Am I being unreasonable??

tannytantans

Ok I have a problem that's been annoying me for a while now and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not.

My boyfriend started a new job just over a year ago. When he started I noticed he mentioned the name Sally a lot. An awful lot. He never mentioned the names of anyone else he worked with. I found out that Sally worked in a totally different department than him and just helped to train him in and also that she's almost 20 years older than him and a single mother.

My boyfriends job isn't very demanding and he let it slip that he'd go visit Sally in her office everyday for at least an hour just to chat or sometimes he'd help her with her work (he wasn't asked by a supervisor or anything). Anyway friends began to mention how often he mentioned her name (mainly slagging him but a few mentioned it to me sounding a bit concerned)If i mentioned anything I'd just hear Sally's opinion on it. One night we went out together for a few drinks and all he talked about was Sally and her daughter and some project she was doing at school. At this stage I was getting pretty mad and confronted him but he said I was being unreasonable so I left it.

When my boyfriend goes on holidays he takes her back presents. He doesn't get anything for anyone else just her, and if I'm not there he gets something for me also. He was even considering getting a present for her son who he's never even met (my brother is the same age and he never suggested anything for him). When she goes away she gets him personalised presents with his name engraved on them. If I was getting presents for men I worked with I know he would not be pleased.

We're currently travelling for a few months and he regularly emails and writes to her. Not to anyone else in his department and she replies with loads of smiley faces and personal jokes which I think are very inappropriate.

Now my boyfriend doesn't need to be in contact with this woman at work at all. I've asked him to just be polite but not to chat to her constantly as it makes me very uncomfortable but he just gets thick at me. Am i being unreasonable?

I know hes not cheating and our relationship in general is great but I really wish he'd spend less time with this woman as I know he wouldn't like it if things were the other reversed.

afatbollix

what if it was a guy.. would that change the situation??

tannytantans

Well I'd probably be a bit concerned if him and a guy from work were buying gifts for eachother!!

I probably wouldn't be as annoyed which I know is silly but it would still irritate me if he talked about him constantly and if I thought he was doing his work for him.

I have no problem with him having female friends in general - he has many. It just makes me feel uncomfortable how often he talks about this one in particular. He used to mention her name several times a day. He wouldn't reply to texts or answer calls because he was in Sallys office for hours on end.

She never turns up to any of his work events if I'm going so I've never met her and when I'm not there I always hear aout what a great time the pair of them had.

Zillah

Given the specifics of the situation, I'd say no, you're not being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable. However, have you considered that he may just look up to her as a mentor/motherly figure? For one she's twenty years older, and you said she was involved in training him in. It may just be that he sees her as a mentor and feels close to her.

Have you tried talking to him along the lines of "I just find it a little strange, I know you wouldn't cheat on me, but I'd like to understand why it is you're so close to her?" What did you actually say when you confronted him? Did he just dismiss it or did he make any attempt to explain it?

Terodil

I personally think that you're reading too much into it and therefore overreacting. I still agree that you should give talking it out another try.

Thing is, not all men are insensitive clutzes. Not all men have the 'drinking buddy' ideal when it comes to their 'best friends'. It can be that your guy simply has that woman as his best friend and does everything that you would usually do with a best friend in a way completely devoid of sexual attraction: chat, joke, and also share presents from stays abroad. The examples you named are perfectly normal. When I'm chatting with somebody I won't suddenly go silent and hammer a txt into my phone: it would be very very impolite to your conversation partner (whoever s/he is). Taking presents for a best friend is totally innocuous as well (as long as... well... the presents don't get 'special').

That said, there is a small chance that he may feel attracted to her because he has a 'mother complex' or something. Dunno. If he does, I think it's going to be very difficult for you to find out or do anything about it.

FibbersON

I've a work mammy from an old job who I still am in regular contact with. People can build up these relationships, and what you are talking about sounds like the relationship I have with her, nothing to worry about I say.

cantdecide

It really could go either way.

20 years is a lot- to an awful lot of people, that's the difference between romantic interest and absolutely not. It's very possible that they simply have clicked. I buy presents for friends kids, that doesn't mean anything- maybe he feels that she just needs some emotional support and friendship. It's possible that she started the presents thing and he's doomed to continue???

You have to ask yourself, if he really felt romantically for her, wouldn't he do a better job of hiding it? Maybe he's just an affectionate person. Maybe all his other workmates are A******s. Believe me, it happens.

But maybe you're right. Have you thought about asking to meet this Sally person??

LegacyUser

I've a guy in work that I know I'm very close friends with, and I talk about a lot at home. It drives my boyfriend mad...but he has met this guy, and his girlfriend, so he knows what they're like and who they are. He knows that we just hapen to spend a lot of time together during the day, and even when he moved away from the job, I'd still text and ring him every week or so. I also know of another girl in work who's very close to another guy. Her boyfriend finds it uncomfortable too, but they are literally just friends, nothing else.
You are over-reacting a bit, but it would definitely help if you met her. I was eager to meet my friend's girlfriend too, even just so I wouldn't be causing any problems in their relationship either, if he was mentioning my name at home. As it turns out, she's lovely and we get on very well together. It's a friendship, nothing else, between 2 people who clicked well together, and enjoy sitting down and having a chat about everything and nothing!I do know where you're coming from, but see if you can meet her, it might help.

AnonoBoy

What's your boyfriend's relationship with his mother like?

If he didn't have a great childhood or doesn't really see his folks much then maybe he's found some sort of mother figure in Sally.

LolaLuv

I feel small for admitting this, but it would bother me as well. Has he ever introduced you to Sally, or is she an entirely separate part of his life? I think trying to form a friendship with her yourself would be a step in the right direction.

Honestly, if there were anything going on I doubt he'd be so open with you about her. I'd only start to worry if he starts being secretive.

MagicMarker

tannytantans wrote: »

I know hes not cheating and our relationship in general is great

This is really all that matters.

SpookyDoll

I would imagine its the "work Mammy" thing too, if there was anything in it he would definitely be more cagey in hiding it.

I would encourage you to meet her too and you might see that she is one of these warm comforting people to be around, some people just have that kind of aura and naturally take younger people under their wing.

I really think if there was anything to worry about he wouldn't be so open about it.

With the presents it could be something as simple as this. She went away once and brought everyone little token gifts including your boyfriend and then he felt obliged to buy something back so it is more than likely nothing more than that.

I am friends with some younger (and older) people in work and it doesn't mean a thing, you just get a natural commonality or affinity for the people you work with every day, nothing more than that!

If needs be, have a word with your boyfriend and ask him to tone down the "Sally thinks this" and "Sally thinks that" chat as its a little boring to you cos you dont know her.

meditraitor

Doesnt sound bad, if its getting to you ask your partner to arrange to meet up for a drink(when you come back) with sally. You never know, if he likes her you will proabably get on and when you see them together you can get a better feel for their relationship. No point in getting stressed about soemthing that is more than likely innocent friendly behaviour.
2c