Sex Issues

LegacyUser

I would really be thankful for some help with this! I'm going unreg for it.

I'm a female in my twenties and I've been seeing this guy for a month and a half. I told him I'd prefer if we took things slowly. He really considerate and while it's obvious he is interested, he hasn't been too forward. Things have been progressing though and I know at some point it's just going to become awkward if sex doesn't appear on the agenda. The difficulty in this situation is that I have some issues with sex. I have all the normal reactions when I know there is obstacles that make sex improbable; I mean I feel like I really want it. When it comes to the act itself though I just feel numb and very detached.

I think this developed when I was I was with my first "proper" boyfriend when I was eighteen. I had always been very shy and had no experience with the opposite sex so it was very flattering to that this gut (who was a few years older than me) seemed interested in me. Basically, he was verbally abusive and controlling. I managed to free myself from the situation just as it began to show signs of getting worse because of the support of my mother and some good friends. I was quite naive when I met him and I lost my virginity to him, I wasn't ready when it happened though. I was so inexperienced and things moved so quickly. He made me feel so guilty when he got aroused from kissing and I then refused sex with him because I wasn't ready yet. I know it seems stupid but he was very good at manipulating me and I was ready to believe I was in the wrong. He continued putting the pressure on and I gave in, we had been going out for about a month at this stage. So we had sex and I was so nervous and sore that I was glad when it was over. We continued having sex during the few months we were going out and the nervousness and soreness subsided and I was left just feeling a hollow during sex itself. Neither of us lived away from home so we ended up having sex in his car. It wasn't a situation I was comfortable with but that was a trend in the relationship. The relationship continued and he became more vindictive and controlling towards me. We were having sex when we met up about three times a week after I was done in college. I can only explain it all by saying I began to feel more and more like a prostitute. I just wanted it to be over and for him to give me a hug and show me affection. In the last month things rapidly deteriorated and one night he was very close to hitting me. I knew it wasn't right but I was living in a paradoxical universe and it's impossible to explain that feeling of helplessness to someone who hasn't felt it. I did however manage to tell my mother and a good friend a very edited version of events and their horror and support helped me break it off. It took all of my strength and courage to do it though and that was over the phone.

Fast-forward a year and I've met a wonderful man I was in a relationship with for about a year. I really messed up at this point, I guess my self-esteem was still low and I was too quick to renew an old habit, sex for affection. We had sex too soon. Things got a bit rocky after that and we sorted them out. I told him about my ex and we decided we should give it a while before having sex again. We waited nearly six months with lots of fore-play. I was gagging for it at that stage, to put it bluntly, and I haven't a clue how he managed! We were completely in love and when the time came the excitement built up and everything was going right and then...nothing. I began to feel the familiar feelings of numbness just as we were about to have sex. I just didn't have the heart to tell him though, he had waited so long. So we kept going and I just felt like crying. I know I should have been honest but it was easier not to be. I just pretended for a while because he seemed so happy and I loved him so much. I never lied I never but I didn't confess either, I just pretended it was all ok. I did try bring it up once after but without trying to admit everything and he didn't understand. Tbh, I'm not sure I wanted him too. It would have been like inviting a big elephant into the room, I had an issue that there was no quick or obvious solution to. We had such an easy and lovely relationship in all other ways I just didn't want to complicate it. Eventually we broke up for different reason and went our separate ways.

During this time I went to a college counsellor to talk about that and some other stuff. I stopped going after a few months because I didn't feel it was benifital to me. I 'm now finish university and couldn't afford to talk to a professional.

So a lot of time has passed in which I was single. I've met this guy I think is fantastic. We get on so well and we enjoy each others company immensely. I just don't know what to do though. I'm sure many people would advise me to be honest but I'm just not so eager to bring the old familiar elephant back into the new room. Should I tell him? Should I wait until we know each other better? If I do should I try put a positive spin on it? I just don't know.


I'm really sorry about the length of this, I had intended to make it much more concise. I just find it so therapeutic to tell the story. It's a bit ironic that counselling was a bit of a bust I know...

Any advice you could offer would be really helpful!

gerTheGreat

The most important piece of advice that putting a spin on it if you decide to tell him is probably a mistake. If you're going to talk about it, you need to be completely honest.

