Considering anything sexual to be 'dirty' and wrong

LegacyUser

Hiya,

I'm hoping someone will be able to help me out here as god knows I've spent enough time trying to figure out what is wrong with me! In a nutshell, I am 23 and have never had sex with anyone, but what bothers me is that I actually don't mind that I haven't. I just don't seem to have the same normal desires as my friends and feel absolutely disgusting any time I do anything other than kissing a man. I have a lot of crap going on in my life; I've been bulimic for 7 years, have a history of depression and really little self confidence and as a result have a LOT of issues about my body, so this probably plays a massive role. The only time I ever go further than kissing is when I get really drunk and can let myself go, but afterwards the shame and guilt I feel is just horrible, and then there's the worry about the dangerous situations I put myself in.

Last Friday, for example, I was at my work Christmas party. I ended up knocking back waaaay too much vodka and getting together with a guy I've had a thing for for ages. We stayed back when everyone else went home and things got very heated; it was going towards sex and I knew he wanted it, but even though I was absolutely hammered, I knew I wouldn't do it. He got a bit peed off which in fairness is understandable, the way things were going he would have assumed we were. It was fun at the time and all but the next day I felt physically sick at the thought of his hands on me, me on top of him etc etc. The flashbacks kept coming (and will for another few days, I know from experience!) A lot of 23 year old girls in that situation wouldn't really feel that guilty; I know the friends I've talked to about it couldn't see why I felt so bad; their attitude was, 'you're young, you're single, you had fun, it's not like he's some stranger you picked up in a club, so what's the problem?' It's not like I've ever been assaulted or abused, and I'm not even Catholic so that doesn't account for the sense of guilt!!!

So why does anything sexual creep me out so much and make me feel like I did something wrong? I actually feel repulsed by the thought of it, yet the fact that I CAN let go when I'm drunk shows that I do have sexual impulses in there somewhere!!

I don't know if this even makes sense; I guess I'm just hoping someone can offer some advice or even empathise with what I'm going through-sometimes I feel I'm the only one like this!

pwd

You're just not a slapper. It's fashionable for women to be slappers these days.
Having sex outside relationships is a bit disgusting. Especially for women who get something put inside of them. There are plenty of people who need a close relationship to enjoy sex. I'd imagine the flashbacks thing was because you went further than you were really comfortable with because you were drunk and it bothered you later.
Don't feel pressured into having sex for the sake of it, or feel bad about yourself for being a respectable kinda person

randylonghorn

OP, it's entirely your own choice when, in what context and with whom you decide to have sex. No-one has the right to answer that question for you or put pressure on you, not a guy, not your mates.

I would be a little more concerned though by the fact that you seem to be experiencing strong guilt, revulsion, flashbacks, physical nausea, etc. as a result (if I'm reading between the lines correctly) of what used to be called "heavy petting" by our parents.

To be honest, I suspect you are answering your own question, or a big part of it anyway ... "I have a lot of crap going on in my life; I've been bulimic for 7 years, have a history of depression and really little self confidence and as a result have a LOT of issues about my body, so this probably plays a massive role."

Are you seeing a good counsellor on a regular basis? If not, I think I would suggest it ... you need a neutral ear and some support to help you work through these issues.

Life is for living and enjoying, carida ... don't waste it feeling bad!

meglome

pwd wrote: »

You're just not a slapper. It's fashionable for women to be slappers these days.
Having sex outside relationships is a bit disgusting. Especially for women who get something put inside of them. There are plenty of people who need a close relationship to enjoy sex. I'd imagine the flashbacks thing was because you went further than you were really comfortable with because you were drunk and it bothered you later.
Don't feel pressured into having sex for the sake of it, or feel bad about yourself for being a respectable kinda person

I'd ignore all of that pretty much.

Considering how free and easy sex is these days there really is nothing for you to feel bad about. You've done nothing wrong or 'dirty' and he shouldn't have got pee'd off with you for not wanting sex, that's your right. It seems to me that since you have issues with your body you find it very difficult to go further and it makes you feel bad. Sex is fun and all the better if it's with someone you know well. All I can suggest is that you try and talk to others who may have been in similar situations, just like you're doing now.

mookishboy

pwd wrote: »

Having sex outside relationships is a bit disgusting. Especially for women who get something put inside of them

:eek:wtf

Wibbs

OK folks stay on topic. This can be a divisive topic so people will differ.

LegacyUser

randylonghorn wrote: »

I would be a little more concerned though by the fact that you seem to be experiencing strong guilt, revulsion, flashbacks, physical nausea, etc. as a result (if I'm reading between the lines correctly) of what used to be called "heavy petting" by our parents

Yeah that's what my major worry is as well. I mean, we're both only human, we'd been drinking, and had ended up on our own with the whole place to ourselves. It was a situation in which an awful lot of people (I'm not saying everyone but a lot of people) would have done the same thing. I would never have done it sober though because the fear of intimacy etc is just too strong.

I think it's taught me that a) I need to cut down on my drinking because I'm never going to have a healthy attitude to sex etc if I only ever do anything when I'm wasted, and b) I should probably consider going back to a counsellor (I stopped a few months back as I couldn't afford it, being in final year of college and living on my own). I can't deal with it all myself and I need someone to help me see that it's ok to let myself go and be normal sometimes....

