any time soon.
I believe one day in the future he may tho....in the distant future that is. I think we both need to grow at the moment and im gonna focus on the constructive/positive things in my life right now.

Zulu

jenniferdew75 wrote: »

he's coming back to me, at least not any time soon.
I believe one day in the future he may tho....in the distant future that is. I think we both need to grow ...

Just make sure by clinging to the idea that he might come back, you don't prevent yourself from moving on.

Good luck with it.

jenniferdew75

Zulu wrote: »

Just make sure by clinging to the idea that he might come back, you don't prevent yourself from moving on.

Good luck with it.

Just to let everyone know.
My ex text me today saying he didnt like the feeling of keeping me hanging on because that is not what he wanted to do, he said he didnt want to be with me anymore and that he thinks we should move on.

I text back saying goodbye and that i hope we can be friends one day and that i loved him

He replied saying he loved me too

The end.

Zulu

Sorry to hear that, but at least now you can move on.
Good luck with it.

You will be happier in the long run.

MagicMarker

Sorry to hear that Jennifer. The good news is now you know! You may not like it at the minute but at least you can start to move on and live your life.

Best of luck.