I just dont know anymore.....

LegacyUser

I'm fed up, I really dont know where my life is going or what I'm doing anymore. I have spent the last month constantly feeling like I'm going to fall apart at any moment as bad thing after bad thing has happened to me and now I am at a stage where I dont see the point in being around any more.

Im a student, I'm 26, apart from the fact I feel im so much older then everyone else in college (and I am a postgrad) and that most of the people my age are married, have children, living with their partner or at least are in a long term relationship, I have absolutley know idea what I am going to do with my life.

Firstly, I have no money, I have not a penny, litterly. I cant afford my rent, heat, ESB or even the €2 that gets me to my work placement every day. My work placement is probably the most important part of my postgrad, I have the hours of a full time job and I dont get paid for it, nothing,not even lunch or coffee or anything. I do get a grant from the local VEC, but it does not cover much and I have tried continously to get a part-time job, but I have got nothing. I can barely afford food. I feel ill at the thought that I will not be able to buy presents for anyone this year.It breaks my heart becouse I worked incredibly hard to get into the postgrad and now I cant even enjoy it. I cant afford to go out, let alone get involved in any social activities, as by the time I get back from work, I am so tired or late for anything, plus I cant afford it!

Secondly, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. It had got to the stage where I wanted more from a relationship then he did. He wasnt prepared to make it a more permanat thing and considering we had spent 3 years together, I felt that was where we should have been headed. As I said before the majority of people my age are married or engaged or have some sort of plan for their life, and there seemed to be a lot of pressure on me form outside to follow suit. We had broken up for a month before, but got back together and it was at a stage where it was not fun. I thought it was ok and I was doing ok, until I found out he is now seeing sombody else and here I am, brokenhearted and alone. TBH, he was my first serious boyfiriend and I am utterly terrified that at 26, thats me done, cosidering it took me so long to find sombody in the first place. I do feel I am not pretty or confident enough for anyone to want to be in a relationship with me. I've never been a hit with men and I never really get chatted up much, so I dont know what I am going to do.

Thirdly, I feel I have absolutely nobody to talk to about how awful I feel. The majority of my friends from college have left or I am too busy to meet with them. I was very involved in things and clubs when I was doing my undergrad and I have never found it hard to make friends, but now I just dont have the time to and becouse I went straight from undergrad to postgrad its a massive change. I live with nice people, but I feel they have thier own lives and I wouldnt be comfortable with them knowing I am this depressed. I do have a good relationship with my parents, but at the moment, one of my relatives is termonaly ill and I feel horrible for loading them with this on top of that. That has also added to a lot of upset for me. I have spoken to a counceller about this, but I do think they were not very helpful to me, they listened to me cry but didnt give me any solutions to the problem. I cant go to one now as I have to work every day. I have been to a doctor also, but I didnt find him helpful, especialy when he refered me to sombody else who I cannot afford.

Last night, sombody I know took their own life. we were not very close but I had met them a few times. They had lived with one of my friends. Through crossed wires I had learned that it was actualy my friend who had been found and I spent most of the night in tears, only to be told after that it wasnt her after all. I cant go on like this haveing horrible thing after horrible thing happen to me and having nobody to talk to about it. I feel ill and feel like its pointless for me to even be around anymore, i feel people dont consider me anymore, so whats the point.

If anyone, anyone out there has anything that can help me feel better, please please please put it up. I do feel better after typing this up, but I need to do somthing about it to make it more permant. PLEASE HELP ME.

LegacyUser

Oh dear you poor thing.. Everything has happened at once.

I was there once too. Absolutely skint, working on a postgrad that seemed unending. And it is really demoralising having no cash when all your friends are earning. On top of this you've had the relationship break up.

Well I have to tell you, not all 26 year olds are married or engaged or have a plan. Not all 40 year olds do for goodness sake. You are in no way unusual and you are still very young so try to stop worrying about that, but I know its natural to feel that way after coming out of a relationship.