Queencake

Fairplay. You sound like you've your head well screwed on hun. If the first counsellor you meet doesn't click with you after a few sessions then don't be afraid to change around.

Before I had a bf I felt like you uncomfortably with anything beyond kissing. I'd been touched inappropriately against my will at a teenage disco and found it hard to trust guy. I was a late started too. My first bf was when I was 19.

Best of luck.

claireeney

it just sounds like you need to find the right guy. someone you trust and can build a relationship with. and make sure there is no alcohol involved because you will probably associate being drunk with being uncomfortable. i really hope you find a solution to all your problems. you are very brave to ask for help on such a delicate subject.

Wagon

You don't have to have sex if you don't want to, everyone has their own limitations and it's better when your with someone you love anyway. But there's no reason to be disgusted by it, it's perfectly natural and healthy. Have you considered going to a therapist about it?

SpookyDoll

OP, Deffo cut out the drinking -it wont help the other problems which quite rightly as you and others said are at the root of all this.

If you can get over these body image issues, it will be so worth it. You will see these beliefs about your body are not serving you well at all.

Sex in the right context is the best thing on the planet bar none, so I would say to you it is worth any amount of work with counsellors etc.

Also re the bulimia, I know you know but you will really be damaging your body, specially the teeth which is permanent so please please address that as soon as you can.

The money you save on alcohol you can put twords the counselling!

Best of luck!

randylonghorn

Unregistered01 wrote: »

I should probably consider going back to a counsellor (I stopped a few months back as I couldn't afford it, being in final year of college and living on my own).

Depending on what college you're in, there may be counselling services available on-campus or at least through the college, free or at a very reduced rate.

Dudess

OP, it's perfectly reasonable to be a "late starter" and to not be a hornball in your teens or even early 20s - it's considered unusual but I wouldn't be surprised if that was more perception than reality. However yes, the guilt and fear of intimacy, well these aren't so good, and counselling seems like an excellent plan.
A poster told you you only feel this way because you're not a slapper - as if the only way a woman can be a non-slapper is by feeling disgust and shame at the thought of casual sex. That's an outrageous position and can only help to fuel these guilty feelings you're experiencing. Plus, you have a fear of intimacy so I'd imagine there's a chance relationship sex could be even scarier for you. That poster implied it's ok for you to have all these fears and issues surrounding sex - please don't pay heed to that, it's not ok.
As for it being even worse for women to have casual sex because something is being put inside them... that's like something from The Handmaid's Tale or a Taliban rulebook.

There is nothing wrong with sex being purely recreational once both parties are happy with it - physical desire is all it takes for very enjoyable sex. However, yes, sex is certainly infinitely better with someone you're in love with. But sex in any context is difficult for you right now, so do investigate counselling. Best of luck and don't worry - anxiety will only make things worse for you. People can have difficulties with anything, including things that are natural - sex, food (as you have experienced yourself - I doubt the two aren't linked), no doubt there's someone out there with a fear of sleeping... Hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

People can have difficulties with anything, including things that are natural - sex, food (as you have experienced yourself)

That's very true and do you know, i've never actually made that connection. Both are considered to be pleasurable and something fun, and I think I deny myself them because of my eating disorder; I don't want to allow myself have fun! In the same way I feel horrible and guilty after I give in to the bulimic urges, I think I also feel like the same way about getting together with guys; I feel dirty and ashamed, like I've done something wrong (or maybe that's too psychoanalytical and I've gone too deep!) Denying myself makes me feel good in a twisted sort of way!

Hm...food for thought (pardon the pun), Thanks Dudess

Bob the Builder

Unregistered01 wrote: »

Last Friday, for example, I was at my work Christmas party. I ended up knocking back waaaay too much vodka and getting together with a guy I've had a thing for for ages. We stayed back when everyone else went home and things got very heated; it was going towards sex and I knew he wanted it, but even though I was absolutely hammered, I knew I wouldn't do it. He got a bit peed off which in fairness is understandable, the way things were going he would have assumed we were. It was fun at the time and all but the next day I felt physically sick at the thought of his hands on me, me on top of him etc etc. The flashbacks kept coming (and will for another few days, I know from experience!) A lot of 23 year old girls in that situation wouldn't really feel that guilty; I know the friends I've talked to about it couldn't see why I felt so bad; their attitude was, 'you're young, you're single, you had fun, it's not like he's some stranger you picked up in a club, so what's the problem?' It's not like I've ever been assaulted or abused, and I'm not even Catholic so that doesn't account for the sense of guilt!!!

No. No it's not understandable. It's your choice if you want to stop and don't want to have sex. Don't be forced into anything.
If he wants sex, let him wait for it until your ready or else be upfront with him and tell him you don't want it.

Dudess

Unregistered01 wrote: »

That's very true and do you know, i've never actually made that connection. Both are considered to be pleasurable and something fun, and I think I deny myself them because of my eating disorder; I don't want to allow myself have fun! In the same way I feel horrible and guilty after I give in to the bulimic urges, I think I also feel like the same way about getting together with guys; I feel dirty and ashamed, like I've done something wrong (or maybe that's too psychoanalytical and I've gone too deep!) Denying myself makes me feel good in a twisted sort of way!

Hm...food for thought (pardon the pun), Thanks Dudess

Don't mention it. Yep, that makes perfect sense. I think you could be on to something there...