Christmas Joke Thread

Hagar

Feel free to add your own.


Q: Why is Santa Claus always so happy??
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q: What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a wife??
A: A Christmas tree looks good with the lights on.

Q: Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
A: Because snow man is an island.


Santa pet peeves:

- Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin
- When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
- Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
- Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
- Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
- Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
- Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
- Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"
- Two words: lap rash


A note from Santa

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my Elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 Days of Christmas, but we had a little problem...

The 12 Fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 Ladies a-dancing.
The 11 Lords a-leaping have knocked up the 8 Maids a-milking.
The 9 Pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 Swans a-swimming.
The 6 Geese a-laying, 4 Calling Birds, 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my Sled Runners in bird sh*t.
On top of all that Mrs. Claus is going through menopause. 8 of my Reindeer are in heat, the Elves have joined The Gay Liberation, and some people who can't read a Calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my act together and bring you the things you want, This year I suggest you get your ass down to Walmart before eveything is gone.

Love
Santa


A man went to his psychiatrist and said,
"What's wrong with me? I'm afraid of Santa."
The psychiatrist said, "You must be Claustrophobic."


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

deadwood

Gaz is looking to make a few extra quid for Christmas sees an ad in the paper: “Turkey Wanker Wanted, no experience required. €500 per week+€1 per turkey”
He calls the number and the farmer tells him to come for a try-out.
The following day he arrives at the farm. “Fair play to ya”, the farmer says, “i'm flat out for the Christmas rush and I need to get these turkeys wanked for Tescos”
“Sorry, bud” says the potential apprentice, “I know nuttin abouh toorkeys. What the fook is a toorkey wanker?”
“I'll show ya, follow me”
They go into a huge shed with thousands of turkeys inside. The farmer wades through them and grabs one of the turkeys by the neck, wrestling with it for a few minutes before whipping out a knife from his pocket and slitting the birds throat. Blood gushes everywhere, there's a blizzard of loose feathers and the commotion was sending all the other condemned turkeys into a panicked frenzy.
After things calm down the farmer explains “that's an awful messy way to kill them and it really upsets the other birds. I like to give them a wee **** before they meet their maker. Here, look, i'll show ya.”
He sits on a little stool and gently picks up a turkey. He gives it a little cuddle, carresses it and drops the hand. With his thumb and index finger, he gives the turkey a few gentle tugs until it gets an erection. The farmer gives the new guy a knowing wink, takes out his knife and cuts the turkeys throat. Without any drama, the bird dies and a tiny bead of blood appears.
“Ya see? All the blood drains from his neck to his flute. He dies happy, the other birds don't notice and Tescoes get a clean product. Now you have a go.”
A little disturbed, the new guy is willing to give it a go for €500. He sits down and picks up a turkey. After a few minutes, he feels the turkeys little willy harden. The farmer hands him the knife, and he slices the birds throat effortlessly.
“You're a natural, son” says the farmer. “the job's yours.”
Delighted, Gaz starts work straight away.
The new turkey wanker sets about busily jerking off turkeys for the rest of the morning. He chats them up a bit, gently caresses their feathers and keeps at it even though his wrist is killing him. For €500 and a euro for each hand job, he's willing to leave his pride outside. After a couple of dozen kills, one of the turkeys comes up to him and says “gobble, gobble”.


“You can [EMAIL="f$@k"]f$@k[/EMAIL] right off” he snaps, “you're getting the same as the rest of them!”

Hagar

skinner2x

great stuff Hagar, have some stars...:D

rferguson

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had
hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang,
and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

patmac

What's the difference between your penis and your bonus?
Your wife will blow your bonus!

chaotic_vr

Few more pics:)

Plug

Hagar wrote: »

Thats a Ryan air plane:D

Homer

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the christmas tree.

Homer

Why is christmas like a day at work?

Because you do all the work and some fat bastard in a suit gets all the credit!

---

Mums, out of christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday.

---

Things you can only say at christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

---

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered...

Hoagy

True story, happened at this time of year…

Breakup day many years ago, in the Limelight (just around the corner from the brewery)
Place was heaving from lunchtime on.

In comes this woman, goes over to a bloke stood at the bar and says “ Ah Mick what are you doing here, you promised you’d take me shopping”

Mick growls “ I’m just having a few jars with the lads will you leave me alone”

“But you promised, Mick. I’ve been waiting for the last two hours for you”

“ Lookit if you don’t shut up I’ll kick the G*E off you!”

Voice from the back of the bar: “ Kick it over here”

Hagar

A Scottish Santa, on duty at the local department store, was dressed in the kilt. He was, of course dressed in 'Regimental Fashion' (nothing under it).
A young boy, on approaching the venerable old gent, noticed this and, when asked what he wanted for Christmas, was hesitant to say.
His mother prompted him not to be shy. "Tell Santa what you want for Christmas dear."
The lad squirmed and finally blurted out "Well, Santa, if you can grant my wish I'd be so happy."
"What is it you'd like?" asked Santa.
"I'd like a wee set of bagpipes just like the one I saw under your kilt"!


Did you hear about the Jewish Santa who, when he came down the chimney, asked "Anyone want to buy some toys?"


One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

Podge2k7

Have some stars Hagar!

gerTheGreat

And finally, the greatest film EVER:

Takestockholden

Tampax are releasing a tampon with tinsel attatched.
It's for the Christmas period.

I bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar the other day just to get rid of them, but found that there were 2 of the ****ers behind every door!

Hagar

It BeeMee

.