Mountain out of a molehill?

LegacyUser

Hmm.. Where to start, well my b/f and I have what I think or thought to be a thoughtful loving relationship, we're very happy together, talk of the future, make each other laugh and for the best part are loving, kind and comfortable together with a wonderful sex life.. Sounds good... What's the problem? Well from time to time when I feel I need him most he's completely unavailable. Take last week, I had my bag snatched, nothing violent happened but I was a little freaked by the whole experience and to my mind, rightly so. I couldn't get him as he was working which wasn't his fault obviously, however I managed to contact my sister who works in the same building as him, she let him know what had happened and he text me! Text? Now am I over reacting or is that completely insufficient under the circumstances? I replied that I was hurt that that's all he could do, so he called and apologised, okay fine, but that was it, end of story, not another word mentioned, it was a case of, "yeh you're right I should have called.. Sorry" I don't want him to grovel, or beg forgiveness and I don't want to make a big deal of it, but if the roles were reversed I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure he was okay. Is this normal behaviour? I'll admit I hadnt been in a long term relationship for quite some time before this, but to me if the one you love is hurting, or scared or needs you a bloody text just don't cut it... This is one example, I do feel from time to time when I'm upset or worried about something he runs a mile, but I've put that down to men in general being uncomfortable around female emotion,,, maybe an unfair generalisation... Any feedback would be appreciated ..

lilminx

Confused.com wrote: »

that was it, end of story, not another word mentioned, it was a case of, "yeh you're right I should have called.. Sorry" I don't want him to grovel, or beg forgiveness and I don't want to make a big deal of it, but if the roles were reversed I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure he was okay. Is this normal behaviour? I'll admit I hadnt been in a long term relationship for quite some time before this, but to me if the one you love is hurting, or scared or needs you a bloody text just don't cut it... This is one example, I do feel from time to time when I'm upset or worried about something he runs a mile, but I've put that down to men in general being uncomfortable around female emotion,,, maybe an unfair generalisation... Any feedback would be appreciated ..

Oh OP - I read your post and I could give you a couple of examples of this myself and I do think it is just a difference between guys and girls -

My boyfriend is amazing and I adore him but if we have a disagreement or he does something small to piss me off and I say - that made me feel x or whatever - he'll apologise, say he understands how it made me feel and takes it on board... that's it... .... .... ....

I don't know what more I expect him to do or what I want him to say but it feels that his response is inadequate - it used to bug me but in reality it's just that he thinks if he takes on board what I say and apologises for what he's done wrong - no matter how silly or small or whatever - then that's it.. move on... and you know he's actually right in the majority of cases.

I agree with you that he could have done more in your hour of need - but you told him how you felt... and he apologised - you can accept it and expect more of him should a similar *please buddha nothing serious* situation arise.

Confused.com wrote: »

Hmm.. Where to start, well my b/f and I have what I think or thought to be a thoughtful loving relationship, we're very happy together, talk of the future, make each other laugh and for the best part are loving, kind and comfortable together with a wonderful sex life.. Sounds good...

you lucky lucky thing...:D

Mcfast

guys arent as bright as girls when it comes to emotions and not as thoughtful. i could see myself doing this as well but feeling very guilty when i thought about it later. you should sit down and explain it to him,sometimes we really need it spelled out to us!

Wagon

Just a little short sightedness on his part, I'd easily do the same. He might have been doing ten things at once and his mind a little scattered. An honest mistake. Human's make them sometimes. Just don't harp on about this to him because it's a real pain in the arse.

spinandscribble

i dunno, if it was me and a bf did that i'd assume he wasn't able to make a phone call in work and i'd ask could he ring me when he gets a chance.
Question: are these times when he's distant just when he's at work?

MagicMarker

You're over reacting tbh...

Fair enough, he should have called, but he didn't and he apologised. He more than likely knew you were ok because your sister probably told him so.

Build a bridge, get over it. (i've always wanted to say that)

Recon

I think your over-reacting. You don't know what he was doing at work or how busy he was. At least he did send you a text instead of waiting to get home to talk to you about it. And I don't think he needed to apologise.

dblennon

I agree with above & on top of that I would say that it's a bit of a joke that he apologised, I'd be pretty annoyed if, I was busy in work and my OH thought it so! inconsiderate not to call, that it warrented mention.

