Can't be bothered

LegacyUser

Going unreg'd for this.. but I really need to say this somewhere

Basically I can't be bothered with anything anymore. I'm 19 and it's not just a case of lack of motivation, but just really don't want to be here, don't want to do what I'm doing, really fed up with life.

On the outside I'm pretty much just part of the gang but to be honest I've been contemplating the notion of either running away or ending everything for quite a while.

I just can't see anything to look forward to - short term or long term. At the minute I'm stuck in the middle of my exams and without doubt about to fail. Don't really care so much about that I'm gonna have people on my back until next May.

The job I'm working in looked to be going great but there's less and less work and I think they're phasing me out a bit and my course is geared towards that so if that goes, so does any future job in that.

I don't have a lack of friends but they're just grating on me for the longest time. There isn't one of them that isn't cynical and sniping at each other behind their backs. I hate it yet if I'm not like that it feels like I'm out of the loop. I have friends from college but I would class them as classmates rather than friends. Everybody gives out about each other and it really just annoys me.

I haven't had a girlfriend in over two years and the one before that cheated on me and no one had the balls to tell me, I had to find out myself. Since then there was almost a relationship with a girl I really do love but she had the decision of hooking up with me or her ex and she chose her ex. I really regret that, not being more forward. I stupidly told her that I'd be there as a friend for her even if she decided to get back with him. Deep down I really wanted her to be with me.

Not so long ago a mate of mine committed suicide and since then I've been pretty much down too. He was the soundest, nicest guy I know and to be honest I'm wondering if the world wasn't a place for him - how could it be a place for someone like me.

At the minute I'm just so down and out and the only thing that gets me out of that mood is when I try and say to myself 'stop self-pitying yourself'. But I can't help thinking that if I disappeared it'd suit everyone, even if it meant going off on my own somewhere and not coming back. I'd really like to just **** off one way or another because this world is really getting to me.

Am I being a selfish prat or mad or what..

Kirnsy

see a counselor who'll be able to advise you professionally on things.

dont give up, you never know whats around the corner..good luck

OP

Why don't you create something to look foward to?
Thats what most people do.
Everybody needs stuff to look foward to,it's what keeps us all going-you are no different.

What is it you want? Have you any goals?

Work on them! Create a love interest.Organise a holiday.

You can break monotony but you have to set that in train yourself

ve

Kirnsy wrote: »

dont give up, you never know whats around the corner..good luck

Absolutely!! - you have no idea how your life can turn around for the better. There were times for me in the past where I thought it couldn't get much worse and it did, and times when things went marginally up and down for a while. It felt like I was just existing as opposed to living, being blown wherever the wind took me. I had all sorts of problems and wondered was there any point on more occasions than I care to recall. Then one day I met my girlfriend and we became friends. She was completely out of my league (in my head) and althought I was extremely attracted to her I kept it inside as much as possible because she was with someone else at the time, and I had to respect that. As every day passed I looked at her and couldn't get over the fact that someone like her existed, and it became absolute torture that I couldn't really show her how I felt. We had really good chats, and I saw her most days. At the time I couldn't get her out of my head, my friends/family really noticed how much I spoke about her.

After a few months of torture she out of the blue gave me a call one evening to say she was no longer going out with her ex. Although I knew that her relationship with her ex was stale, I didn't see that coming. At the moment she rang me I was in the house on my own, thinking about her and just randomly pressing keys on a piano in a complete trance. We met up and in the days following, we finally got together.

Corny and all as it may sound but I think we all get used to putting ourselves in boxes and making assumptions about the way we believe our life is going to go, based on present and past experiences. We benchmark ourselves against our peers like personal success and self worth can be quantified. When myself and my girlfriend got together that was the greatest gift and greatest lift I ever received. I never believed it could happen. I never went out with anyone like her before, and never thought someone like her would even give me a second look. Someone was looking down on me that day and gave me a break.

In time my outlook on life changed. We help eachother and we're the best of friends/lovers/etc, we're many years together now and although she wasn't the direct solution to all my problems, she was certainly the catalyst for many.

I will never forget the day that I was shown that life isn't as predictable as I had thought it was.