Feel trapped

LegacyUser

hi All,

I was basically looking for peoples opinion on the situation in which i find myself. I have been going out with a guy for the past year and in the beginning he was wonderful and i felt so lucky to have him! He has given me everything i have ever wanted...I have fabulous jewellery, a gorgeous car and he pays for everything when we are out and also helps me with my mortgage. I have an okay job and havent had to spend that much since i started going out with him! Lately i havent been feeling the same about him since we first met - to be honest i find myself looking at men and wishing i was with them instead! i am seriously having doubts about this guy! i feel like he is buying my love and he is no longer attractive to me anymore!

I am thinking of dumping him and I was just wondering about all the stuff he has bought for me - Am i obliged to pay this back - What about the car he bought me - would he be expecting this back now! i am worried also that as he has been helping me with my mortgage (although he doesnt live in the house) that he may lay a claim on it!

I really think if i could do things differently again that i wouldnt accept such gifts.
i feel like i am trapped in a relationship that i cant escape from! What should i do?? i am really down about this!!!

Overheal

I dont see anything in your post to suggest youve made any attempts to work out the problems in your relationship.

Teacherman

I think you should take legal advice on the Mortgage issue. He might have some claim. He sounds like Mr .Right. The grass is always greener ..

metrovelvet

If it was a gift then you owe him nothing.

Why do you feel trapped if you dont live with him? Do you feel obliged or beholden to him?

Have you become financially dependent on him?

cantdecide

He can only buy your love if you're selling it. You have to ask yourself at what point in the last 12 months did all the gifts start appearing and at what point doubts started creeping in. You shouldn't have accepted cars, jewellery and mortgage help from a man you had only briefly known.

You need legal advice, not personal advice. The personal advice you will most likely be given here is work on some character.

LegacyUser

yes they were all gifts but how do i prove that? there isnt much more to tell about my relationship only that he is the perfect boyfriend in reality but im not attracted to him anymore - not in the least! sex with him doesnt move me the way it used to - but im afraid that i owe him so much at this stage that he is goign to throw that back in my face!

I dont want to leave him and be in large debt because of everything he has done for me the past year!! i will definitely have to give the car back although i love it and it will break my heart!! -

There is this guy in work that is interested and i am so tempted but im not into cheating so i know i wont go there until i am finished with this guy! how do i do that though!! i feel like i have been bought!! its only now i realise i was so stupid to accept all these gifts!!

cantdecide

trapped124 wrote: »

yes they were all gifts but how do i prove that? there isnt much more to tell about my relationship only that he is the perfect boyfriend in reality but im not attracted to him anymore - not in the least! sex with him doesnt move me the way it used to - but im afraid that i owe him so much at this stage that he is goign to throw that back in my face!

I dont want to leave him and be in large debt because of everything he has done for me the past year!! i will definitely have to give the car back although i love it and it will break my heart!! -

There is this guy in work that is interested and i am so tempted but im not into cheating so i know i wont go there until i am finished with this guy! how do i do that though!! i feel like i have been bought!! its only now i realise i was so stupid to accept all these gifts!!

If he's well off (he sounds it), offer to give back what you can, don't suggest you reimburse him. Tell him you want to come to an arrangement. If he is a decent guy, he will probably set you free.

Don't humiliate him by running straight into the arms of a waiting man- if he felt that he had to buy your love, he's probably insecure enough as it is.

Terodil

OP -- tbh, from the description you gave initially it seems to me that you were mostly attracted to his gifts, not him as a person. If he is indeed an 'ideal bf' as you reiterate, then why don't you talk it over that you don't feel the same spark as in the beginning? There are numerous ways to spice up your sex life if that's all that's wrong at the moment.

I'm sorry to say, if you really were into his presents and then decide to dump him now that you are (relatively) care free and can pursue a pure romantic relationship, then you have been very dishonest with him and used him. The legal obligation to give presents back may not be there but in that case, you do have a moral obligation, IMO. At least you are thinking about it and not simply trying to wriggle your way out of it.

Then again, maybe you really loved *him* (as opposed to his presents). But if you did, even then you may feel the moral obligation to give at least a bit of it back. I think it would be the right choice.

EamonnKeane

trapped124 wrote: »

yes they were all gifts but how do i prove that? there isnt much more to tell about my relationship only that he is the perfect boyfriend in reality but im not attracted to him anymore - not in the least! sex with him doesnt move me the way it used to - but im afraid that i owe him so much at this stage that he is goign to throw that back in my face!

I dont want to leave him and be in large debt because of everything he has done for me the past year!! i will definitely have to give the car back although i love it and it will break my heart!! -

There is this guy in work that is interested and i am so tempted but im not into cheating so i know i wont go there until i am finished with this guy! how do i do that though!! i feel like i have been bought!! its only now i realise i was so stupid to accept all these gifts!!