Really you just need to concentrate on getting through this postgrad and the light at the end of the tunnel. Give yourself some time off from relationships and permission not to worry about that aspect of your life. Really, you are very young still. Once you're qualified and feeling better in yourself, you can start working on that side of things again.

Sorry to hear about that person who took their life Things like that affect so many.

Oh btw I stuck with my postgrad and am in a pretty decent position now. So things got better for me even though I was in a very dark place at one stage. Things will get better for you too...

helimachoptor

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm fed up, I really dont know where my life is going or what I'm doing anymore. I have spent the last month constantly feeling like I'm going to fall apart at any moment as bad thing after bad thing has happened to me and now I am at a stage where I dont see the point in being around any more.

Im a student, I'm 26, apart from the fact I feel im so much older then everyone else in college (and I am a postgrad) and that most of the people my age are married, have children, living with their partner or at least are in a long term relationship, I have absolutley know idea what I am going to do with my life.

Firstly, I have no money, I have not a penny, litterly. I cant afford my rent, heat, ESB or even the €2 that gets me to my work placement every day. My work placement is probably the most important part of my postgrad, I have the hours of a full time job and I dont get paid for it, nothing,not even lunch or coffee or anything. I do get a grant from the local VEC, but it does not cover much and I have tried continously to get a part-time job, but I have got nothing. I can barely afford food. I feel ill at the thought that I will not be able to buy presents for anyone this year.It breaks my heart becouse I worked incredibly hard to get into the postgrad and now I cant even enjoy it. I cant afford to go out, let alone get involved in any social activities, as by the time I get back from work, I am so tired or late for anything, plus I cant afford it!

Secondly, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. It had got to the stage where I wanted more from a relationship then he did. He wasnt prepared to make it a more permanat thing and considering we had spent 3 years together, I felt that was where we should have been headed. As I said before the majority of people my age are married or engaged or have some sort of plan for their life, and there seemed to be a lot of pressure on me form outside to follow suit. We had broken up for a month before, but got back together and it was at a stage where it was not fun. I thought it was ok and I was doing ok, until I found out he is now seeing sombody else and here I am, brokenhearted and alone. TBH, he was my first serious boyfiriend and I am utterly terrified that at 26, thats me done, cosidering it took me so long to find sombody in the first place. I do feel I am not pretty or confident enough for anyone to want to be in a relationship with me. I've never been a hit with men and I never really get chatted up much, so I dont know what I am going to do.

So you dont have a bean to your name and cant get a job and yet you want to start planning a wedding... Do you not realise weddings cost money??

No the majority of 26 year olds I dont beleive are married, I'm 26 as is the other half together 4.5 years and yes she would like me to pop the question but it'll be at least 4 years before it happens. She knows I'm not going anywhere, I beleive your cutting off your face to spite your nose. Dumping your BF because he wont do what you want, what about what eh wants? Maybe he wants to wait a few years?
Op he has moved on and is with someone else, I will tell you one thing if you give off those "I'm so desperate for a boyfriend/to get married vibes" you will be single for quite a while.

Unregistered wrote: »

Thirdly, I feel I have absolutely nobody to talk to about how awful I feel. The majority of my friends from college have left or I am too busy to meet with them. I was very involved in things and clubs when I was doing my undergrad and I have never found it hard to make friends, but now I just dont have the time to and becouse I went straight from undergrad to postgrad its a massive change. I live with nice people, but I feel they have thier own lives and I wouldnt be comfortable with them knowing I am this depressed. I do have a good relationship with my parents, but at the moment, one of my relatives is termonaly ill and I feel horrible for loading them with this on top of that. That has also added to a lot of upset for me. I have spoken to a counceller about this, but I do think they were not very helpful to me, they listened to me cry but didnt give me any solutions to the problem. I cant go to one now as I have to work every day. I have been to a doctor also, but I didnt find him helpful, especialy when he refered me to sombody else who I cannot afford.

