Lies about online liaisons

LegacyUser

I was joining a soc network site a few months ago and found my OH listed as single and looking for "online fun" (profile was created in the 1st month of us being together and last updated a few days before I saw this). I confronted him, he said I was being paranoid, it was a social experiment to funnel web traffic and didn't remember setting it up (at the time when we got together he had a class a drug prob that I was unaware of until a year into our relationship, so that was a plausible excuse).

Then I typed in that username into google and there he is everywhere! Dating sites, soc sites, all either inviting or implying he's webcam available. Confront him again and get pretty much the same response. "Paranoid, just online experiments" and he explicitly promises that he wasn't pursuing anyone. I explain that it's OK and maybe we can use this, trying to find the positive in this situation. He's adamant that it was just from the 1st few months of our relationship and says that he'd never got lucky online. At this point I felt sorry for him (imagine not being able to get lucky online!) and give him sympathetic hugs, etc.

On his PC then last week, I find that he was seeing a girl online for the last 3 yrs (behind his ex's back when he was with her and mine for the 1st few months of our relationship - correspondence dates being the only truth I can get here). I confronted him again and now I have the truth (which I still don't trust)- he was having online flings until 6 months ago but stopped seeing the long-term gal a few months into the relationship with me. "If it makes you feel any better, I was cheating on her (online girl) with you." BUT he was using the sites (he won't go into the details and I'm so confused I don't know what I need to know anymore. What can I believe from him? What are his morals? Do I go by prior actions if I can't be 100% sure of his words? I'm trying to trust him but, I don't think I know him. I'm more hurt by the lies and how he had made me feel when I used to question him ("Why's that girl referring to your package on myspace?).

He says he didn't want to hurt me by telling me (I think it's better to not do something in the 1st place). I'm so f-ing confused!

Can someone change without making amends off their own back?
Is online stuff just online?
How do I get to know the real him without focusing on all the f ups in the last 18 months?

He's off the coke, off the Internet stuff, still doing the joints daily but cutting back on the e nights (averages to every other week now) and pretty much on his own over the last 2 yrs. So, (my theory) he has an addictive personality. How much of the lying is personality here (do YOU think) and how much a reaction to all the above changes in 2 years? Should I cut him some slack? It can't have been easy to realise where he was making mistakes and change his habits/behaviours.

Overheal

As AOL would say: "Goodbye"

Antilles

Umm... if you are with two girls and neither knows about the other, you are not cheating on one, you are cheating on both. Dude cheated on you, OP, and his behaviour has obviously not changed. Get out now and don't waste any more of your time with this loser.

MizzLolly

Ouch OP, he's lying through his teeth. How can you not see that?

He lied and hid his drug problem, he lied and said he couldn't remember setting up the accounts (when you've seen them yourself having just been updated), he lied when you confronted him for a second time etc..

Of course you shouldn't ''cut him some slack''. You wouldn't be asking here if you really believed that's the right thing to do. Leave and count your lucky stars you found him out! :eek:

Darragh29

If your dealing with a coke head, forget it, that's my 2 cents worth... Once a coke head, always a coke head.

Overheal

Darragh29 wrote: »

If your dealing with a coke head, forget it, that's my 2 cents worth... Once a coke head, always a coke head.

Its not just the coke, its the entire personality. A habitual liar and a serious philanderer.

Get yourself STD tested OP.

Darragh29

Overheal wrote: »

Its not just the coke, its the entire personality. A habitual liar and a serious philanderer.

Get yourself STD tested OP.

Yeah but he is on drugs and clearly out of control. I'm just passing on my experience here, unfortunely someone working for me in the past was a coke head and took me down to the school of hard knocks for a lesson. My advice, if coke or other such drugs are involved, run a fu*king mile... I hear what you are saying, that it's not the drugs, I wouldn't get too caught up on the academics of the issue, if coke is involved, get out of the situation ASAP and don't ever look back... These people are on a self destruct mission, they won't stop until their life is in the gutter... It's up to you if you accept that you are going to be in the gutter with them...

Curlypinkie

I would never be able to be together with a person I do not trust. Get out of this relationship now or it WILL destroy who you are.

Oryx

Every time you catch him out, he feeds you some lousy excuse, and you take it. As MizzLolly says, he is lying through his teeth. Just as much as he needs to lie in order to keep you. The more you find out, the more his story stretches to fit.

He sounds like an absolute piece of sh!t who is taking advantage of your good and trusting nature.

Can someone change without making amends off their own back?

I doubt he has. Hes just telling you he has to keep you sweet.

Is online stuff just online?

For some maybe. But for god's sake dont allow it to continue cos hes convinced you its not 'real'. How real do you need it to be? Hes most likely tossing off on a webcam with women. Thats pretty darn real to me. Inside his head, at least, hes cheating big style.

How do I get to know the real him without focusing on all the f ups in the last 18 months?

You will never get to know the real him unless he wants you too, and unless both of you are willing to focus really hard on the last 18 months, instead of ignoring it. Give him a hard bloody time. He deserves it. I actually feel like you should run a mile, but all I have is your post above, so.... all Im saying is trust yourself, your gut instinct about him, a lot more than you trust him right now.

Bottle_of_Smoke

With everyone else, get out.

If you want to find out if he's doing stuff offline make a fake profile on one of these sites, get a reasonably attractive photo from the internet and list yourself as "looking for fun". If he contacts you progress it to the point of meeting up and see what happens.

TheZohanS

Darragh29 wrote: »

If your dealing with a coke head, forget it, that's my 2 cents worth... Once a coke head, always a coke head.

I'm afraid I am going to have to disagree with you on that one. A very good friend of mine was a serious coke head.

He kicked the habit 2 years ago and hasn't touched any drug since. Himself and some ex-coke addicts now provide lectures to those thinking of quitting.

evil-monkey

Overheal wrote: »

As AOL would say: "Goodbye"

Antilles wrote: »

Get out now and don't waste any more of your time with this loser.

MizzLolly wrote: »

he's lying through his teeth.

Leave and count your lucky stars you found him out! :eek:

Darragh29 wrote: »

Once a coke head, always a coke head.

Overheal wrote: »

Get yourself STD tested OP.

Curlypinkie wrote: »

. Get out of this relationship now or it WILL destroy who you are.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

With everyone else, get out.

+1 to all of the above

I think you get my point...

Darragh29

TheZohan wrote: »

I'm afraid I am going to have to disagree with you on that one. A very good friend of mine was a serious coke head.

He kicked the habit 2 years ago and hasn't touched any drug since. Himself and some ex-coke addicts now provide lectures to those thinking of quitting.

Yeah, some people are capable of reform, I accept that, but I had my fingers burnt before big time with someone who was a coke head and I wouldn't give any coke head the benefit of the doubt now. Never trust a convert, they have too much to prove...

evil-monkey

Darragh29 wrote: »

Never trust a convert, they have too much to prove...

Zing!! I gota remember that one :P

Lollipops23

get out and get out fast.usually with relationship threads i'm thinking "ah now, there's probably a way for this to be saved" but this one is black and white OP. you cannot trust this tool.and be sure to set up a page about his shenanagins as revenge!mwahahaha!