Curious definition of "perfect" there. Interesting too that it breaks your heart to return a car, but you do not worry at any point about how he may feel if you leave him.

markesmith

EamonnKeane wrote: »

...Interesting too that it breaks your heart to return a car, but you do not worry at any point about how he may feel if you leave him.

QFT.

OP, you seem to be worried purely about the materialistic side of the relationship, as opposed to his feelings. It seems to me that you got involved with this man purely for financial benefits. And, I hate to say it, but that smacks 'Sugar Daddy' to me. Though some people would have another word for it...

LegacyUser

anyone else angry at this girl.....all men should prob stay well clear of you...who accepts a car off someone they do not know.
I know a lot of women like you.....taking taking takin, and gives the rest of them a bad name...

legally , the guy should say he gave you that stuff on a promise of marriage or something and now that you are going to break the contract he is entitled to it all back....
ANd a judge will see it that way - from my experience.

TripleAce

I find women like OP disgusting.

markesmith

While I realise you're in a bit of a bind now, OP, it'd do you good to take a bit of time out (from men) so you don't end up doing this again.

Your fella obviously likes you a lot - car, jewelry, gifts, mortgage payments etc. - and you were happy to go along with the ride. Now you want out, and say you feel 'trapped'.

It's a golden cage if you ask me, but you're really not doing right by him.

My €0.02.

jim o doom

The only legal implication I can think of is Tax based - if he gave you a gift, even money to help you with your mortgage - he has no right to it back, to the best of my knowledge. However there is a tax limit of 26,060 for a non-family relationship - i.e. boyfriend to girlfriend. If what he has given you is in excess of that amount, you should have declared it to revenue and been taxed on the amount over 26,060 - so if it's over that, and he is REALLY ticked off at you, he could report you to revenue, but if you handle it nicely, he might just let you off, lesson learned. I would maybe offer to give back the car, as you might seem like a gold digger if you did not; he may not accept it back, but of course this is entirely up to you.

happyoutscan

I have been warned

Wagon

Why the hell did he buy you a car?! He sounds nice but still, bit much alright. More to the point, why did you accept it? and why is the prospect of giving it back breaking your heart, rather than hurting your boyfriend?....Yeah, love the broadminded outlook you have...Offer him the car back, and he can stop paying your mortgage. Problem solved.

Curlypinkie

OP, grow up. Break up with this man, he deserves much better.
It's disgusting what some girls get away with and I'm embarrased that there still are girls like you.

Pay him back as much as you can and give him back everything he has given you. Then start from a clean slate and maybe then you can try to sort your head and your life out.

Sorry to be blunt but I couldn't find any other way to say it. Actually my blood boiled when I read OP's first post.:mad:

LolaLuv

Curlypinkie wrote: »

OP, grow up. Break up with this man, he deserves much better.
It's disgusting what some girls get away with and I'm embarrased that there still are girls like you.

Pay him back as much as you can and give him back everything he has given you. Then start from a clean slate and maybe then you can try to sort your head and your life out.

Sorry to be blunt but I couldn't find any other way to say it. Actually my blood boiled when I read OP's first post.:mad:

QFT. I can't believe there are women in this day and age who think it's appropriate to use a man as a source of income. It's just as bad as men who use women only for sex. Treating a person as a commodity when you KNOW they have feelings involved is just the lowest of the low. Sadly, based on what others are saying you won't have to pay anything back, and you therefore won't grow and learn to pay your OWN bills and take care of your OWN transportation needs.

I feel bad for your boyfriend, all right. He's out a lot of money, which he can always earn again, I suppose, but his dignity is likely gone for good.

LolaLuv

trapped124 wrote: »

He has given me everything i have ever wanted...I have fabulous jewellery, a gorgeous car and he pays for everything when we are out and also helps me with my mortgage.

I needed to point out how ridiculous and truly sickening this is. All you've ever wanted is jewelry, a car, and for someone to pay for everything? How about love, a true intimate connection, the ability to share every part of yourself with someone? I don't know who or what taught you that all you should be after are material items, but I genuinely feel bad for you.

TripleAce

Maybe OP should turn into prostitution to pay him back? Not much different of what she has done up until now anyway.....

lilminx

markesmith wrote: »

QFT.

OP, you seem to be worried purely about the materialistic side of the relationship, as opposed to his feelings. It seems to me that you got involved with this man purely for financial benefits. And, I hate to say it, but that smacks 'Sugar Daddy' to me. Though some people would have another word for it...

QFT +1

OP I agree with all the posters here. I wonder what age you are and what you define as a perfect relationship. It seems to me that all you are interested in is what gifts your 'ideal boyfriend' can give you and as suggested by other posters - the first sign of a bit of trouble you run scared and off into the arms of another.

It seems that you are not prepared to go through a bad patch and work on the existing relationship and the only thing your worried about is if you get to keep the 'gifts' or will you be better off (in the monetary sense) staying in the relationship. Do this guy a favour and let him move on to someone who can appreciate him for who he is - not what he can give them.