Last night, sombody I know took their own life. we were not very close but I had met them a few times. They had lived with one of my friends. Through crossed wires I had learned that it was actualy my friend who had been found and I spent most of the night in tears, only to be told after that it wasnt her after all. I cant go on like this haveing horrible thing after horrible thing happen to me and having nobody to talk to about it. I feel ill and feel like its pointless for me to even be around anymore, i feel people dont consider me anymore, so whats the point.

If anyone, anyone out there has anything that can help me feel better, please please please put it up. I do feel better after typing this up, but I need to do somthing about it to make it more permant. PLEASE HELP ME.

Op unfortuntely life is s**t sometimes and things arent getting better for the country as a whole. I know what it feels like to have no money in college, at one stage I was working nights 10pm to 6am, sleep for a couple of hours then go to college, sleep then work, I did that for 3 months instead of asking my parents for money, jesus when they found out they hit the f**king roof! OP ask your parents for money, It doesnt sound like your a sponger, you obviously need the financial help and actually having money for food or to go out with some college friends would really help you.

Op it must have been truamatic to think that your friend had ended their life, just be thankful it wasnt them though it is sad that it is someone you know. From personal experience I know a couple of people that ended their own lives, no friends/family but people I knew from school or from where I grew up. Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do about it they had their reasons, go to the funeral/say a prayer but at this moment in time you need to focus on yourself.

Best of luck:)

LegacyUser

It wasnt a thing that I dumped my bf becouse he didnt want to marry, it wasnt working out in genreral, we never got to see each other, he wasnt happy. Its not a case of "no rock, no relationship". I'm actually a bit hurt by that.

I understand weddings cost money and tbh, I didnt really want to get married right away, but I wanted something that ment we were serious. As for the everyone my age getting married, considering 3 couples from my college class are engaged or married and every weekend when I go home I hear of another person I went to school with getting engaged or married, you have to understand I feel pressure. Not to mention every time I said to people I had a boyfriend for 3 years, it was quickly followed by "ou, theres a wedding there" or somthing to the effect of that .

cantdecide

You're having a tough time for sure OP. You must have some mettle in you to get this far so don't write yourself off. Loneliness can do crazy things. I think you should confide in someone becasue your problems are many but not insurmountable.

LegacyUser

but that is the problem, i have nobody to confide in. all my really cloase friends have moved away and I have no time to see anyone else.

SpookyDoll

Is there any way you could defer the Post Grad...to another time when you are not so stressed and the credit crunch is over....

Its nice to have qualifications but at the same time what about your sanity...if its causing you such poverty and social isolation maybe its time to get out...? Just a thought.

As for the marriage thing, dont let other peoples opinions into your head.
Its not like there will ever be an end to their demands so dont get into it in the first place.

Be self led, people wouldn't be satisfied even if you did get married, then there would be pressure to have kids, next thing there would be pressure to get a bigger house, yada yada yada.....the point is once you start living your life to "a plan" you will be trapped by other peoples expectations which are never ending and thats just an obediant existance.

Start thinking about taking pressure off, not loading more on to yourself.

chops1990

Spookydoll is right. Look after yourself. Sort out the financial stuff first, then you can focus on your social life.

OP it seems like life is kinda sh** at the moment. None of us can fix any of your problems but I hope you don't mind if I make a couple of suggestions.

The first one is pick up the phone to one of your friends. If you don't have much credit ask them to ring you back. It can be hard to contact people when you've a problem, especially if you haven't been in touch in a while, but trust me when I say they will listen to you and believe it or not they'll be glad you got in touch.

Keep up the job hunt, something will come along. Obviously if you can rent somewhere cheaper then move. Other than that I think most colleges have a student hardship fund. I know you're on work placement but it's part of your course and unpaid so it's worth contacting the college and asking if they provide any financial assistance to students in need. As helimachoptor said, if all else fails ask someone in your family to help you out, it's only temporary! If your grant covers your rent then an amount which may seem small to someone else, a couple of quid a week, will make a huge difference to you. (I've lived very well on €20 a week in tough times ) And don't mind christmas presents!!

