terrible relationship with mother

LegacyUser

Hey im not so much looking for advice but just to see is there anybody out there the same as me. Im 21 finished college, with a good job, living at home but paying my way.
My relationship with my mother is going down hill over the last few years. Don't know where to start but basically she calls me fat when im size 10, says im disgusting(don't know why), and the one thats hurts the most is all my friends laugh at me and nobody cares.
Now after three/four years of this i am dealing with it. Usually i just stay calm and when she fires abuse at me i just don't fight back. She has made me cry so many times over things she has said to me. She found out i was on the pill and i was with my boyfriend for six monoths but she actually went rooting in my wardrobe to find it. The littlest things make her fly off the handle and she has come pretty close to hitting me. She refuses to let me out the door if i wear a dress about an inch above my kneee and calls me a slut if i chose to do this. I am by no means a slut i just like wearing dresses on a night out as i feel they suit me and the amount of times i have to change a dress because it might be two inches above my knee is disgraceful. I don't dare tell her i have a boyfriend or seeing someone as she would go balistic, so i lied when i was with my last boyfriend and worst thing was my friend had to lie to her about where i was. I do get upset at times, i cry and hate my life but as i said i try my best to deal with it.
Just wondering is there anymore 21 yr old girls out there that have terrible relationships with their mother?
WQhat do you do about it? Do you just ignore her and do what you want or do you relent to the pressure and do what she wants? I guess im just trying to find out does a mother have the right to be so mean/have so much control over a 21 year old girl? Coz sometimes i think i should just give in and do everything she wants me to. Sorry for the rant and if i've bored ye all. Id just like to see are there other people in the same boat as sometimes i think im the only one.

LegacyUser

I have had a consistently terrible relationship with my mother. She has said vicious things, thinks you couldnt imagine a mother saying to a child, the insults are endless. To be honest I dont know what anyone can do about it. I think there is a deep rooted competitiveness some mothers have with their daughters. I saw a therapist about this and she said it is far worse if the mother was very beautiful in her youth because she feels threatened by the daughters emerging sexuality. Makes sense in my mothers case but maybe not for yours. I can recommend a book: "When you and your mother cant be friends".

My mother turned me into a compulsive liar. Why? Because her constant tirades and criticism made me so afraid of telling the truth that I just lie for no reason and I bring these habits into exchanges with sane normal people. So I can see why youd lie about your boyfriend.

Its an awful awful thing, and I dont know if they realise how much they are hurting you.

My mother has hit me, she has thrown things at me, she has interefered in every relationship Ive ever had.

What it comes down to is control. Tell your mother to get a grip on her own life before she sets out on destroying yours.

Aloysius Flyte

Dear OP

So sorry you have had to experience such things.

I'm a good bit older than you and have had a very difficult relationship with my mother. She called me fat, told me I was unloveable and I whore. I broke up with my college boyfriend when I was 21 and I was distraught, and she first asked what did I do wrong, she then said she couldn't understand why we would want to be with me in the first place and that I was a slut, lots of horrible things. I have an older sister and I was brought up to think that she was bad and a whore (which she isn't).

This was very difficult for me and it has taken years of tears to accept that its her and not me. She has issues and its NOT YOUR FAULT. The best advice I can give you is to move out. GET OUT OF THERE. IT IS BAD FOR YOU. You can not make your mother change.

I didn't speak to my mother for 1 year and it was good to have that distance. It caused grief for the rest of the family, but I'm glad I did it and now the relationship is better. She is not my best friend, nor will ever be. I give her information on my life on a need to know basis, tell her what she wants to hear sometimes. However, she is my mother and I love her, and I knew that I had to find a way to get on with her as she isn't going to change. I hope this helps.

Firetrap

OP, sorry to read what you've written. I'm one of the lucky ones who had a great mother but have a couple of friends who've had problems with theirs. One no longer speaks to hers and the other managed to patch her relationship back up a few years after she moved out.

If you are in a position to move out of home, I would strongly encourage you to do so. You're an adult and you should not feel like you have to be answerable to her any more. It's unacceptable that she went through your wardrobe and calls you fat and a slut (I tell ya, if I was a Size 10, I'd prance around the place naked )

Perhaps if you do move out, you might be able to improve your relationship with her in time. That you're not under her roof and ostensibly, under her influence, might make her see you in a different light.

