Falling in love with my best friend

LegacyUser

Hi, I have been thinking about this for awhile and i guess i'm just looking for another opinion.
I have known this girl for many years, we are great friends, stayed in touch after college and went travelling together around Asia. Anyway, i've gradually found myself falling in love with her which is not something I take lightly. She is the only girl i've ever clicked with like this, we share all the same tastes in music, cinema etc. We make each other laugh and best of all she challenges me about my opinions/ideas which is something i don't often get. We're both single.
I guess what it boils down to is, should i let her know about my feelings or is something between friends doomed to fail?
I'd appreciate any views you have...

jessbeth

Hiya

I've been that girl on a number of occasions and was devastated to find out the guy was in love because then the friendship changed and I lost a good friend because he was looking for something different. I would just advise you to try and find out how she feels about you because telling her could otherwise upset the friendship. I mean if that's a risk that you're willing to take, that's up to you. Maybe get a mutual friend to ask her in a joking way, "why are you and x always together, are you involved?" Sometime alone that line, then her reply might give you some indication of how she feels about you.

slievenamon83

do u have any idea that she may feel the same???u need to tread carefully you dont want things to be awkward between ye but if you dont say something youll never know......go for it but be careful how you bring it up .....maybe flirt a little with her and see how she reacts ......if she values your friendship she will be ok with you even if she doesnt feel the same...i dunno if that helps at all...good luck!!!!

Niall F

I think I'd go for it and let her know. If you've fallen for her and you do nothing about it your friendship is going to be slowly eroded away. If you do tell her and she doesn't reciprocate then the friendship is lost too.
I made the mistake of not telling her (similar situation), so I hope you don't. I know neither of those are good options but at least you'll be able to move on. And who knows, maybe she has developed similar feelings about you?

Firetrap

Get a mutual friend to sound her out like other posters have suggested. At least that way, you won't ruin your friendship. I had a friend (wouldn't have been a close friend but still, friendly enough) who took a shine to me. Because I didn't fancy him back, it destroyed the dynamic of the friendship totally and even now, I'm uncomfortable in his company.

LegacyUser

OP, are you back from travelling? It might just that being around each other so much has made your bond closer than you had previously been. Maybe you will feel differently when you get home.

If you are back already, do you still have feelings for her, and has she shown any for you? Do you have a neutral friend you could ask to get her opinion? Maybe have the friend jokingly tell her they think you have a crush on her and see how it goes?

cantdecide

Be really subtle and discreet. It almost definitely will ruin your friendship if it's no mutual. Don't underestimate this. I think when it's were reversed, blokes can get on with it and eventually regain friendships but usually when blokes fall in love with friends, that's that.

Guys fall in love really easily, btw. I think it's a primal reproductive instinct or what?? If guys get on with female friends and she's not minger, it's almost inevitable:p

Rosita

As somebody mentioned perhaps she feels the same, who knows? There is an element of the prisoner's dilemma about it in that sense.

But in my experience male/female best friend things do not work by and large. There is almost always an unresolved or unacknowleged sexual tension in there somewhere.

The OP has probably already passed the stage of letting things cool off and going back to the bessie mates thing.

Having said all that, if you can be in love and best friends then you have cracked it - something that many strive for but few achieve.

Only advice I would give is avoid the get-pissed-and-snog-and-see-what-happens routine so beloved of the Irish. Neither of you will have the remotest idea where you stand at the end of that.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the advice. It was along the lines of where i was thinking myself. I have decided to proceed with caution, basically by going through a mutual friend, in particular one who has been telling me for years that my friend and I should get together.
Once again, thanks

Firetrap

Good luck! Hopefully you can come back and tell us that she's nuts about you

Bottle_of_Smoke

You should tell her even if she's not interested. If you actually click that well it won't be an issue.

At least then she'll know to be subtle when she starts going out with other guys. I don't understand why you'd want to stay a close friend if she doesn't reciprocate the feelings.

This has only happened to me once, she explained she didn't feel the same but was completely straight about it & things went back the way they were very quickly. I have to underline that I really did click well with her. Be straight about it, make sure she knows you don't feel "led on" and you won't be pissed at her for not being interested.

Peewee_lane

Unregistered wrote: »

Thank you all for the advice. It was along the lines of where i was thinking myself. I have decided to proceed with caution, basically by going through a mutual friend, in particular one who has been telling me for years that my friend and I should get together.
Once again, thanks

Heres what happened to me one night! Best mates with a guy I had lived with in college and he turned round real cool after a few drinks and said, do ya reckon we would ever be good together, to which I replied - nah, we're too alike, we'd only end up killing each other. He started laughin and it was all good after that. The boundary is put in place and we have other partners now.

Dragan

Just to change the theme, myself and my girlfriend were incredibly close friends before we got together.

The best thing we ever did.

I say go for it OP.:)

ziedth

Peewee_lane wrote: »

Heres what happened to me one night! Best mates with a guy I had lived with in college and he turned round real cool after a few drinks and said, do ya reckon we would ever be good together, to which I replied - nah, we're too alike, we'd only end up killing each other. He started laughin and it was all good after that. The boundary is put in place and we have other partners now.

I was going to suggests something along these lines, Basically if you phrase it like that you let her know gently how you feel and if she isn't interested then the dynamic shouldn't change between the two of you. the two worst things you can do is corner her and pledge your Love or which IMO is infinately worse do nothing.

Good Luck

echosound

Dragan wrote: »

Just to change the theme, myself and my girlfriend were incredibly close friends before we got together.

The best thing we ever did.

I say go for it OP.:)

Agreed - in our case were the best of friends for years, even to the point of being in a house-share together, finally worked up the courage to admit our feelings... we got married over 3 years ago, and are still both the very best of friends, and madly in love.

No point wondering what if, just sound her out and take it from there.
If a mutual friend is after saying to you that you would be good together, then it's probably obvious to those around you that you would be very well suited and they can probably tell you like each other too (we had that too, lots of mutual friends all asking why in hell we weren't a couple, which was what finally gave us the boot up the rear to take the plunge and "ask the question"), so go for it.