Differing sex drives

Mary Harney

Hi I am a regular user but created a new name to remain anon. Basically I am with my partner for seven months, I have a high sex drive and he has a much lower sex drive. I am much more open sexually but have my insecurities, he is quite closed but can be open if he lets go, but is also insecure. I am often dissapointed by the lack of sex and as each week passes, it is declining. When we were dating we had sex about 4-6 times a week, which for me was fantastic. He is an amazing lover when he lets go, he is very beautiful, I love and deeply desire him. I crave him physically but he loves just being in my company. We now have sex about once a week, I feel lonely, unloved and isolated, I also feel scared and confused because I fear that our love life will die away and I cannot live in a sexless relationship. I keep trying to balance how good the rest of our relationship is but the self talk is not working. I keep thinking about the lack we have. When we make love it is amazing but lately my resentment is eating away, I have tried talking several times but he gets very defensive, he has said I treat him like a **** machine, do I want a ****ing every night, that I am over sexual and think about it too much, why can't I let things happen naturally and that I am affected by my past.

I was sexually abused, I have had a lot of therapy and whilst I will never get over it, I am in a better place now. I was single for a long time, worked on myself and I feel this is the first loving relationship I have ever had. My partner whilst defensive also is aware of my past and is supportive too, but he believes that it (the abuse) has made me over sexual and that I focus on it too much. To be honest I don't know, I do have intimacy issues, I have created my identity from my sexuality, I treated myself as an object and sometimes after sex I do feel angry, alone, and isolated. I have in the past (and do with my partner) act very needy and no matter what my partner/ past people say, nothing can fill the emptiness. My partner does show love but not in the way I want or expect.

On his side he is also afraid of intimacy. Prior to moving in together I suggested tantra, because for me it has worked miracles, I feel I can be a lot more intimate and I am a lot more open sexually now, in a what I percieve to be a healthy way. He has opened up a lot with me, prior to meeting me he was in a very long term relationship, they had no sex for years and this deeply troubles me because I fear he will do this with me. I also cannot fathom how he can go for years without sex. He does not self pleasure and one time I did in front of him but he was horrified, because I orgasmed myself, he felt 1) a voyeur and 2) made to feel useless. I was deeply embarressed and sad. I masturbate alone and in secret because I feel so sexually frustrated but I feel **** inside because my partner is downstairs and I want him with me. He says he finds me attractive and sexy but I don't feel it. It is very, very rare if he ravishes me, you know how it is, and the last time he did I became uptight and he felt he didn't know what to do. We don't experiement so it is becoming boring. He picks up my dissapointment and I have told him I'd like more intimacy, I don't mean just penetration but the whole thing. At first he was uncomfortable with recieving oral sex but now enjoys it, I often give him massages, but even now he is too tired to receive a massage. I feel every time I try to bridge the gap between us sexually, he has some foilproof reason not to allow it to happen. Lately though in his sleep he touches me and brings me off by hand, and I feel so starved of affection that I take it with both hands, I always get very turned on by my partner because I love him so much, but afterwards I feel so empty inside. I feel extremely confused, I don't know what to do, I can't stop thinking about this issue and I feel it clouds the rest of our relationship. My partner asked my why can't I be more natural around sex? And why do I make the bed the centre of things? I don't know, I don't know if he is right or I am right, I just know I have a problem, I feel confused, angry, rejected and dissatisfied and it is showing in my behaviour and it is affecting the harmony between us. Aside from this issue our relationship is brilliant.

Peewee_lane

I dont have a high sex drive and I feel really guilty because of this, but Im willing to work on it with my partner because i love him and i realise he has needs too and relationships arnt one sided.

So, my advice hunny would be to sit down with him and have a chat. If he loves you, he will want to make you happy and perhaps go to a counsellor or something. If he doesnt do sex, what about hugs and cuddles? I dont want sex alot of the time, but I am very physical with him and kiss and hug him ten times a day.

TerrorFirmer

Perhaps the crux of the issue lies in the user name....