LegacyUser

What a complete lack of consideration! His poor girlfriend had just been robbed, was shook up and in need of knowing there was someone there for her and he sends a bloody text! Nothing says I'm there for you like a feckin' text message. He was making the least effort possible, of course he should have apologised.

Wibbs

Mcfast wrote: »

guys arent as bright as girls when it comes to emotions and not as thoughtful.

I don't agree TBH. In fact I would say among the men and women I know and have known the men are the more consistently thoughtful. We don't tend to make as much of an obvious song and dance about it though. I will say we generally compartmentalise more. Personally I would have rung when I got the chance rather than text. The when I got the chance bit is important. Sometimes work gets in the way. It's also a question of degree. A death in the family or something of that nature, everything gets dropped. Bag snatch would be serious enough to warrant a call, but again depending on work context.

lilminx wrote:

My boyfriend is amazing and I adore him but if we have a disagreement or he does something small to piss me off and I say - that made me feel x or whatever - he'll apologise, say he understands how it made me feel and takes it on board... that's it... .... .... ....

I don't know what more I expect him to do or what I want him to say but it feels that his response is inadequate - it used to bug me but in reality it's just that he thinks if he takes on board what I say and apologises for what he's done wrong - no matter how silly or small or whatever - then that's it.. move on... and you know he's actually right in the majority of cases.

Nail on the head as a description. That would be my take on it too. I know how he feels. The problem has been brought up, hopefully dealt with, so move on. I've had that to a lesser or greater extent with exes. Most didn't know quite why they wanted more(or what they wanted) but like you let it go. Some didnt and that's why they're exes.

IMHO it stems from a lot of women needing a lot more emotional validation from more people in their life than men do in general. Indeed I gotta be honest if a man pulled the emotional validation routine with me, unless he was a close mate going through actual problems, he would be told to cop the hell on and fast.

It's not simply that the issue is resolved, many women need to get all their emotional frustration out as well. Even with unconnected issues(which really melts guys heads; "hang on we were talking about X what the hell has Y got to do with anything??").

It does have advantages as a coping method. They talk through a problem with outside input far more than men, which throws up new avenues of options. Men tend t think through the problem on their own, usually looking for validation after they made the decision. They socialise the problem too. Externalising emotions and getting them out is better for stress than bottling it up long term. It also has disadvantages if the person over eggs it. They can come across like spoiled children who cry wolf. Men switch off when that happens. I know I have, or I've walked away until they pulled themselves together. OK they are generalisations but I found they hold pretty true.

I have learned when that happens, listen, shut the hell up and don't offer soultions and walk away. Let her talk through the problems, really listen and you may actually learn something. It irritates at times, but ot's one reason you're with her. She's a woman and a person, and has a diff angle on an issue. She gives you info you would normally miss. Listen to her. That would be my advise to any guy.

To women I would say, just because he doesn't get into the nitty gritty with you every time, let it go. Do NOT be like a dog at a bone. Step back, pick your battles and don't assume its either an attack on you or a reflection of your relationship. Sometimes what seems really emotionally important to you at the time actually isn't. That's one of the reasons you are with him. He's a man, with a different take on things. One of those things he brings is a sense of emotional perspective. If he acted like one of your girlfriends you would soon enough not fancy him at all, so be careful what you wish for, the next time you wish he was more sensitive.

My 2c anyhoo

LegacyUser

Okay, I'm not sure why it's a joke he apologised... Surely when you upset somebody however unintentional it is common courtesy to offer an apology..He wasn't busy in work as my mugging "Conveniently" took place at lunchtime.. I wasn't pissed off that I couldn't get him as he tends to have his phone on silent in the office and his landline on voicemail, I was however pissed off that he didn't ring, as he knows when I'm upset or down he's the first person I want to talk to, as I am when he's something on his mind. Can I also just say when he doesn't find his car keys I'm called, in work or not. Yes my sis told him I wasn't hurt but I was very shaken, and to me a brief phonecall would've made all the difference, probably would've taken less time than to send the feckin text.
Anyway thanks for your feedback, some helpful some kinda anger making!!
Just for the record, I have built a bridge we're fine and dandy, it just pissed me off and I was genuinely curious to see what others thought.

