Please advise, exams and stuff :(

Queencake

Hi,

Okay I'll try to be as brief as possible guys.

Basically I f***ed up this semester in college. AGAIN. I'm in repeat 3rd year (final year). I suffered from severe depression last but got over it. Or maybe I didn't really. I suppose I couldn't have. But I was doing great there for months. I was really happy and motivated. The problem is I relapsed with a vengence in August.

When this happened last year I had to drop outta college. I was completely overwhelmed and I was feeling suicidal. It's funny how your entire way of thinking can turn unbearable and painful yet it seems completely logical to you.

I tried to fight it by myself when I relapsed. I didn't want history to repeat itself. I was so angry with myself and I felt defective. But it became obvious that despite my best efforts I was failing. Again. My concentration was shot, my motivation was non existant and I enjoyed nothing.

I went to counselling and regularly visited the GP. He put me on an increased dose of my anti-ds. But it became clear to myself and everyone that I couldn't manage as things were. The GP sent me to casualty eventually. I was seen by the pysch ward but they advised me to take time out. I couldn't face leaving college again.

I always loved college. I felt at home there. I loved my course and I was heavily involved in societies. My results were always much better than I'd even hope for.

But that's all gone. I feel like I don't deserve to be there. I'm like a shadow of who I was. I'm good at putting on a happy face if needs be but I'm tired. I deferred half of my exams for Christmas because I'm so unprepared.

The college have been understanding. I've my first exam on Tuesday and I feel numb. I know no matter how hard I work the next semester my degree is going to be seriously impacted by these terrible Christmas results.

I feel like I'm getting better. The new meds I'm on since the hospital visit seem to be working well. I just want a fresh start. I KNOW next semester will be different. I'm actually feeling hopeful for the first time in ages. I really don't want to do these exams right now. I know it's my fault and your degree is what you make of it but I just feel like I'm gonna look back and regret this. I need a good degree to get into some post grads I'm interested in.

I'm so angry at myself. I've spent all day reading or maybe I should say trying to read. I feel so incapable. Please give me advice. Please don't be harsh - trust me I know I f**ked up and I'm very sorry for it.

snappieT

It sounds to me like you're on the mend.
I say you should try your very best in these Christmas exams, and then forget about them. Work hard and enjoy your second semester, get a passing grade, enjoy your summer and come back to tackle 4th year in this new mindset you've adopted.
You'll do great in 4th year and get all of the postgrad opportunities you deserve.

Queencake

This is my final year. Sorry I missed that bit out.

Queencake

Anyone?

LegacyUser

Do you have any idea what you eventually want out of life? If you want a successful career, your college results won't stop you, you'll just have to work your way up. If you want to be an academic, you can do that too, it will just take you a little longer. A friend of mine didn't go to college at all until he was 25 and is now tenured. So don't worry so much about these exams, there is no shame in your performance, however it turns out. And there is no rush. You can get wherever you want to go in a short few years, once your head is in the right place.

Overheal

You're worrying far too much. I worried in a similar way and thats how I failed out of college myself. You have to find the line somewhere though where you're just going to quit worrying about whether or not you're going to fail; everything that you will have to do later; all the doom scenarios - and just do whats in front of you. Things are only as dramatic as you make them out to be.

spinandscribble

defer all exams until repeats in august. thats what a mate of mine did. try to get them all defered

Queencake

I'm not being just dramatic over it. If you got that impression from my post then I'm sorry but I'm not. The fact is I dunno what to do. I spend hrs with books and I'm not able to absorb anything. What's the point in just muddling along life?

Overheal

If youre not absorbing anything youre not thinking about it, and if youre not thinking about it youre stressed out, and - well you get me.

Scribble makes a good suggestion.