Just kidding. Judging on what most people consider 'problems' in the area of sexual intimacy, once a week is not exactly what I would consider a major problem. Sure, I'm sure there are people getting more but also those getting far less - I'm not saying that you should suddenly say accept that as an answer to your problem but do try to keep it in mind, you're not exactly experiencing a sexual drought! Furthermore the issues presented here are a deep rooted problem equally shared between partners, not solely your conventional 'differing sex drive' problem. There is evidence of a severe emotional imbalance on your part to be honest - lack of sex makes you feel unloved, lonely and isolated? That's not right, and those feelings should not be inherently linked to a lack of sex - especially not when everything else is relatively OK and you are actually both having and enjoying sexual intimacy once a week. I'm not a psychiatrist; I can't analyze your past but I think it's safe to say it could potentially have a bearing on your current situation. Given the context in which the problem lies, a counselor might be a better idea. It's a serious issue and to be honest anyone here is merely reading a synopsis of three paragraphs - I doubt it does your relationship and circumstance justice. The simplest way of putting is that if your partner loves you he will listen - and equally if you love him you will listen to his side and realize there's clearly issues on both sides of the fence here.

LegacyUser

Your relationship sounds to be a bit of a tricky one with both yer pass coming into play.

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months now and we both seem to have developed a high sex drive, but we were never like this before. On discussing it with each other we feel that it is because of the level of communicate that is there between us is what has caused it, we have no problem in telling each other what we like in bed and what we dont like, we dont see each other every day but we constantly talk to each other, he is my best friend and the first person i would ring even if it was a girly problem.

But communication is the key to our relationship.

If your not comfortable talking about sex with your partner, or he cant talk about it without getting mad or fustrated with you then may i suggest you go and see a therapist together. You will need to be able to communicate with each other on the same level. He obviously has some issues relating to sex and needs to explore them better especially if he was horrified at your pleasuring yourself.

Go shopping together, go buy sexy lingerie, go away for a weekend, plan a romantic dinner, go on a first date again but make sure you both are communicating about everything.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Unregistered wrote: »

. He obviously has some issues relating to sex and needs to explore them better especially if he was horrified at your pleasuring yourself.

I think he was just horrified by the idea that she needed more than what he can offer.

OP, when you were dating and having sex 4-6 times a week who initiated it? I'm assuming you did some of the time but how often did he?

evil-monkey

Mary Harney wrote: »

Hi I am a regular user but created a new name to remain anon.

You can post anonymously on this thread. Just create a topic without logging in and it appears as anon, me thinks...

Mary Harney wrote: »

BWhen we were dating we had sex about 4-6 times a week, which for me was fantastic.

We now have sex about once a week, I feel lonely, unloved and isolated, I also feel scared and confused because I fear that our love life will die away and I cannot live in a sexless relationship.

There is nothing odd about sex once a week - damn, I'd be delighted with sex once a week!! It may not be enough for you, but there are alternatives to sex

Realistically, 4 - 6 times a week?? I may be speaking for myself here, but sex that many times every week would put me in an early grave from exhaustion. I certainly couldn't manage it, but there are probably bigger men than me out there...

If you want more sex, talk to your boyfriend. But remember that you have to be realistic. We'd all love a great sex life, but a stable relationship is far more important. It's good to find a balance, but it's not always easy, most of the time impossible. Just be happy that your problem is not the other way around; it'd be a lot worse if all he wanted was sex and wasn't interested in you.

Wibbs

First off I'm glad the proactive steps you've taken and your hard work to this point helped you someway move forward from your past. That can't have been easy and still isnt.

These are the bits that stick out for me;

My partner whilst defensive

In what way is he defensive?

also is aware of my past and is supportive too, but he believes that it (the abuse) has made me over sexual and that I focus on it too much.

Is it just with this he's defensive?

To be honest I don't know, I do have intimacy issues, I have created my identity from my sexuality, I treated myself as an object and sometimes after sex I do feel angry, alone, and isolated.

That seems to be a common response to abuse in the men and women I've known who have gone through it. Understandable too. I suppose if you push the sexual part, the intimacy part can be ignored in a way? Separated in your head, as intimacy including sex, especially sex heavy on the pash/"dirty" sex could be difficult. I dunno.

I have in the past (and do with my partner) act very needy and no matter what my partner/ past people say, nothing can fill the emptiness.

They never can either. Course you know that already(I hear "well duuuuh! in the background:)). It comes from within. Now of course no man or woman is an island and external environment does have a big part to play in whether one is insecure or not. With people too, the more you push the more they'll pull away frustrated at the pushing and that they can't help. I think men are worse that way too. They look for hard and fast solutions and if they cant find any get even more frustrated.

My partner does show love but not in the way I want or expect.