Lollipops23

so you wanted him to contact you, he did and you got mad.wtf?he was in work,maybe he couldn't call you?and when you got mad he rang straight away?poor guy....

LolaLuv

I think you might have overreacted. Probably you were upset about the mugging, couldn't take it out on the douchebag that stole your purse, and instead took it out on your poor, loving boyfriend. You might apologize to him for giving him a rough time, then ask him to cuddle. That's what I'd do, anyway. I think I'd need a hug if my purse got stolen.

LegacyUser

Aghhhhh.... Okay for starters he is not a "poor guy" he's in a relationship, a loving one at that, I am always considerate of his feelings and if he's upset about something I make sure it's not a random text I throw his way... I'm not mad with him now, I was upset at the time, and still am a little that I had to ask him to call me instead of him thinking of it himself, I was upset, I told him, I didn't make his life hell or sulk for days, I had an emotion, identified it and shared it with him, imo an honest and healthy approach to a relationship! And when I do unintentional things to upset him, which obviously I do, this being real life, he tells me and I apologise!

LolaLuv

Wibbs wrote: »

I don't agree TBH. In fact I would say among the men and women I know and have known the men are the more consistently thoughtful. We don't tend to make as much of an obvious song and dance about it though. I will say we generally compartmentalise more. Personally I would have rung when I got the chance rather than text. The when I got the chance bit is important. Sometimes work gets in the way. It's also a question of degree. A death in the family or something of that nature, everything gets dropped. Bag snatch would be serious enough to warrant a call, but again depending on work context.

Nail on the head as a description. That would be my take on it too. I know how he feels. The problem has been brought up, hopefully dealt with, so move on. I've had that to a lesser or greater extent with exes. Most didn't know quite why they wanted more(or what they wanted) but like you let it go. Some didnt and that's why they're exes.

IMHO it stems from a lot of women needing a lot more emotional validation from more people in their life than men do in general. Indeed I gotta be honest if a man pulled the emotional validation routine with me, unless he was a close mate going through actual problems, he would be told to cop the hell on and fast.

It's not simply that the issue is resolved, many women need to get all their emotional frustration out as well. Even with unconnected issues(which really melts guys heads; "hang on we were talking about X what the hell has Y got to do with anything??").

It does have advantages as a coping method. They talk through a problem with outside input far more than men, which throws up new avenues of options. Men tend t think through the problem on their own, usually looking for validation after they made the decision. They socialise the problem too. Externalising emotions and getting them out is better for stress than bottling it up long term. It also has disadvantages if the person over eggs it. They can come across like spoiled children who cry wolf. Men switch off when that happens. I know I have, or I've walked away until they pulled themselves together. OK they are generalisations but I found they hold pretty true.

I have learned when that happens, listen, shut the hell up and don't offer soultions and walk away. Let her talk through the problems, really listen and you may actually learn something. It irritates at times, but ot's one reason you're with her. She's a woman and a person, and has a diff angle on an issue. She gives you info you would normally miss. Listen to her. That would be my advise to any guy.

To women I would say, just because he doesn't get into the nitty gritty with you every time, let it go. Do NOT be like a dog at a bone. Step back, pick your battles and don't assume its either an attack on you or a reflection of your relationship. Sometimes what seems really emotionally important to you at the time actually isn't. That's one of the reasons you are with him. He's a man, with a different take on things. One of those things he brings is a sense of emotional perspective. If he acted like one of your girlfriends you would soon enough not fancy him at all, so be careful what you wish for, the next time you wish he was more sensitive.

My 2c anyhoo

Your posts are always gorgeous!! You should have a talk show, really. But do you mind if I ask you to clarify what you mean by a man tends to "socialize" his problems? Just trying to get a better hold on men! :rolleyes:

Also, it really is frustrating when you're trying to talk to a man about something that's bothering you, and he always feels the need to fix it, when all you want to do is vent!

Wibbs

Sorry that bit was meant to read women tend to socialise their problems more. they have a conference with mates. They'll do that to look for advice about a new guy in their life, the problems when they're with him and her mates will usually find out hes for the heave ho long before the bloke does. They basically rely on more people for a given situation emotionally and as an outlet. They're more consensus driven in general. How many blokes are píssed off when they hear their partner has told their mates about emotional coupley stuff. More than men do anyway. With their partners they (rightly) expect to continue that.

