Trust issues

LegacyUser

Basically I find it hard to trust my boyfriend Theres no real reason for this, just a 'gut feeling' that he is hiding things from me.For example tonight he went out and said he would be home early. He texted me around midnight to say he would be home soon and there's still no sign of him. He has also turned his phone off so I can't contact him. Why would someone do this if they had nothing to hide? It worries me because whenever he goes out without me he gets hideously drunk and half the time he can't even tell me where he was after a certain point in the evening so god knows what else he would do..at least thats my reasoning.

Every time he does this he promises that he won't do it again, he knows how much it annoys me him 'going for 1 drink' at 6 and not coming back till 5 the next morning without even letting me know. In fairness,this is the first time in a while this has happened, but its like as soon as he gets a drink in him he completely forgets about me, which doesn't exactly reassure me. He's in his 30s, why cant he stop when he's had enough?! He accepts that this is wrong and that he will at least stay in touch when he goes out, he changes for a few months and then does the same thing again.

Hmm...maybe this thread should be titled 'drink issues'


So now I'm sitting here unable to sleep with all sorts of scenarios going through my head.And I know that if I trusted him I wouldn't have these scenarios in my head!

He gets quite annoyed when I talk about this saying that he would never cheat etc etc. but why can't i get rid of this niggling feeling? Should I trust my instincts or just accept that I am being over paranoid. I was never this insecure before.

chickenhawk

There might be something up. I know guys who do this because they are scoring girls. If i do this it's because i'm in a casino and some other guys do it because they are still drinking so you will need more info then not calling. Drink makes people forget etc.

Overheal

chickenhawk wrote: »

There might be something up. I know guys who do this because they are scoring girls. If i do this it's because i'm in a casino and some other guys do it because they are still drinking so you will need more info then not calling. Drink makes people forget etc.

Lets stick with what we know before he's guilty until proven innocent.

Before I would ever get into an argument about things/people he could or could not be doing OP (really, don't, it will end nowhere) You'd be much easier off debunking his excuses.

Not that youre trying to catch him in a lie, but talk to him about maybe not drinking as much, or joining AA, or whatever he has to do. If he is (well allegedly) getting blind drunk on a regular basis, than he is an Alcoholic, and needs help.

By all means if he gets clean and still finds magic bullet excuses to not talk to his better half about where he's been, that would be the point to beginning worrying about deceit. If he doesn't want to go to AA - that should be all the reason you need to leave him. But making about cheating without proof will only make the breakup that much messier, so really I would avoid it until you have something more to go on.

[Jackass]

His battery might have died?

OP I don't think staying out late = cheating.

I can tell you that with my last girlfriend I would sometimes go out on a lads night and it's not that I, or any of the lads, would forget about the girlfriend.

We'd just be getting sh*t faced.

And trust me, even if he TRIED to get in with another girl, he would probably be too mongo'd to string a sentence together - although I doubt he would, not knowing the guy, but presuming he's decent he wouldn't.

So unless there's some girl out there who is turned on by a lad in his 30's screaming incomprehendable giberish into her ear with his face uncomfortably close to hers, with the odd spit being shot out and one hand leaning on the back of her chair and one hand spilling a half drank jagermeister all over her, I think you'll be ok.

But to be honest lads just go out and get messed up. None of the lads I know who had girlfriends went off with anybody else or even tried, and the lads who didn't have girlfriends couldn't get within an ass's roar of chatting up a girl cause it's a lads night, not a pulling session, and they're scuttered!!

Pub07

Your his girlfriend not his mother. If my girlfriend had a problem with me going for a few pints and staying out until a time of my choosing I'd tell her to cop on. He's out having a laugh with his friends the last thing he needs is someone whinging at him over a complete non-isssue. You'll be seeing him in a few hours anyway so why would you be ringing him when he is out with his friends? Judging by your post, the only reason I can see is so you could nag him about how he's out later than he said he would be and getting all clingy asking when he's coming home etc...That is why I'd say he has his phone turned off.

star-pants

Overheal wrote: »

Not that youre trying to catch him in a lie, but talk to him about maybe not drinking as much, or joining AA, or whatever he has to do. If he is (well allegedly) getting blind drunk on a regular basis, than he is an Alcoholic, and needs help.