What do you want and expect(beyond the sex)? Are they realistic wants and expectations, if you know what I mean? Can he ever show you love that way? We all tend to look at what we don't think we have than what we actually have. As you said you look at the lack of things. I do think you need to, but how much have you discussed this with him?

As for the sex and frequency of it. I would have a high enough sex drive and 5/6 times a week I would prefer in a long termer. I also realised in the past that not all men or women are like that(I'd say more women are actually). Compromise had to be reached. I knew that going for them sporting a third leg was putting pressure on them, which was never conducive to sexy time and intimacy. Hence him sometimes feeling like a life support system for a knob. That's putting pressure on him too.

I do agree that him not having sex for years in a previous relationship raises some red flags. Though not always. I've known people that had little in one relationship, go on to break records in the next. I've also known people who went the other way too and were equally happy. There's also the thing that some people are simply not as sexual as others. Regardless of life experience. Not everyone is a five a nighter. We tend to view others through the prism of our own needs. I would say there are far more once a week types in long termers than once a day types.

I think it boils down to engaging with him and getting across to him your worries for the future.

Nevyn

Sounds like you put a lot of working understanding and healing yourself and he has not looks at himself and his issues in as much detail.

I would be worried that he is putting all the 'blame' on things in the relationship on you and your issues and your past rather then acknowledging he has some work of his own to do so that you can work at the relationship together.

Mary Harney

QUOTE]So, my advice hunny would be to sit down with him and have a chat. If he loves you, he will want to make you happy and perhaps go to a counsellor or something. If he doesnt do sex, what about hugs and cuddles? I dont want sex alot of the time, but I am very physical with him and kiss and hug him ten times a day. [/QUOTE]

In fairness peewee lane my partner is affectionate and does hug me to reassure me, I know that part of the problem is with me as well. So I cannot fault him there.

Furthermore the issues presented here are a deep rooted problem equally shared between partners, not solely your conventional 'differing sex drive' problem. There is evidence of a severe emotional imbalance on your part to be honest - lack of sex makes you feel unloved, lonely and isolated? That's not right, and those feelings should not be inherently linked to a lack of sex - especially not when everything else is relatively OK and you are actually both having and enjoying sexual intimacy once a week. I'm not a psychiatrist; I can't analyze your past but I think it's safe to say it could potentially have a bearing on your current situation. Given the context in which the problem lies, a counselor might be a better idea.

Terrorfirmer, I am aware that part of the problem lies with me, and you raise some good points, and I often give myself the same type of self talk that you mention above. I have had extensive counselling, I try to be mature in the relationship, and I have discussed with my partner my issues. I personally have a problem with sex once a week, yes you are right, there are people far worse off, but it is problem for me. Maybe I am a sad sex starved woman but I cannot reconcile myself to it at the moment.

Go shopping together, go buy sexy lingerie, go away for a weekend, plan a romantic dinner, go on a first date again but make sure you both are communicating about everything.

Lovely idea unreg, and I appreciate what you say, I have talked with my partner, but he gets so angry and defensive that I back off. However, at times he acknowledges that he has a problem but I don't see any improvement. Buying sexy lingerie is a waste of time, he sees porn or women being overtly sexual as being demeaning. He is aware that he is out of loop with most people's thinking, and I guess that is fair enough.

OP, when you were dating and having sex 4-6 times a week who initiated it? I'm assuming you did some of the time but how often did he?

We both initiated it, to be honest the minute he saw me he couldn't wait to have sex with me, it was fantastic whereas now I initiate sex, a lot of the time I am rejected, and have to wait until he is not tired and we both then initate it. He is aware that I will not say no, so the control is mainly in his hands, and to be honest I have a problem with this. He had sympathised with me when he said I am aware that as I am so tired that it is largely in my control.

There is nothing odd about sex once a week - damn, I'd be delighted with sex once a week!! It may not be enough for you, but there are alternatives to sex

Like what? That comment to me was not helpful. When I talk of sex I don't include penetration, I mean both oral, hand etc, to me they are all forms of sex. So when I say sex once a week, I mean the whole gambit. I have talked with my boyfriend, and yes he thinks I want too much sex, I am content enough to accept some form of sex (as stated above) twice a week. It is not ideal, but I am happy enough to accept that.

In what way is he defensive?