That's the bit I think the OP is missing and what lilminx feels shes missing at times with her fella. A sounding board as well as a solution provider. Now the guy shouldnt go overboard either. If he starts to act too much like their girlfriend, then she'll often lose interest with that. She has girlfriends, she doesnt need another one. She simply wants his opinion and ear and freedom to rant a bit, even if she well knows she's talking loopy for a while. Meet halfway basically. The freedom to be herself as it where. Men need the same too, just in slightly diff ways.

Carrigart Exile

Confused.com wrote: »

Hmm.. Where to start, well my b/f and I have what I think or thought to be a thoughtful loving relationship, we're very happy together, talk of the future, make each other laugh and for the best part are loving, kind and comfortable together with a wonderful sex life.. Sounds good... What's the problem? Well from time to time when I feel I need him most he's completely unavailable. Take last week, I had my bag snatched, nothing violent happened but I was a little freaked by the whole experience and to my mind, rightly so. I couldn't get him as he was working which wasn't his fault obviously, however I managed to contact my sister who works in the same building as him, she let him know what had happened and he text me! Text? Now am I over reacting or is that completely insufficient under the circumstances? I replied that I was hurt that that's all he could do, so he called and apologised, okay fine, but that was it, end of story, not another word mentioned, it was a case of, "yeh you're right I should have called.. Sorry" I don't want him to grovel, or beg forgiveness and I don't want to make a big deal of it, but if the roles were reversed I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure he was okay. Is this normal behaviour? I'll admit I hadnt been in a long term relationship for quite some time before this, but to me if the one you love is hurting, or scared or needs you a bloody text just don't cut it... This is one example, I do feel from time to time when I'm upset or worried about something he runs a mile, but I've put that down to men in general being uncomfortable around female emotion,,, maybe an unfair generalisation... Any feedback would be appreciated ..

so you pretended to be hurt to get attention, sorry OP but time to seriously grow up.

lilminx

Wibbs wrote: »

Sorry that bit was meant to read women tend to socialise their problems more. they have a conference with mates. They'll do that to look for advice about a new guy in their life, the problems when they're with him and her mates will usually find out hes for the heave ho long before the bloke does. They basically rely on more people for a given situation emotionally and as an outlet. They're more consensus driven in general. How many blokes are píssed off when they hear their partner has told their mates about emotional coupley stuff. More than men do anyway. With their partners they (rightly) expect to continue that.

That's the bit I think the OP is missing and what lilminx feels shes missing at times with her fella. A sounding board as well as a solution provider. Now the guy shouldnt go overboard either. If he starts to act too much like their girlfriend, then she'll often lose interest with that. She has girlfriends, she doesnt need another one. She simply wants his opinion and ear and freedom to rant a bit, even if she well knows she's talking loopy for a while. Meet halfway basically. The freedom to be herself as it where. Men need the same too, just in slightly diff ways.

well now you're my favourite person of the day! have to remember how you put that for my fella.. it's really hard to explain that when you're in the heat of a moment.

I hope that helps you too OP.

Thanks for that Wibbs

LegacyUser

Okay, where in my post did I say that I was pretending to be hurt to get attention? I WAS hurt, I still kinda am, in the course of my relationship I feel many emotions, joy, happiness, hurt, sadness, so forth and so on and that to me is what a relationship is, a good old fashioned mish mash of emotions.. I don't pretend to feel anything, my feelings are always real and geniune and I resent somebody telling me otherwise. I know in the great scheme of things this isn't the biggest deal in the world, but I used this forum for a little vent and yeh a little rant, to get things off my chest so to speak... It help you know!!
Thanks to everyone who replied, even the ones who cheesed me off

Pub07

Complete mountain out of a molehill. You gave your sister the full rundown on what happened to you and she obviously informed your boyfriend so he already knew what happened and he knew you were alright. It's not like there was an urgent need to call you, he probably figured that he'd be talking to you anyway later on so no need to call you there and then.