I think the most important thing is that you communicate this with your current BF. I imagine that this may be difficult, especially since you haven't going out a huge length of time and I'm sure he's ok with waiting, but it's important that he understands why. If he cares about you then he'll appreciate the issue and be willing to help you to get to a point where you can enjoy sex.

As for the feeling itself, is the "numbness" more of a fear or a indifference? Can you remember what went through your head when you had sex with the last BF? If it was a fear or insecurity, then can you work out where it's comming from? Is there a voice in your head telling you something? If it was indifference, then maybe you weren't hitting the right notes?? Diffent possitions etc, could solve this.

From reading your post it appears like (and you believe that) this numbness stems from the relationship with your first propper boyfriend. You have to remember that your new bf is not the same guy.


I hope that something in there is of some help.
Ger

McGinty

Hi Op

I am not sure if I am going to give any decent advise, but reading your post, well it touched with stuff I have. Like you I have had a troubled past, and I am not sure if it is wise to talk about it with a current boyfriend, the reason I say this is because no two experiences are the same. They may mean the same. For some reason, maybe it was because of your ex, or whatever, you had difficulty with intimacy, but you are transferring that to all your relationships now. I say this because I have transferred so much past stuff that it has killed relationships in the past, and it is affecting my current relationship. I personally wish my current partner did not know my past, I really do, I wish I could have started with a clean slate, so I am wondering if you should start with a clean slate, I am wondering if you should ask yourself what you would like sexually, for a start, would you like comfortbale surroundings? What way would you like to be touched? Try to get out of your head and into your body, enjoy each moment as it comes. I am trying to do that in my current relationship right now, the thing is I don;t know if it is a good idea to talk of your past too much, for me and in my experinece it got in the way.

wasper

unreg_stuck wrote: »

I would really be thankful for some help with this! I'm going unreg for it.

I'm a female in my twenties and I've been seeing this guy for a month and a half. I told him I'd prefer if we took things slowly. He really considerate and while it's obvious he is interested, he hasn't been too forward. Things have been progressing though and I know at some point it's just going to become awkward if sex doesn't appear on the agenda. The difficulty in this situation is that I have some issues with sex. I have all the normal reactions when I know there is obstacles that make sex improbable; I mean I feel like I really want it. When it comes to the act itself though I just feel numb and very detached.

I think this developed when I was I was with my first "proper" boyfriend when I was eighteen. I had always been very shy and had no experience with the opposite sex so it was very flattering to that this gut (who was a few years older than me) seemed interested in me. Basically, he was verbally abusive and controlling. I managed to free myself from the situation just as it began to show signs of getting worse because of the support of my mother and some good friends. I was quite naive when I met him and I lost my virginity to him, I wasn't ready when it happened though. I was so inexperienced and things moved so quickly. He made me feel so guilty when he got aroused from kissing and I then refused sex with him because I wasn't ready yet. I know it seems stupid but he was very good at manipulating me and I was ready to believe I was in the wrong. He continued putting the pressure on and I gave in, we had been going out for about a month at this stage. So we had sex and I was so nervous and sore that I was glad when it was over. We continued having sex during the few months we were going out and the nervousness and soreness subsided and I was left just feeling a hollow during sex itself. Neither of us lived away from home so we ended up having sex in his car. It wasn't a situation I was comfortable with but that was a trend in the relationship. The relationship continued and he became more vindictive and controlling towards me. We were having sex when we met up about three times a week after I was done in college. I can only explain it all by saying I began to feel more and more like a prostitute. I just wanted it to be over and for him to give me a hug and show me affection. In the last month things rapidly deteriorated and one night he was very close to hitting me. I knew it wasn't right but I was living in a paradoxical universe and it's impossible to explain that feeling of helplessness to someone who hasn't felt it. I did however manage to tell my mother and a good friend a very edited version of events and their horror and support helped me break it off. It took all of my strength and courage to do it though and that was over the phone.