Hi Wibbs, basically I am not the best at communicating, I hold my hands up there, however, I also (according to my partner) have the ability to sulk silently, very loudly, without saying a word. So he picks up on that. So he will ask me am I okay, what is going on and then I will say I am sad or dissapointed we are not making love as often as we used to, and then he gets angry. He feels I am pulling him down and because he gets tired (due to illnesses, etc) he feels under pressure. I try to keep saying that to myself, but for some reason I am not buying it with him. When you asked is just with my past is he defensive, well no, in pretty much a lot of our communication, I will talk about something and he will say I am tired, or its not the right time. Yet I will press on with the issue because I feel it is essential, I don't want to hide from him, when he thinks things over he deeply appreciates me pushing things and keeping things open but I get tired and overwhelmed, and to be honest when it comes to sex, I have major hang ups. I am not saying it is all down to him, but I am doing my best, maybe he is doing his best too, but something does not feel right me for me at this time.

Now of course no man or woman is an island and external environment does have a big part to play in whether one is insecure or not. With people too, the more you push the more they'll pull away frustrated at the pushing and that they can't help. I think men are worse that way too. They look for hard and fast solutions and if they cant find any get even more frustrated

Thank you, I am aware that I may be doing this with my partner, and I would dearly love to stop and just fricking relax, he has said as much. He genuinly loves me, issues and all, he has said he is there with me for the long haul and in one sense i believe him, but I have not been loved before and it terrifies me so I also feel that I sometimes push him away. Also in relation to frequeny, I guess what is freaking me out is that it is declining by the week, I can accept love making twice a week, it is not ideal, but I would be willing to go with that, but now it is once a week and I fear it will go lower than that. My partner has been honest with me all along, when he said he gets very tired and often physically weak, that he has a lower drive and that sex is not that important to him. He was also aware that it was much more important for me. I guess that is where we are at, we have talked but I do realise I need to talk some more. I don't want to make him feel bad or immasculated. I have often overpowered men sexually and have been off putting in the past, and I dont want to do that with my partner. Sounds like you put a lot of working understanding and healing yourself and he has not looks at himself and his issues in as much detail.

I would be worried that he is putting all the 'blame' on things in the relationship on you and your issues and your past rather then acknowledging he has some work of his own to do so that you can work at the relationship together

In a sense you are right, but he does come back and say that he too has a problem, my difficulty is that I don't see any change on that.

Nehaxak

I've never known of a bloke that never masturbates :eek:
Anyway, only things I could suggest are the following...

1) Self made erotic stories, individual (you or him) making up a story leading up too or during sex, to improve sexual excitement between you both or both of you together making it up, getting some feedback and input. Honestly it can help.

2) Role play - Google around a bit for idea's but Nancy the naughty nurse or Sally the sexy secretary would be good starters (please don't google those names in case something weird comes up, I just made them up now).

3) Time to yourselves, you and him time and nobody else. From reading what you wrote, it sounds as if he's tired or even depressed. Maybe look to do some more together, even if it is just walks on a beach or walking the dog in the evenings. Anything just so the two of you get some time together to help spark some romance between you both again. Fresh air helps a lot so sitting in-front of the TV together in the evenings or at weekends isn't the best option.

4) Experiment and try to excite him, try find out what gets him going. A walk together in the woods with a short skirt on, whoops I seem to have dropped my handbag while I was walking in front of you, oh look I also seem to have forgot to wear knickers today... You know what I mean...

5) Get a good Porn film - Whatever takes *both* of you fancies, no need to go ino it much more than that but it's worth a try.
Not being funny here but you might also want to accidentally put some gay porn on and see if he gets all excited, just a thought.


To be honest, there's only so much you can do as a relationship requires both people to at least try meet the others needs so don't cut yourself up too much over it all. If he won't budge or make an effort to improve things even after you've tried all at your disposal, well then maybe it's time to move on with your life elsewhere, sad as it might seem to you now to think that way.

Mary Harney

1) Self made erotic stories, individual (you or him) making up a story leading up too or during sex, to improve sexual excitement between you both or both of you together making it up, getting some feedback and input. Honestly it can help.

Nice idea and I have tried that, he does not like it
2) Role play - Google around a bit for idea's but Nancy the naughty nurse or Sally the sexy secretary would be good starters (please don't google those names in case something weird comes up, I just made them up now).
I suggested this, he also does not like it

3) Time to yourselves, you and him time and nobody else. From reading what you wrote, it sounds as if he's tired or even depressed. Maybe look to do some more together, even if it is just walks on a beach or walking the dog in the evenings. Anything just so the two of you get some time together to help spark some romance between you both again. Fresh air helps a lot so sitting in-front of the TV together in the evenings or at weekends isn't the best option.