As for getting annoyed over his 'apology' not being enough, he called and said sorry what more did you expect from him. There is nothing more annoying for a guy than a women who will start an argument over an argument and who can't drop an issue once it's been talked through once.

useful_contacts

MagicMarker wrote: »

You're over reacting tbh...

I agree, you had you bag stolen(happened me before) and thats awful, but its not like you were in hospital or anything, he prob was not able to call from work, it would have been worse if he had just ignored it(not that he would) but he didnt, he contacted you in some way.

Id my bag stolen in a club once(was lucky i kept my phone in my back pocket) and i rang my bf crying asking him to call a cab home for me, ten minutes later a cab shows up and he is in it. Now he really didnt need to do that but it was very sweet. The fact is he was at home when i called and he was able to come over to me.

My point is your BF was in work, prob in the bosses eyeline, so he communicated with you the only way he could at the time.

Zillah

I think you're completely over-reacting. You sound like someone who's making a big deal of it just to get some attention. Yes, you had your bag stolen, that's unpleasant, but it's not like you were beaten and left in hospital or anything. And not only did he apoligise after you started complaining but you have the nerve to keep whining about it afterwards? Jesus.

milod

I dunno folks, I think Ms Confused is getting a hard time here for no good reason.

Quite simply, if my girlfriend had her bag snatched, I'd ring her and ask her was she ok, and would try to establish whether the bag was snatched from her hand (i.e. quite frightening no matter whether she was physically hurt or not) or whether it was lifted from under a table in a restaurant (i.e. not quite as frightening but upsetting nonetheless).

Either way, I'd be concerned enough to call and establish the facts. For example, is she ok for money?, did she lose her mobile, PDA, Diary, etc etc.

The real issue here the OP's boyfriends assumption that everything was ok and that a text was sufficient. Did he even know whether his g/f was still in possession of the mobile he was texting?

MagicMarker

milod wrote: »

I dunno folks, I think Ms Confused is getting a hard time here for no good reason.

Quite simply, if my girlfriend had her bag snatched, I'd ring her and ask her was she ok, and would try to establish whether the bag was snatched from her hand (i.e. quite frightening no matter whether she was physically hurt or not) or whether it was lifted from under a table in a restaurant (i.e. not quite as frightening but upsetting nonetheless).

Either way, I'd be concerned enough to call and establish the facts. For example, is she ok for money?, did she lose her mobile, PDA, Diary, etc etc.

The real issue here the OP's boyfriends assumption that everything was ok and that a text was sufficient. Did he even know whether his g/f was still in possession of the mobile he was texting?

No, the issue here is the OP unwilling to forget about it, her boyfriend apologised, that should be the end of it.

Wibbs

I take MM's point yes, he apologised. That's a good thing obviously and he was probably up to his danglies at work. All cool but.... apologies are nice but next to useless if nothing is learned from the reason for the apology or are used as a tool to get a quiet life.

There's no need for the guy to be pilloried for it, but he could have sorted this real easy, even if he had done exactly the same thing initially. She needed to feel valued for her emotions. Simple as. An apology on it's own can sometimes even make things worse madly enough. He acknowledged the wrong doing(which was minor enough). His mistake was to not acknowledge her feelings. Men and women in general do react differently with this stuff. Men will get equally píssed off if they're emotionally undervalued, but in a different way and to a less obvious degree.

If he learns that it's not always about the situation, but about his partners need to vent and get acknowledgment for her feelings as well as her practical situations, life will go much smoother for him and she will be happier. If you do this as a man, the woman you're with will feel emotionally safe with you, emotionally more open with you and simply be happier. If she's happier you'll be too. As a side bonus she'll jump your bones way more too.:D Result all around.

LegacyUser

Once again!! Thanks to everyone, and just to clarify, I am not banging on about it to him, I said my piece, he apologised, fine, I was merely wondering if anyone else would be a little, now not a life changing amount but a little upset at the flippancy of his attitude, he's not getting the silent treatment, his dinner isn't in the dog, we're tipping along as normal. Yeh there's a part of me that thinks i'm building this up too much in my head and expecting too much, but I only have my reactions to go on, and know how I would react towards him in a similar situation. That's all.. He's not being treated unfairly in fact the poor man is blissfully oblivious to my online rant.. Which lets face it is probably for the best!!