You don't mention any hobbies or interests you have. That jumps out at me... Not everything costs money and it may seem an effort to get out there after a day at work but you will feel ten times better for doing it. Do something every day just for you!! Even a 15 minute walk or jog (yes in the rain or the cold, so what!!!:p Have a hot shower after) I'm not a complete hippy, but what about yoga or meditation, just try out something that makes you feel you're doing something positive for yourself.

And you should really view every day on your work placement as an achievement, it is one day closer to reaching your goal of a postgrad.

Hope something in that helps...

cantdecide

My sister is doing her phd at 28 at the moment and she's had a bad break up recently and she's hopelessly broke and in debt. She feels the same way too, so you're not nuts. I would definintely say that she's tough as nails but these things do take their toll, but only from time to time. It's been a lousy sunless year and you are fatigued and a break for Crimbo will be here shortly so chin up, nose to the grindstone and remember us when you make it to the top;)

HouseHippo

1st of all.....This feeling will pass.
Just think to yourself...things can only get better,take it as a mantra maybe.
Secondly,26 is not old.I have 25-30 year old friends who are still single and childless.I also have 25+ friends who are married with children and are seriously unhappy.
You need to sort out your financial situation firstly,that is the most important matter at hand.
Then once that problem is solved you will be much more relaxed.You should then put yourself out there a bit,make friends in college,go to bars,gigs,comedy clubs,even join a book club. Take it from there.If people are good enough to instill friendship in then they should respect you for who you are not judge you by age.Some of my friends are in their late 20's and i'm only 18.

So cheer up and take it from there!

sunnyside

I feel so much sympathy for you OP and I think some of the replies on here are a bit harsh helimachoptor I'm talking about you.


OP about the money situation, do you have student debts as well as not having any money for day to day stuff? Do you have some money however small to buy food every day?

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Its nice to have qualifications but at the same time what about your sanity...if its causing you such poverty and social isolation maybe its time to get out...? Just a thought.

Maybe the Vincent De Paul society could help her a little. They are in the news a lot lately saying they are buying people food and paying for heating. I feel that there would be no shame whatsoever in asking as the situation is a bit desperate for the OP just now. In return for some help maybe she could voulnteer for a few hours a week which would also give her a social outlet.

As mentioned the college hardship fund could also help.

If you need someone to talk to call the Samaritans.

I don't know about this but could she be entitled to rent allowance from the health board? 26 makes you a mature student so there might be some welfare entitlments.

This isn't helpful to the OP but what's really annoying me about this is that there are some absolute wasters out there spending the Christmas bonus they got from the social welfare yesterday when there are hard working people like the OP in desperate situations.

What about your parents? Do they give you any money? They might not be aware how bad your situation is but surely they know that you are a student doing unpaid work placement. Doesn't take a genius to work out that money would be in short supply.

kmick

Could you get a small student loan - say €2000 to help you out with your money problems. Then when you get it get your hair done and buy a new dress. Go out feeling great and get yourself a rich handsome man to help you through college and give you a right good seeing to every now and then. That would be most of your problems sorted out right there.

Well you could get the loan anyway...;)

McGinty

Hi Op

I don't know what your PhD but there is funding for post grad students, would you consider the IRCHSS (I think), talk to a student advisor about grants, not just the grant from the council but other forms of scholarships, most colleges have a student welfare fund, it is not a huge amount but every little bit can help. I thought I'd address that issue first purely because if you can't afford to eat, etc, you are bound to feel very depressed.

As for the everyone my age getting married, considering 3 couples from my college class are engaged or married and every weekend when I go home I hear of another person I went to school with getting engaged or married, you have to understand I feel pressure.

Why do you feel pressure to marry? When I was reading your post and the part about your boyfriend, I got the distinct impression that you had no real love for him, it was a case of we have been together x amount of time, it is not going anywhere so walk away, and you did the right thing but it is possible you are grieving for the loss of the relationship. The only time you should get married is because you want to and you love the other person. No other reason - period. It does not matter who is getting married, or how many or how old you will be, or how young, marry for the right reasons, not the social ones.