... But making about cheating without proof will only make the breakup that much messier, so really I would avoid it until you have something more to go on.

I agree - Guys do tend to go out get drunk and then not respond, it's happened to me the odd time, they're drunk, they're not going to look at their phone and if he can't remember half the night he probably wouldn't even know you'd texted if he did read it.
IF this is the case on a more than weekly basis - as overheal said, he may have a slight problem. IMO you shouldn't get rat faced to the point of not remembering every time you go out. There's social drinking and there's boarderline alcoholism.
I doubt he's cheating, he did text at midnight to say he'd be home soon, and if he was leaving the club/pub within the hour - he has to go find his mates, queue for a taxi, maybe get food. I've waited for 3hrs for a taxi once (never again!) so it's plausible why he wouldn't be home by 3am.

If it's really bothering you - approach it from the concerned point of view, not the 'omg are you cheating' as I don't think he is. You need to talk to him, and see what's what (regarding the drinking etc). There could be logical reasons behind his phone being off (battery etc).

petethebrick

There's nothing wrong with him staying out til all hours drinkin with his mates from time to time but you're right to be annoyed he doesn't let you know. It's not that often you say right?
It's not hard to send a text...but you know yourself how nights take off sometimes. Maybe you should just take it for granted that if his going out with his mates he might not be home til the morning. He probably is taking that for granted himself but telling you he'll be home early because of times in the past you have given him grief for being away all night. It's not that big a deal to be honest.

dblennon

"he knows how much it annoys me him 'going for 1 drink' at 6 and not coming back till 5 the next morning without even letting me know. In fairness,this is the first time in a while this has happened, but its like as soon as he gets a drink in him he completely forgets about me, which doesn't exactly reassure me. He's in his 30s,"

TBH your saying that he dosen't do it that often and he is clearly out with the lads and def pissed.

He needs to be more honest with you. Guys do this, it's a bonding thing nothing to do with cheating or trying to puposely piss off the missus.

He'll apologise not man up and say that it is ridiculous that you are so upset that a grown man can't go out for the night.

Tim Robbins

Lads don't usually arrange everything in advance. "Let's meet in two weeks time, and stay out til this time". So if that's your expectation - drop it.

I don't know anybody who arranges lads night like that unless it's a stag.

Men need lads nights. the banter is completly different and they are superb fun. Enjoy the occasional break from him, be thankful he has friends and hence you get the occasional break.

deisedevil

I have to show this thread to my gf. She gets herself wrapped up in knots similar to the OP when i go out. If I haven't advised her of my drinking plans at least a few weeks in advance then it causes uproar and even if i have and i deviate from said plans at all and stay out longer than i was going to then i get crucified, even in situations where she has gone back to her parents for a few days and i go out at home but go on the lash with friends. she aint happy if i'm havin a bit of a laugh and she's not there, and when she is there it's her rules and we go home when she wants, so i enjoy the freedom when i get it and i do agree that sometimes i go overboard with it but could ya blame me. I'm not out to go on the pull i'm just having some care free time with friends without having to look after someone else and keep someone else happy and without having to be disapointed that my fun is about to come to an end before i want it to.

So OP, don't worry too much about it, let it go, your only making things difficult on yourself. If he has a genuine drink problem and goes bananas on it EVERY single time he goes out and he goes out a LOT, then you need to decide if that's someone you want to stay with. If he does it now and again and theres no solid proof whatsoever that he's doing the dirty then it aint really fair to give him grief and just because he's having some care free time without you and not bothering to text or phone it won't mean he doesn't care about you. I know from experience, we're not all bastards and you might lose one who isn't either by over reacting!

Get out yourself a bit more and go mad, don't leave him have all the fun

LegacyUser

..theres no smoke without fire, there is always a reason you have that nagging feeling.

Ive been out on the absolute batter on the drink, lost control and done the dirt, I didn't plan it but I ignored my boyfriends frantic calls and texts.

Just a view from the other side, I agree with not being too paranoid but sometimes you shouldnt ignore red flags either.