LegacyUser

OP here. I can relate to what ye are all saying in different ways. At least now i know there are others like me out there. I also lie to her about the silliest of things like going to a friend house as its easier to lie coz saves so much hassle. My mother also found a notw in an old bag that i wrote just to get feelings out about an ex and she said to me"oh you must be doing something wrong when they all dump you".
Its making me so bitter now because i don't like her as a person and i hate when i say to friends she is the person in my life thats meanest to me but its true. Also jealous of other friends and there mams are so nice and not judgementa, bitchy etc.
I have two really good friends who are always there for me and my ex and me are great friends too. Just glad to know im not alone. Im moving out in January, can't wait for a new start and to have my independence. I think moving out will really hit home to her because she will no longer have to put on this bitchy attitude when i go somewhere or do something.
Thanks

Firetrap

I'm glad to see you're going to move out. Best of luck to you :pac:

neuro-praxis

Firstly you are going to have to accept that you do not have and will never have the kind of mother who you want and/or need. Once you accept this, and embrace love from every other place, you will be able to move on.

When parents fail their children in this way it is tremendously disappointing. It feels so wrong because what they are doing really is wrong. But these things can't always be solved by a chat and a cup of tea.

I would consider going to a good therapist to talk through the issues you have with your Mam, it will provide a constructive outlet. Maybe think about forgiving her for what she has done, and continues to do. This may bring you peace. If it helps, remember how when you were a baby, she did truly lavish love on you, and sacrifice for you, as all new mums do.

When she says something atrocious simply state, "I will not put up with such nonsense from you" and walk away. Her aim is to hurt, so do not allow her that power.

Then get your distance. You may find things easier once you do not live there. You may even be able to develop a positive relationship with her but f so...it will all be because of you. But you might be able to teach her how to treat you well, simply by example.

Good luck and most of all - don't listen to a bloody word she says about you! It is all coming from her own brokenness...not yours.

McGinty

have had a consistently terrible relationship with my mother. She has said vicious things, thinks you couldnt imagine a mother saying to a child, the insults are endless. To be honest I dont know what anyone can do about it. I think there is a deep rooted competitiveness some mothers have with their daughters. I saw a therapist about this and she said it is far worse if the mother was very beautiful in her youth because she feels threatened by the daughters emerging sexuality.

The above quote has opened my eyes, so thanks to the poster who said that. Op my mother over the years has been cruel, unlike you I was fat and she slated me for it. However, there were far worse things as well and I realised that I had to end all contact, it is extreme, but for me the only viable solution for my situation.

If it helps, remember how when you were a baby, she did truly lavish love on you, and sacrifice for you, as all new mums do.

This quote ****ed me off, not all mothers are there for their new borns, so please don't come out with generalised statements.

The_Conductor

You need to move out.

Over time our relationships with our parents do change- sometimes for the better, sometimes not quite so. Parents often have difficulty reconciling the adult in front of them with the child they brought up. Ultimately, as long as you live under her roof- you should abide by her rules.

In practice- if you do move out, and show her that you are capable of taking charge of your life as a responsible adult, its entirely possible that she may respect you as the responsible adult you have grown up to be.

You do need to accept though- there comes a time when its simply time to move out of the family home and establish your own life. For the sake of your own sanity- I would suggest this is a very good time for you.......

alexjk

I have to say I find it odd that your mum dictates what you wear at 21.I think a bit of independence from your mother would do you wonders, completely yourself calling the shots like. I would say try to realise that what she does and says to you is not a real reflection of you, it's her problem and to try not to get too bogged down by it.

neuro-praxis

McGinty wrote: »

This quote ****ed me off, not all mothers are there for their new borns, so please don't come out with generalised statements.

I obviously didn't mean to piss anyone off. Most mums, even the ones that turn out bad, start out doing their best. Thinking about the care my mam put into raising me helped me appreciate her more in spite of her failings.

Wagon

Neuro-Praxis, your post was spot on except for this:

neuro-praxis wrote: »

If it helps, remember how when you were a baby, she did truly lavish love on you, and sacrifice for you, as all new mums do.

This is bull****. What kind of a mother loved her kid once when they're young then proceeds to treat them like absolute crap when they get older? A poxy one. It's like getting a puppy and then putting it into a shelter when it loses it's cuteness and gets a little bigger. I don't see how that can help.