We do take nature walks, and it is one aspect of our relationship that is fantastic, as I said when he lets himself go, he is amazing and our best moments have been in nature (however, it is usually when I am not trying, the whole skirt thing won't work). I should add he suffers from depression and is on medication for it, he has come off one lot of tablets due to improvements, but is on another mild dose, he also suffers from insomnia and is on sleeping tablets for that. Apart from our weekend walks, he gets no other exercise, I love walking and do yoga five times a week to keep me going, I also suffer from depression and know how crucial exercise is for it. I am not on medication.

4) Experiment and try to excite him, try find out what gets him going. A walk together in the woods with a short skirt on, whoops I seem to have dropped my handbag while I was walking in front of you, oh look I also seem to have forgot to wear knickers today... You know what I mean...

5) Get a good Porn film - Whatever takes *both* of you fancies, no need to go ino it much more than that but it's worth a try.
Not being funny here but you might also want to accidentally put some gay porn on and see if he gets all excited, just a thought.

He hates porn

To be honest, there's only so much you can do as a relationship requires both people to at least try meet the others needs so don't cut yourself up too much over it all. If he won't budge or make an effort to improve things even after you've tried all at your disposal, well then maybe it's time to move on with your life elsewhere, sad as it might seem to you now to think that way.

I am hoping that he can open up, I will have to wait and see, but if there is no improvement long term, I just don't know

Nehaxak

Mary Harney wrote: »

I am hoping that he can open up, I will have to wait and see, but if there is no improvement long term, I just don't know

Really sounds like it's nothing to do with you at all and he needs a lot of help and support. It's up to you though whether you can give and keep on giving that. It can be a thankless task for a long time until he eventually beats whatever it is that's getting him depressed and comes around and out of it.

If you have a bit of cash between you both and you both can do it, I'd suggest the two of you feck off for a couple of months travelling around together. Leave everything behind an just enjoy life outside of where you are and away from it all for a while. Might inspire you both a bit more.

alices_wonder

Oh my when I first started going out with my boyfriend we were at it 6-8 times a week and now that we've settled a while abt. 9mths we're down to 3/4 times a week and i've been rather sulky over this and annoyed. Now i feel like an idiot.
Sex can be the greatest thing in the world and the worst, when its shared and desired by both its incredible when its not its an absolute torture. Maybe your partner just expresses his love for you in different ways.
When I was getting frustrated over what I precieved to be a lack of sexual attention i started using vibrators and pleauring myself, there is no shame in it. If it keeps you happy together and de-stressed then go for it.

I do really think you need to talk to him though....

Curvy Vixen

I should add he suffers from depression and is on medication for it, he has come off one lot of tablets due to improvements, but is on another mild dose, he also suffers from insomnia and is on sleeping tablets for that.

Think you may have answered your own quesions with this information OP. Anti-depressants and sleeping tablets can absolutely cause a lack/loss of libido. Has he been on them for long?

alices_wonder

Thanks Curvy Vixen, i didn't read that part.
Yep i've a few friends on anti-depressants and they're drive just disappears....why don't you go with him to talk to his GP about it

Mary Harney

Think you may have answered your own quesions with this information OP. Anti-depressants and sleeping tablets can absolutely cause a lack/loss of libido. Has he been on them for long?

Thanks for that, you are probably right, it is just he has always been on sleeping tablets for years and when we first met he was on two lots of anti-depressants, he has come of one lot that has been managed by his doctor. The other lot are mild and he was using them for years. I do accept that his health is a big contributing factor, but for me it is also the lack of intimacy as well. We have nice platonic kisses, occasionally great ones. There is a distinct lack of touching and that is the bit that really gets to me, you don't need an erection for that. I accept he has a lot of problems, I knew it from the beginning, but he was always affectionate and intimate until we moved in together and it is getting worse by the week. I have decided to work up the courage and find a middle ground for us both. I need to have physical contact (not penetration) but contact and there is too little of that at the moment. I don't want to pressure him but I am feeling depressed about this now, and I know I will grow more and more resentful and those feelings will erode into our relationship, already I feel my confidence dipping big time.