Queencake

Ok thanx. Locky?

spinandscribble

that wasn't so hard now was it? quickest PI thread ever? i think so *bow* lol

estar

1. write all worries down before you start studying. then defer all worrying and self examination until after you study
2. make a study plan detailing what you are going to cover for 4-5 hours every day. take time with the plan. the nearer it gets to the exam, the more important the plan is as the less time you have to faff around getting angsty.
3. stop all self beating up. you arent a murderer. you arent a drug dealer. you are just someone finding it hard to find their way for a little bit. give yourself a break. getting angry with yoursel is part of the cycle. fail at something small, beat self up, get de motivated, feel worthless, fail at something big and the cycle goes on. its time to enter the real world, where exams are failed, years are repeated, and no one dies or is a bad person.
4. make this the last time. you might not feel like it, but you are in control. try saying that to yourself.
5. eat well, rise at the same time every day, bed at same time every night. 3 meals a day, and an hours walk. even the night before the exam. no staying up cramming, it defeats the purpose and makes you tired.

now get off boards and get planning. exams are like a military exercise. well thats how i saw them anyway. i used them as an opportunity to get fit, eat well and go in punching.

and i was you once, repeated a year, stayed hours staring at a book, so i know what its like. use that anger to get motivated.

say to yourself - depression wont f up my life gadammit!! i will fight back.

go get those exams!!!! there are 16 hours sleeping time, and up to 20 hours studying between now and tuesday. thats a lot of studying with a good plan.

get off boards and report back tomorrow evening, and i hope to hear good news.

estar

ok my maths was off there on the hours, but you get the picture.

Overheal

Estar hit a very golden piece of advice in her #1. I find that often when I can't sleep for example, that writing/typing a private entry about whats bothering me, I can sleep like a baby right afterward. Try and see if keeping a journal helps you organise your thoughts, and helping you focus some.

jen_23

First off you didn't f**k up!! Youv'e been through alot by the sounds of it. you can't control that. Youv'e sought help which has been the first step.
People relapse but your back fighting through it and I must say you are a very strong person for doing that.

When I was in college I found when I was losing concentration and only wanted to watch TV or distract myself in any way possible!!!! Was to fastforward and think of after the exams all the time I would have then. The goals I needed to accomplish.
It helped. The first thing you need to do is get up and move to a study space with as little distractions.
I always found the kitchen quite good esp as it had an endless supply of coffee:)

When you find yourself unable to concentrate take a ten min break to make a coffee or go for a quick walk. Come back and start a different topic. Go back to the old one later.

Writing things out also helps. you may think youre absorbing nothing but you do. Esp when you try to write it in your own words

Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi,
You mention that you're having problems concentrating. That could be either the depression or indeed the meds. It might be an idea to talk to the disability office in your college. They can help you discuss your options as regards deferring or whether there are any supports available given your health situation.
I was in pretty much the same situation a few years ago - very depressed, lots of meds, hospital etc. I decided to keep going with college despite missing months and in the end I did pass but it was hard going and I didn't do nearly as well as I would've if I'd maybe taken a year out or deferred. At the time I wasn't aware of what supports are available to students with mental health difficulties.
I'm now back in college as a postgrad (thankfully the depression isn't a problem anymore) and although I find I don't need any extra concessions I do some work for the disability office and I know that they can be very helpful, even just in terms of offering advice. I'd say it's worth talking to them even if your exams are soon.
Please don't think of yourself as having f*cked up though. It's really not your fault and you've been proactive in getting yourself the help you need and are doing your best to get things back to normal. However that does take time and it can be a struggle so take any help that's available and don't beat yourself up about it!

BumblebeeGirl

OP please dont worry-some great advice has been given and if you make a study plan you can get through these exams. My finals start on Thursday and i wouldnt be as prepared as most of my classmates are at this stage. I went through afew issues last year similar to yours and find it difficult to study, even as recent as yesterday was a battle to get the work done, i have good days and bad days but i always say to myself every little bit helps, the more you do the more managable the study becomes and the more confident you feel about the exams. The most important thing to know is that you can still have a successful career even if you just get a pass degree. Maybe deferring your exams is a good idea if itll take some of the stress off your shoulders, Best of luck in whatever you decide to do

Queencake

I'm deferring. Well hopefully. I've been to my departments and I'm just waiting to hear if it the deferral will be granted. I'm pretty hopeful as I've docs and counsellor certs in order and I'm a genuine case.

Thank you for all your advice. I really appreciate it. I can't wait to have a fresh start and really make a go of it and make myself and my parents proud. I'm actually looking forward to next semester now!