OP, glad to hear your moving out in the new year. It'll help a lot, and I do advice cutting contact if it make you feel better. It'll possibly make your mother realise what's actually happened here and she might cop herself on. More importantly, it'll give you much needed and well deserved space and not spend a minute more dealing with this crap. When your ready to patch things up then go for it, but don't feel rushed. And remember that it's not your duty to make your mother happy, it's hers. Good luck

LegacyUser

The thing to remember is: you've done nothing wrong. It's completely HER fault. Take the high moral ground with her and tell her she has no right to talk to you like that and that she should show some respect. Also, not in a bitchy way, tell her to seek professional help. It's not normal. A few months without any contact might also be a good way to get your point across.

neuro-praxis

Wagon wrote: »

This is bull****. What kind of a mother loved her kid once when they're young then proceeds to treat them like absolute crap when they get older? A poxy one. It's like getting a puppy and then putting it into a shelter when it loses it's cuteness and gets a little bigger. I don't see how that can help.

No, it isn't like that. Life is not that simple. Babies grow into children and children grow into men and women with strong ideas and personalities. And maybe it doesn't help anyone else, but it gave me some perspective. Watching the children in my life get born and be loved deeply reminded me of the depth of love my own mum would have lavished on me as a child, although things got in the way later. Sometimes life throws very hard things at people as they get older, and they become bitter. I believe in both having strong boundaries and forgiveness, wherever possible. Sometimes, like McGinty did, you need to cut ties. But sometimes there can be a positive outcome.

wolfpawnat

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey im not so much looking for advice but just to see is there anybody out there the same as me. Im 21 finished college, with a good job, living at home but paying my way.
My relationship with my mother is going down hill over the last few years. Don't know where to start but basically she calls me fat when im size 10, says im disgusting(don't know why), and the one thats hurts the most is all my friends laugh at me and nobody cares.
Now after three/four years of this i am dealing with it. Usually i just stay calm and when she fires abuse at me i just don't fight back. She has made me cry so many times over things she has said to me. She found out i was on the pill and i was with my boyfriend for six monoths but she actually went rooting in my wardrobe to find it. The littlest things make her fly off the handle and she has come pretty close to hitting me. She refuses to let me out the door if i wear a dress about an inch above my kneee and calls me a slut if i chose to do this. I am by no means a slut i just like wearing dresses on a night out as i feel they suit me and the amount of times i have to change a dress because it might be two inches above my knee is disgraceful. I don't dare tell her i have a boyfriend or seeing someone as she would go balistic, so i lied when i was with my last boyfriend and worst thing was my friend had to lie to her about where i was. I do get upset at times, i cry and hate my life but as i said i try my best to deal with it.
Just wondering is there anymore 21 yr old girls out there that have terrible relationships with their mother?
WQhat do you do about it? Do you just ignore her and do what you want or do you relent to the pressure and do what she wants? I guess im just trying to find out does a mother have the right to be so mean/have so much control over a 21 year old girl? Coz sometimes i think i should just give in and do everything she wants me to. Sorry for the rant and if i've bored ye all. Id just like to see are there other people in the same boat as sometimes i think im the only one.

Hello OP, I to am 21 and until May I had nothing but hell from my mother, and I mean hell!

The only reason it has stopped is I finally had enough. My mother and sister are very overweight, and I was mocked being called skinny bitch in a nasty way everyday, I was a size 10-12 and then I started going to the gym, not to lose weight, but to tone up, but naturally eating better and going swimming and doing the gym caused me to drop to a 8-10, I was called anorexic and my entire town was told I was a raging bulimic. Nothing could be further from the truth, I love food! Dominos is my weakness:)

My boyfriend, according to my mother is an abuser and only wants me for my money (I dont have any btw) and that he used his last girlfriend too, she is actually still friends with him and myself for that mater, so he cant have been that bad!

I am not pretty and I will never be good enough for an NUI, I am only smart enough for a Fetac qualification whereas my sis is beautiful, smart and very talented. FYI She is 16 stone, in a Fetac course and is a drama queen that has no long term friends. I however, am in a long term relationship, I got myself into UCD and I have a close knit group of friends that love and help me. I am having a baby in January and she is not welcome to the birth or anything.

I ran and left all my life behind, you have your qualifications and you have your friends, you do not need the pain and put downs. I have never felt bad about leaving, except I miss my dogs.

I had no life and I had to text between 6-8 every day to check in with her, I wasnt allowed on foreign holidays and I couldnt go out with my friends past 11pm at 21. Dont even get me started on my 21st. A disaster!!!!!

your mother does not own you, you are not a possession or a pet, you are a human being and at 21 NO ONE can tell you what to do. I took too long to figure that out, I only ran when I was locked into the house and she was threathening to have me sectioned and tried to put my head through the wall. Do not let the same happen to you! Some people have problems and its not your fault or your responsibility. PM if you want to talk, anytime:)