Relationship Troubles

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on the below situation which I now find myself in.
I’m with my boyfriend 7 years, living together 3. He is bisexual which I knew from the start (this is not a problem for me - I am fairly open minded). We have had a lot of fun times exploring this and have had a few threesomes with both men and women which was all good fun for us. Then about a year ago I decided I wanted to take a break from all that stuff for a while as I thought it was starting to take over. During this time I found out that he had texted somebody behind my back. Nothing more than a text though, I am sure of this. I obviously went mental and we broke up for a few weeks. He was devastated, he begged for me back. He said he was disgusted with himself and that he panicked when I said I didn’t want to do it any more and that he had been totally selfish etc. So I decided to forgive him and make another go of things. We really should have gone to counselling at this point but didn't.

All was going well until a few weeks ago. He was acting distant and I knew something was up. Eventually he broke down and said he was scared of settling down and that he wasn’t sure if he loved me enough to stay with me for the rest of his life. He said as well that he was afraid to love me and was holding back (he doesn’t know why he’s doing this). When we talked it through it seems that it’s not that he doesn’t love me but he’s afraid to surrender to the love he has (this prob doesn’t make much sense) I said ok if that’s what he wanted I wouldn’t stand in the way. I told him how much I love him as a person and said that I thought things could have worked with us if he had been able to talk rather than bottling up. He finds it really difficult to express his feelings and bottles everything up; he has been doing this since he was a child.

He has said that as we’re nearing the stage where marriage is coming into the equation he is panicking, mainly (from what I can gather) about never being able to sh*g other people. I have tried to explain to him that he shouldn’t give up love for empty meaningless s*x which he agrees. He says he doesn’t want to feel this way but it is always at the back of his mind when he thinks about settling down. He said he thinks he has a messed up way of thinking about s*x and that he may need help.

At the moment we are broken up but we met up to talk and he is a mess, he was physically sick over all of this, he was saying he does love me and his head is just messed up. He also thinks now that things can work with us and that he doesn’t want us to break up. I have told him I need space, maybe a few months to decide how I’m feeling about the whole thing and he agrees. I know he loves me but fear of failure has always been a major issue for him and he says he is afraid of hurting me down the road. I could feel the love from him when we spoke last week and I’m afraid he’s going to throw everything away over some ridiculous fear that he has.

I know there’s nothing I can do but give him space and hope he can see what he has and realises what he might lose. I know I also need to think about what I want and whether this is healthy for me.
Just wondering if anyone else has had any similar experiences as I can’t really talk to my friends about this?
I know he’s a good person but he’s very introverted and overthinks things and often ends up adding 2+2 and getting 5.
I don’t want to walk away without a fight but am wondering if I will end up being hurt down the road. Some of my friends have said that their other halves had similar incidents when reaching the stage of marriage, broke up for a few months and then ended up back together and were stronger for it because they had chosen to be together when they could have walked away.
What makes things worse is that we are living in a foreign country so neither of us have anyone except each other here for support.
Anyone? Wibbs, please help!

Aurora Borealis

I think you've given yourself the best advice.

I know there’s nothing I can do but give him space and hope he can see what he has and realises what he might lose. I know I also need to think about what I want and whether this is healthy for me.

I'm not saying it's not as I believe such relationships can work wonderfully if both parties are completely honest. Cold feet are understandable in any relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply, I guess I'm just wondering if any of this is normal bahaviour. Also, he wa saying that if he was having doubts about us then that must mean that we are wrong for each other on some level. Is this true, am I flogging a dead horse here??? Has anyone else heard the same things from their OH and worked through it?

Aurora Borealis

I do think you can work through it if you both want to. His sexuality is part of who you love so it's not a question of that as you say yourself, it's a question of commitment. Give yourselves some space and time to think it over and take your time doing so. Just make sure your don't put your own life on hold and use the time wisely to figure some things out for yourself too or even just have some you time. There's no rush to find a solution and the right one will present itself.

LegacyUser

If he's saying he doesn't love you enough then he doesn't, just walk away. If he thought you were his soul mate he wouldn't be having these doubts

LegacyUser

If he saying he doesn't know if he loves you then he doesn't, move on. I don't know of any relationships that got to this stage and have been saved. It's over, move on with your life.

LegacyUser

If he's saying he doesn't love you then you need to move on. I don't know of any relationship that has survived after those words were spoken....

Victor

I'm not certain that the last three posts are from different people.

Unregistered posts may take some time to approave, depending on the availaibility of moderators to approve them.

XJR

Seems like an awkward situation and I don't envy you. But I wonder is there a middle road? Can you strike a balance so that you both get a bit of what you want?

Obviously you're open minded and sensibly you don't want the playing around thing to get in the way of the two of you but is there an option perhaps where you could have the odd threesome without it being the focal point of your relationship?

I know this is a trickey road to take but it might be solution though only if you are both happy with it. Speaking from experience once the fv<king about takes over it's a real problem unless you are very forgiving and or resiliant.

Best of luck

TheZohanS

worriedandsad wrote: »

Eventually he broke down and said he was scared of settling down and that he wasn’t sure if he loved me enough to stay with me for the rest of his life.


He has said that as we’re nearing the stage where marriage is coming into the equation he is panicking, mainly (from what I can gather) about never being able to sh*g other people.

So he doesn't want to settle down with you because he wants to shag other people and he doesn't know if he loves you enough to stay with you for the rest of his life???


If he's willing to throw away your relationship because it would mean that he can't shag other people then its time to say goodbye. Plus if he doesn't know that he loves you "enough" to stay with you chances are he isn't in-love with you.

Time to spread you wings.