You had me at 'it would break my heart to give the car back'... how selfish and demeaning for this guy. I grrr'd.

Pub07

Tbh, yer man sounds like a total twat, no wonder you're no longer attracted to him. Buying someone a car and paying their mortgage when you are going out with them 1 year makes him a total loser. You shouldn't have taken the gifts but he is equally to blame for giving them to you in the first place, did he think he was dealing with a whore or something trying to buy you off like that. Anyway, just tell him you no longer want to go out with him. And although it was a gift, I think you should ask him if he wants the car back.

metrovelvet

You should give him back the car. If he doesnt want it, then you should sell it and give him the money that you sell it for.

You are doing both of you a disservice with this charade, and yes ****ing for money is prostitution.

You end it by ending it and handing over the keys with a full tank of petrol and a recent service document, and a letter of apology.

cantdecide

metrovelvet wrote: »

You end it by ending it and handing over the keys with a full tank of petrol and a recent service document, and a letter of apology.

Gotta keep that FSH together:p

Wibbs

OK folks let's ease up on the money for services rendered stuff and keep on topic.

Cheeky Chick

If hes so great why not try work things out and get the spark back that ye had when u first met! How do u know this guy from work is going to be any better, u could find ureself on ur own and very lonely but for this fellas sake i'd leave him ur not being true to him and no one deserves to be treated like that.

LegacyUser

i think you should go easy on this girl. OP it sounds like you accepted these gifts because you thought he was being kind but now when you look around you realise how much he has bought you and it seems a bit creepy would i be right?

Peewee_lane

OP,

sounds to me like you dont want the fairytale and want the unknown. Are you the type of person that when things are good, they have to destroy them? Just asking....

What happens if the guy in work is only interested for a month? What will you do then?

Are you acting, because why doesnt this guy realise things arnt good.

Is he ugly? Fat? Whats turning you off exactly?

Peewee_lane

Unregistered wrote: »

i think you should go easy on this girl. OP it sounds like you accepted these gifts because you thought he was being kind but now when you look around you realise how much he has bought you and it seems a bit creepy would i be right?

Thats not fair, some men like to be providers. I was with a guy that wouldnt give a euro without justifying it somehow, now my current boyf just likes to be the provider, of course not of everything, but its a masculinity thing?

Wibbs

It's all too often a control thing too. Indeed the men I know that pay for everything expect much in return. They also need the ego boost a lot of the time which can also be an issue. If you feel ok with abdicating much of the financial responsibility in a relationship then fine, but it's easy to get caught in that down the line.

TripleAce

Peewee_lane wrote: »

What happens if the guy in work is only interested for a month? What will you do then?

Also, what happens if the guy in work runs out of money?

Boom Boom

I can understand some people venting their anger here based on what the OP has written. But, none the less this does not help her.


OP, you should defo talk to him and not in a pub or anything in private at his home or yours.

The guy in work - crush crap, it's the naughty devil on your shoulder that thinks this is a good idea. It's the "what if" syndrome. So forget about it altogether.

It appears you may have lost sight, as to what first attracted you to him, through all the presents. you need to find that again and see if that sparkle is still there. Then also explain about your financial reliance on him that you are going to start paying your own mortgage, but that you appreciate what he has done for you.

If you are going to see this through and work on it then maybe the money he is spending on expensive gifts be put into a bank account to build a future together down the line.

If in 5 years time there is a family on the way or a new house cars, bags and jewellry wont pay for it.

OR

Theory No.2

He buys you all these fancy gifts because he has a guilty conscience and he is roydin someone else on the side, the hound, :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

(sorry theory number 2 came into me head so i had to put it down:D:D)

lee_arama

metrovelvet wrote: »

If it was a gift then you owe him nothing.

Why do you feel trapped if you dont live with him? Do you feel obliged or beholden to him?

Have you become financially dependent on him?

If his help/car buying/mortgage support is viewed by him as being something being done to build for the future then he has every right to it back if you break it off.

In fact I'd imagine he'd drag you to court for every penny and how could you be seen as anything other than a gold-digger by trying to hold onto it?

I'm both proud and ashamed to say that my OH gave me some financial assistance recently when I needed it but all she said was that it didn't matter seeing as how we're in it for the long haul... Which we are.

You sound like a nasty person OP...

LegacyUser

lee_arama wrote: »

You sound like a nasty person OP...

OP you dont sound like a bad person it sounds like you accepted these gifts individually but when he bought you the car you thought to yourself 'hold why is he buying so much......?'

Unless he is very rich these sound like a lot of things to buy someone he must be needy or insecure.

You should probably give him these back whether you want to stay with him or not. Otherwise the relationship is lopsided because you under a compliment to him. Any time you are in an argument with him you would feel guilty