Fast-forward a year and I've met a wonderful man I was in a relationship with for about a year. I really messed up at this point, I guess my self-esteem was still low and I was too quick to renew an old habit, sex for affection. We had sex too soon. Things got a bit rocky after that and we sorted them out. I told him about my ex and we decided we should give it a while before having sex again. We waited nearly six months with lots of fore-play. I was gagging for it at that stage, to put it bluntly, and I haven't a clue how he managed! We were completely in love and when the time came the excitement built up and everything was going right and then...nothing. I began to feel the familiar feelings of numbness just as we were about to have sex. I just didn't have the heart to tell him though, he had waited so long. So we kept going and I just felt like crying. I know I should have been honest but it was easier not to be. I just pretended for a while because he seemed so happy and I loved him so much. I never lied I never but I didn't confess either, I just pretended it was all ok. I did try bring it up once after but without trying to admit everything and he didn't understand. Tbh, I'm not sure I wanted him too. It would have been like inviting a big elephant into the room, I had an issue that there was no quick or obvious solution to. We had such an easy and lovely relationship in all other ways I just didn't want to complicate it. Eventually we broke up for different reason and went our separate ways.

During this time I went to a college counsellor to talk about that and some other stuff. I stopped going after a few months because I didn't feel it was benifital to me. I 'm now finish university and couldn't afford to talk to a professional.

So a lot of time has passed in which I was single. I've met this guy I think is fantastic. We get on so well and we enjoy each others company immensely. I just don't know what to do though. I'm sure many people would advise me to be honest but I'm just not so eager to bring the old familiar elephant back into the new room. Should I tell him? Should I wait until we know each other better? If I do should I try put a positive spin on it? I just don't know.


I'm really sorry about the length of this, I had intended to make it much more concise. I just find it so therapeutic to tell the story. It's a bit ironic that counselling was a bit of a bust I know...

Any advice you could offer would be really helpful!

You have put your feelings, anxieties & case in a very lucid way. Why not invite your partner to read it. He sounds to me a reasonable person & will understand what you are going through. I think you too will work something up.
But you do need a professional help to sort out your head. Good luck.

LegacyUser

gerTheGreat wrote: »

The most important piece of advice that putting a spin on it if you decide to tell him is probably a mistake. If you're going to talk about it, you need to be completely honest.

I think the most important thing is that you communicate this with your current BF. I imagine that this may be difficult, especially since you haven't going out a huge length of time and I'm sure he's ok with waiting, but it's important that he understands why. If he cares about you then he'll appreciate the issue and be willing to help you to get to a point where you can enjoy sex.Ger

It's not that I don't think he wouldn't be understanding but it's just a lot of strain to put on the relationship that's so new. I don't want to make it a big "thing" and for the relationship to become work, if that makes sense.

gerTheGreat wrote: »

As for the feeling itself, is the "numbness" more of a fear or a indifference? Can you remember what went through your head when you had sex with the last BF? If it was a fear or insecurity, then can you work out where it's comming from? Is there a voice in your head telling you something? If it was indifference, then maybe you weren't hitting the right notes?? Diffent possitions etc, could solve this.
Ger

It was just a feeling emptiness, possibley related to fear and insecurity. It was like I was blocking out emotions because the situation robbed me of my dignity as I just continued to go along with it despite logically knowing I didn't want to do it.

I may have over-analysed this I know...

McGinty wrote: »

Hi Op

I am not sure if I am going to give any decent advise, but reading your post, well it touched with stuff I have. Like you I have had a troubled past, and I am not sure if it is wise to talk about it with a current boyfriend, the reason I say this is because no two experiences are the same. They may mean the same. For some reason, maybe it was because of your ex, or whatever, you had difficulty with intimacy, but you are transferring that to all your relationships now. I say this because I have transferred so much past stuff that it has killed relationships in the past, and it is affecting my current relationship. I personally wish my current partner did not know my past, I really do, I wish I could have started with a clean slate, so I am wondering if you should start with a clean slate, I am wondering if you should ask yourself what you would like sexually, for a start, would you like comfortbale surroundings? What way would you like to be touched? Try to get out of your head and into your body, enjoy each moment as it comes. I am trying to do that in my current relationship right now, the thing is I don;t know if it is a good idea to talk of your past too much, for me and in my experinece it got in the way.

I think I am transferring but I just don't know how to stop, it's more of a subconscious thing. This is a different person yet a can't seem to shake the old mentality.

Thanks for the advice! I'm going to try and put it into action. Tbh, I think part of it is that I'm putting so much pressure on myself to enjoy it and I'm thinking about it all too much. I find it difficult to let go. I'm so worried about what I'll say if I can't enjoy it that I'm not in the moment.

Anyone any tips about getting over that?