It does sound to me like you are going through a depression, again, you want to reach out to people but you also feel alienated, as in I don't want to bother anyone, for me that screams depressive thinking and you need help with that. Again could your college offer a counselling service that is free? How about ringing niteline, that is free, or the samartins, they are not just there for people who feel suicidal but for anyone who is down, or you could ring Aware (they are a group for depression). I suffer bouts of depression, I am a lot older than you and I can say that all these periods are temporary, they are horrible during the time but oddly enough, they are also times of huge growth. Every person I have ever met who has genuinly suffered has grown stronger and more humane. I know this is cold comfort and the only thing I can add is be kind to yourself, try to do one nice thing a day for yourself, best of luck Op.

LegacyUser

Wow

sounds like myself a few yeas ago

lost a friend through an accident - hit me hard. was stuck in college doing a postgrad that i was fed up doing, broke, no car, with all my friends working full time and earning good money with cars etc

all i'll say is real friends and family will be important to get you through this

defer finishing the postgrad? go out and get a full time job? its what i did, and managed to go back to college 3 years later to finish the postgrad

Terpsichore

I know you don't believe it now, but these feelings will pass.

At this moment in time you see the grass is much greener on the other side, BUT we all do the same. Some young maried couples and young parents might be wishing they had waited a little bit longer before getting married. They might regret not having finished their postgrad when they could while single.

There are desperate parents out there looking for babysitters and ready to pay EUR10.00 an hour. Might help a little bit for quick cash and you can study when the kids are in bed.

Big pubs like the Arlington are always looking for waitressing staff. They use to pay cash every week. Al least it helped me when I moved here 10 years ago. Ah yeah, not from here, and no family living less than 8 hours door to door...

It's a good thing to be looking for help with councellors but they are not cheap, and they are just there to listen to you. The solution has to come from you. And in your case, I think patience is the key.

Also, a big question you need to ask yourself: what do you do for fun? You can have fun by yourself and without involving money. Go for long walks, try to see the positive side of life, funny things in town, on the sea side... Join a social club like the lunch club, or a walking club to meet people. Taking care of your health will help you to focus on something positive for yourself.

Only time will help. In a few years you will look back and be proud of having gone through these tough times all by yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Firstly, let me congratulate you on being true to yourself and seeing where the problems lie and most importantly, talking about it. I know first hand it isn't easy when you feel alone.

But you are looking for help, so good on you. Money worries can make you very depressed, but as some other posters said, maybe a small loan from a family member will get the utilities out of the way. I would urge you to forget about presents. Christmas is about goodwill and being thankful to be alive, your loved ones will understand. Why not give your friends and family inexpensive but thoughtful gifts like a day of your time helping with chores or the like? I'm pretty broke right now myself so am making simple cakes for everyone I care about. Won't cost more than 30 euros for the lot, so I'm happy with that.

I guess you are feeling quite alienated in college. I am 25 myself in a PhD and feel older than everyone around me cos I have a small child as well. I also broke up with my son's father 3 mths before our wedding and was in a bad way a few months ago as I am not from here and have no close family or friends nearby. But here I am, surviving. I learnt to trust myself in the last few months, downsized my budget and re-learned the joys of a simpler life. I can't afford to go out, but stay in and watch DVDs or play music and go for walks. It does wonders for your self-esteem to re-learn just what a beautiful human being you really are and how lucky you are to be healthy (also what great company you can be for yourself)

So you feel old? forget about it, you're young yet and have another 30 or so years to do whatever you want. It may not seem like it, but you will move on from this. I was in a black place, but learnt that no amount of therapy or ant-depressants will help if you can't find the strength from within.

Don't despair. If you are religious, try to find strength in your faith, or if not, find faith in the things that got you this far in life.

It won't last forever. Our stories are similar enough for me to ask you not to think about any drastic measures (although I am sorry about the person who passed on). Try to be strong.

All the best.